Getting to TRUE Love

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Dying Inside

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I love him still so much and I'm so depressed and I don't know what to do. Please for the sake of God help me, I am dying inside. A beautiful middle-aged woman is crying with her face in her hand.Friends, we have one of our beautiful sisters who is literally begging for our help! You can read her question below (edited for readability), along with my personal response, but she is also asking for advice from our community. Please help her by giving her any advice that you can offer in the comments.

Her Letter…

I beg you all to help me. I have been in a relationship for 8 months with a married man who was supposed to be in divorce proceedings. He had a big problem, a sickness, in lying to me all the time. I moved in with him, as he's no longer living with his wife and child, then I discovered from his wife after calling her (I was suspicious so I got her contact info) that she is the one who wants the divorce and until now he didn't. We suspect he didn't want to pay her money rights which is quite a big figure and he can't afford it now. I discovered that he used to call her and go to their home for the sake of his kid no more, but when I asked him he said that he never calls or goes over there, and he just sees his kid at the club!! I confronted him after finding out the truth from her, he didn't utter a word and started saying that it was just for the sake of the kid and that he never planned to return to her at all. I took my stuff and left him and I pray to god never to bless him, I love him still so much and I'm so depressed and I don't know what to do. Please for the sake of God help me, I am dying.

Signed, Strawberry

My response…

Know that you made the right decision, Strawberry, and be so proud of yourself for standing up so strongly for yourself and what you deserve, even though you feel like you are dying inside right now. You deserve so much more than what this married man was giving you, and it's only in standing up for yourself and refusing to settle for this type of treatment of your beautiful self, that you will find the love that you truly deserve.

This is the hardest part; right when you make this decision to leave him. But you will get through this, you truly will, even if it seems so hard and sad right now. Focus on you, Strawberry, and the beautiful woman you truly are, with so much to offer someone who proves himself deserving of you. Someone who is available to you now, not in a loosely promised distant future. Someone who is honest with you that you can truly trust with your tender heart.

Take this time to do those things you never knew you could do, stretch yourself, take advantage of new opportunities and try some new activities that give you an opportunity to meet new people, both male and female, and do new things. Give yourself a fresh new look, update your wardrobe, or do whatever else that gives you a fresh outlook on life, and the confidence that you can do anything. There is so much more in store for you.

Surround yourself with support, from people who truly care for you, and that support your decision, and know that you also have my support and the support of everyone here. This will get easier, over time, so be gentle with yourself. We all make mistakes, we all learn, and we all get to the other side only from learning some things the hard way. You are so not alone, Strawberry, even if it feels so lonely right now.

Love,

Jane

What do you think? Do you have any words of advice or encouragement for Strawberry? Please share them with her in the comments!

The Turning Point

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There comes a time in all relationships that is a turning point, a time when you realized that you have to make a change. The road sign says turning point just ahead.There comes a time in everyone's life when something happens that causes you to re-evaluate the path you're on. A crisis of sorts, to set a change in motion to lead you to a different path, to get you to stop and take notice of what is and isn't working.

This turning point will look different for everyone, but the point is to make whatever has happened in your life worth it, worth the pain that you went through. Don't let the experience that brought you here today be wasted. Use it as a springboard for the change that you know you need.

Make today your turning point.

Instead of looking at what you did wrong, or what you could have, should have done differently; why he left you, or why he isn't ready to commit to you, instead resolve to dig down deep below the surface to the root of your questions. You don't have any control over him and the choices he made or may still be making, but you do have control over your own choices and the decisions you're now making. Instead of looking at why he isn't willing to commit, or why he ended the relationship, or why he hasn't called, or what's going on with him, make this about you.

You're the only one you can change here.

Begin by asking yourself these tough questions: How have I attracted such a guy? What was it about myself that I needed to dig deeper down to figure out why I have needs for guys like this? What am I really looking for and why?

Be patient with yourself if you don't have the answers. Most of us don't at first, and may never have them without the help of a trusted third party or a professional. Figuring out the answers to our deepest questions by being open and honest with ourselves is very necessary, but never easy work. But it's in the digging deeper and looking honestly within ourselves for the answers that we learn who we really are.

It can be a slow journey, the old three steps forward, two steps back, filled with lots of tears, lots of lonely times, and lots of wondering if we'll ever figure this all out. But somewhere in the midst of this type of soul-searching we begin to discover who we really are, not someone that everyone wants us to be, but our true, authentic selves. And in the process, we learn to love ourselves for the first time in our lives. We start accepting ourselves and what is instead of trying to be something other than ourselves and what we think should be.

Even if right now all you feel is pain, despair and loneliness, it's exactly this turning point that starts you on a different path, in a different direction, with the hope of all things new, different, better. They're all just waiting for you, right around the corner.

All you have to do is make that turn.

Have you experienced a turning point in your life? Tell us about it in the comments!

3 Ways to Know He's a Keeper

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A beautiful woman holding up three fingers indicating 3 signs he's a keeper.
These 3 things better be at the top of your "must have" list.

All too often we overlook the three most important essentials of a real relationship.

Looking back, these seem so obvious to me, but it wasn’t so clear back when I was dating.

Of all the qualities I was looking for in a guy, of all my “must haves” on my quest for finding my own Mr. Right, I didn’t pay nearly enough attention to the three things that I now realize are what actually really matter.

We all have our own lists of “must haves”, but these three should be at the top of everyone’s list.Continue Reading

Dress Rehearsal

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A man and a woman peek out from behind a curtain on a stage.
Treat this time like it's a dress rehearsal for the real thing.

I remember how sad I was when I first heard the news from my best friend. She told me she was getting divorced.

You might remember her – she was my married friend who I, single and so very alone, would often spend Christmas with, wishing I had her perfect life.

Her life so complete, with the husband, kids, house and family dog, doing all of the things happy families do. The kinds of things that I could only dream about back then.

Well, as happy and perfect as they seemed back then, in the end she and her husband got divorced. It came as such a shock to me; my friend with the perfect life that’s no longer perfect. Continue Reading

Part II: If I knew then what I know now...

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Close up of man and woman holding hands in the sunset.
Don't over complicate things.

...I wouldn’t think that finding him (and keeping him) was about using some magic formula, or playing games or uncovering some secret.

I would know that it’s about being real, honest, and authentic; without the games, the acting, the manipulating and the pretending. 

I've officially read enough books and articles about the search for Mr. Right to understand why we’re all confused.

Really confused.

And not connecting. And scared. And trying. And still not connecting.

And essentially not coming any closer to finding Mr. Right than we were before we started having access to all the secrets out there to finding him.Continue Reading

The Things We Do For Love

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A woman skiing out of control down a steep slope.
This is how I wound up on a roof...

Why we do them, no one knows. But if we think it’s love, we’ll try it.

Because they’re into skiing and we want to do things with them and we just know it’ll be easy to pick it up.

No, no, no! Do not do this.

I learned this one the hard way. And ended up on the roof. Of a shed. On the slopes.

It was supposed to be skiing on the trails, and not scary. But, in my enthusiasm for my new beau, I neglected to mention that I had never skied before, and in fact, found the whole thing a little scary.

But I, the ever idealistic pleaser, was sure it would work itself out.

Right.

So there we were. Of course I looked the part in my expensive sexy snow bunny suit, so I figured that would make it all work out. I’d look so good it wouldn’t matter that I didn’t really ski (at least not well).Continue Reading

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