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Dating a Married Man

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Close up of womans hand using mobile phone on a bokeh background, symbolizing that her boyfriend doesn't text her.
He still texts me every day.

There are many things I could say about becoming involved with married men, mainly to say don't.

If you want a prescription for heartache (not to mention the moral and ethical guilt that comes along with it), that's a sure one with someone who's involved with someone else, let alone married to them.

But regardless of these moral and ethical issues, the fact remains that I hear from many women who, for various reasons, become involved with men who are married. I'm responding to one of these letters today and hopefully my response with help those of you who are asking the same thing she's asking here, too.

Her story:

Hi Jane,

I was desperately unhappy (have recently become divorced) in my marriage when I surprisingly connected on Social Media with a man I knew many, many years ago.  We were at the same school, but I really didn’t know him well then.

He lives in another county, so we hadn’t even crossed paths apart from innocently liking each other’s photos etc.Continue Reading

How To Spot A Player - Every. Single. Time.

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Happy young man and woman in a car enjoying a road trip on a summer day. Couple out on a drive in a open car.
He gives you the impression he could choose any woman in the world…but he’s chosen you.

I used to be so good at this. So good, that I could spot him a mile away.

That look. That walk. That talk. That other part.

Unfortunately, I was also especially good at running towards him, instead of in the opposite direction.

The fastest way to crossing paths with Mr. Right is recognizing Mr. Wrong and getting yourself out of there, pronto. As in - as soon as you can tell the difference. We waste so much time and energy trying to make someone into Mr. Right, that just knowing what you're looking for – and what you're NOT looking for - can make all the difference.

How will you know? It’s not him. It’s you.

You won’t be able to resist him. You won’t want to slow it down. You won’t be able to help yourself.

He’s charming. He’s irresistible. He comes on strong. He’s got an unmistakable confidence to him with just a hint of vulnerability that only you can see sprinkled in. He gives you the impression he could choose any woman in the world … but he’s chosen you.

Sound familiar?Continue Reading

The Difference Between Your Fantasy and His Reality

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A magical book is open on the table signifying an epic love story that we all want.
We all want the epic love story, but is it real?

We love a good story. Especially a good love story.

We want a love that conquers all. And a dream that, against all odds, still comes true.

We want the sparks. The fireworks.

We want an underdog to triumph. And what we perceive as good versus evil to win.

And more than anything else, we want the happy ending.

We’re not just talking about a story. We’re talking about our story.

Our lives. Continue Reading

Help! My Biological Clock is Ticking Away!

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A woman who is concerned that her biological clock is ticking away and she hasn't yet found her Mr. Right is holding a biological clock near her belly.Here's a letter from one of our beautiful readers, Mady, who is concerned that her biological clock is ticking away and she hasn't yet found her Mr. Right. 

Dear Jane,

First of all, thank you for writing such encouraging thoughts on your very positive website. You’re helping a lot of people, something I strive to do as well – sooner than later, I hope. Thank you, really 🙂

I’ve been reading almost all your posts. There’s one topic I haven’t found though, and which is keeping me thinking and contemplating since at least a year now: What about those beautiful women who are still on their own, in their thirties, and who would very much like to have children?

There’s been some very important and loving men in my life. Yet, these last few years, with all the reading, building on my confidence and convincing myself that real, lasting love will one day cross my path, I feel that one of my biggest dreams would be to have children. Of course, I’m almost 32, my clock is ticking, and even if I meet someone special next year, getting pregnant can still take years of “trying”. So I’m thinking about other“solutions”. I reckon this might sound a bit irrational. I just feel the need to reassure myself by knowing that there’s an alternative, which doesn’t require waiting for/depending on the arrival of that special man.Continue Reading

Is Your Relationship Moving Too Fast?

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Why did he pursue me like that if he didn’t really want to be with me? A man is romancing his woman with lavish gifts and flowers.
While flowers and romance can be wonderful, too much too soon is a red flag.

One of our readers wrote to me last week saying "I have a friend who recently met a man who is going absolutely overboard with professing his love (after 2 dates) and giving her gifts. She's, of course, eating it up while all I see are red flags."

This is one of the questions I’m typically asked after it’s all over (which is usually fairly quickly), but not when it’s still going on. The question is commonly phrased something along the lines of "Why did he come on so strong if he wasn't interested in a committed relationship with me? Why did he pursue me like that if he didn't really want to be with me?" But in this particular case the woman in question has a beautiful friend who is looking out for her, and is concerned about the situation while it's occurring.

I have to say that I agree with her concerns. While I'm sure there are some exceptions to the rule, the whirlwind love-at-first-site romance that turns into a lifelong love affair is, unfortunately, very rare. It's much more common that the intense burning flame quickly turns into a flame-out.

I've lived through it myself many times, and I've heard too many similar stories to count. How is it that he can treat us like such a princess, going almost overboard with flowers and gifts and romantic gestures, and then just disappear from our lives as soon as we’re completely smitten and ready to say I do?

There is a reason.

It’s because this is what he does best! This is what he’s all about. It’s the chase, the conquest, the prize – this is what it’s all about to him until he knows he's got you and suddenly he realizes on some level that this has become all too real and now it’s his turn to deliver on his promises and make a commitment. It’s at that point that everything starts changing. For reasons that have everything to do with him, and nothing to do with you, this is the MO of the guy who we have the hardest time understanding.

Because it doesn't make any sense. At least not to us.

You see, my beautiful friend, this guy knows all the moves, all the right things to say and do because he’s practiced this more than a few times. He may say he wants a relationship and a commitment, he may see he’s just never met the right woman before, he may say he wants exactly what you want, but the reality is, he hasn't figured out what he needs to do to make this happen, and his own insecurities give him no motivation to do anything different. He hasn't looked into what holds him back, what makes him not want to commit, what makes him fail to get past the incredible beginning of a new and exciting conquest. And he doesn't have to because we keep making it so easy for him to continue behaving like this with us!

It may help to know that your friend is not the only one who’s fallen for this type of man. Most of us loving, giving, caring, believing women have experienced him at one time or another. This type of surface relationship catches most of us off guard because it seems – he seems – too good to be true, but at the same time it feels so true. And we so want to believe it, believe in the fairytale.

And that should be our red flag.

Because the reality is, he doesn't even know who you are yet! He doesn't even know (yet) that you’re worth all this time and energy and expense this early in the relationship. And he certainly doesn't know if he's in love with you yet.

And just like you don’t even know him yet, or know if he’s worth giving any part of yourself too, yet, you need some time to spend getting to know him and who he really is, not getting caught up in all the surface things he’s doing or saying, no matter how flattering it is!

My advice.

My advice to your friend would be to make sure, through all of the abdominal butterflies and fireworks, to remember what it is she's really looking for: a real guy who’s looking for a real relationship with a real woman, like her.

She can enjoy the attention from Mr. Speedy while making sure that she keeps her head clear and her eyes and ears open to reality. She can also keep things at a more realistic pace on her own terms – If he's not happy with that and disappears, then she has her answer – he wasn't the real thing after all. And she found out sooner rather than later.

On the other hand, if turns out to be the real thing, and he's proven to her that he's in it for the same reasons she is, and that he values the same things she does, he wants the same kind of commitment that she wants, then things will just keep getting better and better. Until she knows that for sure, none of the words, gifts or romantic gestures matter.

I'll finish with a short story:

I was out with one of my girlfriends on the day I met my husband, and she met a guy the same day. By the time my husband and I had arranged to get together and he picked me up for our first date, they had been together 24/7 for about a week straight, and were already planning to move in together. She told me that she knew it was the real thing, it was just so intense, so passionate, so amazing.

A month or two later, just as we were starting to get serious, their relationship was over. Now, about twelve years later, my husband and I just celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary.

Some things just can't be rushed.

Don't Give Yourself Away

5 Comments

A beautiful woman being swept off her feet by good looking man
Make him prove himself to you first.

3 months? She laughed. I couldn't do that, Jane!

I was telling a single friend of mine about a client who waited a few months before becoming intimate with the guy she was dating because she wanted to make sure he wasn't just interested in sleeping with her, but actually wanted the same commitment she was looking for.

She believed she had a right to have sex, to be intimate, on her terms when she wanted it - not just something men get to do - and she wasn't going to give that up. She did have that right, but it came with a price, too.

Here's what this looks like in real life.

You're going to think you've finally found what you're looking for.

He's going to seem so different from the rest. He'll show you all the signs of being into you and you'll feel like all the work you've been doing on yourself is finally paying off. He's going to seem genuine.Continue Reading

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About Jane Garapick

Hi, I'm Jane Garapick. I'm here to provide inspiration, support and empowerment on the journey to true love. I know what it’s like to have a broken heart, a broken dream, and a broken you. And I know for a fact, that your dreams can still come true! Read more...
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