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7 Things I've Learned About Men Who Are Afraid Of Commitment

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Green freeway sign with Commitment written on it.
Are we wasting our time? Or will he be different from the rest?

It's happened again.

Just when you thought you were done with attracting yet another guy with commitment issues, you've found yourself once again in a relationship with an incredible guy that has all the wonderful potential only you can see, if only he would commit!

How does this happen?

How do we keep repeating this pattern over and over again no matter how much we think we are finally done with men with this MO?

Once again, we find ourselves with a dilemma with no clear answers; how long do we wait around to see if he is going to commit to us and the relationship?

Are we wasting our time? Or will he be different from the rest? We so want to believe this will be the case!

It can be such a difficult pattern to break when we're attracting the wrong guys until we uncover the root cause of why we are finding guys like this so attractive in the first place. And most of the time it really is us attracting these types of men. It can feel as though we have a unique sense that only seems to know one direction to go in.

His.Continue Reading

Should I Leave Him? 9 Questions to Ask Yourself

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A woman is looking up at question marks above her head.
It begins with some questions and some really honest answers.

You've been living like this for far too long, and the question keeps popping up in your head: Should I leave him?

You keep thinking things are going to get better, hanging on to those little things that just keep you hanging on.

Until it finally becomes clear that things aren't getting better, he isn't coming around, you're still giving way more than you're getting out of this relationship.

And yet, there are the wonderful things.

The amazing times you have together. Those occasional times when he actually does something romantic.

And when it's good, it's really good.

Unfortunately, there just aren't that many of these really great times, and as much as you try to keep it going, you're wondering if you're really just wasting your time.

Especially as the clock keeps ticking and you're not any closer to that elusive commitment you're looking for from him.

You keep asking yourself, should I stay in or leave this relationship? 

It's the question so many of us have wrestled with at one time or another, and one I hear from so many of my coaching clients - "Should I stay or should I leave?"

Typically followed with "Should I give it a little more time?, and if so, how much?" "Or should I just break up?"

Leaving a relationship is never easy, and deciding when to leave a relationship is one of the most difficult decisions to make.

If you're like most of us, you just want someone to tell you what to do, give you some assurance that you're doing the right thing. But everyone you talk to gives you a different answer until you are completely confused as to what to do.

Well, I have good news for you.Continue Reading

How We Get Hooked

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A beautiful woman is hooked on a guy that is not treating her well.
This is how it happens.

What happens to us that we, perfectly intelligent, level headed women suddenly begin justifying to ourselves, beyond all sense of reason, why he’s treating us the way he does, why it's OK that he has rules about how often he can spend time with us, why it's understandable that he needs so much "guy time", why it always has to be the way HE wants it to be?

And why do we continue to believe that we’re so much better off with him than on our own?

The reality is you're not.

We’d be so much better off on our own at this point, so much better off without this guy bringing us down, doing a number on our self-esteem, but we have such a hard time believing that because when it's good, it really is that good, and we tend to focus so much on those moments that we forget how it feels the rest of the time.Continue Reading

It's A Journey

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The reality is it's not about an overnight solution, some magic formula that makes it happen instantly. t's about a journey. A path winds through a park filled with autumn foliage.It's been a little over a year since I created this website and began blogging here. Some of you have been on here since the beginning; some of you have just recently found me.

Many of you are wondering why it hasn't happened for you yet, and how long it will take.

The reality is it's not about an overnight solution, some magic formula that makes it happen instantly.

It's about a journey.

A real life journey deep into the inner parts of ourselves that we may not have even known existed. It's peeling away the layers of ourselves, our lives, our experiences, our programming, until we discover that we are not any of those, individually, but all of them.

We are our true selves; our beautiful, radiant, confident full selves with so much love to give, so much to offer, and no reason whatsoever to sell ourselves short and settle for anything less than a full rich relationship with so much to offer in return.

It's about support, about love, about not settling for anything less than you deserve. And knowing what you do deserve in the first place.

That's what this is about.

Not an overnight magical solution. A journey filled with support, and love, and care for you for your heart and soul. Someone here for you along the way to remind you of all that you have, all that you are, and all that you have to offer.

Someone here to remind you of what it takes and why it's worth it. And someone who understands like so few do who haven't been there for themselves firsthand. Someone you can pour out your soul to without being afraid of what they will think of you. Someone who loves you just for who you are.

Until we can celebrate together when you too look back on this journey and see what it all has meant. To see the beauty in you and the life you've created for yourself.

Celebrate you.

To celebrate you and what you have attracted because you've made the choice along the way to celebrate your whole you, complete with those flaws and shortcomings you're learning to embrace and love because they are a part of you. And finding out they aren't flaws and shortcomings after all.

Because this isn't about what’s wrong with you; it's about learning who you really are, figuring out what you're all about it and finding and embracing the real you. Because it's when we find our true selves and embrace and love that person of you that we open up the universe to attract the same back to us, to reflect back to us that love in the form of a special someone who's been looking for someone just like us on his own journey.

It's not about fitting a mold of what we think someone is looking for. It's about finding ourselves and then attracting that special person who's looking for someone exactly like us, just like our true self has been looking for someone exactly like him. Even if it takes a lot longer than you thought it would.

When you look back from the other side, you'll realize that the journey was necessary, all of it, with all of the twists and turns.

And then it will all make sense.

Don't Go There

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It's been awhile since it ended, and you start thinking that enough time has gone by that it might be nice to reach out and see how he's doing. A beautiful woman is looking at her phone considering calling her ex.It's been awhile since it ended, and you start thinking that enough time has gone by that it might be nice to reach out and see how he's doing. To see how he now feels about you, about the relationship, now that some time has passed. To see if anything has changed.

You didn't really want it to end, but he wasn't ready for what you were ready for, and things just weren't the same, so you finally accepted that the only thing left to do for yourself and your self-esteem was to let go and let him go free. It just wasn't working out the way you'd so hoped it would.

Or maybe he ended it, saying he just wasn't ready for any kind of real relationship, the kind of commitment you were looking for from him.

It ended.

Whatever the reason, whoever initiated the ending, whatever it looked like in the end, it ended.

And now, here you are, thinking about him again, about what might have been, about what could still be if only he would give you and the relationship another chance.

You had no idea just how much this would hurt. Just how painful it would be to live without any part of him in your life, even if what you got from him was so little. This feels so much worse.

So you call him, text him, or maybe email him. And the response you get leaves you feeling so much worse than you ever felt the first time. You can't believe you read him so wrong. He's not missing you. He's moved on. He wasn't waiting for you to call.

Or worse, he doesn't answer you at all, just leaves you hanging on again, feeling worse than if you had never contacted him at all.

Don't go there.

The bottom line is, don't do this. Don't put yourself through this.

You see, my beautiful friend, he knows. It doesn't matter how it ended. It doesn't matter if he ended it, if you finally had enough and ended it yourself or if it slowly ended on its own from lack of attention or attrition, the end result is the same.

He knows that you didn't want it to end. He knows all too well just how much you wanted it to be different. He knows it's about him. He knows it's over because he's not ready to give you what you had every right to want from him in a relationship – the kind of commitment everyone deserves.

But he wasn't able to do it, and he is still isn't. He knows it's his move, his choice. He knows it's up to him. Whether or not he won't, or can't, or just isn't capable of changing, he knows what needs to change to make this relationship work. And nothing has changed if you're the one still reaching out to him for another chance, another try.

If it's going to be, it's not up to you; it has to come from him. And you'll know because he'll be the one reaching out to you. But don't hold your breath, my sweet friend, because he doesn't think like you do. Don't go there.

Call a friend instead.

Call someone you trust your tears with, and let it all out.

Of course it hurts, of course it feels like you'll never find love again. Like you'll never find anyone to love again like him. And of course it will feel like those crumbs you settled for were so much better than this. But they weren't. And he wasn't worth what you put yourself through. And that beautiful, soft heart of yours deserves so much more than this.

No matter how much this makes you feel like love just doesn't exist for you, don't let you heart get hardened. This isn't about him, it's really about you. And how much there is just waiting for you out there if you can go through this now until you get to the other side.

I promise you that one day, this will all make sense, and you will see so clearly what you can't see today, or tomorrow or even the next day after that. But one day, soon, you will wake up after finally being able to sleep again, and you will see that glimmer of sunshine peer out from underneath all those dark clouds, and you will discover a whole new world of love and life just waiting for you to take a chance on it.

Tomorrow's a new day, and it will be here soon. But don't do this to yourself today. It will only make you feel so much worse.

For now, you're learning that you do have strength that you never knew you had, that you do have worth beyond what you ever even knew.

This is your time to find yourself and your you again. Go and find her; she's wonderful.

Are You Happy?

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Are you happy? If your answer is anything but a resounding yes, you need to reconsider your relationship. A beautiful woman is smiling while looking at her computer.If your relationship is a real relationship, then the answer will be yes.

If you’re single, then there’s good news – you only have yourself to consider when answering this question. It’s not really about whether or not you’re happy being single, but are you happy in general? Of course we all want love in our lives, and someone to share the special moments with, but outside of that, are you happy with your life? If you took the relationship question out of the equation, ask yourself – are you happy?

If you're currently in a relationship, you have to ask yourself if the relationship you’re currently in increases your happiness, decreases your happiness, or is it just neutral? If the answer is either of the last two, then you really need to look at why this is the case, and seriously consider if you want to continue.

After many bad relationships, I finally got to the point that I said to myself (and a few of my close friends) that I just wanted to be in a relationship that didn't make me less happy than I was while single. While this may sound like a sad state of affairs, it was actually the turning point for me that was one of the many factors that finally led me to find my own true love.

Why?

Because it meant that I had already learned to be happy on my own. I finally realized what I needed to be happy wasn’t outside of myself, it was inside. It was in the pursuing of my own interests, discovering my true self, and following my own passions… finding my purpose.

Not a guy. Not something or some event outside of myself. Not my surroundings. It was inside of me, and I finally knew it. After spending so many years trying to find a relationship that would make me happy, I finally knew the truth – that a relationship can never make you happy.

But it can amplify your happiness. To have someone to share your happiness and love with. To give love, and support, and encouragement to one another.

But In order to do that, we have to be filled up ourselves. It’s like a cup – your cup needs to be filled before you can give to another from your cup without feeling like it is being drained. You also don’t want to be the person in the relationship that’s only drawing from (and draining) your partners cup.

In a real relationship there will be times where one of you is drawing off of the others cup, and vice-versa, and that's what makes it a real relationship - that give and take. As long as it's in balance, you'll feel happy, because you'll have someone you can lean on when you need to, and someone you can support when he needs it, and that makes you feel happy. But in order to do this each of you needs to be happy, and your cups full, to begin with.

You deserve to be happy.

We all do.

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