Getting to TRUE Love

Finding your YOU that leads to TWO

  • Categories
    • Relationships
    • Dating
    • Finding Love
    • Single Life
    • Inspiration
  • Programs
  • Work With Me
  • Contact Me
  • About
You are here: Home / Archives for change yourself

It's Time to Be Selfish

10 Comments

It's time to be selfish - Road sign pointing in different directions to "I want", "You want" "We want", and "They want".I know; we've all been brought up to be very good little girls. And we've become very well-behaved women. We learned well that we were to put others needs before our own, and not be selfish. And we've done just that, haven't we.

We're oh so good at meeting everyone's needs except our own. We know all too well how to take care of other people, especially the men in our lives that we've made so many excuses for over the years. We can cater to everyone else with an amazing sensitivity to what they need, and we know how to make them feel good about themselves.

But in the process there's someone whose needs we've overlooked over and over and over again; yes, I'm talking about you.  And the role you play all too well. At the expense of yourself and your own needs.Continue Reading

It Takes Time

2 Comments

Beautiful lonely girl dreamin and thinking while waiting for date in the city ocean pier at sunset time.
And courage.

Any type of positive change is a process that takes place over a period of time - be gentle with yourself and allow yourself that time.

In thinking about my last post about things I would do differently knowing what I now know, I realized that I forgot to mention something very important -  this process took me a long time. And I didn't find the love of my life right after I started changing what I was doing. It took time.

Changing yourself takes time.

This learning about ourselves and getting to the roots of why we keep attracting the wrong guys takes time. This looking deep within to figure out why. This learning to start saying no to the ones we've come to call our type and to start opening our eyes to the ones who just might be our real type. It all takes time. This is all the work of getting in touch with ourselves and charting a new path to ourselves first, and then to another human being.  It's never quick or painless.

Awareness is the first step.

Awareness is always the first step, but the actual change in who we're attracting, the types of men we're still attracted to, the deeply ingrained patterns and habits of ourselves and our relationships and the way we date, the way we are with this whole meeting and attracting and relating to men in healthy, confident ways - this all takes time. And courage. And strength. And energy. And the ability to be honest with ourselves and others. To be real. To refuse to give up when it seems to be taking too long and we're not seeing any tangible progress.

I remember when I began having all those aha moments as I began reading the first self-help books I would discover after the end of my most devastating break-up.  I figured I was breaking so much ground with understanding what had happened and why, that I would surely start attracting a healthier guy and relationship the very next time.  But it didn't happen like that. He was still almost the same guy, just a different name and look, because I still hadn't gotten to the deep roots of my dating and attraction patterns. That would take much longer; much more work, much more uncovering what was really going on with my patterns and types. Because change like this always takes time.

Two steps forward, one step back.

So think of it as two steps forward, one step backward. Baby steps. Change takes time. Getting real and honest and applying what our inner self knows to be true about what we really deserve and living like we actually believe it, takes time. Learning to say no when all we want is to be loved, takes time. Learning to respect ourselves enough to let something with so much potential walk away when it's hurting us more often than it's loving us, takes time.  Learning to take a chance on something new and different when we're not feeling it right away, takes time.  Learning to put ourselves first instead of deferring to what he wants, takes time. Learning to refuse to settle for those crumbs that can feel oh so good, takes time. Remembering who we are, all that we have to offer, and that we deserve nothing less than someone who loves us the way we are so deserving to be loved, takes time.

Go easy on yourself.

So if it's taking you longer than you'd like to realize and really understand these truths, be gentle with yourself. Forgive yourself. And know that reminding yourself as often as possible that you are beautiful (you are!), you deserve to be loved (it's true!), and that you have amazing gifts to bring into a relationship (you do!), will make it real.

Ten Things I Would Do Differently

Leave a Comment

Beautiful woman sitting on the beach, sad because of her breakup, wants to get her boyfriend back.
I wouldn't be so scared.

… if I could do it all over again.

1. I would spend less time worrying about how we were ever going to find each other.

I would know when we were both truly ready for each other, we would find each other.

2. I wouldn’t try so hard to change myself to be what he wanted me to be.

I would know I didn’t have to be anything except myself.

3. I wouldn’t hold on so tightly to relationships that didn’t honor or respect who I was inside.

I would know that I deserved better than crumbs and that it was only by refusing to settle for anything less than what I deserved that I would finally get it right.

4. I wouldn’t hold on so tightly to another him that I thought was the best I was going to get.

I would know that no guy, no matter how amazing or wonderful (or whatever he is), is worth losing myself for.

5. I wouldn’t be so scared of being alone.

I would know that it’s in being alone that I learn who I am, what I’m about, and what makes me me.

6. I wouldn’t be so scared that someone else was going to find him first.

I would know that scarcity is a lie that we’re brought up, but it’s not true. There’s always enough of everything if we believe it – even if we’re talking about men.

7. I wouldn’t be so scared that the art of finding Mr. Right was somehow in everyone else but not me. That they had the magic in them but not me.

I would know that everyone has the magic in them just by being alive and that I didn’t ever have to be afraid of missing him.

8. I wouldn’t wonder if I was worth someone looking for me and waiting to find me, too.

I would know that I have worth just because I exist.

9. I wouldn’t think that finding him (and keeping him) was about using some magical formula, or some perfect prescription, or playing games or any other manipulative tactics.

I would know that it’s about being real, honest, and authentic; without the games, the acting, the manipulating and the pretending.

10. I wouldn’t be so worried that it was never going to happen to me because I wasn’t good enough, that I wasn’t deserving enough.

I would know that dreams really do come true, even for me, no matter where I’ve been, what I’ve done or what I’ve been through.

…because that’s the key. It’s not about him, it’s about you. It’s about getting out and doing the things you enjoy, living the life that you were meant to live. And it’s in doing those things that one day, somehow, somewhere, without you even knowing it, that’s when it’s going to happen. Your dream. Your happily after after. The real thing. At exactly the time that you are both ready for each other; and not one moment before.

How about you? What would you do differently? Tell us about it in the comments!

Are You Waiting to be Rescued?

2 Comments

Are You Waiting to be Rescued?While it may sound romantic to be rescued by the strong, handsome man, the reality isn't at all like the fantasy.

This is the fourth post in our series 8 Signs You Aren't Ready for a Relationship.

We'll be delving into each of these more deeply, one by one, to make sure that you areready for a relationship when your Mr. Right comes along.

Are You Waiting for Your Knight in Shining Armor?

  • Does your self-talk sound like "I'm such a mess", or "why am I so insecure?", or other similarly self-deprecating statements?
  • Do you think that someday you will meet a guy who will pull you out of the funk that you're in and make you happy?
  • Do you think a guy will come along and solve all of your problems – whether it be financial, emotional or physical?
  • Do you find yourself typically looking up to your partner? Do you find yourself falling for the professor in college, your boss at work, or someone that you feel has authority over you?
  • Do you often get starry eyed over a guy who shows interest in you that you think is out of your league?
  • Do you find yourself feeling like your partner is all that, and you really can't understand why he'd even be with someone like you?
  • Are you looking for someone to make it all better?

If you answered yes to one or more of these, it's a sign that you may be looking for a man to come along and save you from the life that you're currently living. The truth is that this is a very bad reason to get into a relationship, and it will almost inevitably fail.

The Good News

Nobody is coming to save you.

Why is this good news? Because once we realize that no one is coming to save us, there's a kind of ethereal calming of the soul; a relief, a release of anxiety. Because now you know it's not going to happen, and you can stop waiting and move on with your life.

Self-Rescue

You can now get to work on making it happen for yourself. You're now in control. Because waiting for someone else to rescue you from your current reality is handing over the reins to fate, and sitting and waiting for something external to happen to you. While this may seem easier, it's actually more stressful, because deep inside we feel stressed when we feel like our lives are out of our control. Taking it on yourself is to take control of your life, accept responsibility for yourself and your actions, and recognize that things don't just happen – you make them happen.

You can now freely let go of the idea that something outside of yourself, something that you have no control over, must happen or change before you can be happy. You can let go of the idea that someday things will be better, and you can start making things better today.

Because the reality is we don't ever really need saving.  We may think we do; we may have been brought up amid messages that convinced us to believe we are damsels in distress in need of a wonderful knight in shining armor to come and slay the dragons for us – and that may make for an exciting fantasy, but it's not the stuff of reality.  The price we pay for turning over that much control of our lives to someone who may or may not have our best interests at heart is always too high.

I remember all too well when this reality became clear to me.  Yet another man, another relationship had let me down, or so it seemed, when in reality, it was just another lesson sent to nudge me closer to embracing my true self, to stop looking outside of myself and start realizing I had it all right here inside me.  I was enough!  I didn't need anyone to save me.  I was no damsel in distress. I didn't need anyone to slay my dragons.

I only needed to find myself to discover that I was enough.  In and of myself.   And to learn the difference between finding someone to join me as my equal in this adventure we call life versus someone I'd always be looking up to, putting up on a pedestal, losing myself in the process.  And that's more real than any superficial knight coming to save me could ever be.

Do The Work

If you want your life to be different, it's time to know that you're in control and that you're fully capable of making the changes that are necessary to make your life different. The first step is in building up your self-esteem and realizing your true worth, your value.

It's in this process of raising your self-esteem and getting healthy for yourself that you change the patterns of your past. Instead of ending up just as unhappy in the next relationship as you've been in prior relationships, with a healthier you, you'll attract a relationship that's both a happier and healthier one.  Remember, you need to be healthy before you can be in a healthy relationship.

In the last post I said that you want a partner, not a patient. This time I'll say the reverse – you want a partner, not a therapist. If you have debilitating self-doubt, get the help that you need before you're in a relationship. If you're already in a relationship, get the help that you need outside of your relationship.

Sure, you can rely on your partner for support and encouragement, as you well should, but get the help you need from a professional. If seeking professional help is not practical, due to financial or other reasons, then get yourself some good books to study, and do the work (reading about it alone won't do anything – you need to do the deep work on yourself).

It also helps to find someone outside of the relationship that you can talk to & bounce ideas off of. Maybe it's a friend, coworker, or family member.  The important thing is that it be someone who is non-judgmental and trustworthy.

And remember that I'm always here for you also – I'm just an email away.

Next post in this series: Are You Looking for Someone to Complete You?

Why You Keep Attracting The Wrong Guys

42 Comments

Do you keep attracting the wrong type of men?
Your relationship compass may need a calibration

Is your relationship compass pointing you in the wrong direction? Here's how you can correct it.

Last week I wrote an article for YourTango about 8 Signs You Aren’t Ready for a Relationship. If you haven’t read it yet, check it out. I’m going to spend the next week or two delving into each of these more deeply, one by one, and discussing what you can do to make sure that you are ready for a relationship when your Mr. Right comes along.

Is Your Great Guy Compass Accurate?

Is your relationship compass off?  Do you find yourself attracting the wrong type of guy over and over again?  If this sounds familiar, then your relationship compass might be in need of a calibration.

Just as a compass points North due to the internal magnet that aligns itself to the natural magnetic field of the earth, your relationship compass works off of magnetic attraction – and I know you know what I mean here. You are just magnetically drawn to him – the way he looks at you, the way he talks, the way he moves. You were drawn to him the first time you saw him, and your heart started beating faster the first time he talked to you. We’ve all been there.

Of course, the magnetic attraction part isn’t the problem – in fact it’s wonderful! The problem is when we find that we’re consistently magnetically attracted to a guy that’s not right for us; he could be emotionally unavailable, have alcohol or drug addictions, or an explosive temper. You may find yourself, like many women, drawn to the bad boy, always thinking that you’re going to be the one to tame his wild ways. But after a string of these, you’re starting to realize that bad boys might actually be bad for you.

So what is it that causes you to be drawn to these specific types of men? Well, it really comes down to the early programming of your delicate childhood brain (doesn’t it always?) Everything you know about relationships and love, and what they’re supposed to look like and feel like, you learned in childhood from your parents (or whoever your primary caregivers were.)

The good news? While it’s very difficult, if not impossible, to change your internal programming, it is possible to become aware of this programming, and recognize when it’s leading you to make bad choices. Once you understand why you’re making the choices that you’re making, you can learn to be aware of these motivators, and you can then use that awareness to change the way you make choices in the future.

So let’s get started.

Know What You Don’t Want

Yes, it’s time for lists.  Get out your pen and paper or open up a blank Word doc. List out all of your past partners that you were in a serious relationship with (don’t bother including guys that you only went out with for a short time.)

Underneath each name, write out who broke off the relationship, and why. Then list out the qualities that you disliked about your ex, in order of priority, starting with the worst. Was he controlling and/or manipulative? Emotionally unavailable? Unfaithful? Did he have an explosive temper? Was he moody? Get them all down on paper.

If you find that as you’re making your lists, you still have some feelings of hurt and anger over these past relationships, which is very common, take some time to really examine those feelings. Feel them. Let yourself cry.

Forgive Him

Then, once you’re done feeling, crying, and grieving, dig deep and find it in you to genuinely forgive each one. For each, try to understand what may have made him the way he was, and realize that he was broken also. Then, in a forgiving and loving way, release those feelings so that you can truly move on. Holding on to these past hurts only makes them continue to hurt – and they’re only hurting you. If you release the negative feelings, you will free yourself to completely heal, which needs to be done before you can be truly healthy in a new relationship.

Understand Yourself

Take a look at your lists and see which of the bad qualities that you listed are the most common. Typically you will see some that pop up in many, if not all, of your relationships.  Maybe all of the guys in your past were heavy drinkers or wound up cheating on you. Make a note of these by circling them, putting a check mark next to them, or using a highlighter (my personal preference.) These are your negative attractors, and are what we will be examining next.

Now think about your childhood. Did one or both of your parents have these traits that you highlighted? Did your father drink a lot or cheat on your mother? Or maybe your parents were very heavy-handed or controlling when it came to alcohol or who you could date, and now you’re rebelling. As children we all wanted to be loved by our parents, and our minds firmly believe our parents loved each other, so how we were treated as children by our parents and how they loved and treated each other become our model for what love is supposed to look like.  And since much of this was absorbed sub-consciously, we often don’t even realize this is what’s been going on.

I remember the epiphany I  experienced when, after coming off of yet another devastating break-up, I suddenly realized that what I had really been looking for - and finding – in each of these failed relationships, was someone similar to my father who I could finally win over to give me the love I had been looking for my whole life.  But I was always seeking it from someone as emotionally unavailable and distant to me as he was.  And getting to the root of that was the beginning of attracting something different into my life, as difficult as it was to get to that point in the first place.

Know What You Do Want

Now make a list of all of the qualities of your perfect partner. Note that we’re not talking about superficial things like “tall, dark and handsome”; we’re looking for things more along the lines of responsible, hard-working, funny, affectionate, etc. It may help to go back to your earlier lists and add all of the good qualities that each of your former long term partners possessed (after all, there must have been some reasons you stayed with them so long.) Add these good qualities to your “perfect guy” list.

Picture It

Now that you have a good picture painted of what you actually want in a guy, and a relationship, try to visualize what it would be like to be in a relationship with this perfect man. Again, you’re not visualizing the physical characteristics – try to keep his physical appearance kind of vague right now. Just picture his values, behaviors and personal traits – how he treats you, how he makes you feel, how you interact with each other, and how you interact as a couple with friends and family. Remember, this is your ideal relationship so go for it – if you want flowers every Friday, go ahead and picture that. If you want steamy passion, don’t hold back. Take some time to picture yourself in as many real-life scenarios as you can think of; the better you can picture it, the more likely it is that you will find it.

Time For Some Self-Reflection

Now for one of the toughest parts, and you need to be completely honest with yourself here – after all, you’re doing this for yourself. Take a look at your negative list – do you see any of these qualities in yourself? If so, make a note of these and take the steps needed to work on them. This is not easy to do, but it’s one of the best things you can do to attract healthy love, in fact it’s critical. Knowing that you’re in a healthy state, physically, mentally, and emotionally will raise your confidence levels and in turn your self-esteem, which will in turn attract confident, healthy men with high self-esteem.

Now compare the list of what you do want in a guy to how you view yourself – do you see each of these qualities in yourself? If not, then once again you know where your areas of improvement lie. We really do attract what we are, so it’s all about being the type of person, with the same values, beliefs, and character traits that you’re looking for in a partner. If you want someone who’s kind, be kind. If you want someone who’s trustworthy, make sure that you’re trustworthy yourself.

Great! I know what I want. Now what?

Congratulations - you now have a detailed vision of what you want in a relationship, and that’s probably more than you’ve ever had before. Typically people spend more time thinking about what kind of television they’re going to buy than what they’re really looking for in a partner, so you’re way ahead of the game!

So the next time you start dating a guy (which will be soon, since you’re radiant, confident, and beautiful – and you know what you want), really try to see if he has any of the negative qualities that you have been drawn to so magnetically in the past. But this time don’t overlook them or make excuses for him.  Even if you’re tempted to.  Because I know firsthand just how easy it is to make someone appear to have more potential than he does, simply because we’re feeling that magnetism again.

I’m not necessarily saying to cut him loose right at the first sign, but really try to be aware of the behavior, and if it looks like what has caused you heartache in the past, make sure that you see it for the red flag that it is. It’s about being very deliberate in your choices, and not allowing yourself to fall in love with the feeling of love; most of the time that feeling is really just your insecurity surfacing, causing you to feel happy that you’ve been chosen. Remember, we’re doing the choosing now.

Know that this will not be easy. Going against your true nature will always be uncomfortable – especially when it’s so subconsciously ingrained. If in doubt, when you meet a guy that you like, but you’re not sure if he could be more of the same, ask yourself right away, does dating this man feel like it could result in a long term, happy, healthy relationship like the one I’ve been visualizing? Then you’ll have your answer.  It’ll get easier with time.

At some point you’ll find the guy that you’re both attracted to and is safe for you. And that’s when you know your compass is working well.

Next post in this series: Do You Need a Man in Your Life to Feel Happy?

It’s Time to Call Off the Search

5 Comments

A woman who has called off the search for Mr. RightIf you feel like you’ve been working so hard to meet the right guy, you’ve tried everything from night clubs to dating clubs to speed dating, well I’ve got some good news for you: It’s time for a break. It’s time to realize that you don’t need a man to define your life!  You don’t need a man to have a world to fit into. In fact, it’s the opposite – your life is exactly that – yours.

I know you’ve heard this before, but it’s time to really get it. As much as we may know in our hearts that we’ve been going down the wrong path, attracting the types of guys that just aren’t able to give us what we’re looking for, we still find ourselves rejecting the guys who are actually healthy and ready for a relationship in favor of the excitement and drama of the roller-coaster ride Mr. Wrong takes us on.

So why don’t we stop this self-destructive behavior?

Well, the truth is that it’s a lot easier to keep doing the same thing over and over again than to stop and take a good hard look at ourselves, and do the work to figure out what’s motivating us to keep repeating these same patterns over and over again.Continue Reading

  • « Previous Page
  • 1
  • …
  • 4
  • 5
  • 6
  • 7
  • Next Page »

SUBSCRIBE TO OUR MAILING LIST AND I’LL SEND YOU THIS GIFT!

Make Him Adore You Send me the video!

Programs

About Jane Garapick

Hi, I'm Jane Garapick. I'm here to provide inspiration, support and empowerment on the journey to true love. I know what it’s like to have a broken heart, a broken dream, and a broken you. And I know for a fact, that your dreams can still come true! Read more...
  • Email
  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • RSS
  • Twitter
  • YouTube

Join Me On Facebook!

Getting to True Love

Popular Posts

If you've let him know that you expect the same level of commitment from him that you've given him, and he can't give you the commitment that you're looking for, then there’s only one thing for you to do. A clock is showing that it's time to move on.

Your Best Response When You're Not Getting the Commitment You Want

A beautiful woman is being hugged

Will He Ever Want a Committed Relationship? 3 Signs He Might

A beautiful woman is looking at her ex boyfriend with his new girlfriend, wondering why he wouldn't commit to her.

Why He'll Commit to Her, But Not to You

Image of a man who looks like a player showing signs he's not into you.

14 Warning Signs That He’s Not That in to You

A beautiful woman is upset because of the way her boyfriend treats her as he watches TV.

Why He Treats You the Way He Does

Green freeway sign with Commitment written on it.

7 Things I've Learned About Men Who Are Afraid Of Commitment

Attractive young woman awaits a phone call. wondering why he hasn't called.

The Worst Thing You Can Do When He Hasn't Called

A beautiful woman looks at her phone wondering why he hasn't called.

The REAL Reason He Hasn’t Called

You're the one who really has tried everything to get him to come around and fully commit. You're the one who's given him more than enough time to come around and finally make the commitment . A beautiful woman is upset that her boyfriend won't give her the commitment she wants.

The Worst Thing You Can Do When He Won't Commit

A man telling a woman he just wants to be friends. They are standing in a park on a path, out of focus, with the camera looking through branches.

He Just Wants To Be Friends

As Seen On…

Latest Tweets

Tweets by @JaneGarapick

Recent Comments

  • Heather on Why No Contact NEVER works and what to do instead
  • Emma Verhoog on The Difference Between Giving Up Too Soon and Giving Up Too Much
  • Jin on Three Things You Can Do When He’s Getting Emotionally Distant
  • stavkapro on Your Best Response When You're Not Getting the Commitment You Want
  • Turning Your YouTube Channel Into a Cash Flow. on The REAL Reason He Hasn’t Called
  • Snehal on My Boyfriend Fell Out of Love With Me

Calendar

May 2025
M T W T F S S
 1234
567891011
12131415161718
19202122232425
262728293031  
« Oct    

Copyright © 2025· Getting to True Love, LLC · All rights reserved · Privacy Policy · Refund Policy · Terms of Service

We use cookies to ensure you receive the best experience on our website. If you continue to use this site we will assume that you are okay with our terms :)Got it!