You've read my post Why Won't He Commit? 7 Things You Can Do To Move Things Along. You've tried everything I've suggested, and now the only thing you're left wondering is how long do you wait to see if he comes around and gives you the kind of commitment that you're looking for? You're so not alone if this is where you're at. Of all the questions I'm asked, this is by far one of the most common.
The simple honest answer is you should never wait for someone to come around to commit to you! Honestly, if he isn't on that same page as you, open and in touch with himself enough to know what he wants and that he wants a committed relationship in the first place, before he met you, waiting around for him to come around to where he is finally ready for commitment to you is wasting your time.
He's not going to come around and commit to you because you're waiting for him. In fact, the very fact that he knows you're waiting for him, and willing to put your life on hold to wait to see if he does commit, lets him know that he's more important than you; that you value him more than you value yourself, and leaves him with no motivation to figure out what it is he's really looking for, why he's behaving like this with you, and what he would be losing when you finally give up on him and leave.
But more importantly, what does all of this waiting around do to you? What it does to your self-esteem, your self-confidence, your beautiful you as you send yourself the message that you are not worth anything better than this! That you don't deserve better than someone you have to wait around for to see if he'll one day be ready to give you the kind of commitment that you deserve – that every woman deserves. And you deserve to have it without having to convince someone of your worth!
If he doesn't know you're worth it by now, he never will.
Honestly, hear me loud and clear here. I can't tell you how many times I waited for someone to come around, for a real commitment, only to deal with the same cold, hard truth every single time: he wasn't ever going to commit no matter what I did or didn't do, no matter how long I waited. And I hear the same thing over and over again repeated in the stories of women just like you who waited longer than they wished they had. He never came around for them either.
If he isn't committing to you now, he's not going to anytime soon.
We all buy into the same fantasy, thinking that if we're just more of what he is looking for; if we can just show him how we really are all that; if we can just become the woman of his dreams, then we can make him want to commit to us – is simply that. A fantasy. It may sell a lot of movie tickets and make for a great romance novel, but it isn't what reality is all about. It just doesn't happen like that in real life.
The real story.
He knows how you feel. He knows all that you have to offer him. He knows what you're looking for and he knows it's up to him to make the next move. He knows this commitment phobia is all about him even if he tries to put it on you and make you feel that you're doing something wrong. He knows there's something going on with him, some reason he just can't make himself commit to you, but the difference is he's not willing or able to change, to make it happen, even though he knows it will probably mean he will lose you in the end.
His own stuff is just too great to get him there. And this is not yours to carry! The more likely story is that he will end up learning more about himself and how he is in a relationship from his relationship with you and he will use it as a stepping stone to make his next relationship better. But the key point for you to take from this is that you can't change him. And losing you when he knows full well what he's losing isn't going to be enough to get him to make that commitment. It might help wake him up for next time, and it might even get him close. But the chance of him coming around while you're waiting just isn't the story that you're most likely to see happen.
So what do I do?
I know that so many of you are going to believe that your situation is different. That your guy is different. That he really is that close. And that's ok. I totally understand. I did too - many times. There is that small chance he will come around. So if you're going to wait, don't just wait. Live. Live your life. Don't think about him. Don't focus on him. Don't wonder what he's doing or try to figure him out. Don't obsess over what's going on. Don't pressure him. Don't keep talking to him about this.
Just do it.
Your actions will say so much more than your words. Don't be available. Be out living your life for real. Don't call him, be busy enough that you don't need to. It's not about playing games, it's about living your own passionate life, pursuing your own dreams, your own interests, your own life. And if he comes around while you're out living your own life, focusing on you; great.
But don't put your life on hold, your potential for meeting someone else on hold while waiting for him. You deserve so much more than this. And deep down inside, that beautiful woman who deserves only the best life and love have to offer knows this, too!
My ex actually committed to me after me waiting for 9 months; We ended up together for a year and three months. I'm glad I waited, but don't know if I should wait for this one.
Hi Jane, this article is very insightful. I just need your advice on my situation. There's a guy I've known for 2 years but been "together" with for 1 year on and off per se but without any titles. I use to live in New York where he resides but I moved back to Florida a year ago so we have been trying to work on this long distance relationship since October of 2014. However, he broke my trust horribly in December 2014. He lied that he was going to jail for a week but was really on a cruise with a woman I thought was his ex. She was really his "girlfriend". I left him alone entirely but he flew to Florida to "win me back". Like a fool, I forgave him and have been in communication with him since. I recently met his family in Thanksgiving. That went well. After meeting them I feel as though our connection got deeper and I would like for him to give me a date on when to move back to NY. He said he wants to do it on his time and doesn't want me to prompt when. I am struggling at times to trust him since we are far apart and I feel that I am foolish to "allow" him to have so much "control" to determine when we should be together especially if he says how much he loves me. Shouldn't he be able to give me a date if he's truly serious about me? I feel that I should cut off communication altogether so I can truly move on. I would love your feedback on this. Thanks.
I've pressured and bugged and he's backed off. I am starting to live my own life. Problem is we talk everyday, all the time. I have no commitment, in fact it's been a yr of just dating. I am ready for more he is not, Infact I know almost nothing of his life and he knows not much more of mine. What do I do?
After a year? And he still doesn't consider it a relationship? Ask yourself what you are getting out of it. Anything? You are still communicating with him so he's getting the best end of the deal: you with no commitment! I know what I'd do and I wouldn't have waited a year to do it. Easier said than done but you need to go no contact and move on.
I love your post Jane.. its really been helpful.. am going through some difficult love issues presently and its been pretty rough
Your post was kinda helpful and I agree. I'm in a situation where I've been with the same man for 8 years, we moved in together when I was pregnant but he messed it up with debt and not talking to me about money so I moved in to my parents for 6 months with a baby, I'm living as a single parent now but am still in a relationship with him and he says he wants to get married to me next year but doesn't seem to be able to save any money towards this. How long should I wait for him to step up now? I love him to bits and he loves me, we have a really good relationship but I've been waiting for so long now and it's just depressing me. Any idea what I should do?
Waiting for someone to commit is the worst mistake any lady could do to her self-respect. The guy I was going around with cheated on me. When I asked him he called me dumb as I m relying on rumours. But later I came to know he was sleeping around with that chic. Lol. I made a fool of myself. He broke up with me. Last time I texted him he replied with Huss goodbye and sorry. Not even a healthy call. I came to know he is hitting on other girls. And I was waiting for such a guy to commit.
Jane is true sometime we create an imaginary image of the person we love, and refuse to see the reality. Character counts a lot. Sleeping around with random people is just sick . 4 months have passed since our breakup and I am still not over him. I regret my decision. Why did I kept on waiting for such a guy who has no morals. Time is the best teacher. Currently I am focussing on myself. I know I deserve better people and he can keep on playing games with other girls. It's his life.
I really appreciate your prompt response. It gave me another insight, another angle, a look at myself from outside of my situation. Thank you very much.
You're so welcome, Charlotte!
Jane, your words are spot-on and very comforting. My guy and I have been seeing eachother for almost a year and although I understand how an "I love you" can overwhelm anyone's soul, I took a chance and said it. I wasn't expecting anything to be vocally reciprocated to me, I was actually letting my guard down, my walls, my ego. I was letting my feelings fly without regrets. I understood that his last relationship was (ridiculously enough) in high school, and that she had done some damage that was hard, in his eyes, to mend. Little history (and I'm only telling you this because I need to understand what may be going on in his mind), they were together for two years since highschool, lived together and he felt she was his soulmate. That leads me to believe that was his first love, but she cheated on him, lied and broke his heart. Keep in mind that he is 31 years old today. How is it possible that he still has these feelings of let it be resentment, bitterness, anger, towards her? I say this because when he refers to anything about her he is VERY resenful and doesn't want to talk about her. Isn't this love? Could he possible still be in love after so many years? Or is this a very bitter aftertaste in his mouth that may never be able to wash away? The times I have asked about his last relationship he makes sure I understand he is clean of any love feelings for her and that he is with me and no body else.. But aren't those feelings rooted from love itself? You can only hate what you love right? I believe he's afraid of loving again, utterly petrified, lacking trustand learning to be in a relationship since, lets be honest, he's completely clueless about it. He has said I love you here and there, and shows me whenever he has the opportunity, but seems very inconsistent in his affection skills. I am completely exhausted, looking for a way out, for a moment to gain strength and walk out, head held high, which I have no problem in doing so. But he has turned into a challenge to me, even though I love him for who and what he is I want to crack his code, I want to know how is something like this possible. Can you still be in love with a 15 year old love or is it the aftershock (still) of a terrible earthquake?
Please excuse the typos..
No matter how much you try to figure him out, to crack his code, to understand what's really going on with him, Charlotte, the only thing that all this thinking about the "why" of him is going to get you, is caught up in the drama of his life and his past love. If he's a challenge to you, find out why within you. If it's love between two people who are both on the same page and looking for the same thing with each other, it won't be complicated. It's only ever as complicated as we choose to make it.
He is who he is. He does what he does for his reasons that have nothing to do with you. He feels what he feels because of reasons that also have nothing to do with you. You can spend your own time and energy trying to figure him out - and yes, we've all been, this is what we do so well! - but what does it really do for you? Say what you want to say, do what you want to do, live by your own truths and not anyone else's shoulds or shouldn'ts. That's the point of real living and real loving.
You can't change anyone else. You can try to understand them, but there's such a myriad of reasons for why someone still feels angry and bitter about the people and events of their past; anything is possible depending on what they're fighting in their past and why. You're with him now in the present, Charlotte; be here with him. If you can't believe or trust his answer when he tells you there's no one else but you, then that's the bigger issue here. Only you know what you're ok with and what you're not. But if you love him and he loves you, then let it be that simple; it doesn't have to be anything more complicated than that unless you want it to be. It's always up to you!
Sometimes I wonder what commitment is... My ex included me in all aspects of his life and was planning the present and future with me. However, it was his present and future, not ours. Often I merely felt "tolerated" not wanted. I only have my own gut feeling to trust on this one, though. I often felt I was the only one compromising and he had a "this is all I can give, take it or leave it" attitude, based on some past issues from bad relationships he had been into. This guy was loyal and committed to me, but there wasn't much left he could give. I hope I made the right decision by leaving but the doubts are there, especially because I don't have much relationship experience.
Know that if a relationship is meant to be, Alex, it will be. But only if you have two people on the same page who want the same thing with each other and are both willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen. You can't do this alone, it has to come from both of you. And if he gets there, know that you'll always be the first to know. Don't wait for it, though; live your life so fully so that whatever he does or doesn't do doesn't matter as much as your happiness, your life, your dreams. It's in the living of our own beautiful lives that we find love, not in the waiting.
Hi Jane, just discovered your website a week or so ago and I find your articles really helpful.
I'm struggling after a break up with someone who I believed I had a future with, and from all he said and did till the last two or so weeks, he definitely made it seem we were on the same page. I accept that he is working on his stuff, and he says he wants to keep in touch for the time being and he just doesn't know - "maybe he's scared" - but he doesn't want to be unfair to me.
I told him that it's ok, I accept where he's at but I can't wait for him and will be actively searching the dating scene. I said I won't be calling him and he said he understood.
The thing that hurts me the most, and this is something I constantly struggled with all my life, is something you wrote in this article:
"The more likely story is that he will end up learning more about himself and how he is in a relationship from his relationship with you and he will use it as a stepping stone to make his next relationship better."
I understand this on one level - on the other level it hurts so much. So what we had was not enough for him, but he'll take the good that we had, use it and move on to someone else?? Why not me? When I think about this, the pain is terrible and I can't see a way out of it!
I so hear what you're saying, Laura; and how heartbreaking it is to imagine this person - the one who you gave so much of your heart and soul to - moving onto someone else and having that life you imagined you'd have with him, with someone else. But my beautiful friend, before you go any further with that line of thinking, please stop right there and take a look with me from an outside perspective at what's really going on here. If this person was truly on the same page as you and wanted the same thing, regardless of how much it seemed that he was up until the last couple of weeks, the two of you would still be together. Be so confident of that! It this was meant to be at this point in time, if he truly was capable of giving you what you were looking for from him - and no, be assured that you were not asking for too much from him! - this would have worked out, you would still be together! Because a real relationship that works out always -always! - works out because both people involved are committed to making it work, are on the same page, are looking for the same thing, and want to do whatever it takes to make that happen because they want it to!
This is always the reality of what is, and while we can see it so differently, because it was our dream, our hopes, our fairytale, don't allow yourself to go there, Laura; you can't make anyone love you no matter how much you try, no matter how wonderful you are - and believe me, you are! Comfort yourself by knowing without a doubt that if he really is the one for you, it will be, and you will be the first to know. If he's not, there will be someone else, Laura, someone who is there on your page, who wants exactly what you want and believe me, when you find that person who matches you the way love is meant to be, you will know and you will see what you cannot see right now. You deserve nothing less than this!
I know just how hard it is to believe this right now, Laura, when all you feel is this awful heartbreak and longing for things to be different, but this is not about you, this is about him. You are still the same beautiful woman without him and the answer to "Why not me?" is because he can't give you what you're looking for. He can't. And one day soon, you will get this, you will be able to see this for the gift it is, and you will be so glad that you were saved from any more heartbreak the longer we stay with someone who isn't the one for us. Everytime you feel that pain, every time you long to be that one with him, say to yourself the truth - he's not the one for you. Be confident, Laura, if he was, you would be together. But now, you are free to be with the one who's waiting for you. Love doesn't work any other way!
I hear you Laura... I feel exactly the same. It hurts so much! Especially that there's nothing we can do about it on his end. So hard! And I can't even think about me moving on with someone else at all... I don't want anyone else... He's all I want and made me feel the same way until...you know!
I'm currently in this situation and this article is a great help!
I'm so glad this article resonated with you, Jodie. I so appreciate your taking the time to let me know 🙂