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You are here: Home / Archives for mixed signals from a guy

What To Do When He's Sending Mixed Signals

24 Comments

A man and a woman are having what seems to be a romantic formal dinner date but he's sending mixed signals because he says he just wants to be friends.Here's a great question from Elly about a guy that's sending her mixed signals. He takes her out on what seem to be formal dates, but then he says that he just wants to be friends.

Her story:

Dear Jane,

Quite recently, my male ex-colleague turned friend had asked me out to dinner. The thing is, though he's been separated from his wife of four years for almost a year or so now, my guard is still firmly up when it comes to him only because I may be attracted to him as more than a friend for now.

I was a bit surprised when he first asked me out to dinner about two months ago.

However, what confuses me the most is that, during one point in the dinner, he said that he wasn't looking for a relationship but rather he'd have a friendship with others any day. His reply threw me for a loop was because he'd just blurted that one out to me when I didn't even probe him about his intentions about getting back into a relationship with someone else in the future.

Further to that, he randomly told me that the dinner wasn't a date and I replied, "Yeah, I know and I hear you." If that's the case, why did he have to make dinner reservations, come pick up (via a cab, as he doesn't own a car) and even paid for my dinner which was about $200++ per pax that night, although I insisted on paying my half of the share but he strongly declined it. He even requested a hug from me before we went our separate ways, which was once again a bit weird for me, because the last time I met up with him for lunch, we just went our own ways after saying our goodbyes. So all these sudden "change" of his behavior towards me is sort of bewildering me.

I understand that chivalry isn't dead; but about a week ago, he text-ed me again asking if I could meet him up for dinner to, in his words, "catch up", and yet again with the whole "I-had-made-dinner-reservations-for-us-both-tonight". And when I told him that I got to take a rain check on suggested dinner due to prior commitments; he sounded quite upset and asked why is it that I keep blowing him out for dinner?

I am all for meeting up with friends, be it male or female, but as feelings (my feelings!) get in the way of things of late, I can't help but wonder why is this man sending me mixed signals? I mean, if you're looking for a void or some kind of distractions from your feelings as you grieve over the loss of your marriage, I am more than happy to lend you my listening ear as a friend, that is, over a cup of coffee --- and not dinner for two at some tres chic Spanish counter top table restaurant. It's just not "right", if you ask me!

At any rate, I've decided to put a distance between me and him, because if it was a genuine meet-up between a man and a woman, I honestly think it's a bit out of the norm to be going the whole nine yards (re: pick me up, dinner reservations, hug request) on this, don't you think?

Anyway, can you please advise me how I should put it across delicately to this man that I can't meet up with him any longer (due to my growing feelings for him, which he hasn't the faintest idea, by the way) if he was going to make every dinner meet-up in a way that appears to be like a 'date', when in reality it isn't? That said, how should I tell him politely that perhaps we shouldn't even meet up for quick luncheons, or dinner even, in the future as I don't wish to be perceived as his buddy nor his emotional placeholder?

I honestly hope you can answer my query because I need to move on from someone whom I know who can't match what I have got to offer. At the same time, when he so much as does something sweet to me, I caved and in turn, hope that one day he will be ready for a relationship. Even though I know that's hardly the truth, based on what I heard from the horse's mouth, that is, the man himself.

Thanks for your time and attention!

- Elly

My Response:

It’s great that you’re so in touch with your own feelings here, Elly, and it’s wise to have your guard up with someone who is only separated, and thus still married, to his former wife. Only when he’s officially divorced and not just on the rebound, would you want to consider engaging in more of a relationship with him.

What you’re describing here, is someone who's doing what works for him and what helps him through this.

That’s why you’re getting the mixed signals. It sounds like he doesn’t know himself what’s right and what’s not and what the "rules" are with this new scenario of dating he’s found himself in. He’s confused, too.

So what he’s doing is what comes naturally to him and what makes the most sense to him right now.  It works best for him and so you’re seeing him act and behave in this way, even if it doesn’t make sense to you.  Recently separated, he’s not ready for another relationship and he knows this, which is why he’s acting the way he is with you.

He’s enjoying being out with a woman friend that he’s comfortable with - you - and so he obviously doesn’t mind spending the money or making it look and feel like a formal date because it feels good to him.

What you’re seeing from him, is probably exactly what you would expect from him if he could sit down and put in words exactly what you’re looking for him to clarify. He’s “looking for … some kind of distractions from [his] feelings as [he] grieves over the loss of [his]marriage.”

If you take out the “right” or “wrong” way that he’s going about this, and instead look at what you need to do for you – what is the most loving thing you can do for yourself – you can take back your own power here and find what you need in this. What’s right for you will be different from someone else. What gives you a sense of peace about this and leaves you with the least amount of regrets is also highly subjective and all about you.

You have two choices.

As I talked about in my recent post on the whole point of dating, you can simply choose to look at your time with him as simply two friends enjoying each other's company. You can take out any and all “shoulds” and allow the two of you to simply be who and what you are, right where you are now and allow things to unfold naturally in the process of getting to know each other more over time.

You can choose to just be friends with him - just make sure that it's authentic. This isn't about playing games, or hoping to win him over or hoping he'll change his mind. This is only about you accepting what he's told you as fact, and choosing to build a friendship with him.

But if you can’t allow yourself to do that (for example, if your attraction to him is simply too strong and you find that you're spending all of your time pining for him), then you can always tell him to call you when he’s ready for something more than friendship because you’re finding his actions confusing and you’re on two different pages.

You can simply state what it is you’re looking for and what page you’re on. Make it about you, and not him. There’s nothing harsh, or wrong with that; it’s simply the reality of where you are and what you can live with what you can’t.

Don’t feel guilty, don’t take on what isn’t yours to take on. If he’s not comfortable with this or expects something different from you in return, he’ll let you know. You're not leading him on.  You’re either enjoying the moment with him for what it is to you, or you’re letting him go.

But you’re always the one in control.

Love,

Jane

What do you think? Do you have any other thoughts or advice for our dear friend Elly? Tell us in the comments!

Getting Mixed Signals From a Guy

29 Comments

A beautiful woman is looking at her phone wondering why she is getting mixed signals from a guy.Our beautiful reader, Kayla, is getting mixed signals from a guy, which has her wondering about his true intentions. Here's her story:

Hi Jane! I have a question. And it's kind of a long story so please bare with me haha.

I'm desperate for some advice. I met this guy about 7 months ago and we seemed to hit it off very well. He was (and still is) a perfect gentleman, and he always treated me great.

I'm 20 years old, and he is 25 years old so there is a few years difference between us.

After about 2-3 months, he came across a new job opportunity that was mostly long distance (but he would be home on the weekends). Things seemed to be OK because he still kept in contact with me and told me "he missed me" and "I wish you were here", etc.

After about a 2 weeks, an even better job opportunity came along and he decided to take it. This however would require him to move away.

Now that being said, he never defined us as being in a relationship. He said we were "friends who liked each other and were 'talking'". But he would tell me on multiple occasions that he cared for me and he would never let me pay for anything when he took me out to dinner or a movie.

When he told me about this job, I'll be honest, I was upset. For the first time I really felt like someone cared for me and now he was going away. So after he took this job decision, he left for the orientation. I didn't hear hardly anything from him for about 2 weeks. (Previously we would talk to each other for hours at a time daily.)

This was very difficult for me to accept because I felt like he hated me. After a while, he finally contacted me back. Long story short, he told me that "we should just be friends". And also, he told me that he could never come back to our church again because, as he quoted: "When I end things with a girl I can't talk to them. I can't be around them, or have any contact with them."

So he said he was going to find a different church to go to. I accepted this with heart break. Now I am a Christian and I battled with this for a while. I would send him a text every now and then telling him I was praying for him with a Bible verse attached (with no expected response).

He would sometimes respond to a text every now and then but with only a little conversation. I didn't text him for about 2 weeks. I had finally accepted the fact that if he wasn't the guy for me, then God would make it to where there would be no more communication from him.

His birthday rolled around and I felt obligated to at least tell him "happy birthday" since he spent $100 on me for my birthday. Surprisingly, he responded to the text with a "thank you!".

I didn't contact him for an entire week.

The next Friday, I was about to clock in at work when I noticed a text on my phone. I quickly looked and saw that it was him. My stomach started doing flips.

He said he was coming by the store to get some things. He came through my line at the register and we made small talk for a minute and then he left. So I thought that was the end of the conversation. About 10 minutes later I looked at my phone and saw where he texted me again. He sent me a smiley face.

So I was a bit confused by this action. What did he mean?

Well I didn't text him until a week later. He kept the conversation going and we talked that Friday and Saturday. Now I would always send him nothing but encouraging texts and tell him that I'm always here for him.

That Saturday he asked me "Why are you so nice to me?" I told him that I would never want to treat someone rudely or bad. He then responded with a sad face, but wouldn't tell me why he was so sad.

To my surprise, the next day, he showed up at church. He told me that he is striving to work on his relationship with God and he wants to study some devotions with me. He actually stated that he needed my help. And ever since then, he calls me every day, or texts me every day. And lately he's been calling me multiple times a day.

He will say things like "I hope I find someone before I go bald because no one will want me then" or how he wants a family some day and a house of his own. And when I went for a job interview, he called me to ask how things went.

He took me out to dinner recently and REFUSED to let me pay, He actually told me multiple times that I was not going to pay.

His dad has told me many times that his family didn't like the girls he previously "dated" and that he really wants me to marry his son.

Now all that being said, why would he be calling me multiple times a day, every day, if he didn't want to have anything to do with me anymore?

Why would he want to take me out to dinner and not let me pay?

Why does he still call me pet names like "Sweetie", and "Hun"?

I know he was in a serious relationship years ago and he had his heart broken really bad, but that was about 8 years ago (when he was in high school). What does this all mean? I'm just really confused.  Thank you in advance for all your help.

Sincerely,

Kayla

My response

I’m not surprised you’re confused, Kayla; this guy is giving you some very mixed signals! It sounds like he’s confused himself and while he likes your company and enjoys being with you, he’s being very clear by his comments like "I hope I find someone before I go bald because no one will want me then" that he is keeping his options open and doesn't want you to assume he wants to be with you.

It doesn't mean a whole lot when he takes you out and doesn't let you pay; that’s more for him and his ego than for you, so try not to read too much into any of these little things. There are enough of his mixed signals around for you to protect your own beautiful heart instead of reading more into these little things than is actually there.

This sounds like someone who likes the way he feels when he’s around you, but it doesn't sound like someone who’s ready to be with you and can give you what you’re looking for right now.

My concern is that you’re holding onto so many of these things that are coloring your interpretation of where he’s at and what he’s thinking, rather than looking at the reality of what he’s telling you and believing him.

If you can simply enjoy what you have with him while keeping your own options open and not giving away your own power by putting him on a pedestal, that’s one thing. But if you can’t honestly do that without wanting more than he does, you’re only setting yourself up for disappointment if he’s not on the same page as you.

My best advice, Kayla, is to resist the need to find out why he’s behaving the way he is and simply take it one day at a time. There are too many mixed signals to believe that he knows what he wants for himself. He needs to sort out his own issues for himself without you rescuing him or loving him enough to help him figure himself out. This is his own work apart from you.

So often we forget this, or we want to jump to the stage where we’re part of a couple taking care of each other, but until you know for sure you’re both on the same page and want the same thing with each other, don’t go there. He’s an adult. He doesn't need you to take care of him while he’s still trying to figure this all out.

You, on the other hand, have your whole life ahead of you! This is not the time to get hung up on what someone else does or doesn't do, but instead, focus on you! Put your time and energy into creating a beautiful life for yourself instead of worrying about what someone else does or doesn't do.

Follow your own dreams, get involved with the things you’re passionate about and find those things that stir your soul. Fill your own cup so full of life and love from so many places that what he – or any other guy – does or doesn't do, doesn't matter as much as what you do. Because if someone is truly right for you – meaning the two of you are on the same page and want the same thing and are both willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen – you’ll never have to wonder; you’ll always know! It's never complicated.

Make a life for yourself just like he’s doing, and you won’t ever be tempted to put someone on a pedestal because you think they have so much more to offer you than you already have. You’re the prize, Kayla; make sure he’s worthy of you!

And always remember, YOU are doing the choosing!

Do you have any more advice or words of encouragement for our dear friend Kayla? Share them with us in the comments!

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About Jane Garapick

Hi, I'm Jane Garapick. I'm here to provide inspiration, support and empowerment on the journey to true love. I know what it’s like to have a broken heart, a broken dream, and a broken you. And I know for a fact, that your dreams can still come true! Read more...
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