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How Long Do I Wait For Commitment?

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Woman upset with boyfriend because he won't commit
What does waiting do for you?

You've read my post Why Won't He Commit? 7 Things You Can Do To Move Things Along. You've tried everything I've suggested, and now the only thing you're left wondering is how long do you wait to see if he comes around and gives you the kind of commitment that you're looking for? You're so not alone if this is where you're at. Of all the questions I'm asked, this is by far one of the most common.

The simple honest answer is you should never wait for someone to come around to commit to you! Honestly, if he isn't on that same page as you, open and in touch with himself enough to know what he wants and that he wants a committed relationship in the first place, before he met you, waiting around for him to come around to where he is finally ready for commitment to you is wasting your time.

He's not going to come around and commit to you because you're waiting for him. In fact, the very fact that he knows you're waiting for him, and willing to put your life on hold to wait to see if he does commit, lets him know that he's more important than you; that you value him more than you value yourself, and leaves him with no motivation to figure out what it is he's really looking for, why he's behaving like this with you, and what he would be losing when you finally give up on him and leave.Continue Reading

You Are That Strong!

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A woman is demonstrating her strength in the punching position.
Yes, you really are!

I came across one of my favorite playlists in one of my long-forgotten files today, and one of the titles caught my eye. It was Taylor Swift's We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together. I found it again online and began listening to the lyrics and it all came back to me. There was a reason I loved this song!

Isn't that what we all want to be able to do? Don't we all want to be able to stand up so strong, so confident in ourselves and what we know we deserve, and say these words to that guy, the one who took us for a ride, the one who played our hearts?!

We want permission, we want to be given the right to say something that strong. We want to have that same resolve. That same type of confidence.

Because as much as we want to say this to him, we're scared to. Scared that he might be the one, and we let him go. Scared that there's no one else coming around. Scared that he just might  be our last chance.

We're scared that we don't deserve better. Scared to stand up like this and let him know in no uncertain terms just like this that we are done! That we refuse to be treated like this anymore, and we would rather be alone than be with someone like him treating us like this!Continue Reading

Your Actions Say So Much More than Your Words

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You deserve nothing less than someone who calls you often and with enough notice to get together. You deserve nothing less than someone who knows what he's got in you and knows what is required of him if he wants to be in a relationship with you. A beautiful confident woman looks into the camera.You know this scenario all too well. He's not calling you as often as you'd like; he's waiting until the last minute to make plans with you; you're feeling taken for granted. You're not sure what to do to turn things around, but you don't want to lose him; you've never felt the way you do about him with anyone else before and you don't want to risk losing him by saying how much you want more than he's giving you right now. But still your heart longs for more from him, and you struggle with just how much to say or not to say and what to do with all of this.

Where do you go from here?

You have a couple options. You can talk to him. You can tell him how you feel. You can let him know what you need from him. You can have that heart to heart talk that he doesn't want to have, but you need to have. You can try to change him by telling him all of this and more. You can hope that by communicating your needs directly with him, he'll know what he needs to do and make those changes you want.

And he might.

But the reality is, all too often it doesn't work out that way. And you only feel worse after talking with him; he doesn't respond well and subtly pulls away even further and you're left regretting saying anything in the first place. Which makes you feel even more scared of losing him, makes you cling onto him all that much more, making you feel more insecure and doubting yourself in the process. It's a cycle that can lead to that all too common place where that unhealthy push and pull pattern comes into play, with us pushing for more and him pulling away, a pattern that can be so difficult to change once it tugs on our deep-seated insecurities that stem from our own abandonment issues, and his feelings of being stifled that come from his own background issues. The more you feel triggered, the more he feels triggered, and before you know it, your relationship can become more about everything going on beneath the surface than it is about the two of you!

Or you have another option.

Instead of talking to him, you can choose to look at yourself. Instead of telling him what you need him to do differently, you can show him by your actions and your behavior exactly what your boundaries are. Instead of the focus being on him, the focus is instead on someone you can actually change; yourself! Instead of depending on someone else to do something different and change to give you what you need, by choosing to focus on you, he doesn't feel smothered, and your feelings of security and confidence in the relationship (and thus your self-esteem) aren't dependent on what he does or doesn't do, and you're not looking for him to prove how much he cares about you by whether or not he responds to your requests – when in reality his response is about how much he is feeling out of control and smothered and not about how much he cares about you!

Do you see the difference?

So if you want him to call you more, instead of telling him you want him to call you more, you don't return his calls right away, or even at all. And not because you're playing games with him, but because you're focusing on you and making you the priority. You're dating more than just him because he hasn't shown you that he's exclusive with you yet. Or worthy of being exclusive for! You're focused on the things you enjoy, you're keeping a full life of your own while you're watching to see where this might lead. You're out there doing things, finding your passion, following  your dreams and not staying at home waiting for the phone to ring or continuously checking to see if your cell phone ringer is on in case he calls!  You're living your life first and foremost with the focus on you as the icing on the cake, and not a relationship with him!

If you want him to make plans with you earlier in the week before the weekend rolls around, you let him know you already have plans if he doesn't ask you until Friday morning. Because you do already have plans! You didn't wait around for him this time to see if he was going to ask. You went ahead and made your own plans without waiting around for him this time. Sure, you prefer to do something with him. But the reality is, the only way he's going to get the message and start making his plans with you earlier, is if he sees that you require this of him. By your actions! By the fact that you're busy when he finally calls you!

It may take a while.

It may take a while to get used to this new side of you; this confident, self-assured version of yourself that you never knew you had in you. But the reality is, if you want him to treat you differently, if you want to start having the type of relationship that you want with him on your own terms, without you on the begging end, but with you feeling like he's finally treating you the way you know in your heart you deserve to be treated, the way you deserve to be loved, then this is how it happens.

This is the real you!

You deserve nothing less than someone who calls you often and with enough notice to get together. You deserve nothing less than someone who knows what he's got in you and knows what is required of him if he wants to be in a relationship with you.

The key is just remembering this yourself, believing in yourself, and having the confidence and self esteem to know this is the real you.

The Missing Piece

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This very important piece is like the last piece needed to complete the puzzle. A woman is holding the last piece of the puzzle.No matter how many times you've read or been told it's ultimately about loving yourself, about being confident, about remembering all that you are and all that you have to offer, there is still that part of you that just doesn't know what to do with that.

You read it, you get it, but how to get there from where you're at now is the part that's just not happening. You start by resolving to love yourself, to take better care of yourself, to start treating yourself like the beautiful woman you're being told you truly are, but nothing changes.

You don’t feel any different.

You're not attracting anything different. And you're beginning to wonder if there really is something wrong with you that you can't even master these simple steps. Why does everyone else seem to be able to do this, when you can't?

It all begins with a shift.

Of course you can't start loving loving yourself if you don't find anything loveable about yourself in the first place. Of course you can't start being confident when you're doubting your ability or worthiness to be loved by anyone who's worthy. Of course you can't remember all that you are and all that you have to offer if you don't believe you are all that in the first place.

But what you can do, what you can do right now, is shift your mindset. Stop looking at yourself the way you've always looked at yourself.

It's time to change our self-talk.

Instead of the negative self-talk, instead of looking at what's wrong with you, what about changing that and looking at all that's right with you? What about looking at all your positive qualities first, instead of all the negative press you usually give yourself? When you've lived thinking so little of yourself for so long, it's so easy to forget what's so great about you.

We're taught from such a young age that to think of ourselves this way - as great, as wonderful, as beautiful, as all that – is boastful, and selfish, and bad, and instead we're rewarded by putting ourselves last, everyone else first, by focusing on what we need to improve about ourselves. And what we really hear through all this is that there is inherently something wrong with us.

The truth is, there's nothing wrong with us. It's not about that at all. Instead, it's about rising above everything we've been led to believe about ourselves as being true, and starting a new belief system about ourselves. It's time to tear up those lists that say we need to be something different, when who we are is enough.

More than enough.

It's time to go beyond our list of self-improvements we've been told we need to make and realize we are OK just as we are. There are always things we can do to improve ourselves. There are always things we can do better or differently.

But the difference here is that when we look at ourselves in the light of how can we be our best selves, instead of the mindset of how can we fix what is wrong with us, there is a huge shift that takes place. One view only sees the negative that needs changing; the other sees a beautiful point from which to love ourselves and get to an even higher place of self-love and care.

One is about what we need to do to be accepted and loved outside of ourselves. The other is about how we can love ourselves and care for ourselves in such a way that we become everything our endless potential can see us being.

Do you see the difference? That missing piece, begins and ends with you. You cannot expect anyone else to do this for you. Remember that feeling you get when you're in love, when someone loves you back for you, that you finally have that feeling that you can do anything? That's what I'm talking about here.

You don't need to be loved by anyone outside of yourself to have that same feeling. That is the feeling that loving yourself and having that kind of self-respect and self-confidence brings into your life. You are not an impostor if you have it within yourself. You have simply discovered the secret that most people don't even realize has been right there within themselves all along.

You.

The real beautiful, confident, radiant, you!

What If...

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What if you could know, deep down inside, that there was nothing wrong with you? A beautiful, thoughtful woman wonders why she feels there is something wrong with her.We hear so much about what we need to do differently, what we need to change about ourselves, and what we're doing wrong, that it's no wonder we’re often left thinking that there is just something wrong with us and we'll never figure out how to find true love with that special someone.

We've all seen the looks and heard the exasperated sounds from well-meaning friends who are so tired of hearing the same story from us all over again, leaving us to question our own sanity once again. Almost everyone who seems normal to us seems to get it.

They make it all look so easy.

And yet, when we try to take all the well-meaning advice and make it happen for ourselves, too, we never get the same results.

It can be a frustrating, seemingly never ending cycle, leaving in its wake a tired, beaten down, broken person inside with little self-esteem and confidence left.

It can be hard to see our beautiful, radiant, confident selves when we feel like we are nothing and have nothing to offer anyone, let alone the energy to work on ourselves.

What if there was absolutely nothing wrong with you?

What if you really got that there was nothing inherently wrong with you? What if the fact that you are attracting the same type of man over and over again was about the way you view yourself, rather than some fatal flaw that's just your destiny? What would your life look life, and how would you be living your life if you truly believed in your heart of hearts that there was nothing wrong with you? Because the reality is, there is nothing wrong with you.

You are not your past.

You are not your mother or your father or your sister or your grandmother or whoever else you might think you are just like. You are your own beautiful self, and with a little awareness of where you've been and a lot of acceptance of who you are, you have everything you need to begin anew.

To see that beautiful person of you. To see all that you have to offer and all that you are. To see what that special someone is just waiting to see if you would just see it for yourself first.

You see, if we see ourselves for who we truly are, with all our flaws along with all our attributes, the whole package we are, we would see that it wasn't about being right or wrong, or good or bad, or attractive or unattractive, or a catch, or someone only a mother could love. We would see that these are terms, labels and judgments that our culture puts on us. We're so immersed in it, that we don't see it and so our parents, our teachers and our peers all unknowingly further reinforce these judgments on us, not realizing how they are helping to perpetuate these patterns.

So how do we change this? How do we actually throw off the heaviness of this feeling that we are less than beautiful, less than radiant, less than confident, just less than in general?

It begins with a choice.

Choosing to take back control of our lives and who we really are. And the life we're living. To choose to live life to its fullest, embracing ourselves and all that we are and everywhere we've been and every thing we've been through in the process.

Choosing to accept ourselves by sending ourselves a different message of love and acceptance.

It's as simple as making a choice to stop beating ourselves up so much, stop being so hard on ourselves, and choosing to accept those very things we've been rejecting about ourselves.

If we need to make some changes, let's resolve to make them. But let's do it in love and acceptance not in self-hatred and impatience. Resolve to bring love and respect to ourselves where we've only known the opposite.

This isn't about anyone else; this is about you. And it's in that journey of finding your way back to that place of love within yourself that the beautiful, radiant light that's inside you will begin to shine through like a beacon in the night to attract that special someone.

That someone who's been looking for you all along.

Once Upon a Time There Was a Little Girl

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Once upon a time there was a little girl who believed she could do anything (Photo of little girl jumping with joy)Once upon a time you were a little girl who knew her worth couldn’t be measured; a little girl who believed in herself and her dreams, which were big dreams, and that little girl knew she could do anything and that her dreams would come true.

Until they came along and told you that you weren't all that, that you weren't worthy, and that they knew better than you did.  They told you it wasn’t ok to do this or that, that it wasn't  ladylike, or feminine, or appropriate for someone like you.  And you believed them because you believed they knew best.  And you were taught to be a good little girl so that is what a good little girl should do.

Until one day your own feelings of worth and your beliefs in yourself and what you deserve got so stuffed down inside you that you no longer believed you could follow your dreams and become whatever you wanted to.  And you began to doubt yourself  and believe instead that you had to prove yourself worthy instead of remembering that you were worthy just because you are you.Continue Reading

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