Finding your YOU that leads to TWO
You've always known.
What everyone says don't worry about. What everyone tries to shame you about. What everyone calls you crazy for.
It's actually the opposite, isn't it?
You're the one who's always known what's really going on.
You knew before he left.
You knew before he cheated.
You knew before he checked out.
You knew.Continue Reading
Looking back on my single days, there are so many things I would have done differently if I knew then what I know now. So many of these things we learn only from experience; from learning about life and love the hard way.
But the reality is, when we’re in it, when we’re dating, when we think we’ve found someone who might be the one, when we’re feeling that incredible chemistry, when we’re so lonely we don’t know if we can be alone another minute, when he finally notices us and asks us out, when we feel like we can’t breathe if we don’t hear from him, when we’re so scared to lose him, when we feel like without him we have nothing, when we’re sure he must be lying dead in the gutter somewhere because that's the only reason he would've disappeared like that, we can’t see that we’re about to make a huge mistake.
When we’re in over our heads emotionally and can’t think clearly we’re not able to be objective about what we’re doing. And that’s why we do all of those crazy, unloving, disrespectful things we do to ourselves in the name of love (or at least, what we believe love to be). And while I'm a firm believer that our mistakes are actually rich learning experiences if we allow them to be and we choose to learn from them, there’s no denying that there are things we’d rather do differently if we had them to do all over again. Because I had no idea how much heartbreak and misery I could have saved myself if someone had only told me what huge mistakes I was making by doing some of the these things, I'm going to tell you about the huge mistakes you are making (and we all make).
So here’s my list for you of what I consider to be the top five biggest dating mistakes.
I didn’t figure this one out until years later. At the time, I would have thought that dating more than one person at the same time was just downright slutty. But I’m talking about dating here, not sleeping with anyone. Just dating more than one person at the same time. Because the thing is that if you’re not dating exclusively, if the guy you’d really like to be exclusive with knows that he’s in the running but there’s others that you’re still considering too, that puts him in the best position possible – one where he has to prove to you that he’s worth going exclusive for. And that also keeps you in a place of high self-esteem and confidence knowing that if he really has that much potential you’ll know before giving too much of your self to someone too early, before you really know them well enough to make that kind of commitment.
Believe me, he will not be turned off by you dating more men than just him. What he will be is competitive enough to know that he wants to show you why you should drop the others and become exclusive to him. A decision that you’ll be much more in a position to make if you’ve got a couple of others you’re dating along with him, even if he’s really the only one you’re truly interested in.
And no, you’re not using the others, because you never know when the guy you’re not all that into throws you for a loop and surprises you with all he has to offer you. After dating several guys for a while you might just find that the guy you originally thought was number two or three surprises you and takes on the number one position.
There are so many different views on when it’s ok and not ok to be intimate with someone. While we all know the thrill of that intense chemistry when you feel like you just can’t stop yourself from going there with him, the reality is that this kind of chemistry tends to fizzle out all too soon leaving in its wake your broken heart and regret that you got intimately involved far too soon.
I have found that the best rule to follow here is not the amazing chemistry barometer when you’re in the heat of the moment (which is not going to be very objective) but instead the rule of waiting until you have a firm commitment from him and you’re both exclusively committed to each other. Another good rule is that if you’re not comfortable talking about birth control and STD protection with him, you’re definitely not ready to be giving yourself to someone on the kind of sexual level we’re talking about here. As uncomfortable as those conversations can be, they are necessary conversations to have with someone you’re about to become intimate with.
Ultimately, if you’re not sure, or have any doubt that it might be too soon, trust your gut. It is.
This is one I always agonized over. When someone I had been dating suddenly wasn’t calling as often or as regularly as he had been, instead of talking to him directly about it, or deciding to back off myself and start living my life more so that I wasn’t sitting around waiting for him to call, I would get scared and call him. I’d typically come up with some excuse and then call him with something I thought seemed important (which, in hindsight, I’m sure he saw right through).
I’m also sure that I could have saved myself so much heartbreak from dragging the relationship on this way rather than either confronting him with the change, or just accepting that something had changed in the relationship for him and moving on with my own life. The reality is if he's interested, and this applies to whatever stage of the relationship you’re in, he’ll find a way to contact you and won’t leave you wondering where you stand.
And the truth is, where you absolutely do stand is beautifully in your own place, with or without him!
Hear me loud and clear here - He needs to prove he’s worthy and deserving of your love. If he wasn't pursuing me, if he could take me or leave me, that meant that he was more confident, more secure, more everything than I was. And to me, that translated into he was a real catch, he was someone worth proving myself to that I was worthy of his love.
It didn’t matter if I barely knew him, if I knew very little about his character, his values, his integrity, or even him. I would automatically assume he was so much more than me and I was thrilled that he was paying so much attention to me. What I finally figured out was that this really was about me. And my own lack of self-esteem and confidence that came from deep inside me.
Make sure that you are looking for an equal, a partner in a relationship, not a father figure or role model.
When I think about all the times I skirted around the issues that would come up, the number of occasions where I remained silent, waiting, watching, hoping and waiting some more to see what he was thinking, where this was all going, wondering whether he would choose me for keeps in the end, I can clearly see now just how much I contributed to my own relationship failures. Instead of wasting weeks and months and even years of energy, time and oh so many tears, I could have found out the answers to my unspoken questions that eventually would come out in the end, right away.
If I had been direct from the outset about what I was looking for, about what he was looking for and about just how much our plans and dreams had in common, I would have known these answers in time to save my heart from the heartbreak that comes from waiting too long, from getting too attached to the wrong person in the name of a dream, and from forgetting that I had just as much say in the relationship and where it was going as he did.
While I was concerned about being too forward, what I had missed was that I could be assertive without being aggressive, if I had only realized that being assertive is much more attractive than being so passive. If I had only realized just how much healthier a relationship is when two people are both able to communicate directly, I would have understood one of the true tenets of the type of relationship I longed for, yet had no idea of how to get there.
Just like we are so hard on ourselves, many of us (myself included) find it all too easy to look back at the past with so many regrets at what we could have done differently in a given situation.
While we can always learn from our past experiences and determine to do something differently the next time, the harm comes in getting so caught up in that past, beating ourselves up in the process, that we forget that tomorrow truly is a new day. A day to do things differently. A day to celebrate ourselves and all that we are, including our imperfections and shortcomings.
These things make us human, they make us real, and one day they will even endear us to that special someone who will truly love us unconditionally.
I still remember the night when my single girlfriend and I were at a local restaurant after a social event, and we saw two guys who had also been at that event. We both found them attractive and thought they looked interesting, and we went back and forth wondering how we might break the ice and meet them. They both seemed to be in a deep conversation with each other, although they seemed to look over in our direction a few times, enough for us to think they might be interested in meeting us, too.
We noticed that there were no rings on their fingers and they certainly seemed open and friendly enough in their body language, but they never took that step to come over and talk to us, despite our clearly inviting signals and body language.
It was soon time for us to leave, so we walked past them on our way out, smiled one more time and said hello. They both smiled and said "hi", but nothing more.
On our way home we wondered if we should have said or done anything more to open up a conversation, or even gone as far as walking up to them and striking up a conversation ourselves, instead of hoping for them to make a move. We stayed stuck in that depressing world of "what if" and the "what could have been", each in our own individual way, for far too long.
Finally we both realized that it simply didn't really matter. We decided to leave the world of "what if" and come back to the world of "what is". We realized that if it was meant to be, if either one of these guys were meant to be with us, we would meet again.
And more importantly, we realized the hard, cold truth of the matter: If either one of them had been interested in either one of us, they could have (and most likely would have) initiated a conversation with us. It wasn't all about us.
The point is, thinking about the past, focusing on what we could have or should have done differently, doesn't get us anywhere. Learning from that past, building on our previous experiences with new knowledge and new levels of comfort does.
Beating ourselves up over things we cannot change about the past, dwelling on what we wish we had done differently doesn't.
So look at the past, and all of those things you might have wanted to do differently, as learning points. If you feel, based on your past experiences, that you need to do something different, then do it. If you're not sure, then listen deeply to your heart and not all the shoulds or other people, and you'll find you have that answer deep down inside.
It's all a journey. We learn. We experience.
We find ourselves in situations where we wish we had done something different. And we learn again. We resolve to do things differently and then we learn the important life lessons that bring us through to the next season of our lives. And we fall back into old patterns from time to time. It's that three steps forward, two steps back type of learning that we find so frustrating, yet is so necessary to finding our way on our own time, at our own pace, at a timing that is unique to us and no one else.
And always allow yourself the gift of a fresh start.
We’re in the middle of moving across the country. And it’s a whole different kind of move when you’re moving a family, two dogs, a lizard, and fish. There are more people and things to consider, with the heart of it being that I have the responsibility of making it as easy a transition as possible.
It’s very different from the moves I used to make as a single girl, in what seems like a short lifetime ago, where my only concern was finding the coolest place to live in with the highest population of single men possible.
Back in those single days, when a married friend of mine would be moving with her family, I was usually full of sadness. Not just because they were leaving me, but also because it was yet another reminder that I was alone, with no family giving me a reason to move.
I was the only person that I moved for, and I didn’t understand anything about that being enough way back then. It just sounded all too lonely when I compared my own life to the ones of my married girlfriends that I wanted so badly.
And so it is that I find myself going back in time and reminiscing about those moves I did back in my single days, when it was only me without much of a care in the world besides when I would finally find Mr. Right and when I thought of each move as an exciting adventure of discovery.
I remember one of my biggest moves was when I took a job transfer to another part of the country. It was so exciting. A chance to meet new people, maybe even the one, was the way I thought of it back then. A new adventure. Oh, it was an adventure all right, and I met someone who I sure thought was the one, only to come face to face with the reality of just how badly a heart can be broken when you let someone in too soon and stay far too long for your heart and soul’s own good.
Then there was the move back home, but to a new home, to a place where I would start my journey of discovery of myself, after finally landing back on my feet after more tears had been shed over another him than could fill the entire ocean. Beginning again, finding my way, making a life for myself as an individual when all my hopes and dreams for my life had been caught up in a him who could never have lived up to my misguided expectations.
And finally, there was the move when I packed up all my belongings in the back of my little Honda Civic and headed off to the land of sunshine in Southern California, full of anticipation that this was finally going to be my time, my adventure, my time to finally find myself … and him. And that was exactly where I did find him, but not before I had finally found myself for the first time in my life, in a way that I had never understood was necessary before.
But this isn’t just about me. It’s about what I learned along the way. It’s about what I understand now about how it all fits together in a way that can only be understood with the gift of hindsight and having been there before in every sense of the word. It’s what I wish I had understood and known way back at the beginning of it all.
And how each and every season of life has a purpose and a meaning and a reason. Even the ones we don’t want to be in or wish would end before they even begin. Especially the ones where we can’t figure out the why of them. Especially those where we just want to be on to the next one. Each season is necessary on some level to take you through to the next one, even if it doesn’t make sense at the time. The point is, when you look back, you’ll understand, you’ll see, you’ll see why. There’s a reason. But so often we fight the reality of the season that we’re in, questioning the wisdom of anyone who dare suggest it’s part of our story. We don’t want that part of our story, much less to acknowledge that it might be a necessary one.
It’s a simple message, but embracing it is anything but simple: Don’t get so caught up in the next season of life that you forget to enjoy the one you’re currently in.
Each season has its upsides and downsides. So often when we’re in it, wishing we were anywhere but where we are right now, we don’t see any of the good in it. We don’t see the wonderful things about it. But it’s all there. In this single season of your life, there’s the freedoms, that lack of responsibility, the ability to do anything without taking into consideration the rest of a family or other people (or animals) involved. The abundance of time you can spend focusing solely on yourself without having anyone else to pull you away from discovering and embracing the you that you truly are inside.
I get that it’s all too lonely too much of the time. I get that it’s hard to enjoy the now when you’re scared there never will be a next. All those fears that surface that keep us looking forward to that next season, the one where we will finally no longer be alone, that we can’t even enjoy all the benefits of the now.
But stop right there. Don’t look ahead anymore. It’s your time right now. Right here, right now. It’s time to embrace it even with the fear, the unknown, and with all its uncertainties. To enjoy, to embrace, to live life to its fullest right now. The rest will all happen in due time. Just as it is meant to be.
But for now, this season is yours, too. Don’t wait until you’re looking back to enjoy where you’re at right now. This is the season of your life known as YOU!
I would know that scarcity is a lie that we’re brought up with, but it’s not true. There’s always enough of everything if we believe it – even if we’re talking about men.
I remember that feeling.
It was a Saturday night and I knew the numbers all too well. There were more single women than men out there and I’d better get going if I was going to find one before someone else found him first!
And so was my life.
Feeling like every day I was getting older, feeling like everyone else around me had found their Mr. Right by now - except me. Feeling like I was going to be denied the chance to get married and have my own family because of something I had or hadn’t done or because of some kind of punishment for not being as perfect as I believed I should be. Continue Reading
I would know that it’s about being real, honest, and authentic; without the games, the acting, the manipulating and the pretending.
I've officially read enough books and articles about the search for Mr. Right to understand why we’re all confused.
Really confused.
And not connecting. And scared. And trying. And still not connecting.
And essentially not coming any closer to finding Mr. Right than we were before we started having access to all the secrets out there to finding him.Continue Reading
Recent Comments