When I first moved down to Southern California from Vancouver, Canada it was because I was desperately in need of a change. I was tired of being single. Almost all my friends were married, and the ones who were single were stuck in the same negative patterns, bringing themselves down and me down with them.
I felt like I had exhausted the supply of any men worth dating out there and I was tired of repeating the same old patterns over and over again with the same kind of princes who always turned out to be frogs. Attracting emotionally unavailable men, however promising and full of potential they seemed, had become my MO and was taking a toll on my self-esteem. I was starting to question whether there really was something wrong with me after all, and was beginning to wonder whether I would ever find someone compatible who would want to be with me as much as I wanted to be with him!
California seemed so full of promise; the promise of a new life, of a sort of rebirth, and I felt it calling to me even as I had visited there and found everything falling into place to make the move to this new life. I was sure this was going to be the beginning of my new life.
What I found, however, was that although everything was new and exciting, I was still attracting a very similar kind of man. One that I soon came to recognize as the same kind I had been attracting back in my old hometown. The realization struck me that even though I had made such a huge change in my move, I was still the same me. I was still the same person with the same subconscious needs that were still attracting the same type of men in this new location, even though everything externally was different.
I suddenly realized that even though I had made such a big external change, and had gotten a whole new look, and a new wardrobe and a new career, I was essentially the same person inside. It was no wonder I was still attracting the same thing; I had changed the exterior things of myself, but I hadn’t gotten to the root of the source. The me deep down inside with all of the baggage I had accumulated over my entire life to that point and time in my life. And no changes to the external were going to bring about the kind of true change I was looking for until I finally figured that out.
And this is what I ultimately discovered: While external change can often be the impetus for true change, providing the inspiration to give us the motivation to change course, it is only when we look within ourselves to make those internal changes within ourselves, that we can expect to start attracting something different in our lives and creating a truly new life for ourselves. Without that internal shift in consciousness, we can’t expect any external changes to automatically bring about the changes in our relationships that we’re looking for. Until we figure that out, we are only bringing our old selves along with us.
So, if you feel that urge to change your life up, try out a new city or even country, to remake yourself, by all means go ahead and follow that new path and make those external changes that give you a fresh new start to your life. But along the way, remember that making that fresh start and breaking those all too familiar relationship patterns that aren’t working is all about helping you do the internal work of looking honestly and lovingly at yourself and who you really are, and asking yourself those deep questions we talked about in our last post. It's about letting go of what's not working, and finding yourself.
It’s never easy to be honest with ourselves and face some of our toughest decisions where love and relationships are concerned, but it’s the only way to start bringing something different into our lives, and ultimately someone worthy of the kind of love we have to offer.
Jane,
This is where I am now. I have been married and now divorced for 12 yrs. My last relationship ended after 5 years. He was emotionally unavailable and I finally had the guts to say good-bye and not look back. Its been a year. I noticed that after my divorce I was attracting only married men, which I was smart enough not to have anything to do with. But the man I setteled for was not married but was not ready for a relationship but yet I held on to him for 5 years off and on.
Jane, I have been single and have tried dating here and there and I've been in therapy over the last year since my breakup trying to figure out why I keep attracting these type of men. I actually gave up dating because since my break-up the men I attracted only stuck to texting as a mode of communication and the moment I told them that I didn't mind texting but a phone call every now and then would be good too. I stopped hearing from them. I mean period. Now the old me would have freaked out and pursued etc., But I didn't do that which to me felt like a huge step. I just let it be. One of them resurfaced after 2 weeks and tried to pick up from where we left off like he never vanished. I still was smart and was polite to him but didn't entertain his houdini behavior and he got the message and vanished for good. That again is another big achievement for me.
I would like to meet a man that is good for me. But its exhausting and I have thrown in the towel and just haven't made any more attempts. I just don't get it. I really don't. I now know not to get involved with men that are emotionally unavailable. I know not to even start any kind of relationship but I am not sure why I am only attracting these kind of men! Maybe I am not done with my internal work and I am prematurely expecting things to change, but its been a year. Sigh...
I just came across this post, Jane and it is soooooooooo my situation.
I moved away from home 8 months ago. It's been a very drastic change because I moved from a culture that is quite opposite to the one I find here where I am living now. I had been wanting to move away from home ever since I was 15 years old. I kept dreaming about it, longing for it and even though I had this vision of life outside of my country in terms of safety, variety in culture and people, other interests and the possibility to pursue other passions, one of the main reasons why I felt I needed to leave was because I thought I would never find anyone good enough over there. I still think that it is somehow true due to cultural conditioning in my home country, but now that I am here and everything is different, I realized that I ended up in the same situation when it came to love. I ended up attracting the same kind of man right when I got here. Promising at first, but he turned out to have no interest in me whatsoever even when he behaved like he could be interested. That's when it hit me and I felt so ashamed and disappointed. It's me! I am "the problem". Then I stopped for the first time in my life to think about who I am and now I can say: I don't know! I thought I did, but I think I just let myself be conditioned by society, what my "friends" said, what my family said... I am not exactly sure now if I want a relationship because I honestly want one or because I have been led to believe I have to have one, otherwise I am not normal.
It's been a painful realization, it's been also a good thing because now I see I can start changing within. It is hard though. It's tough to unlearn and modify these patterns of behavior you've been having all your life. That's where I think I need some help. I also need a break. I feel like I have always been looking for someone. Every single social interaction I have made has been thinking if the other person thinks I am attractive, if they think I am smart, I have been so insecure all my life. I want it to stop. I still don't know how I am going to change all those harmful thoughts I've had so far, but I am determined to change. I can't keep attracting this crappy situations any longer. I cannot keep attracting people that don't care the least about me, I need to start toughening up a bit and demanding what I deserve.
Thank you so much, Jane for this site. It has helped me realize I am not alone, there is a way to change, there is another way.
And there is, Angel! I'm so glad this is helping you to see this for yourself, too! 🙂
Two years ago, I was slowly and painfully beginning to realize how much I didn't know.
I'm now two years in since this discovery and I see how it all comes in layers, layers, and more layers.
It's as if our brains can handle only small pieces at a time.
Right now, I have a much clearer vision of my programming.
I signed up for a dating app about two weeks ago and I started getting contacted by several men. I have been out on three dates so far, none of which have turned into second dates, but I am fully ok with it because it was my own choice. I no longer feel bad if they don't pursue, it amazes me how much I have overcome. In the past, I would have been riddled by doubt and fear and shame, along with questions: did I do anything wrong? Why didn't he ask for a second date? Did I look ok? Etc etc etc ad nauseum.
I have learned to think of dating as a sorting problem and simply a learning tool. I no longer focus on the guy, but I focus on me and how I feel, what I notice and what he says and I act on red flags as soon as they come into view. It's unbelievable and I am pretty sure the "me" who wrote the previous comment two years ago wouldn't even have believed she could be this relaxed and discerning.
Fear has subsided and a couple of days ago, I had another uncomfortable but insightful lightbulb moment. I was messaged by a guy who started off with a very intriguing question: are you monogamous? I said I was without even so much as thinking about it. Then a discussion on what that means and whether that's the only way to go ensued. I could notice the discomfort rising in me as he explained his reasons to doubt it and I could see he clearly had documented himself very well on the subject. I was confronted with the question after lots of compelling arguments. I could not even deal with the discomfort I felt inside. But then, this time instead of running away from it, I went right in. I became aware of how painful it felt to even fathom sharing my partner. As I dug further, I realized that there was a wound hidden in me. It had to do with competing with someone's attention and time to ensure survival, and to validate my worth. And then there was thing inevitable feeling that I would always lose. I tied my worth to that attachment figure. I supposed it comes from my parents' absenteeism and lack of emotional involvement, not to mention how nice and kind they were to other kids, but never to me. I was already aware of many aspects and wounds from childhood, but this particular one came into focus. I then started connecting this conversation to another podcast and a blog post I read by a spiritual teacher and I realized that this whole finding the one was simply a narrative created by world leaders centuries ago for political and economical reasons. They have fed us this idea that there's one love and that we're supposed to be with this person forever and be married and have children. And we swallowed it whole. I couldn't help but feel lied to, and even more confused than I have been in my life. It was a powerful realization I came to through discomfort. I realize that in practice, this is not as easy to break, but it is definitely there.
It also allowed me to feel even more relaxed about the dating process because I realized that even if I am not attracted to other alternatives right now, the fear of being alone forever is simply unfounded. I started noticing people who choose to live in intentional communities, women who decide to have their children without a father because they want to be mothers with every fiber of their being and it brings them an insurmountable amount of joy, even without a partner and inspite of the difficulties, people who choose to live in polyamorous relationships that don't look anything like sexual promiscuity, but simply the conscious decision to create their own families with 2 or 3 partners with their own negotiations and agreements and commitment to one another, who are very happy even if they have had to hit the wall and face their own insecurities within the relationship, and people who have simply decided to be single and lead a different kind of existence, write their own story and who are as happy as anybody else. They all took their lives into their own hands and created a different, alternative narrative, that makes them feel there's meaning and beauty in life, regardless of their circumstances.
I am nowhere near of figuring out what it is I truly want as a heart desire, but it astounds me to see there is so much out there to know and consider.
It also helps me ease up on the search and let things be what they are because in the end, just knowing there are many options available gives me peace and hope that I may even come to a point in life that is still as unfathomable as it is amazing. Let's see where I end up. Learning how to walk, before I can run.