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Yes, you.

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A beautiful woman stands, looking downward, in front of a red brick wall.
It's time to give yourself the compassion you give others.

If last night was another night you couldn't sleep because of something you said or did that you can't let go of (because of how messed up everything became after the fact), it's time you had some grace and compassion and understanding for you.

Yes, you.

See, you have it for everyone else. You go out of your way to excuse and understand and see the best in and give everyone else you're invested in, the benefit of the doubt. But for you, it's a different story.

There's no compassion or grace in the way you look at your imperfections. There's only judgement and disdain for how you look upon what you should have known better and should have done differently instead of what you did.

So when he called you out on the very thing you were trying to prevent, when he turned it on you because you were trying so hard to be perfect you forgot you were human, too, it only added insult to injury on how you were already feeling about yourself.

Let it go.Continue Reading

It's Hard Enough!

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A beautiful woman is frustrated with her head in her hands.
Do yourself a huge favor, right now.

Isn't that how you feel?

Everything already feels so hard, and then you have someone who isn't on the same page as you when it matters most.

No matter how hard you think it is now, it doesn't get any easier the longer you wait for someone to come around and change when the warning signs are there if you could trust yourself enough to see them.

Life is messy. Relationships aren't fantasies.

Who you are and who he is are products of years of programming - mostly the subconscious kind neither one of you are even aware of. Until the honeymoon is over and you're only left with reality, because the beginning wasn't who he really was.

At least not in a way he could indefinitely sustain.

It's why we excuse away those little behaviors that are actually the seeds of huge red flags. It's why we let those small things we don't want to make a mountain of slide, because of our own inherent confirmation biases.Continue Reading

7 Things You Need to Do Different to Attract Someone Different

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A beautiful woman is on a romantic date with a man.
Here's what you need to do if you want to attract someone different.

If we're going to change who and what we attract, if we're going to start seeing something different in who and what shows up in our lives, we've got to start by making some big changes in how we're actually living our lives.

Today.

Not tomorrow. Not when we have more energy or time to get this right, but right now.

Here's what we're going to do:

1. Stop making anyone - and yes, I do mean anyone - the center of your universe.

It's not good for either one of you.

YOU'RE the center of your universe.

And no, that's not selfish. That's a healthy way to live your life based not on yet another fantasy but on reality. The one you control, not someone you give all your control to hoping for a different result than the one you've gotten so used to seeing.Continue Reading

What No One Ever Tells You About Real Love

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Close up of man and woman holding hands in the sunset.
It's the part about real love they left out.

I wasn’t real.

They, on the other hand, might have been. But I would never know.

Because until I was able to get real, nothing was real. What I came face to face with was the reality that I didn’t know how to be real. I was too busy trying to be perfect.

Trying to figure out what it was they wanted me to be and then being that. Trying to prove my worthiness, my perfectness, my "perfect girlfriend-ness".

That’s all I knew. And that’s what I thought mattered.

I knew I wanted someone to choose me, to make me feel like something. To give a life to fit into. To give me a world to fit into and a role to play. To give me the instruction sheet on how to do a relationship.

Just tell me what you want me to be and I’ll be it.  Continue Reading

How Your 9 Year Old Self Ruined Your Love Life

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Young girl holding flowers looking at the sunset with hearts floating away.
She didn't know...

I'll be the first to agree that sometimes our "aha" moments come to us in the most unusual of places.

Like recently, when I was sitting in the audience at our local high school annual holiday concert.  Listening to the beautiful music being played and sung by these talented young students in the band, the choir, and the orchestra, I realized I had lived my own student years in all the wrong places.

Here in this place where the music touched my soul and made me feel like everything was all right in the world (and especially with me!) it all suddenly became so clear.

With a clarity I never had before, I realized exactly what happened during those formative years that now seem so long ago.

You see, without even knowing it, the words from my older, popular sister (who I secretly aspired to be like) had influenced where I went, where I didn't go, who I was friends with, and who I wasn't friends with.

Five years before me, when my older sister entered high school and had the option to choose band and choir or art and drama, I had overheard her and her friends referring to all the kids who took art and drama as cool and popular, while the ones taking band and choir were described as the opposite.

I never forgot their words.Continue Reading

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