you deserve to be loved

Why Not You?

A beautiful woman runs through a sunlit field with her arms outstretched, believing in love — Love is for everyone, including you!

I know we all have our reasons.

We all have our deeply ingrained stories about our lives and our loves that we've been programmed with since before we could even talk.

Stories we've been told, and have been re-telling ourselves for so long that they’re now simply a part of our subconscious belief system.

Embedded in our psyches.

And these stories keep us stuck.

It's what keeps us attracting men who are below that level. It's what keeps us attracted to men below that level.

It's what keeps us thinking things like "He's out of my league" and "I'm not good enough for a guy like him." All because we don’t believe we’re worth more than this.

So when we’re out and about, who is it we find ourselves attracted to? We don’t even notice the ones who would never dream of treating us the way we’re allowing ourselves to be treated. We don’t even see him among the crowd and we never give him the opportunity to see us because we’re operating at that level of belief that we are only worth so much.

And nothing more.Continue Reading

It's NOT Your Fault

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You don't say it, but I hear it.

It's because I've been there, too. It's in the mostly wordless shame and doubt and unworthiness that comes through in between the lines of your written words. The words may be different, your stories may be very different, but the unspoken feeling is the same:

You feel like this is your punishment.

This common theme emerges. I'm being punished for something.

If we trace this back, its roots are deep within our culture, deep within our religions, and deep within those people who meant well but somehow passed along the opposite message of what they intended.

We feel we failed.

We feel like we made poor choices, we made mistakes, we did something wrong. This life we are living, this seemingly endless search we are on, we feel this is our punishment.

This feeling of unworthiness, this lack of love in our lives. We believe it's all our fault.

We feel like we can't measure up, that we failed the test, that we can never make it up; that we are unlovable, unworthy, and this loneliness, this pattern of being with men who treat us this way, this pattern of coming close but never quite getting to real love, is our punishment.

And the worst part is, we believe we can't make up for it. It's a heavy judgment we allow ourselves to bear.

If you know all too well what I'm talking about, then I have something especially for you to remember. Wherever you've been, whatever you've been through, there is so much still to come for you. It is still your birthright to love and be loved just as you are.

The effects of thinking like this, of seeing this so black and white with such judgment on ourselves only feeds these feelings of unworthiness that leave us stuck and missing out on so much that love and life have to offer us.

It's not true.

It might serve our culture well to continue the pattern of blame, and shame, and punishment, but it doesn't serve you well, my beautiful friend.

It's time to throw off those deep, dark feelings of shame; to refuse to take on any more of their stuff. It's time to lighten your load, to remind yourself of all that you are and all that you have to offer someone worthy of you and to get out from under that oppressive belief system.

It's time to stop believing that you deserve to be punished.

Here's the truth.

You are loved, you are worthy, you are deserving of all that is loving and beautiful in the world! You deserve nothing less than this, my beautiful friend. And when you finally see the truth in this, when you finally realize that in your heart, you've known this all along, you will see what is waiting there for you.

That's where love is.

Letting Go of the Fear

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I remember that feeling oh so well. The fear that would come after reading yet another book, after hearing yet another speaker. There always seemed to be something else I was supposed to be doing, or not doing. Something else I was doing wrong. And that's when it would set in. The fear.

What if I had missed my chance by not doing what I was supposed to be doing? What if it was too late and I had already sealed my fate?

I couldn't shut out the fear. The fear of being alone forever and never finding someone who would love me for me.

Whenever I was alone it would set in and I would just wallow in this big giant lake of doubt, drowning in it. With every new book I was only finding myself growing more and more fearful that I would never be able to figure it out and finally get it right!

I just wasn't getting it at all, and sometimes I felt like I was even going backwards.

Did that mean it was all over for me – or at least in this lifetime?

Ackkk!

It was a downward spiral.

So much to focus on, so much to not focus on, so much to try to change, so much programming to try to reverse. It just felt overwhelming.

Once again I was believing that everyone else has it in them but me. Everyone else must be able to do this except me.

And so I felt more alone, more scared, more doubtful and more fearful that I would ever get this right. I was caught in a downward spiral.

Until I read that I just needed to stop being afraid. Completely overwhelmed, I surrendered to God, to the Universe, to whatever it is that's out there and let it be known that I just couldn't do this anymore. I was tired of being afraid.

Then something clicked.

It was like a light switch suddenly being turned on.

And that's when I started to live. I realized that this fear had been such a central part of my life that had been controlling so many of my decisions (and indecisions). Something about recognizing it, acknowledging it, realizing the hold it had on me and finally surrendering to it brought it down to size. It was then on a level that I could see it clearly without letting it rule my life.

I could now acknowledge those fears as they came up, but I was in control now of how much I would allow them to affect me or how much I would believe what they were saying. I could finally look them in the eye and tell them they were wrong.

I knew the truth.

I was lovable, I was beautiful, I was attractive, I was worthy, and I did deserve to be loved. I was finally able to see this for myself, no matter what those nasty voices of fear were whispering in my ear.

And I want to tell you right now, in no uncertain terms, that it's the same for you, my beautiful friend. All of your doubts and fears don't have to control you and your life for even one more moment. It's time to see just how much control you have over those fears. It's time to acknowledge them, accept them for what they are, and then let them go.

They are not you. They don't define who you are.

They are only the manifestation of our culture, the media, the well-meaning people in your life, and your past programming. They can no longer dictate what happens to you.

Living with fear at the root of your reality is no way to live.

I know it and you know it.

It all begins with that same simple word – enough.

Acknowledge, accept, and then let it go. Fear is only as big as we make it in our minds and that's the only place it exists. There is so much more to life and love than this, and there is so much more to come for you.

Don't let those fears get in the way of all that you deserve, all that you already have, and all that is still waiting for you.

In Your Own Time

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You hear what I'm saying, you hear what others are saying, but it's so hard to believe this is what it all comes down to. What if he's different? What if I'm the exception? What if it's just a matter of waiting a little longer? What if this is my dream and it can still come true? I understand completely where you're coming from if any of this resonates with you.

It took me many times of going back and forth, many dances of holding on tighter and then letting go one small step back at a time before I was finally able to completely let go and move on from the many relationships I was in that held so many of my hopes and dreams. I, too, always whispered those words to myself whenever someone came along who thought they knew better, even if I had been the one asking for their thoughts.

Unfortunately, when someone is in the thick of it, they are rarely ever open to seeing a relationship for what it is. I have learned time and time again, that unless someone is open to hearing the truth, so much of what we say isn't able to be received. So I have learned to give someone an honest outside perspective if they ask for it, but then, to give them the space to do what they choose to do with that information. We only become co-dependent if we keep after them, trying to get them to change, to see it the way that everyone else clearly sees it.

I've come to realize that we are all on our own unique journeys, and each of us comes to that level of awareness when we finally see things the way they are instead of the way we want them to be, in our own timing. The point is to share our own unique perspective, and then let them discover this in the way that is meant to be for them. Just like we can't make anyone love us, we also can't make anyone else see the truth of what's really going on if they refuse to see it, no matter how much we see themselves only hurting themselves more this way. It is such a personal choice to choose to come into the light of what is instead of being guided by our deep inner longings and deepest hurts that influence our decisions more than any degree of logic.

The "why" of why we we do this to ourselves, why we find ourselves so attracted to someone who is so not good for us in the first place, and then remain in such a relationship even after we've heard the truth, is because these subconscious needs we have at the core of us are stronger than any conscious rational thinking. We are never drawn to these men because they are so attractive, or so intelligent, or so wealthy, or so charming, or seductive, or whatever it is for each one of us; we are drawn to them because they trigger in us something familiar so that we sense a unique opportunity to right a wrong, or make good on something that we didn't get or was done to us in our distant past, usually from our earliest childhoods, so great is the pull towards someone like this.

We are drawn to the opportunity to finally affect the outcome, to prove ourselves worthy and loveable enough to finally have the person this person outwardly represents to love us in the way we know we deserve. And yet what takes so long for us to recognize, is that it is not our issue, it is theirs. That they were never capable of loving us the way we deserved to be loved had nothing to do with our own lovableness or worthiness, but everything to do with their own issues and demons that they never learned to deal with before we were in their lives.

And once we're there, it becomes so hard to leave, we will come up with every excuse to keep us there, to keep the reality of the truth away before we're ready to hear it. Because it means everything to make it work, we are talking about love here, and because it runs so much deeper than this particular man, we feel like we are dying without it. Because as a child, we could actually die without love, but we forget we're no longer children, we no longer have to be victims, we can choose to end all this pain and misery with a simple word. Enough!

But it's only when we are willing to see the reality of what is and not what we want it to be, that we see any of this. And that is why we do this to ourselves and it never feels like a conscious choice until we get to that point where we can say those words and mean it, my beautiful friend, and that is also why we keep repeating these same patterns over and over again until we finally get to this deeper level of awareness where there is nothing left to prove; there never was.

Until then, until we come to that realization and can accept the reality of what is, it is enough to just be open. To know that everything happens for a reason. To trust that this is part of your journey for a purpose. And to believe that when it's time, when you're ready to move beyond the life that you cannot imagine letting go of right now, you will be strong enough to do exactly that. This isn't about measuring up to some standard of what you should be able to do. Nor is it about beating yourself up if you're not there yet and don't know if you ever will be. When you've learned what you need to learn from this, when you're ready to do something different, you'll know. It will become absolutely clear to you that you can do this!

And until that time, if all you do is learn what it means to truly love yourself and forgive yourself for whatever regrets you may have had along the way, that is more than enough.

Be Healthy

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And know what that means for you.

OK, so we all know the importance of being healthy.

Of having a healthy lifestyle.

But beyond all the fancy clichés and trendy phrases, do we really understand what that means for us? Do we truly get what that actually looks like in real life?

Our real lives?

If we think of being healthy as being more of an attitude than a list of things we do, it helps us to understand the important role this step plays in getting to true love.

The key is that being healthy is about you, not about him.

It’s what we do for ourselves, to keep us feeling our best inside and out. With the motivation that it’s in taking care of ourselves like we deserve to be taken care of, that we remember each day that we are worthy, we are beautiful, we are deserving of only the best life has to offer.Continue Reading

Make Him Prove That He's Worthy Of You

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We've gotten so used to making this about everything except love that we don't even know how to get back to where we need to be. Somewhere along the way we unfortunately learned to believe that we need to prove something. That we need to show him, or maybe everyone, that we really do have value, that we really are all that. That we need to prove ourselves worthy.

We've traveled so far from our true selves that it's no wonder that we've found ourselves alone and questioning the meaning of life.

So alone.

Is it really any surprise? We've learned to be what everyone seems to be telling us that these guys want us to be – sexy, cool, hip, etc. We believe we need to show him all we've got, lay it all out there, so that we get noticed and we can catch him.

I used to think it was all about being that beautiful, sexy woman who would make every man want to be with her. What I didn't realize was that I was acting that way because I thought I had to – I thought that's what every man really wanted in a woman. I finally realized that I was only attracting the player types, because the others who actually wanted a committed relationship with an eventual real life partner weren't interested, or were scared off. They were all getting together and settling down with real women who were just being themselves and who were honest about what they were looking for!

I had no clue what real love looked like. The truth was I had no idea what I was doing, and what I was doing wrong.

I can't tell you how many times I would hear about someone who was nothing special in the ways I though mattered (read: looks, sexiness) who was getting married, having children, beginning that life that I so wanted for myself. And there I was, acting the way I thought I was supposed to act, being that person I thought I was supposed to be, the type that every man supposedly wanted, only to come to the startling realization that I had it all wrong.

Real men want the real you.

The kind of men I actually wanted to be with, men who were looking for a real, committed relationship, didn't want someone like that. They wanted the real me, not the image of this artificial me I was trying so hard to project. The others, the swaggering player types who wanted the challenge I was presenting them with, wanted me but not for the reasons I wanted.

Until one day, I got it.

I started putting the pieces together, started reading between the lines of my life. I finally realized that I wasn't in a movie, or a fairy tale; this was my life. I hadn't found success in love with what I thought was my type, which was really just our culture and the media telling me what should be my type. I had no idea what my type was anymore, and I had no idea who I really was.

And from that place of no man's land, I found the only thing that mattered. Love. Love for myself first. And love for another human being second. I had to get to the basics of who I really was, and let go of who I wasn't.

I had to admit what it was I really wanted. If it was love I wanted, I had to be honest with myself and realize there was no shame in being upfront about what my heart and soul truly desired. I had to admit that I might have it wrong and that there might be something to this simple way of just being and loving and focusing solely on the simplicity of love instead of the illusion of the game of extreme attraction.

It's OK to admit you want love.

I had to admit that I wanted love, and no, it wasn't needy for me to admit that; it was confident. I had to admit that I just wanted someone to love me, and he didn't have to be someone everyone would be jealous of. This wasn't about me looking good with someone, or finding someone who measured up to the standard that I always felt I had to measure up to in every way. This false standard created by our media-driven culture.

I could finally stop caring about what other people would think, and just find someone to love who loved me the same way.

That's it! Do you get that? This isn't about all the other stuff, all the unhealthy background baggage that you and I and all of our girlfriends bring to our relationships.

This isn't about you proving something to yourself or anyone else. He doesn't have to look like Bradley Cooper or a guy right out of a firefighter calendar. He doesn't have to be anything except someone who loves you, who gets you, who's compatible with you, who would make a great husband and father.

Do you see the difference?

We were created to love.

We women were biologically made to love, to give, to inspire, to care. In our hearts and souls what we really want at the end of the day, more than anything, is to have someone to come home to! Someone to hold us, to love us, to care about us, to calm our fears, to chase away all of our demons.

And what do we offer in return? We don't know anymore. We're so confused.

We've made it so complicated.

We've gotten so used to playing a role, being everything we're supposed to strive to be, when in reality, it's left us nowhere. We don't know how to get together anymore.

Men aren't used to the concept of being able to conquer us so easily. They don't know what to do with that! We cave so easily because we think that's what it's about. Being liberated. When in reality, giving ourselves away like we do feels anything like liberating.

It feels awful when the ecstasy wears off and we realize we did it again and he's not calling us again. The downward spiral continues as we beat ourselves up. Why can't we be stronger than that? And then the anger comes; we're supposed to be able to handle giving ourselves away like this – it's not supposed to feel this bad!

But it does feel bad.

It doesn't work both ways. We have to figure out who we are and what we really want. To prioritize and then focus on our priorities and not be swayed by our attraction to the unhealthy, as we work on loving ourselves and letting go of the things that trigger us to attract the unhealthy men and relationships we attract. Stop.

We can blame, we can go back in time as far as we want. But in the end, it's not about the past. It's about recognizing we all have a past, we all have baggage, we all do the things we do because of things beyond our control. But going back and back and figuring ourselves out doesn't do anything for where we are now. We're still alone. We're still lonely. We're still loathing ourselves, beating ourselves up, filling ourselves with regrets and if only.

Stop.

You're here right now. It's time to look again. To see yourself in a whole new way. Real. True. Imperfect. With nothing to prove. Nothing to show. Just here to love. And be loving. And show love. On a level that's safe. Respectful of you. Beautiful you. Guarded. Which means, you give your love to everyone, you shine your beautiful light of you all around you, but you only give your heart away to a man who proves himself worthy of that beautiful love you offer on that deeper level.

And when they see you with the love of your life, they'll know you didn't settle for anything less than you deserved.

You saw. You chose. You became free.

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Why Not You?

It's NOT Your Fault

We feel we failed.

It's not true.

Here's the truth.

Letting Go of the Fear

It was a downward spiral.

Then something clicked.

I knew the truth.

I know it and you know it.

In Your Own Time

Be Healthy

Make Him Prove That He's Worthy Of You

So alone.

Real men want the real you.

It's OK to admit you want love.

We were created to love.

We've made it so complicated.

But it does feel bad.

Stop.

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