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Which Path Should I Choose?

35 Comments

A beautiful woman walks down a path, representing different choices in her relationships.
Please help me make the right decision!

What do you do when the ex who couldn't commit suddenly decides he wants you back - but you don't know if it's just because you've moved on with someone he knows, or because he actually wants you back? What would you do?

Well, that's what our beautiful reader, Jessica, wants to know. I'm featuring her email on the blog this week, and with all the experience this community has with exes who won't commit, I know she's come to the right place.

Here's her story:

Hi Jane,

I have a point of crossroads and I would really appreciate your guidance.

Basically my ex boyfriend and I were in a committed relationship for about two years when he was offered a job in the US. Because of the visa laws it was a situation where we would either have to commit or try another option.

Instead of exploring the different options he froze and abandoned the relationship, treating me very disrespectfully, revealing a side that I didn't recognize and cheating on me multiple times. This was about six months ago.

He then went off to the US and then a lot sooner than I expected I actually began to see somebody else and move on which unfortunately happened to be an acquaintance of his.

So as things began to develop with the new guy I knew I needed to tell my ex to be fair to the situation as they had known each other and not to hurt him anymore than the news could already. Since he had been gone I'd heard from him occasionally and of late had a couple more emotional messages of missing me and regret which I closed down and asked for his respect in leaving me be.

But when I told him about my new situation he basically reacted in a way that I totally didn't expect.Continue Reading

I Just Want It To Be the Way It Was

67 Comments

A beautiful woman looks in a mirror wanting it to be the way it was.
I put myself out there everyday, only to feel rejected afterwards.

One of our beautiful, sweet readers, who has asked to remain anonymous, has been in a long distance relationship with her boyfriend of a year and a half, and has gone through quite a roller-coaster of difficulties, including cheating.

I've chosen to call her Plumeria, after the beautiful and fragrant flowers that are used to make Hawaiian leis.

Here's her email:

Jane,

My relationship with my boyfriend has been going on for about a year and a half.

We started dating after I got out of a two year relationship the same time that he did, and we kind of gave each other moral support.  He was always someone I was attracted to, and I had admired his relationship, and I think I was the same for him.Continue Reading

He Cheated On Me But I Don't Want Our Relationship to be Over

60 Comments

Man is cheating on his girlfriend texting the other woman while she sleeps in bed next to him.Our beautiful friend, Lola, has been with her boyfriend for 6 years, and he has cheated on her in the past. Now she thinks he is cheating on her again, and has confirmed that he's lying to her. She's wondering what to do from here.

Here's her story:

Hi Jane,

I have been seeing this man (we both are 47) for 6 yrs. There has been cheating on his part in the past. I took him back, did brief counseling but I still have difficulty with trust.

I recently met a woman who said she knew him and immediately my "spidey sense" was heightened. I discovered (by asking) that they have since made contact.....Here is the what happened last week. He & I got together on Thursday (because something going on Sat night) & I asked about this woman again. He told me he has no interest in her. We end our evening on a good note, positive.

Saturday evening comes around & I'm out with a girlfriend by his house. I call. He says not home (tells me not to come by) but I can tell that he is there. Then I see his garage door go up & this woman (the one asked about) is leaving getting in her car in the driveway.  He is in his car in the garage (I saw his back up lights come on).

I immediately called him and he did answer or respond to texts. I was furious and hurt.

I tried to contact him the next day and no response......it's been a week and I have not attempted to make contact with him.

He LIED to me, I hate myself because I love him.

Cheating on me again? What do I do?

Is over just like this after 6 yrs?

I keep thinking about it?

I know I overreacted when saw her leaving his house.....This can't be all my fault.

I don't want our relationship to be over.....

What do I do?

Attempt to contact him?

I'm a mess.......

Help.

Lola

My Response:

Dear Lola,

Of course you still have difficulty with trust; it's because he isn't giving you any reason to trust him. Of course you're looking for the positive notes to gauge where things stand; it's because you have little else to go on. Of course you found yourself by his house; it's because you know there's so much more to his explanations.

And of course you feel you overreacted when you saw another woman leaving his house; there's nothing we do so well as blame ourselves for what went wrong.

It's so hard to see this clearly right now from where you stand, Lola. And especially when you have so much time and energy invested in this man that you know things could be so different with, if only he could see this for himself.

But you've tried reaching out, and he hasn't responded. Not for a week.  He's cheated before, you say. You took him back - of course you did when we all want to believe in that beautiful romantic notion that love can conquer all – regardless of whether or not someone wants it to.  You tried counseling; because that's what we all do so well.

We keep trying, we keep working, we keep thinking it's got to change if we can only do that "one last thing" to turn this relationship around.

But how lonely to be doing this on your own! How beautiful a heart you have that you can give and love and forgive and take someone back like you have for the sake of that one word that means so much to us all – love.

Is it love, Lola? Is this love?  Is being treated like this love? Is putting yourself out there again and again to be subjected to this what you had in mind when you thought you were falling in love?  Is watching some other woman walking out of his house when he's blatantly lying to you, telling you he's not at home when you can see with your own eyes that that's exactly where he is – what you had in mind?

No matter how much of ourselves we've invested in someone, when we look at the reality of what we're getting from someone, of what we're not getting, of what someone isn't capable of giving us whether they're wounded from their own pasts or not, there comes a time when we can no longer keep this reality from speaking for itself.

And then it comes down to where it always does – to you.

And the one statement buried in your email to me that says more about what's really going on than anything else about him; I hate myself because I love him.

This is why only you can change this, Lola.

This is why you are as powerful as you are, no matter how much you can't see it right now. You know in your heart of hearts that this isn't loving to you.

You know you deserve better than this. You know you don't deserve to be treated like this. You don't love him; you love the idea of him. You love the way you've made him out to be in your own  mind that has nothing to do with the reality of who he is or what he can give you.

What are you really letting go of if you don't contact him again? What are you really losing if you set him free to live the life he so obviously wants to live? What are you gaining in return?

Self-respect.

The kind that matters more than any other kind. The kind that turns into a higher self-esteem and more self-confidence than you're living with right now.  The only kind worth having when you know you've done the most loving, compassionate thing you can do for yourself. The kind that realizes you're worth more than what you've been trying to convince yourself is the best you're going to get.

You're the loving kind, Lola; not the begging kind. And this self-loathing, self-hatred is a sign that something needs to change. We can't treat ourselves like this and still love ourselves.

If you're not enough to turn this around, why is he enough for you?

If you can relate to what's Lola's going through, I'd love to hear from you. And so would she. Share your thoughts with her in the comments.

Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher: What Did Demi Really Lose?

3 Comments

I was thinking about an article I read years ago about the break-up of Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher.

As I was reading about how Demi and others before her have ended their relationships with cheating men, I realized something important that I wanted to share with you. Because it’s the perfect example of what we need to remember about these guys we get involved with.

Every single one of them.

And it’s one of the themes that I’m always talking about.

That we really do teach him how to treat us.

If you ever had any doubt about that, just look at Demi Moore’s announcement where she states clearly that she is not going to put up with this kind of betrayal of her and her family. Continue Reading

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About Jane Garapick

Hi, I'm Jane Garapick. I'm here to provide inspiration, support and empowerment on the journey to true love. I know what it’s like to have a broken heart, a broken dream, and a broken you. And I know for a fact, that your dreams can still come true! Read more...
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