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How I Knew My Husband Was Marriage Material

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It turns out all of these superficial things don't matter one bit as far as love is concerned. A bride and groom walk hand-in-hand after their wedding.

In the early years of my dating life, I thought I knew exactly what I wanted, and I was absolutely sure I was going to get it: a charming, great looking, well-built guy who dressed well, made plenty of money and drove me around to nice places in a nice car. He'd have been a bit of a bad boy in his not-so-distant past, but once he met me, he would fall so hard that he wouldn't so much as cast a glance at anything else in a skirt, forever treating me like the queen he could see I was.

Intent on this vision, I summarily rejected any guy who didn't measure up, whether it be the way he dressed, the car he drove or any other number of superficial reasons. After all, I was going for the fairytale; I didn't want to waste any time.

It took me too many years and too many rocky, failed relationships to finally figure out the problem is that it is a fairytale. It turns out all of these superficial things don't matter one bit as far as love is concerned. Fortunately, I finally figured this out before my real Prince Charming pulled up in his ten-year-old Jeep Wrangler to take me out on our first date.

Just a few years earlier, the sight of his car would have caused me to spend the first half-hour desperately trying to think of ways to end the date early. But for the first time in my life, I saw things differently. Continue reading on YourTango...

It's Time to Let Go of the Fairytale

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 She always won her man, and he always pursued her regardless of what obstacles came up, and they always eventually married and lived happily ever after. A beautiful woman dressed as a princess is running toward the fairytale castle.You remember the story well. Yet another beautiful commoner captured the heart of the prince, and the two rode off into the sunset to live happily ever after. It didn't matter how many times you heard that story, how many different versions of it you read; the outcome was always the same. She always won her man, he always pursued her regardless of what obstacles came up, and they always eventually married and lived happily ever after. And so it is no wonder that now, when you are all grown up, that story is still playing in your mind, forming your belief of what falling in love and being in a relationship is all about.

Whether it's subconscious or not, that theme plays in our minds whenever we meet someone, whenever we're in a romantic relationship. It's no surprise we believe we can make someone love us, we can change the cold heart of even a beast, that we can move heaven and earth to show someone that we are the one for him.

And that's exactly what we try to do.

Over and over again we repeat this pattern from the time we have our first encounter with what we believe is love, until it becomes so ingrained in us, that we don't know how to do anything different. We think it's our role, our calling. We believe that all we have to do is be that beautiful, loving, perfect woman, and he will fall for us and we will live happily ever after, too.

Until our first encounter with reality.

When we find out that we've been told a story that doesn't translate into real life. It might make for a great tale, a must-see movie, or a captivating romance novel, but when it's our lives we're talking about, there's nothing happily-ever-after about it. The happy ending never came.

And so we learn.

But not before we repeat this pattern at least a few more times before we finally see where this fairytale thinking really takes us in real life, and realize there has to be more than what we're living, what we're experiencing in our own reality.

And so when we're finally ready to see love for what it really is and how it really happens, we start our journey. Our quest from a place we don't understand to a new place that we don't know anything about either. We just know we want the real thing.

We learn it's not about being perfect, not about pleasing anyone or being someone we're not. It's not about making someone love us or refusing to give up on someone even though they're telling us it's over or that they won't make a commitment in no uncertain terms.

It's about being real.

It's about two people who both want the same thing; two people who are both on the same page. Who want to get to know each other better to see where this might lead. It's about being compatible instead of contradictory. It's about sharing the same values and wanting the same things in life. It's about being realistic instead of hopeful. It's about being authentic and staying true to yourself and who you are even if it means that this might not end in the happily ever after you were so sure it was going to be. It's about accepting change. It's about accepting what is. It's about being open to someone not being your Prince Charming after all. It's about realizing there's no shame in admitting you might have been wrong on this one. It's about realizing you don’t answer to anyone except yourself.

It's also about being willing to say goodbye when one or both of you isn't on the same page, with the realization that there is so much more to life than this. It's about communicating openly and honestly with each other. It's about hearing each other, and knowing when to listen instead of talk. It's about really hearing what someone else is saying. It's about having disagreements but knowing you are, as a couple, strong enough to work through them. It's about not always feeling like being where you are, but knowing there's no place on earth you'd rather be except right there. It's about being able to accept what is even when it might not be exactly what you want it to be. It's about being picky about the right things. It's about two people, not just one or the other.

It's time to let go of the fairytale.

It's time to let go of the stories of princes and princesses, Cinderella, Snow White, Prince Charming, to name a few (not to mention those modern romantic comedies). All those stories you thought, on some level, were what true love was all about. They were just that - stories. Made up. Fictional. All those Disney movies, and now all the romantic comedies – it's time to see them for what they are. It's time to stop looking for your oh-too-fictional Prince Charming. Because he isn't real.

There's a real Mr. Right out there in the real world looking for a real relationship with a real woman who's exactly like you. The Mr. Right that treats you the way you deserve to be treated and wants the same things that you want, and believes in the same things that you believe in. He'll have his flaws the same way that you have your flaws, but he'll be perfect in the ways that really matter.

And when you find him, you might realize that he wasn't exactly what you expected. But if you keep your heart and your mind open, you will see that it turns out he's even better.

Having Trouble Getting Over a Break Up? Why It's Time to Finally Move On

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Woman upset, having trouble getting over a breakup
It's just holding you back.

You knew it would be hard getting over him, but you never realized just how hard this was going to be. Whether he ended it, or you, the reality is you didn't want it to end.

All you ever wanted was it to work out, but in the end, you realized it would take more than just you making that happen.

So here you are, trying to accept the reality of what is and move on, but that deep sadness and longing for what could have been lingers on, leaving you wondering if you'll ever get over him.

Getting over a recent (or worse, a not so recent) break up can be one of the most difficult things in life to do, and for good reason.

It makes sense – your life was intertwined with this person and you opened and shared your delicate heart with him, making yourself vulnerable to your worst fear – having that heart crushed and broken into a million little pieces.

And facing the reality of starting over, alone.

While it may feel like the only thing that you can bring yourself to do is continue to hold out hope that someday you'll wake up and find out that it was really just a bad dream, the reality is that the sooner you can bring yourself to move on, the better.

Continue Reading

Don't Give Yourself Away

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A beautiful woman being swept off her feet by good looking man
Make him prove himself to you first.

3 months? She laughed. I couldn't do that, Jane!

I was telling a single friend of mine about a client who waited a few months before becoming intimate with the guy she was dating because she wanted to make sure he wasn't just interested in sleeping with her, but actually wanted the same commitment she was looking for.

She believed she had a right to have sex, to be intimate, on her terms when she wanted it - not just something men get to do - and she wasn't going to give that up. She did have that right, but it came with a price, too.

Here's what this looks like in real life.

You're going to think you've finally found what you're looking for.

He's going to seem so different from the rest. He'll show you all the signs of being into you and you'll feel like all the work you've been doing on yourself is finally paying off. He's going to seem genuine.Continue Reading

5 Secrets to Staying Sane In a World of Couples

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Beautiful single woman is at a wedding celebrating with her friends who are all in relationships. 5 secrets to staying sane in a world of couples.Does it sometimes feel like everyone in the world is in a relationship except you? I've been there, and here are five secrets I learned along the way that will save your sanity!

I remember that feeling that would come over me when, as a single girl, I would get an invitation to a party or a wedding or another event where I knew there would be mostly couples in attendance.  As much as I would look on the positive side and think I might meet Mr. Right there (because that was always in the back of my  mind), the reality was my married friends would all have each other and I would once again feel like the fifth wheel I always seemed to be.

It always seemed to be little old single me amongst all the happy, smiling couples who seemed to have everything I was looking for. No matter how much I tried to feel ok by myself, that deep longing to be part of a couple never went away. Nor did the feeling that there was something wrong with me that made me wonder if I would ever figure out what it was I was supposed to do to be on the other side.  On that elusive couples side that always seemed to escape me.

No matter how much we may believe we are living in a different world today where it's more common than ever to be single or at least to marry much later in life, the reality is that it's almost impossible to forget that we are living in a couple's world.  From the numerous times you're asked if you're dating anyone, or why you're not married yet (or something else along those lines), to the special rates offered to couples everywhere from gyms to resorts to big box stores, the implied message is always the same – if you're not part of a couple, there's something wrong with you!

Or at least that was how I always felt.  For those of you who are able to ignore those messages and live your single lives to the fullest without feeling that way somewhere deep down inside, I admire you for being able to authentically be in that space amid such external pressure.  But for the rest of us, I've got a few things to share with you that I wish I had understood back when I was feeling so discontented being single when everyone else seemed to be with someone.

So what's a single gal to do in this couples world?  Plenty:

1.  Focus on YOU!

That's right – you. That beautiful person who looks back at you when you look in the mirror.  Take an inventory of everything you have in your life right now.  Look at the things you want to do, the places you want to visit, the experiences you want to have, and start making those things happen now; don't wait to start living until you've found someone to share your life with. Live your life like you've never lived it before.

2.  Remember that this is only temporary.

There are so many seasons in life.  This is only one of them.  Don't get so caught up in looking forward to the next seasons that you forget to enjoy the season that you're currently living in.  There will be positive and negative aspects to each period of your life; instead of looking at the future as being better than here, focus on what is great about right now.

3.  Give yourself a reality check about being part of a couple.

Spend some time with a married couple or a friend who's in a long term relationship to see the realities first hand for yourself.  Being a part of a couple is wonderful, but maintaining a healthy relationship is not without its challenges.  A reality check while being around them can give you a fresh perspective on some of the benefits of being single that you may not have realized in your quest to being part of a couple. This perspective can help to inspire you to enjoy your singlehood to the fullest.

4.  Ignore the cultural messages.

Remember that most of it is just programming and marketing, and the culture doesn't reflect what is going on in your life.  Hard to do, I know, but if you remind yourself of just how many single people there are out there, and especially how much money is made off of advertising that targets getting married, having a family and living happily ever after, it will help you see just how much of these cultural messages are actually part of big business, and not about your love life (or lack of one).

5.  Remember to breathe!

Go easy on yourself.  Stop being so hard on yourself.  Just because you've been where you've been and gone through your experiences doesn't mean you're set up to repeat the same patterns over and over again.  You can make changes; you can do things differently; you can stop repeating old patterns and you can (and will) attract someone different into your life as you begin to realize those baby steps towards changing those old patterns.

Remember, this is your time, your space, your season, your life.  Don't let someone else's idea of what it means to be happy take away from the joy of being you.

Radiant, beautiful, confident, currently single YOU!

Why Hasn't He Called?

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A beautiful woman is sitting On Couch At Home anxiously looking at her phone wondering why he hasn't responded.
I thought we hit it off - why hasn't he called me?

Of all the questions I'm asked, the most common one is about what to do when he hasn't called. There's something about that unfinished business, about being left hanging without an explanation that leaves even the most confident of us wondering what we did wrong, and whether or not we should try to contact him to elicit some kind of an answer.

We all share the same story line: You met a great guy, you really hit it off, maybe even went on a date or two, then nothing. No phone call, no explanation, just a silent phone. Every time the phone rings your heart rate shoots up as you grab for your phone, only to see that it's your friend or your Mom calling, as  your hearts sinks back into your stomach (sorry Mom!)

It's the same story.

The other part of the story that is always the same, is that we've convinced ourselves our situation is unique, unlike every other woman's experience with the guy who hasn't called. But the reality is that our story is exactly the same as all of the many, many women around the world, and through the ages, that have experienced the same thing. We just don't want to hear it or believe it.Continue Reading

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About Jane Garapick

Hi, I'm Jane Garapick. I'm here to provide inspiration, support and empowerment on the journey to true love. I know what it’s like to have a broken heart, a broken dream, and a broken you. And I know for a fact, that your dreams can still come true! Read more...
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