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Fear ... and Hope

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A beautiful woman covers her face with her hands because she is feeling afraid and lonely.
Yes, it can be scary, but know that it will pass.

Yes, it's scary.

Uncertainty. Fear. The Unknown.

There's been an overwhelming theme to all my calls with so many of you this week, and it's a reminder that we're all connected, feeling similar things regardless of where we find ourselves in this world of ours.

Thing have changed with the reality of Covid, the US elections that have brought up so many more feelings for all of us, and yet in the midst of all of what we're feeling and experiencing, life still must somehow go on.

But how?Continue Reading

He says he needs space. What do I do now?

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Sad woman hugging her emotionally unavailable boyfriend and looking down.
I'm terrified he won't come back.

Our letter today comes from Cyndi, who's wondering what to do when her boyfriend said he needs space to figure things out, and she can't stop thinking about him. Sound familiar?

Here's her letter and my response:

Hi Jane,

My boyfriend asked for some space from the relationship to figure things out. Not contacting him is so so difficult and I’m terrified that he won’t come back. I know I need to take this time to focus on myself but it’s all I’m thinking about right now.

What do I do?

-  Cyndi

My Response:

Of course that's all you can think about right now, Cyndi. He's the one who asked for space, not you. You wanted things to keep progressing. You weren't expecting this. Continue Reading

If you don't fix THIS first, nothing else gets fixed either

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Woman sitting by a lake feeling all alone in her relationship.
You can't will yourself to make this easier.

It's usually after you've tried everything else that you find your way here.

When everyone else has made you feel so much worse for not being able to figure this whole life/love/relationships thing out on your own, and you can now add shame to everything else you feel.

Did they think you didn't want to be able to figure this out on your own?

Of course you did! It's no wonder you have to build up the courage to finally try again.

Maybe this time will be different, but do this enough times and it makes perfect sense why you've resorted to humor or sarcasm or just about any other coping mechanism to hide your pain.

Don't play this game anymore.

This going back to the same people you couldn't count on before to try to get some love and grace, only to feel once more that there's something wrong with you that you can't do the scariest thing; something (anything) different.Continue Reading

When all you feel is PRESSURE

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A beautiful woman holds her head questioning if she's in a healthy relationship.
That's your real worst fear, isn't it?

One of these days, Beautiful, you're going to get up enough nerve to finally do that thing you keep telling yourself you can't do. That thing you think you're not good enough to do. That thing that you think someone else will always be able to do better than you.

And you're going to go be that person you've always thought could only be someone else.

You're going to stop looking in the mirror so critically at everything you think you have to change first. You're going to stop looking at all those milestones someone arbitrarily decided for you.

And you're going to choose your own goals and plans and dreams instead of waiting to see if you can get enough approval for your own.

You can't do this with someone breathing over you (either figuratively or literally) telling you who you are or what you're supposed to be.Continue Reading

If There's ONE Thing I've Learned Through Everything I've Been Through, It's This....

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A beautiful woman looks out over the beach, wondering why her boyfriend suddenly disappeared.
Sometimes it needs to get bad enough for us to see something needs to change.

It has to get worse before it gets better. I've always felt this, about everything.

We don't do anything different - until we're forced to. We don't change anything that needs to be changed - unless we have to change, even if it's just to maintain the status quo. We can't even see that anything needs to change until we're forced to see what it was so much easier NOT to see.

Until we can't pretend anymore. Until we can't just look away and pretend we don't see it.

I'm reminded of the time my best friend bought a plane ticket she couldn't afford, left her young kids with her husband, to fly clear across the country to try to convince me to see what she could see that I couldn't at the time.

She begged me to leave him, to come back with her, to see what I wasn't seeing, to believe her when she was telling me I was losing myself in him and settling for crumbs. It was breaking her heart to see me this way, and yet still, it didn't move me.

I told her she didn't know what she was talking about. That I was only telling her the awful things when it was bad but most of the rest of the time it was good, that she just wasn't hearing from me then.

She left without convincing me.

Continue Reading

How are we all doing?

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A woman in a white cotton dress is walking through tall grass.
There will be another side to all of this.

I've heard all about your disappointments this week. All those things just getting started, now put on hold. People you just met, relationships just begun, plans you just made, now thrown for a curve.

It's hard to feel hopeful when all you feel is an undercurrent of uncertainty.

I hear you. And I see you.

Can you tear yourself away from the rest of the world and the never-ending breaking news cycle for just a moment, and come with me to a different place?

This is temporary. No matter how heavy it feels.

As unpredicatable as it is. As scary as it can feel. As permanent as it seems only right now.

All those beautiful dreams and plans are only on a temporary pause, Beautiful.

There will be another side to all of this.Continue Reading

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