What can you live with?
Whatever he's doing or isn't doing; whatever you want him to do that he can't do, you're not going to change him.
As much as you want him to change, to make a commitment to you, to do something different, the reality is that you are not going to change him and no amount of loving him is going to change him.
So this ultimately comes down to you.
It's time to ask yourself some tough questions.
What are you willing to put up with? What is he worth to you? What does having him in your life on these terms – his terms – mean to you?
Would you rather have him in your life as he is, not as you want him to be, but exactly as he is, if it means keeping him in your life, or do you need that commitment from him or whatever else you want from him more than him?
Is it a deal-breaker for you? Can you live with him like this, or does this cross your boundary?
Do you see what I'm getting at here?
First, you really have to know yourself well enough to answer these questions. You have to know what your boundaries are, what your limits are and what you will and won't consider and what you consider to be deal breakers.
For you.
You see, no one else is you. Your friends and family and anyone else will have their own opinions and answers to these questions, but none of that really matters.
It's about you.
And this is all about you. It's your life, your dream, your vision, your happily ever after, and you're going to have different needs and make different choices to get those needs met than anyone else.
But you have to first define them and know yourself well enough so that you can make these decisions based on the reality of who you are and what you want your life to look like.
So what if he's all that? What if he's everything you've always wanted in a partner/husband/soul mate but he won't or can't or doesn't know if he can make a commitment to you?
What do you do with that? Well, you dig deep within yourself and find out what you really feel about this. You have to think through the implications and make your decision based on that reality and not on the romantic ideal that you're going to change him.
Because you're not going to change him.
No matter how much you love him. So what if he doesn't want to ever get formally married, but says he will be the equivalent of married to you, but you want the real thing with the ring and the piece of paper?
What if he doesn't want children, but you do? You do not want to go into this one thinking you're going to change him.
You're not.
And what if his career will always be his number one priority and never you? What are you willing to trade for that? Because there will always be trade-offs.
The one with the career priority will probably always have enough money to buy you all of those things you've dreamed of, but he won't be home with you to enjoy them. So what then? Are you willing to accept that trade off?
My point here is that so often we feel so not in control of our relationships because of something he will or won't do, when in reality, we are the ones who have all the control we want! If we just realize that we can make our own decisions based on what we know and who we are and then the control is really back in our hands.
It is not all up to him!
If he won't commit, then take back control by choosing to stay or leave, based on the person you are; not him.
If you still want to be with him, and he's worth being with on these terms because you really do love him, then make a life for yourself and have your own life independent of him if that is what you decide is the trade off to keeping him in your life and he's worth that much to you.
You're in control here.
Really, you are! It's just so much easier to let him decide, to push him for an answer than to see that you already have everything you need to know to make a decision and this isn't about waiting around for him.
It's about you, taking back control of yourself and moving on with your life. Forward. In spite of him.
I know, my sweet, beautiful friend, I know this isn't easy. I know these dilemmas often feel like there is no favorable outcome.
But there is one favorable outcome: it's one that you choose.
It's one that releases you from living like this, from looking to someone else to make the decisions. Because you will find that when you take that step, when you choose, when you move ahead like this instead of spending your time talking, and waiting, and talking some more, and waiting some more for your life to begin with him, when he's finally ready, if he's ever ready, that in taking back control of your life, you set in motion an energy that can't be explained.
You have that energy.
It's the energy of a woman who knows who she is and what she wants and isn't afraid to make a decision even if she doesn't know what the full outcome of that decision will be. Even if it wasn't supposed to be this way.
And a woman with that kind of confidence, that kind of strength is a woman that is about as attractive as we come. Because in doing so, you find that place inside that sees you can do this. That missing piece. That part of you that won't die without him.
That doesn't need him to say yes or no or give some kind of canned answer in order for you to move ahead.
And that, my beautiful friend, is something amazing when you try it the first time and find out just how much life moves to greet you and love shows up to follow you.
Because a woman who knows herself like this and moves through her fear like this to the other side is more than confident: she's irresistible!
Hi Jane
Not sure if this is the right place to write this. My boyfriend and I decided we want to get married. We are from 2 different cultures. He needs his mother to accept his relationship with me before he can formally propose. He is set to go on vacation sometime this month to let his mom know. About 2 weeks ago he lashed out at me for asking him to just tell her over the phone.
I was shocked so I stayed away from him. I didn’t hear from him for 2 weeks. So I reached out to him and asked him what was going on. He said I needed to wait till he goes on vacation and based on the outcome we will decide next steps.
So I asked if he would rather I not communicate with him in the meantime. He said “it’s up to you”. I’m so over that. I asked him what he wants specifically. He said “I told you it’s up to you”
I guess I was expecting him to be more assertive and just say what he was feeling. He never does. I’m frustrated. In any case I just told him that I will stay away and he should let me know next steps.
Dear Jane
I loved your post.
I ve been dating for four months this guy which I felt in love with, and he seemed to feel the same.
He is 52 and I am 43. He has two kids from his ex wife.
But one day he told me he didn t want to have more children in order to be free to travel and enjoy life with me.
But I felt that although I m not so young, I would have loved to have a baby with him.
I even felt his negative as a lack of love to me from him.
We broke up in May but since then he s been texting me once in a while, and last month he wanted to see me, but he didn t change his mind about a baby so I endend it again.
I really miss him.. Do you think I did the right thing?
If you're not on the same page, it won't work no matter how much you want it to, Ani. Either you change, or he changes. If you're not willing to change what you need and he's not either, then you absolutely saved yourself from so much more heartbreak down the road!
Nailed it, D! You have no idea what you've just dodged! #Grateful
Sincerest thanks Jane for your reply. You so get this shiz :). Your words are helping immensely in shifting the old perspective & brainwashing. Thank you. I will read them over and over until my brain "gets it" ! With that said, the tricky thing here is I am dealing with narcissistic tendencies & quite prevalent ones so whilst I would LOVE to be able to express myself in person (I am a truth seeker of the OCD kind :)) unfortunately with his tendencies, as i have come to understand these past months, you can't actually ever get that old "winning feeling" ! They are masters of twisting & distorting & gas lighting & deflecting & projecting - their priority is not truth but control SO as history has taught me with this one, say nothing, show nothing otherwise it will either get thrown back in your face or just taken by them as "she still wants me, ahaaaa I am STILL IN CONTROL so I shall just ignore her". So with this knowledge I will have to come to a place of inner empowerment somehow without really honoring my need for truth, of being seen, of being heard of what ACTUALLY happened ever seeing the light of day ... actually I think I just got it. I need to give my self that validation, I need to honor my story & experience & KNOW that my experience was real & valid & F' him. If I do that then really it sgouldn't matter what he or our mutual friends or he thinks .... Is that close ????? 🙂
Hi Jane
Firstly sincerest thanks for your online program. I've just started and it is helping beyond belief !
To cut a long story short (I hope) I have been in an extraordinary process, my two most special creatures (my father & my dog died within 6 weeks of each other) and the ex left the week my father died - did the back and forth, made the promises , left, came back, wanted friendship. you know the pattern. Anyway we are talking months now. I said no to friendship after he would get aggressive and angry anytime I pointed something out that wasn't good for me bla bla bla. But then inevitably weeks would pass and I would email a simple something (like congrats on the new album - yes add to the joy he is in the media a lot at the moment), he would reply with how wonderful his life is but of course if I opened up even the slightest like replied to his reply - boom - disappear end conversation !
Anyway ! This concept of choosing is so empowering and I have come over the months to see allllll the things I did that were so wrong and didn't serve me and my truth and can see how he has skipped off into happy land feeling in control. I have no desire to reestablish any relationship friendship or otherwise with this man as he is but it is buggy me beyond belief that NOW I get it & there is a yearning to "set the dynamic right" to have ONE last chance to say "ah no, I let you treat me appallingly & no, go away". Do you know what I mean ? It could just be my ego but far out it is bugging me beyond belief that I handed him my power and he took it and has skipped off feeling all in control and powerful, being a womanizing ego maniac. I can't get that feeling of "choosing" in this situation. There's nothing left between us what so ever, as I said, no reply to last email exchange over a month ago, but I soooooo want to set this right !! Struggling to feel empowered in this situation at all.
Would love your take on this one.
I'm so sorry for these significant losses you've experienced, D. How difficult the timing. My heart goes out to you! I find that we do find what we need when we need it, and so just recognizing that you actually DO have a choice instead of settling for what you feel you have no control over, creates such a shift from the familiar feeling of powerless to the new and wonderful feeling of choosing! It's so inspiring to see you articulate it like this. 🙂 But yes, you're human, and like us all, we don't always feel so powerful regardless of how much we get this concept! I so hear you on the reply to the reply that shuts down everything with a word, and then the desire to finally have your say to regain what you lost without realizing it before when you were simply doing the best you could with what you knew back then. So you have some options here to feel your power in this as well.
You can choose to accept that you now know so much more than you did back then, that you see him in the true light of who he is and who you were and now you can say out loud "I wish you well" and end on that new note that you create for yourself apart from him. But since few of us can really pull that off as well as we'd like to think we can, you can either write him a letter you don't send, or you can write him a letter you do send. Or a text, or a call, or in person if that's what you need to get your power back. I would sit with what ever form of action resonates most with you. Will it give you some of your power back if you say or do it? Or will it only take more away? For some of us, we have to speak our truth, we have to have our say regardless of the implications or response. It's just that important! For others of us, it's enough to have that say within ourselves, to say it silently or at least unheard, to come to that place of power on our own with the realization that it doesn't matter who he is or what he thinks he has, he doesn't have us and that is powerful enough for us to go on. That you have a choice here is power, D. Start there. And then see where you want to go. Whatever you choose is for you, not for him. That's the most important part of all!
Thank you so much for this!! Such a breath of fresh air!! ?? I just recently about 4 months ago made the decision to close the door to a guy that was actually an amazing positive experience with a man. I was married for 15 years and the last few years of my marriage turned into a mess.... Now fast forward almost 6 years on my own... About 2 years ago I pray God not for a relantionshio ( I felt I was never going to be ready) but instead I asked God for positive experiences with men. And over the past years I have had.. Until I felt in love with this guy I knew.. But I felt for him while he www going through his heartache of losing a relationship.. Timing was horrible an so I tried to "hang there" and it was breaking me. Especially when he was upfront with me that he was not ready and I also knew he was smart for wanting to establish his life according to the transitions he was experiencing. And a few moths ago.. I had one of the hardest conversations I have had in my life. Saying a Good bye to the bEst, amazing guy friend I have had in my life because I could not accept him in my life the way that he was offering too. Because I want more and it was starting to kill me inside. It was so hard and is still is because I miss him... But I knew that sometimes we avoid to have the very hard conversations because we are afraid of the risk that comes with a choice especially a choice like this. You are so right Jane, it is easier to just let him choose, let others choose for you, but that's merely living .. That's just existing and living your life in the shadows of others. The positive life experience he brought into my life taught me this... That I get to choose, I can honor myself, my values, what I want out of a relationship, even if it means letting go of something amazing for the extraordinary I want God to bring into my life.
Doing this is the hardest, especially trusting a God in a society that sometimes does not value something real, but I have faith that God will bring the best for me.
Thank you for writing this 3 years ago. Who knew I needed to hear this today when I was just starting to doubt the decision I made 3 months ago. Your article game me little "umph" to keep my head high, and keep on keeping on.
Much love,
#ADivaOnTheLoose
Exactly, Marisabel! I think I wrote this just for you! 🙂 Don't doubt what you know in your heart you need to do for you. That's always the first place we go - straight back to the doubt (and the fear!) - instead of moving forward to the life you were and still are made for. You've got this! And I'm so very glad you found your way here 🙂
Thank you for your kind response and encouragement!!! ☺️
Thank you Marisabel for having the generosity and courage to share your story.
You, Angel and others are continuing to support me on my journey.
I too, am grateful that these articles are here, that this network of loving people in which Jane has been the seeding crystal, is inspiring and like others, I need to return to often.
Thank you to everyone that has been generous enough to share and to inspire.
And to you as well, De Elle. Your kind, sweet words are inspiring as every one of these conversations becomes a catalyst for change in this beautiful world of ours. Thank you for being a part of this supportive, loving, empowering community of beautiful woman with hearts and souls that are learning that every single one of us is deserving of a love that matches our own.
Absolutely, Marisabel! 🙂
Thank you so much for this!! Such a breath of fresh air!!! ?
Dear jane
im really really hoping that u would get the chance to read my reply .. first of all thank you so much for the article the words are amazing and so inspiring but you know we girls tell our selves all these stuff one day and the other we go back to crying and thinking about our relationships and missing the wrong people...
well am going to write you my story and i would just be so happy if u read it..
am a 24 years old girl .. until last year i was a really cold girl who had no emotions i just talk to guys and get bored and dump them and that was never a problem for me, later i took a one year rest from all the relation ships and all that stuff so i stayed single for one year ,, in sept 2015 i met this guy he was soo my type and i was so into him!! from the first week i felt like i want this guy i want to be with him!!! so we started dating and hanging out until he started to not call me or ask about me unless he wants me to sleep over!! so it lasted for 6 months we dont talk be i was like a booty call to him and i tried very thing: talking to him about how i feel , then no contact like every thing !! but still nothing changes.. i was so down i cried a lot bcz i really liked this guy and i didnt want it to go this road .. any way i deleted him in Feb.. and only couple days later i met this new guy!!! this one was So into me from the first day tell the next couple months he would get jealous over silly stuff like me liking zac efrons pictures!!! and he would get really mad if i didnt talk to him for couple of hours!!! this was the first relation ship that made me feel so wanted and felt like there is some one who really care and would d anything for me just to make me happy!!! suddenly i was going through his social media and ive seen this girl .. [ the only girl ] that he has in all his social media accounts!! twitter insta etc .... and they've know each other since 2012 ... so i asked him about her and he said that shes just an old friend , so i was like then why u dont wanna follow me on ur twitter and u have her? why dont you unfollow her ? SUDDENLY he flipped and he was like thats why i dont like relationships bcz of all this bullshit and drama i said thats not bullshit its caring about uu and asking ,, so after alot of texting back and forth he said we could keep friends its not going to work as relationship
if he has a girlfriend why would he be giving me all his time and effort ? why would he spend his Birthday with me not with her ?????? i know she is his or his gf or ex but she is not a friend i know... so now its been one month that we r friends and he contacted me couple of times to tell me that he got a new job and stuff ,,, am waiting tell the end of this month to meet him bcz we r supposed to hang out and am just going to tell him how i feel and i cant keep friends bcz it SO HARD!!!!!! i wanna call him/ text him all the time but i know that i cant bcz we r friends...
i dont know why in my last 2 relationships i became such emotional person!!! i wasnt like that , now am crying a lot and thinking too much! way to much
i know thats a really long msg but thats all whats in my heart
regards
sarrah
How I hear you, Sarrah. It's so easy to find that hope while we're being inspired, but carrying that feeling of confidence with us throughout the day requires a whole shift in our thinking. It is possible - I see it happen all the time! - but it's a process, one tiny step at a time.You just haven't been with someone who's the right fit for you. It feels personal, but it never is. You only want someone on the same page as you, someone who chooses you - and only you! - and actually wants a real life relationship, not someone who tells you "this is why I don't like relationships!". Take those words as information and nothing else. They tell you exactly what you need to know - that he's not on the same page as you!
Hi Jane
This article helped me see things I've been ignoring for so long. I got involved with a guy 3 years ago... it was very intimate the first year... within that time though we had our share of problems... He told me after 5 months he just felt nothing anymore.. I was devastated ... I met someone else and dated a little over a month only for the guy that dumped me came back and said he was sorry and felt he loved me. Sooooo we got back together only it was phone/texting... He said I had to prove myself since I dated a guy previously and hurt him...(even tho he was the one that said his feelings were gone)
We are a little over 45 min away so distance played a part for him... we started seeing each other once or twice a week but all intimacy stopped. I even started paying my own bill when we went out. He kept telling me he really cared and liked me and that everything I was doing was working... he said we had to rebuild... I would cry and beg for him to please tell me what more I could do and he would go days without calling or texting and I wasn't able to post anything on FB but other girls could..... i became an obsessed stalker checking his pics and wall for any clue about other girls.... I had to defriend him because the pain was too intense!
I know in my heart that he had a lot of other "friends".....he would always say he was meeting the guys but u just know when a guy is lying and then he would go silent on most weekends.
The last year has been the worst... It was almost 11 months that we hadn't seen each other even tho he said our texting and talking was pulling him in.... I tried many times to block him only to unblock and he contacts me and it starts over. After me telling him I was done with all these mind games and even friends make time to hang out ... He finally invited me to a game he coaches and I only saw him for 10 min at the end!!! After 11 months he only gave me 10 min!!!! He never said how nice I looked or how nice it was to see me:( I was heartbroken!!! I finally said IM DONE!!!! We had stopped communication for over 25 days (the longest in three years we have ever gone without talking).... well he contacted me saying he was heartbroken and we should let this develop like its suppose to 🙁
I'm sorry this is so long but I'm trying to give u an idea of how this is.... We have been talking for only a week again and I'm trying so hard to just see that it's just a friendship and he only enjoys our talks.... I know reality is he never truly wanted something or he would make efforts ... instead of a call or text:( I sometimes wonder if it's a psychopathic relationship.... I have never shared this openly but I am just scared my life will always be trying to maintain a friendship when my heart is on constant alert of looking for signs here:(
Why are you letting this situation go on? What do you get out of a text relationship? Why do you believe his words when he says he wants you?
He has it good. He has a fallback girl. What do you really need from someone outside yourself to tell you for you to know what to do?
Think about the answer to all these questions and know that you've known what to do all this time.
Don't call this love because it sure isn't.
I see a girl who definitely has lost self-esteem and sense of self-worth.
You see, most of us here have gone through lows, but I can assure you: it's our responsibility to take care of ourselves and show men how to treat us by what we allow.
We are responsible for our experiences.
Get help if you need to to get to the bottom of the issue. It's definitely not this guy.
You're worth much more than this. Start behaving like you are.
Good luck to you
I understand what your saying and have been working with a therapist for a few years. I know that I deserve someone that will give me exactly what I'm wanting to give them. I know that this guy has not done anything to deserve any of my tears.... the reality here was I invented a relationship that was not really here. I believed his words and built on that but paid no attention to actions. I have been trying to just maintain a friendship the last year which has led to many blocking/unblocking situations. I care so much for him and can't understand why I allow my feelings to get this way. Why is it so hard to just see that there is absolutely no relationship here except for someone that wants to occasionally tell me about what he is doing and all his problems. I guess it makes me feel good to think he turns to me to listen to him. I also know he has many others that he turns to as well. Two years ago he even tried to ask a few of my friends out for "innocent" drinks.... HELLOOOOO..... I was sooooo blind!!! I know I'm better then this... I know that I deserve someone that can love me and that wants to be around me. I wasted so many years on somethin that never existed!! I guess after being divorced for 6 years... I lost my sense of reason. I was married for 15 years and I had prided myself on never being jealous, never needy, and always level headed.... amazing how an encounter with someone can turn that inside out.
It's very hard letting something go that never truly existed... my heart feels like I truly had soooo much love for this person but in reality it was just me by myself the entire time. As I get stronger and understand that probably even a friendship never truly existed it will get easier to just say "no more" and walk away completely.
.... I just wanted to clarify that he never promises me anything .... he had always stated a wall is up and he was trying to work thru it. He would say that "I was drawing him in when I don't "over react", "assume things", etc..... so he never actually would come out and say "I want u, or your my one and only".... his famous saying "just go with the flow and let things happen on their own"....... which never made sense because u can't build on something strictly over a phone!!! I've always known this which is why there was constant friction.... because I knew what was needed for a real relationship but I never stood up and took control of things like I should have. I have a journal that I write in and the main thing I've noticed... I can go back a year or even two years and it's exactly the same words I write today. NOTHING EVER CHANGED.... and journal writing is what had FINALLY helped me see more of reality. Took a long while but I guess my issue now is knowing whether I'm actually strong enough to just "be there" as a friend or am I in a situation that I will have to completely cut him out of my life. I've never had a past relationship that I couldn't maintain a friendship afterwards.... (I did date on and off during these past years) .... more of trying to "forget" the one I truly wanted.... but still I was able to maintain "friendships".... Just don't know why I'm having such a hard time with this one! There was never anything here !
You haven't gotten to the bottom of it if you haven't been able to let this toxic situation behind. Keep digging. Tell or write the story in the third person. Maybe that'll help. What worked for me was getting in touch with my anger. My anger propelled me to move forward and going no contact at all. I don't hate him nor am I mad at him. In time I let go because I saw it was me who created a fantasy instead of looking at what was really there.
This guy is not your friend. A true friend wouldn't dream of treating you this way. Don't give away anything you have to offer, not to someone who doesn't value it.
I have also used the friendship thing as an excuse, a cover for "maybe in time he'll change his mind". It doesn't work. It's a big waste of time.
Thank u for your response and my journal is full of third person stories. It has helped me greatly.... I look back and see so many signs of him telling me things that I just couldn't hear at the time. There were a few times he apologized for being so selfish and never meant anything malicious ... he told me 5 months ago that he wasn't sure if anything could be the way it was when we first met because he pushed himself away too much.... I read those words now and it's obvious what he was telling me but yet he still allowed me to hang on to hope because he knew how I felt about him. I must admit that when I read "he is not your friend"... I bawled like a baby... that really was so hard to read but I know it's probably the truth. I'm just a voice to give him attention 🙁
I know. It's extremely painful. It happened to me. But I realized we were not friends because he never cared about any of my feelings, he didn't care about my life, he simply liked the attention I gave him because I stuck around like a groupie. I was deeply hurt when I walked away and he didn't even try to talk or ask anything. He just let me walk. That's how I knew I meant nothing to him: not as a woman, not as a friend.
Such is life. We were two very different people with very different values. I'm better off now after almost a year of walking.
You'll be fine. Learn about yourself. Discover why you put up with little crumbs. That's the key. It liberated me.
Thank you for the kind inspiring words Jane. I just had a two month affair with a man who put me in the friend zone. My intuition was really sending me alot of signals, and I am proud that I sensed this. I let my feelungs known and he doesnt want go ne anyone "man" is how he put it, and today I just said goodbye. Then I text him alot of nonsense heart pouring out my feelings. I misunderstood our connection. He treated me so well, spent time and money on me, but something was missing, and emotional connection. He was making sure not to give to me, and I couldnt be fake and hold back my heart. I am proud to have a big heart, but it hurts sometimes.
So glad this resonated with you, Heather. We learn so much from every single one of our relationships! Wear your big heart proudly! The more you understand the beautiful gift found there, the more you will learn the fine balance between protecting it and letting it do everything it was made for. The ones who are truly compatible with you will love and embrace that beautiful heart of yours! In fact, that's how you'll know.
I know this article is old but I come here for reinforcements when I find myself in odd situations.
Met a nice looking man. Looked nice on paper too. We started talking then he said he's not looking for a relationship. I told him well I am. So I guess it's goodbye. He said just like that? I said yep. No sense in wasting time. Then he said friends? I said "no thanks. I have enough friends" then I told him good luck in his search. Omg Jane it felt awesome! So empowering!
And I can feel it all the way over here, Princess. It does, doesn't it?!! Beautiful! oh please come here as often as you need to; I absolutely love hearing this in your own words! This is you - all you!!
Hi Jane,
Just wanted to share my experience. Met a guy online and he was super keen and called me daily and we got on very well so agreed to meet up. He traveled about an hours drive. Took me out to dinner and we had an awesome night that did end up sexual. I was deliberating about sleeping with him but he put me at ease and told me not to over analyse. He drove home as we both had work the next day and he messaged me on his way home to thank me for an awesome night. Over the next couple of days I heard from him but it wasn't the same. He cancelled our second date as he said his friend was down so he went out with him instead. I got a drunken call from him at 2am to apologise for being a dick and he agreed to meet me the next week. The following day he hit me with the bomb shell that he just wanted to be friends as he wanted to play the field. I swallowed my pride and accepted it and he called the next day to apologise and said he just wasn't on the same page as me right now and I was an amazing woman who could do better.
I was left with 2 choices here. Continue to be his friend and hope after he played around a bit he would realize what he had lost, or to cut him loose.
I decided to cut him loose. I felt I had enough friends and I was disappointed that he lead me to believe he wanted more than just a one off. We got on great and he knows its his loss so I am just getting on with my life. Life is too short to waste your time on the wrong guy ladies. The right guy for you will always want to be more than just friends.
Good luck and I hope we all find a man who knows how lucky he is to have us and not ! put us through all this BS
Hi Jane thank you again so much for your reply. I'm so sorry for coming back on here but I honestly feel that I cant continue with life the way it is for me at the moment. Since I last wrote to you I have continued to be friends with my ex and to be honest mostly instigated by me. I have text him for lifts to his bar etc and he is always obliging but every single time I do it I'm hoping and praying he will make a move or tell me hes made a mistake and wants me back. I do know he cares about me but its not enough and its destroying me Jane!!.. I just wanted to update you on what happened over the last few days.. I was in his bar quite a bit over last weekend and as usual when he came in we were friendly with each other..... on the Friday night I had quite a bit to drink and got talking to a guy who was there with some friends. He was giving me alot of attention (my ex wasnt there at this time). Anyway long story short i ended up kissing him and my ex walked in and saw me with him!!. a short time later I left in a taxi with this guy and he asked if he could come back to my place but I said 'NO'..The next day I literally felt sick to my stomach!. It was wrong of me to do what I did especially in 'his bar' and in front of his 'friends'.. I had left my car there so I called my ex and asked him for a lift so I could pick up my car. He came and picked me up and casually asked where I ended up with the guy.. he said we were 'all over each other' and there were witnesses in the bar!!. I told him I was really drunk and that it shouldn't have happened but told him I went home on my own (which I did). One of his long term( female friends who also works in his bar) approached me and said that I was wrong to do what I did and said I would have been devastated if he'd done that to me (which I would be). i was back in the bar later the next night and we spoke once or twice but he kept his distance. The female friend who approached me was 'all over him'.. telling him how good a friend he was to her and how much she loved him!!.. I just feel like I could Die Jane, I cant concentrate or focus on anything and I dont know if I should speak to him about it again or just to leave it. I don't want anyone only him and I'm confused over the behaviour of this female employee (who by the way is engaged and has two kids). she seems to have some hold over him because she always had an opinion while I was in the relationship with him!!. I really really need your help I have no-one else to talk to and I feel I'm losing it... I just want it all to be better..everything in my life is such a mess and I'm going to lose my job, my friends and my family because I know everyone is so sick of it. I have lost so much weight and have no interest in anything apart from Him.. Please help me
Let's trade places here, Ursula. I'm telling you that there's someone who I can't live without. He doesn't feel the same way about me, but I'm not letting that stop me; I'm obsessed with him. I know I can make him come around. I know I just need to show him more of what he can have with me and how beautiful, how sexy, how amazing I am and eventually he will realize what he's missing out on by not being with me. I'm so obsessed with him, I can't think clearly. I'm doing things I would never do before because I need him in my life to be ok. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't work, I can't function. I don't know what to do, but I have to make him want me. I have to make him love me. My happiness, my being, my very life depends on this person.
What would you say to me? From your outside perspective, without the emotional charge of this person, of this relationship and what it triggers in you, what would you tell me? Tell me that, Ursula. Think about you would say to me - what you would see that I couldn't see - and then say it to yourself.
No man is worth what you're doing to yourself here. No one is. Somewhere along the way you've got a story that you've made your own that says you have to prove your worth by making someone love you who isn't capable of loving you in the first place. Find that story in you, find that little girl deep down inside who made it her own before she knew any better. Find its roots and throw it off of you! It's not true.
Where you are right now is not your place, Ursula. You deserve so much more than what you're putting yourself through, but the only person who can change this is you. I can't do it for you. You have to want to badly enough to do something about this. Find someone who you can tell all this to who can help you through this. A counselor, a doctor, a therapist - someone in person who can help you get back your beautiful self.
As for him, and whether to speak to him or not, do what brings you a sense of peace and calm and leaves you with the least amount of regrets. You can't mess this up with someone who's truly right for you, Ursula.
That means someone who's on the same page as you who wants the same thing you do with you and is willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen. That's the only way a relationship works! Keep your beautiful dream, your loving, caring, giving heart, but this guy isn't the one to give it to because he can't give you what you need in return. There's nothing wrong with you! Just two people on different pages; it's nothing personal!
Don't do this to yourself, don't make this about you. It's not. But there is a little girl inside you who needs some love and compassion and to have her basic needs taken care of right now by you. We've got to get her back first before you can see all that lies on the other side of this.
It's a blip, Ursula. And when you look back on this moment in time when you're with the man of your dreams who loves you the way you deserve to be loved because he wants to be with you, you'll see this for yourself. It's ok. You're going to get through this, one baby step at a time.
Hi jane
I met a guy over a year ago. He pursued me relentlessly but he wasn't that attractive to me so I refused a few times but then decided to give it a go. This man was on his own for 6 years but has 3 grown up children with a previous partner (he doesn't speak to her). He also owns a bar and drives a taxi. We dated for 10 months and I honestly didn't expect to fall head over heels in love with him..But I did!!.. Looking back I think I put most of the effort into the relationship and he did'nt really treat me like his partner.. At the beginning he went out of his way to please me but when he realised I was in love with him he seemed to back away. We had a bit of an arguement about 4 months into our relationship and he tried to end it but I talked him round!!. at that time he said he couldn't give me what i wanted and that he had too much going on.. I couldn't accept it as we always had a laugh together and All i wanted was for him to spend time with 'me' instead of always just going to his bar and not having time for 'us'... So he agreed to give it another go but 3 months later we had another bust up and he ended things and was extremely brutal about it!!. he said I was like a lap dog and that it was over and told me just 'get over it and move on'...I begged him to come and speak to me and told him I loved him but he refused and said 'No if i come I will take you back and I don't want you back!!' Those words still crush me and its five months later!!..This happened a month before xmas and I honestly dont know how i got through xmas I thought I would die with the pain.. I heard nothing from him all over the Xmas period but I had heard from his family and friends that he had been trying to end it with me for a while..Everyone said I was out of his league (i dont think I am) but no-one could understand why he ended it with me and especially in such a heartless way!!.. I decided I would go and speak to him..i suppose I wanted some kind of closure.. I didn't get it.. he said that he had tried to end it before and I talked him round, he said he didn't want any commitment and that was that.. I stayed composed and we agreed to be friends even though inside my heart was breaking!!!.. Five months down the line I actually cannot believe that he treats me like there has been nothing between us.. dont get me wrong he is really friendly and he sends me the odd texts and phones me but its in relation to anything other than 'us'. To be honest I still go into his bar because I have made friends there and he comes over and talks to me like he's done nothing wrong!!. He MUST know how much he hurt me but I Love him and I want him in my life.. I know that sounds pathetic and to be honest I've thought about saying it to him but I know he would say that Its my choice to go to the bar and stay friends with him!!.. I have also heard that there were rumours before that he was gay and it would explain a lot because he was never into 'sex' that much.... I just dont know what to do but I'm dying inside and all I want is for him to want me.. every time I see his number come up on my phone or I meet him in the bar My heart breaks but I just put on this front that I'm ok with being just his 'friend'.. I have lost so much weight and the whole things consumes my every thought.. I have cried every day since he ended it but I just don't know what to do anymore... I dont think I can handle not having him in my life.. Please help me!!
There comes a time when you have to decide whether someone who isn't on your page, who doesn't want what you want with you, is worth all this, Ursula. If he's worth what you're putting yourself through. This isn't about you. Re-read what you wrote here and you'll see that he's been trying to tell you that he wasn't there, that he couldn't commit, that he wanted to end it for a long time. Don't be too hard on yourself; we all want to believe it will be different if we keep trying, if we keep showing them all that we are and all that we have to offer, if they'll only stay with us a little longer to find that out.
You're not alone in this, Ursula. Don't take it as a rejection, don't take it on you at all. This is about two people not on the same page who want different things. You could never be happy in the long run with someone who doesn't want the same thing as you, no matter how much you try to convince yourself that you could be. You deserve so much more than this!
Don't put on a front anymore. Feel what you're feeling. Let yourself be who you are. See this for what it really is; not the fantasy of what you saw, of what you so wanted it to be, but for the reality of what it is. You can't make anyone love you, no matter how much you try. That isn't your role.
You say you love him an want him in your life, but ask yourself why you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you. Why do you want to do that to yourself? We may be fed the idea that unrequited love is romantic in some way, or we may have leftover issues from our childhood that says we have to prove ourselves worthy to someone and make them love us in order to be loved, but neither of these will bring you the kind of love that's real. There's a letter I posted from someone else who felt that same feeling of dying inside, so no, you're so not alone in feeling this way.
You deserve nothing less than the real thing, Ursula, but until you get to the root of why you're ok with settling for so much less, until you find out what's really underneath that has you wanting someone to want you who can't give you what you so deserve, you're setting yourself up for the exact opposite of what love is meant to be. It is always your decision, Ursula, but you need to know that there is so much more to love and life than this!
Jane
Thank you so much for your reply..I hear what you are saying and I'm starting to think there is something wrong with for wanting this man so much!!. I want more than anything to stay friends with him and thats whats been happening. I feel so happy when I'm in his company but when I leave and go home it upsets me so much that he's not home with me and its destroying me... I had a text from him last last week after I had called into his bar.. I stayed a while but then left and went home.. he text me to ask if I wanted company and I said ok!!. It felt like someone had given me a million pounds.. Anyway he came over and we watched some TV and then he said 'I better let you get to bed'. I said yes it was late but as I was walking him to the door he asked if he could stay. I should had refused him but I didn't.. He promised not to 'take advantage of me' but it was inevitable that we would sleep together.. why else would he want to stay!!. He said he'd missed me and he was very loving and to be honest I hoped that we would get back together.. How wrong was I!!. We didn't talk about 'us' once and he kissed me the next morning and left.. We have spoken a few times since but it has never been mentioned and he is continuing to treat me like a 'friend'. I feel such a fool Jane but I also feel that I have been giving him the message that i'm ok with being 'just friends'. I don't know what to do anymore. Do I cut him out off my life completely which means I can never go back to his bar ?(where I have some good friends) do I tell him that I can't do this anymore or do I just try to accept that he doesn't want the commitment and continue to be friends with him...Its like a drug I'm so so scared of losing him completely!!
Ask yourself why you "want more than anything to stay friends with him", Ursula, because my guess is it's because you want to hold onto something of him instead of releasing him - and you - to find someone who is on your page, who knows what he wants and it's a committed relationship with you, and is willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen. That's what's missing here, Ursula, and you know this in your heart. You're seeing it for yourself and that's huge!
You're onto something when you recognize that you've been giving him the message that you're ok with just being friends. When we're desparate for something from someone, some crumb to hold onto, even if we don't recognize this at first, we become the martyr. We become the pleaser. We become everything we think he wants us to be if it means we can keep him in our lives! And so, in the case of the man who won't commit to us but who we can't imagine living without, this means we settle for a relationship on his terms, even as we give him the impression that it's our terms as well, simply because we don't want him to know the truth or he might be scared away.
There's a reason this feels like a drug to you, Ursula, and you're so not alone here! Check out my post on "The Spark", if you haven't already. When something is missing in you and you find it in someone someone else, of course it's addictive if that's the only place you can get it - but it's not! You just need to find it's source in you!
As for whether to cut him off completely and miss out on his bar, or tell him you can't do this or continue to be friends; this part has to come from you and where you're at and what will bring you the greatest sense of peace and calm while at the same time leave you with the least amount of regrets. You're the one who has to live with whatever you decide, so look at the reality of each decision and its aftermath, and do that. Personally, I don't know how anyone can be halfway with someone who is like a drug to them, but if you can be that strong and going to his bar is worth that much to you, then you'll figure out a way.
I have a feeling that if you start focusing on you, Ursula, if you start creating the life you want for yourself and loving and treating yourself the way you deserve to be loved, you'll see this so much more clearly for yourself. The point here isn't to stay in that place where you beat yourself up and feel the guilt and shame of where you are; it's to find your own wings and rise above all this to the place where you feel free to shine your own light so brightly so that someone who's truly worthy of you - and right for you! - will see you and give you the kind of love where you never, ever have to convince anyone of your worth!
I randomly came across this while searching when he says just friends. I am glad I did. Reading this I realize yes there are more things I would like to have in a relationship but I love and care about him more than those things. We have been seeing each other for a year now the first 6 months we were both seeing other people the last 6 has just been us. We have known each other for years I use to be best friends with his son's mom. He and I never got along. They ended things 3 years ago. She got married and we just fell out fast forward to last year he was friends with another friend of mine and I actually got to know the real him. He is really sweet guy not perfect by no means. However he is a great dad lives with his mom but its so she has someone with her and someone to pay the bills. When we go out he is a gentleman...opens doors, doesn't let me pay for anything. He and his sons mom had a rough relationship she constantly cheated and was out partying all the time. I know cause I was by her side the whole time. He did his share of bad in that relationship also. I have told him I loved him. I'm not one to hide how I feel. We see each other 2 nights a week every week if we go longer than that its because of something major. I recently lost loved ones and he came over and comforted me. As my other friends say we have the whole relationship just without the title. I want to say thanks cause I was wondering if I should give up and if the fact that I lobed him was enough for me. I can honestly say it is.
We only see each other twice a week because of his work schedule and the time he spends with his son and my school schedule. I wonder sometimes if he is scared because I use to be friends with his ex that I will do the samethings she did if that's why he wont give us more than just friends. Or the fact he has never had a relationship with a woman who is genuine. He admits he has walls up and doesn't let people in at all. He has let me in more than most. I know he may never want to make us more and that is fine. Just thought I needed to add this little bit of info.
Hello Jane
This is an amazing article and reading this just brought tears to my eyes. It reminded me of the 1st time I came on your blog. I read your article about a man who won't commit and 7 things to do, to move things along. I ve spent hours reading different articles on google, till I stumbled on your blog and for the 1st time, I felt like she really understands, she really gets me. I was in a very bad relationship then, I wrote to u abt it and your advice was amazing, you gave me the strength to move on and m grateful I did. You made me understand I can be a confident, irresistible woman, one who can move through her fears and reading this article now, reminded me of that feeling I got when I finally faced my fears and said goodbye. You re amazing and m glad to ve met someone like you
How sweet of you to share this with me, Ivy; thank you for your kind words. I'm so glad I was able to convey to you exactly the fact that I do understand, often so much more than comes through in my writing. You simply came to see what was there all along; the confident, irresistible woman you are - and have always been. I always believe we find what we're looking for when we need it, when we're open to hear it, and it sounds like this is what you've found here. Thank you for sharing, Ivy, you inspire me!
Hi Jane
I’m glad that I came across your site, your blogs serves as a daily inspiration to me and helps me to carry on.
I never thought I would come across this situation. I always get into a relationship one after another, I feel alone & lonely without having a companion, just the thought of
Having someone by my side who cares is enough for me to be happy.
I met this guy when my boyfriend of 10years left the country. For the first time in 10 years, I was alone again. We became close as he is working at the same department as me.
After 3 months of going out, I asked him what’s this all about, he said, he doesn’t want a commitment. Still, I hold on for another 2 ½ years. We are always together every day.
We see each other at work and finish the day at the gym together. We spend our weekends together as well, either for a movie, coffee or dinner. We go for holidays and sleep on the same
room – but no intimacy happen.
I stayed in the relationship without commitment, because I feel happy being with him & his small acts of kindness & care means a lot to me. And somehow deep down, I’m hoping, he will
eventually commit to me. But I was so wrong – last Dec 2012, he made it clearly that he only see me as a friend and that, he can’t love me more than that. But still, I stayed. I feel good
whenever I’m with him, but yes I admit, its not a 100% happiness & satisfaction. The thoughts of not calling him mine is depressing. But I still follow my heart. I still follow what makes
me feel good & happy even if it’s only temporary & short term satisfaction.
The final disillusionment came when he told me he is going out with one girl he just met recently. I let him go, but deep inside I’m dying. I want him to have the final decision, because
Whether I say yes or no, he will still follow what he wants. He went out with this girl and I didn’t talk to him for few days. I didn’t return his text messages. We were able to talk only when
We met at work again. And that’s it, he was surprised with my reaction. He said he can’t understand why I’m so upset and that, he already told me before that he can’t love me more
Than a friend. We had a very long talk – things like, I am not part of his future, we are not building any foundation or anything in our current relationship, he will not be able to give my
Needs & desires and that, I deserved someone better.
On our last personal talk, he said, for the good of both of us, we better end this and move on. He said, for the long term, it would be better not to keep anything, even friendship.
I cried in front of him. Beg him to give himself a chance to love me, and all those desperate moves that you could think of. Then, I got out of the car and never looked back. I know that
From that time, I need to do something even to save some of whatever left in my dignity & self-respect.
He send me message the following day. He said hi and told me he doesn’t like the idea of us, not talking. I told him that he is right, it’s better to end this, for the good of both of us. His
Reply is: “I don’t know what to say”. And the last word I said is: “You don’t have to say anything as you’ve said all last night. And I understand it clearly”. After that message, he didn’t reply.
It’s been 2 weeks now since we’ve last talked. Although we see each other at the office, we never talk & I always tried not to look at him. Deep inside me, there is still this silent longing that
He will call or approach me one day and everything will be back the same as before. Every day is a torture to me, seeing him happy, not affected and starting a relationship with the new
Girl he met. I still feel the pain and hurt of losing someone who’s been a part of my life for the last 3 years. As much as I wanted to convince myself that I did the right thing, my heart
Still cries for his presence, for his care & attention. I just wanted to wake up one day that I don’t feel anything anymore, if when, I don’t know. It’s still a long way to go. And I don’t know if
I can still go on. He is my inspiration for everything and he always lifts my spirit whenever I feel down. Sometimes I think if I made the right decision, move on or just stay in the temporary
fantasies that I have created wherein I have him beside me.
Thank you for taking time to read my letter. More power to you. Whenever I feel down, I will always read your blog and it will make me carry on.
I'm so glad I'm able to be here for you in this way, Sheryl; to remind you that there is so much more to your story than this! I understand exactly where you're coming from, waiting, hanging on, making your decision in exactly the way I wrote about here. And as we all find out - all of us who decide to hold on a little longer, to have a little more hope of what might be - we find out in our own time when it's time to see the reality of what's really there. My heart goes out to you, Sheryl, as I remember feeling the same way, wondering if I could still go without him, regretting those last words out of my mouth. And yet, eventually I came to see that it was actually long overdue. That there was so much more to live and love than I had been experiencing with him. You will find this out, too, Sheryl. But for now, this isn't about getting ahead of yourself when your world feels like it's crashing down around you right now. It's about being so gentle on your beautiful, hurting self. It's about remembering that you are still that beautiful woman who you were before him. It's about knowing that you're not alone. It's about remember that this is a temporary stage of loss and mourning that you are going through. And most of all, remembering that it's our dreams about a person, our hopes and our plans for the life you could have had with him that you're most grieving.
Keep those dreams, hold onto these beautiful plans and hopes and the life you imagined with him - if only he was there on the same page as you and wanted the same thing. One day, those same dreams, that same beautiful life you imagined will come true exactly as you pictured - but with someone who is worthy of you, someone who inspires you because he loves you and commits to you, and wants the same thing as you do, my beautiful friend. That's what you deserve, that's your birthright, that's what is out there waiting for you. But you would never be available to see it, much less have it, as long as you were hanging onto someone who couldn't give you this. And so, there's a part of you that finally recognized this, too. You tried, Sheryl; you did your best. You waited long enough. He found someone else while he was supposed to be with you. Did you find someone else? Were you looking? No, you were waiting. Like so many of us find out. You were really so very alone in your relationship. You're free now, Sheryl. As much as I know it hurts - I know that ache hurts so much. There's so much more to come, Sheryl. It's called living for yourself. And no, that's not a bad thing. It's the most wonderful gift you can give yourself, especially when you've been living like you have for so long!
When you're ready, Sheryl, and able to hear more about the practical reality of your relationship, I'd love to help you see this. But for now, take your time, hold yourself close, surround yourself by people who love you and support you. Find some children to be with if you can; my nephews helped me through my most painful times more than anyone else could. Read Marianne Williamson's "A Woman's Worth". Spend time by the ocean if you can - the harder the waves crash around you, the better. It all helps. And then meet your needs one need at a time. Baby steps. It's okay if you go back and forth a little longer. It's ok whatever this healing process looks like to you. There are no rules; just your beautiful life. And one day, as you go through, this will begin to hurt a little less until you, too see this in the light of reality of what is. Much love to you, my beautiful friend.
"Because a woman who knows herself like this and moves through her fear like this to the other side is more than confident: she's irresistible!" - it made me realize that i can be an irresistible..i felt something good in myself for having that decision in my life..to let him go, and moving on with my life without him. Thank you for the words you've been shared with us.
You already are irresistable, Angel! You just need to realize this for yourself so that you don't sell yourself short by settling for anyone who doesn't realize this for himself! It's the hardest thing for so many of us to see, but once we do, once we realize that our past relationships that didn't work out weren't about us not being good enough, or loveable enough or whatever it was for us; they didn't work out because he wasn't the one for you! Because you both weren't on the same page, didn't want the same thing, weren't a match.
That's a huge difference. The first leaves us feeling like there's something wrong with us, the latter empowers us as we recognize that you simply weren't compatible. It's actually a gift, even though I know all too well just how hard it is to see it that way when you're going through it.
Jane-
My cousin forwarded me an article from your website and I am addicted to reading all your blogs. I am going thru a crazy emotional time. I just ended a 6 yr toxic relationship with a man who didn't want to commit. There was every red flag to leave and I held on with dear life in hopes he would change and realize I was the one. Your articles made me realize that I was in love and holding onto his potential. And that it was more choice and only mine to let go and move on. I am trying desperately to detach myself from this lost hope. It's like grieving a death. Over whelming and confusing. This guy plays mind games and I had to go above and beyond to end all contact with him. He contacts me every so often. But reading your personal experiences have truly given me the strength to face single life again and brings hope for a new and exciting life!! Thank you
I'm so glad so much of this is resonating with you, Liz; and thanks for taking the time to let me know. You are not alone going through this, as I hope you are realizing, and there is so much more to life and love than what you have experienced over the last 6 years. Be so glad you are finally free to see what all awaits you, my beautiful friend!
Hi Jane,
I just came across your website on the search 'how long to wait before he calls' and I LOVED your response about how when it's the right person, it doesn't matter. I'm in a long distance relationship at the moment (we met as friends last year but grew closer last few months as friends over phone/text/email and he came to visit me a couple weeks ago) and our friendship started out pretty slow with weekly phone calls and the occasional text. But we would have great phone convos and when he did visit me, we had a really great time and decided to develop a relationship. But from hints he has let drop, this committment has been in part due to my wanting to know where we were going and he wanted to get to know me as a really good friend first. We have talked about the future, what we both want, and I wonder if we want different things. He works at construction camps a lot (hence our long distance) and is used to a single life. I guess my question is with communication and commitment - he has been a bit more distant lately and I really don't want to push him into a relationship if he doesn't want it. So after some counsel from a couple friends, I've stepped back a bit to let him initiate phone conversations and texts this week and I'm patiently waiting for his phone call. We haven't talked in almost a week (except for a couple texts) I know he cares about me and is respectful of me as well but at what point do you 'know' he is there for the long haul or wants to get to know you as a friend more slowly (but I'm here to be friends, date, and have a commitment towards marriage which I have told him clearly last sunday).
Thanks! Sara
You'll know, Sara. You'll know what that point is where it becomes clear. It sounds like you may already be getting some clarity from him based on what sounds like a serious conversation you had with him last Sunday. It always helps to step back a bit, as you have done, to see where he's at, because it really is true that some men are great at responding to our initiating contact, but it's when we step back and see what's really there and just how often they seek us out and pursue us, that we find a clearer answer to what we really have. Know that it's always better to find this out early on, than later after you've invested so much more of yourself in him. If this is meant to be with him, you will know because a real relationship is always about two real people, on the same page who make it work because they are willing to do whatever it takes, regardless of any distance or other obstacles between you. When it is the right person, none of those little things ever matter.
I love the last part - Cheers to all of the women out there for being the most attractive, confident and irresitable self you can be!!
Thanks Jane for such an amazing article. This fuels the strength for me to go on today.. and more days to come 🙂
So glad to be able to affirm that strength that's coming through for you, Cecilia. The best really is yet to come!
Hi Jane
I am sending you a poem i wrote this morning.
I was lost and confused, searching for somebody to be,
Till i realized that person i was searching for was me.
Now i have joy and peace with no end,
Ever since i became my own best freind
SO all you wonderful ladies out there, find your true self , become comfortable sitting alone with the Lord, know your weaknesses and strengths, accept who you are just as you are and you will have someone who will never let you down. you will be your own best freind.
How beautiful and true, Ann! Thanks for sharing this with us, and for your words of inspiration. This strikes such a chord. When we realize this search for someone and something else is really our own search for ourselves, we find the key that opens up so many possibilities, and unlocks a life we never knew we had.
this is another great article. I really enjoy reading all of them. Because of your articles and your personal answer I was strong enough to let go and to move on. I just wanted to shout out a big thank you! First I thought Im going to break up and just see if he would try to come back. I really believed it would happen but it didn't! At first it is hard to get over it, to lose someone you really thought that he is the one. but clearly it was a good decision and one day there will be someone who can make me more happy! Thanks for making me a stronger person, Jane 🙂
Thank you, Rebecca; I'm glad these words are resonating with you. It's true, going through it is never easy, but in time, we begin to see and understand the why's and see just how much we really do deserve. Thanks for sharing, Rebecca - your words inspire me! 🙂
Hi Jane. I just wanted to say that I really enjoyed reading this article. Im in a relationship that isn't very good at all. Everyday I tell myself that today is the day I need to end it. I know in my heart that I deserve so much more in a partner and the one Im with isn't my forever guy. I need to dig deep and find the strength within to do what I need to do. In reading this article I realize that staying in this unhealthy relationship is keeping me from finding someone who adores me and shows me the respect that I deserve. Thank you for wonderful articles.. Margaret
I'm so glad you found this helpful, Margaret. I hear you; when you're in the thick of it, it can be so hard to believe there is more to life than what you're living right now. Trust yourself, you'll know when it's time, when you're ready to do something different. Being gentle and loving to ourselves is the best way to start. 🙂