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Make Him Prove That He's Worthy Of You

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Only give your heart away to a man who proves himself worthy of that beautiful love you offer. A man is kissing a beautiful woman hoping he can prove that he is worthy of her love. We've gotten so used to making this about everything except love that we don't even know how to get back to where we need to be. Somewhere along the way we unfortunately learned to believe that we need to prove something. That we need to show him, or maybe everyone, that we really do have value, that we really are all that. That we need to prove ourselves worthy.

We've traveled so far from our true selves that it's no wonder that we've found ourselves alone and questioning the meaning of life.

So alone.

Is it really any surprise? We've learned to be what everyone seems to be telling us that these guys want us to be – sexy, cool, hip, etc. We believe we need to show him all we've got, lay it all out there, so that we get noticed and we can catch him.

I used to think it was all about being that beautiful, sexy woman who would make every man want to be with her. What I didn't realize was that I was acting that way because I thought I had to – I thought that's what every man really wanted in a woman. I finally realized that I was only attracting the player types, because the others who actually wanted a committed relationship with an eventual real life partner weren't interested, or were scared off.  They were all getting together and settling down with real women who were just being themselves and who were honest about what they were looking for!

I had no clue what real love looked like. The truth was I had no idea what I was doing, and what I was doing wrong.

I can't tell you how many times I would hear about someone who was nothing special in the ways I though mattered (read: looks, sexiness) who was getting married, having children, beginning that life that I so wanted for myself. And there I was, acting the way I thought I was supposed to act, being that person I thought I was supposed to be, the type that every man supposedly wanted, only to come to the startling realization that I had it all wrong.

Real men want the real you.

The kind of men I actually wanted to be with, men who were looking for a real, committed relationship,  didn't want someone like that. They wanted the real me, not the image of this artificial me I was trying so hard to project. The others, the swaggering player types who wanted the challenge I was presenting them with, wanted me but not for the reasons I wanted.

Until one day, I got it.

I started putting the pieces together, started reading between the lines of my life. I finally realized that I wasn't in a movie, or a fairy tale; this was my life. I hadn't found success in love with what I thought was my type, which was really just our culture and the media telling me what should be my type. I had no idea what my type was anymore, and I had no idea who I really was.

And from that place of no man's land, I found the only thing that mattered. Love. Love for myself first. And love for another human being second. I had to get to the basics of who I really was, and let go of who I wasn't.

I had to admit what it was I really wanted. If it was love I wanted, I had to be honest with myself and realize there was no shame in being upfront about what my heart and soul truly desired. I had to admit that I might have it wrong and that there might be something to this simple way of just being and loving and focusing solely on the simplicity of love instead of the illusion of the game of extreme attraction.

It's OK to admit you want love.

I had to admit that I wanted love, and no, it wasn't needy for me to admit that; it was confident. I had to admit that I just wanted someone to love me, and he didn't have to be someone everyone would be jealous of. This wasn't about me looking good with someone, or finding someone who measured up to the standard that I always felt I had to measure up to in every way. This false standard created by our media-driven culture.

I could finally stop caring about what other people would think, and just find someone to love who loved me the same way.

That's it! Do you get that? This isn't about all the other stuff, all the unhealthy background baggage that you and I and all of our girlfriends bring to our relationships.

This isn't about you proving something to yourself or anyone else. He doesn't have to look like Bradley Cooper or a guy right out of a firefighter calendar. He doesn't have to be anything except someone who loves you, who gets you, who's compatible with you, who would make a great husband and father.

Do you see the difference?

We were created to love.

We women were biologically made to love, to give, to inspire, to care. In our hearts and souls what we really want at the end of the day, more than anything, is to have someone to come home to! Someone to hold us, to love us, to care about us, to calm our fears, to chase away all of our demons.

And what do we offer in return? We don't know anymore. We're so confused.

We've made it so complicated.

We've gotten so used to playing a role, being everything we're supposed to strive to be, when in reality, it's left us nowhere. We don't know how to get together anymore.

Men aren't used to the concept of being able to conquer us so easily. They don't know what to do with that! We cave so easily because we think that's what it's about. Being liberated. When in reality, giving ourselves away like we do feels anything like liberating.

It feels awful when the ecstasy wears off and we realize we did it again and he's not calling us again. The downward spiral continues as we beat ourselves up. Why can't we be stronger than that? And then the anger comes; we're supposed to be able to handle giving ourselves away like this – it's not supposed to feel this bad!

But it does feel bad.

It doesn't work both ways.  We have to figure out who we are and what we really want. To prioritize and then focus on our priorities and not be swayed by our attraction to the unhealthy, as we work on loving ourselves and letting go of the things that trigger us to attract the unhealthy men and relationships we attract. Stop.

We can blame, we can go back in time as far as we want. But in the end, it's not about the past. It's about recognizing we all have a past, we all have baggage, we all do the things we do because of things beyond our control. But going back and back and figuring ourselves out doesn't do anything for where we are now. We're still alone. We're still lonely. We're still loathing ourselves, beating ourselves up, filling ourselves with regrets and if only.

Stop.

You're here right now. It's time to look again. To see yourself in a whole new way. Real. True. Imperfect. With nothing to prove. Nothing to show. Just here to love. And be loving. And show love. On a level that's safe. Respectful of you. Beautiful you. Guarded. Which means, you give your love to everyone, you shine your beautiful light of you all around you, but you only give your heart away to a man who proves himself worthy of that beautiful love you offer on that deeper level.

And when they see you with the love of your life, they'll know you didn't settle for anything less than you deserved.

You saw. You chose. You became free.

4 Ways Your Mom Messed Up Your Love Life

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Whether we recognize it or not, your mom has a say in who you become and even who you date. A beautiful mother sitting on the couch with her beautiful but upset daughter.Mother's Day is fast approaching and it got me thinking about the ways in which our mothers affect our dating patterns. Whether we recognize it or not, your mom has a say in who you become and even who you date.

As much as you'd like to think that you're completely separate from her and aren't influenced by what she thinks of you, the fact is you're influenced by mom more than you'd like to believe.

Here's just a sampling of the ways she's managed to wrangle herself into your dating life:

1. It started when you were a baby.

Researchers have found that the ability to love, trust and work through arguments is developed during infancy and can directly affect behavior in future relationships.

If your mother was distant or emotionally cold to you when you were a baby, you may find it very difficult to allow yourself to love and be loved later in life.

While these tendencies were developed before you were forming memories or even able to speak, that doesn't mean they can't be overcome but it does mean you may have some additional hurdles.

2. She set the example.

We're naturally programmed to view the type of relationship that our parents had as the norm, so if your parents had a loving, trusting, long-lasting relationship, then you're in luck.

Unfortunately, this is not always the case.

With roughly half of marriages ending in divorce, many more on the brink and others that are just downright dysfunctional, the majority of us are following examples that are less than stellar.

Continue reading on YourTango.com...

Is Your Relationship Moving Too Fast?

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Why did he pursue me like that if he didn’t really want to be with me? A man is romancing his woman with lavish gifts and flowers.
While flowers and romance can be wonderful, too much too soon is a red flag.

One of our readers wrote to me last week saying "I have a friend who recently met a man who is going absolutely overboard with professing his love (after 2 dates) and giving her gifts. She's, of course, eating it up while all I see are red flags."

This is one of the questions I’m typically asked after it’s all over (which is usually fairly quickly), but not when it’s still going on. The question is commonly phrased something along the lines of "Why did he come on so strong if he wasn't interested in a committed relationship with me? Why did he pursue me like that if he didn't really want to be with me?" But in this particular case the woman in question has a beautiful friend who is looking out for her, and is concerned about the situation while it's occurring.

I have to say that I agree with her concerns. While I'm sure there are some exceptions to the rule, the whirlwind love-at-first-site romance that turns into a lifelong love affair is, unfortunately, very rare. It's much more common that the intense burning flame quickly turns into a flame-out.

I've lived through it myself many times, and I've heard too many similar stories to count. How is it that he can treat us like such a princess, going almost overboard with flowers and gifts and romantic gestures, and then just disappear from our lives as soon as we’re completely smitten and ready to say I do?

There is a reason.

It’s because this is what he does best! This is what he’s all about. It’s the chase, the conquest, the prize – this is what it’s all about to him until he knows he's got you and suddenly he realizes on some level that this has become all too real and now it’s his turn to deliver on his promises and make a commitment. It’s at that point that everything starts changing. For reasons that have everything to do with him, and nothing to do with you, this is the MO of the guy who we have the hardest time understanding.

Because it doesn't make any sense. At least not to us.

You see, my beautiful friend, this guy knows all the moves, all the right things to say and do because he’s practiced this more than a few times. He may say he wants a relationship and a commitment, he may see he’s just never met the right woman before, he may say he wants exactly what you want, but the reality is, he hasn't figured out what he needs to do to make this happen, and his own insecurities give him no motivation to do anything different. He hasn't looked into what holds him back, what makes him not want to commit, what makes him fail to get past the incredible beginning of a new and exciting conquest. And he doesn't have to because we keep making it so easy for him to continue behaving like this with us!

It may help to know that your friend is not the only one who’s fallen for this type of man. Most of us loving, giving, caring, believing women have experienced him at one time or another. This type of surface relationship catches most of us off guard because it seems – he seems – too good to be true, but at the same time it feels so true. And we so want to believe it, believe in the fairytale.

And that should be our red flag.

Because the reality is, he doesn't even know who you are yet! He doesn't even know (yet) that you’re worth all this time and energy and expense this early in the relationship. And he certainly doesn't know if he's in love with you yet.

And just like you don’t even know him yet, or know if he’s worth giving any part of yourself too, yet, you need some time to spend getting to know him and who he really is, not getting caught up in all the surface things he’s doing or saying, no matter how flattering it is!

My advice.

My advice to your friend would be to make sure, through all of the abdominal butterflies and fireworks, to remember what it is she's really looking for: a real guy who’s looking for a real relationship with a real woman, like her.

She can enjoy the attention from Mr. Speedy while making sure that she keeps her head clear and her eyes and ears open to reality. She can also keep things at a more realistic pace on her own terms – If he's not happy with that and disappears, then she has her answer – he wasn't the real thing after all. And she found out sooner rather than later.

On the other hand, if turns out to be the real thing, and he's proven to her that he's in it for the same reasons she is, and that he values the same things she does, he wants the same kind of commitment that she wants, then things will just keep getting better and better. Until she knows that for sure, none of the words, gifts or romantic gestures matter.

I'll finish with a short story:

I was out with one of my girlfriends on the day I met my husband, and she met a guy the same day. By the time my husband and I had arranged to get together and he picked me up for our first date, they had been together 24/7 for about a week straight, and were already planning to move in together. She told me that she knew it was the real thing, it was just so intense, so passionate, so amazing.

A month or two later, just as we were starting to get serious, their relationship was over. Now, about twelve years later, my husband and I just celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary.

Some things just can't be rushed.

A New Perspective on Valentine's Day

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The reality is that many of those seemingly wonderful relationships that for appearances sake seem to hold everything we long for are not anything we would really want. A valentine's day heart shaped candle burns against a white background.It’s the day I remember all too well. As the entourage of flower and hearts and candy deliveries made their way into the office, the most I could usually hope for was my own Valentine’s bouquet sent from my well-meaning Mom (thanks Mom!)

Or it was a beautiful show of flowers from someone I was with that knew how to do all the surface things, but anything deeper than that was a whole different story.

But what I came to realize over the years, was that typically all of the fanfare hid the fact that there was very little depth behind these outward shows of affection. That the show of roses was about an expectation that’s come to be associated with this holiday, but doesn't necessarily show the real love of a real heart of a real man.Continue Reading

The Truth About Healthy Relationships

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We're going to look at the truth about healthy relationships. You need to first forget everything you think a relationship is all about and what it feels like because your relationship gauge is up when it’s supposed to be down. A beautiful but sad woman is sitting on the floor contemplating her relationship.It's been so long since you've had anything resembling a healthy relationship, you don't even know what one looks like. Until now. It's time to start at the beginning, forgetting everything you think a relationship is all about and what it feels like because right now your relationship gauge is pointing up when it’s supposed to be pointing down. It's not working, and we're going to fix it. It’s OK. It’s not your fault. We’re going to help you get your relationship gauge fixed so that you can recognize a real, authentic, healthy relationship in the future when it's pointing you in the opposite direction.

It all begins with forgetting everything we think we know about relationships. Now, here’s the part we want to learn for the first time. Like learning to read or write, we’re learning together how to have a healthy relationship that makes us (get this part) H-A-P-P-Y. Yes! Happy! Remember that? Remember what that felt like when you actually felt happy? In a relationship?

It's quite possible you might never have known what it’s really like to feel happy in a relationship. Because the happy I’m talking about here isn't the kind where when he finally shows up at your door or calls after you've had a search party out looking for him and made calls to the local hospitals and the morgue – not that kind. That’s the kind where we've been so low in the gutter, completely devoid of any trace of our self-esteem, that by the time we see him alive we’re feeling so relieved he’s still choosing us that we think we're happy.

But really;  is that happiness? Are you really happy in this relationship or is it just that you’re unhappy so much of the time that when anything happens remotely resembling a man caring about us, or at least still choosing to be with us, we feel the opposite of what we usually feel like, so we honestly think we’re happy?

I know. This is tough. I understand all too well. It’s not easy peeling back some of the layers of the feelings and coping behaviors we've had for so long (read: denial) to reveal the truth. I really do get that. It’s not easy to admit to ourselves that this relationship just might not be the equivalent of what happiness is all about (even though everyone else around us may be pointing this out). I know firsthand that denial can run pretty deep when we’re talking about having to do something about this relationship we’re so desperately believing we can change by just being good enough, beautiful enough, smart enough, clever enough, sexy enough, enough, enough, enough!

Do you get that? I know that’s tough to hear, but, my beautiful dear friends, it’s the truth!  This is not how it’s supposed to be!  We are not supposed to be in relationships with guys who treat us in such ways that we lose our entire equilibrium of which end is up. It's really not supposed to be this way! Do you see that, even a little? It’s OK if you don’t. Just know we’re going to get you there together.

Here's a hint: Separate date nights are not the way the weekends are supposed to go. People in healthy authentic relationships actually want to be together. They just genuinely like being together, so it happens. They don’t have rigid rules about how or when or where it can happen. It just does.  It’s not supposed to be complicated. Getting together is not complicated when you’re in a real relationship with a real guy who really likes being with you and you really like being with him. Mutual. Together. Easy.  Those are the words you’re looking for.

It feels effortless, easy, not complicated. Not filled with dramatic highs and lows and fighting and making up and more fighting and making up and more drama and more fighting and more anxiety and more drama … do you see a theme here? That’s not how it’s supposed to be even if to you right now that feels like someone cares about you. That’s not what all that means.  I’m going to tell you what it really means. Read this slowly. It means your guy is unhealthy, the relationship’s unhealthy, and there’s no way you can be healthy if you’re with the unhealthy guy in the unhealthy relationship.  Do you see that at all? It’s like simple math. 2+2=4, not 3 or 5 or some other number. You can’t have an unhealthy guy and an unhealthy relationship and have a healthy you.

But if you're in this so deep that you’re not ready to consider the reality of that yet, that’s OK. We’re going to get you there, but it takes time. But please hear me when I tell you that one day you really will look back on this and be so glad you listened to that little voice that’s so soft and hard to hear right now, saying it really is time to let go, you can do this, you can (gulp) be on your own. I know, I used to gulp too. What? ME? Leave HIM? Like right NOW? Before I've given him his 1001 chance to see just how wonderful I am and how much he needs to change and start treating me right because I really am all that?

The part where you really start to believe this comes next. After you open your eyes to the reality of what is going on here. Shifts in seeing always happen in baby steps. Not overnight.  Just hold that thought for a minute and listen to what you're hearing here. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be with someone who thinks the world of you just because you’re you. Not because of anything you feel like you have to do.

You see, that’s the whole point.  If you’re in a healthy relationship, you don’t have to do or be anything except be yourself. And do what your real self does. It’s not about pleasing anybody or doing what you know they’d like you to be or do, it’s about a real give and take. The real thing where you share the real you and he shares the real him.

Equally.

Real Love

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Real Love. Real Love never leaves you hanging. Real Love never leaves you guessing. Real love never hurts. A man and woman are holding hands walking through an autumnal field of fallen leaves.Real love never leaves you hanging.

Real love never keeps you guessing.

Real love never leaves you wondering.

Real love never makes you feel bad.

Real love never makes you question yourself.

Real love never makes you feel anxious or insecure.

Real love never makes you feel alone.

Real love never hurts.

If you're feeling any of these, it's not real love, so don't be fooled into calling it that. Don't try to convince yourself that you have to put up with someone's hurtful behavior or settle for their crumbs all in the name of love because real love just doesn't work that way.

We sometimes call it real love because it's all we've ever known love to be about, but just because that's been our past experience, it doesn't mean it's true.

It's not.

The irony is that sometimes we have to give up our preconceived notions of what love is in order to find out what real love truly is.

And when you find it, when you experience the sweet gift of real love, you will know without a doubt what it is. Until then, it's about letting go of any love that falls short of honoring your beautiful you and all that you are and have to offer. It's about learning to love yourself so that you can begin to feel what it's like to be loved for who you truly are.

It's about sifting through the players and users who use love like it's a game to be won at your heart and soul's expense. It's about learning to say no when our old selves are crying out yes. It's about embracing every part of ourselves; our whole selves that includes our faults and flaws. And seeing the beauty within. The love we have to offer. The hearts we all too willingly give for so little in return.

There is such a beauty within if we could just learn to recognize it ourselves. Once we see that, once we get who we really are, what we have to give, and the real prize we truly are for the right kind of man, we see that there is no question that we must hold onto ourselves until we have seen what he is offering us.

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About Jane Garapick

Hi, I'm Jane Garapick. I'm here to provide inspiration, support and empowerment on the journey to true love. I know what it’s like to have a broken heart, a broken dream, and a broken you. And I know for a fact, that your dreams can still come true! Read more...
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