change yourself

Are You Happy?

If your relationship is a real relationship, then the answer will be yes.

If you’re single, then there’s good news – you only have yourself to consider when answering this question. It’s not really about whether or not you’re happy being single, but are you happy in general? Of course we all want love in our lives, and someone to share the special moments with, but outside of that, are you happy with your life? If you took the relationship question out of the equation, ask yourself – are you happy?

If you're currently in a relationship, you have to ask yourself if the relationship you’re currently in increases your happiness, decreases your happiness, or is it just neutral? If the answer is either of the last two, then you really need to look at why this is the case, and seriously consider if you want to continue.

After many bad relationships, I finally got to the point that I said to myself (and a few of my close friends) that I just wanted to be in a relationship that didn't make me less happy than I was while single. While this may sound like a sad state of affairs, it was actually the turning point for me that was one of the many factors that finally led me to find my own true love.

Why?

Because it meant that I had already learned to be happy on my own. I finally realized what I needed to be happy wasn’t outside of myself, it was inside. It was in the pursuing of my own interests, discovering my true self, and following my own passions… finding my purpose.

Not a guy. Not something or some event outside of myself. Not my surroundings. It was inside of me, and I finally knew it. After spending so many years trying to find a relationship that would make me happy, I finally knew the truth – that a relationship can never make you happy.

But it can amplify your happiness. To have someone to share your happiness and love with. To give love, and support, and encouragement to one another.

But In order to do that, we have to be filled up ourselves. It’s like a cup – your cup needs to be filled before you can give to another from your cup without feeling like it is being drained. You also don’t want to be the person in the relationship that’s only drawing from (and draining) your partners cup.

In a real relationship there will be times where one of you is drawing off of the others cup, and vice-versa, and that's what makes it a real relationship - that give and take. As long as it's in balance, you'll feel happy, because you'll have someone you can lean on when you need to, and someone you can support when he needs it, and that makes you feel happy. But in order to do this each of you needs to be happy, and your cups full, to begin with.

You deserve to be happy.

We all do.

The Missing Piece

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No matter how many times you've read or been told it's ultimately about loving yourself, about being confident, about remembering all that you are and all that you have to offer, there is still that part of you that just doesn't know what to do with that.

You read it, you get it, but how to get there from where you're at now is the part that's just not happening. You start by resolving to love yourself, to take better care of yourself, to start treating yourself like the beautiful woman you're being told you truly are, but nothing changes.

You don’t feel any different.

You're not attracting anything different. And you're beginning to wonder if there really is something wrong with you that you can't even master these simple steps. Why does everyone else seem to be able to do this, when you can't?

It all begins with a shift.

Of course you can't start loving loving yourself if you don't find anything loveable about yourself in the first place. Of course you can't start being confident when you're doubting your ability or worthiness to be loved by anyone who's worthy. Of course you can't remember all that you are and all that you have to offer if you don't believe you are all that in the first place.

But what you can do, what you can do right now, is shift your mindset. Stop looking at yourself the way you've always looked at yourself.

It's time to change our self-talk.

Instead of the negative self-talk, instead of looking at what's wrong with you, what about changing that and looking at all that's right with you? What about looking at all your positive qualities first, instead of all the negative press you usually give yourself? When you've lived thinking so little of yourself for so long, it's so easy to forget what's so great about you.

We're taught from such a young age that to think of ourselves this way - as great, as wonderful, as beautiful, as all that – is boastful, and selfish, and bad, and instead we're rewarded by putting ourselves last, everyone else first, by focusing on what we need to improve about ourselves. And what we really hear through all this is that there is inherently something wrong with us.

The truth is, there's nothing wrong with us. It's not about that at all. Instead, it's about rising above everything we've been led to believe about ourselves as being true, and starting a new belief system about ourselves. It's time to tear up those lists that say we need to be something different, when who we are is enough.

More than enough.

It's time to go beyond our list of self-improvements we've been told we need to make and realize we are OK just as we are. There are always things we can do to improve ourselves. There are always things we can do better or differently.

But the difference here is that when we look at ourselves in the light of how can we be our best selves, instead of the mindset of how can we fix what is wrong with us, there is a huge shift that takes place. One view only sees the negative that needs changing; the other sees a beautiful point from which to love ourselves and get to an even higher place of self-love and care.

One is about what we need to do to be accepted and loved outside of ourselves. The other is about how we can love ourselves and care for ourselves in such a way that we become everything our endless potential can see us being.

Do you see the difference? That missing piece, begins and ends with you. You cannot expect anyone else to do this for you. Remember that feeling you get when you're in love, when someone loves you back for you, that you finally have that feeling that you can do anything? That's what I'm talking about here.

You don't need to be loved by anyone outside of yourself to have that same feeling. That is the feeling that loving yourself and having that kind of self-respect and self-confidence brings into your life. You are not an impostor if you have it within yourself. You have simply discovered the secret that most people don't even realize has been right there within themselves all along.

You.

The real beautiful, confident, radiant, you!

He's Going to Fall For You

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Ladies, it's time to stop worrying about what you said or didn't say, what you did or didn't do, or any of those other regrets you have when you feel like things aren't going well. It doesn't matter.

None of those things really matter.

They are of no significance in the realm where the kind of attraction we're seeking takes place, where the true seeds of love are sown.

It's time to stand up for that inner person of you, instead of breaking her down. It's time to stop beating yourself up and being so hard on yourself. It's time to stop regretting all those things you do that you seem to have such a hard time not doing.

Dwelling on all of these only brings you down and makes you feel worse about yourself and your current state of affairs. It doesn't serve you one bit to stay in that place where there is no self-love, no remembering all that you are and all that you have to offer someone, no honoring of your you.

Because the point here is that when you cross paths with that special one who is looking for you as much as you are looking for him, it won't be those little things that you think are going to make or break the relationship. He won't be looking so closely at those things you love to hate about yourself; he'll be looking at who you are, what makes you uniquely you, the essence of you!

That's what attracts him, calls him over, causes him to take a second look in your direction. And that's what gets him to stay.

It's your aura, your energy, your essence.

And the more you are in touch with who you really are and all those aspects of your personality, your temperament, your heart, your soul, everything that is unique to you, the more someone looking for someone just like you will be able to see all of you come shining through. You see, the key to attracting someone who is worthy of our love, and all that we have to offer is to first see ourselves in the beautiful light of our very essence.

Exactly what attracts him to us is what we must first discover in ourselves. It's only when we see ourselves in this same light, with love and acceptance instead of hate and rejection, that he will be able to see us in this same way, too.

We all have those things about ourselves we want to change.

But there's a difference between loathing the person we see in the mirror and working towards becoming our best selves. One view knocks us down. The other view sees us rising to become the person we truly are underneath all the layers of our defenses and our pretenses.

It's time to stop all this focusing on everything outside of ourselves and come back in to that beautiful place deep inside that's been vacant for far too long. That place where the inner light of you gives up settling for the dim light of mediocrity and refuses to settle for anything less than the glorious illuminating light that is your birthright!

Find that essence within yourself and the one who's meant to find you will find it too. And when he falls for you, he'll be falling for the real you.

Your essence.

When You're Ready For a Change

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When it's time to make a change, start with external changes and use those to drive the necessary internal changes. — Photo Credit: Copyright (c) 123RF Stock Photos

When I first moved down to Southern California from Vancouver, Canada it was because I was desperately in need of a change. I was tired of being single. Almost all my friends were married, and the ones who were single were stuck in the same negative patterns, bringing themselves down and me down with them.

I felt like I had exhausted the supply of any men worth dating out there and I was tired of repeating the same old patterns over and over again with the same kind of princes who always turned out to be frogs. Attracting emotionally unavailable men, however promising and full of potential they seemed, had become my MO and was taking a toll on my self-esteem. I was starting to question whether there really was something wrong with me after all, and was beginning to wonder whether I would ever find someone compatible who would want to be with me as much as I wanted to be with him!

California seemed so full of promise; the promise of a new life, of a sort of rebirth, and I felt it calling to me even as I had visited there and found everything falling into place to make the move to this new life. I was sure this was going to be the beginning of my new life.

What I found, however, was that although everything was new and exciting, I was still attracting a very similar kind of man. One that I soon came to recognize as the same kind I had been attracting back in my old hometown. The realization struck me that even though I had made such a huge change in my move, I was still the same me. I was still the same person with the same subconscious needs that were still attracting the same type of men in this new location, even though everything externally was different.

I suddenly realized that even though I had made such a big external change, and had gotten a whole new look, and a new wardrobe and a new career, I was essentially the same person inside. It was no wonder I was still attracting the same thing; I had changed the exterior things of myself, but I hadn’t gotten to the root of the source. The me deep down inside with all of the baggage I had accumulated over my entire life to that point and time in my life. And no changes to the external were going to bring about the kind of true change I was looking for until I finally figured that out.

And this is what I ultimately discovered: While external change can often be the impetus for true change, providing the inspiration to give us the motivation to change course, it is only when we look within ourselves to make those internal changes within ourselves, that we can expect to start attracting something different in our lives and creating a truly new life for ourselves. Without that internal shift in consciousness, we can’t expect any external changes to automatically bring about the changes in our relationships that we’re looking for. Until we figure that out, we are only bringing our old selves along with us.

So, if you feel that urge to change your life up, try out a new city or even country, to remake yourself, by all means go ahead and follow that new path and make those external changes that give you a fresh new start to your life. But along the way, remember that making that fresh start and breaking those all too familiar relationship patterns that aren’t working is all about helping you do the internal work of looking honestly and lovingly at yourself and who you really are, and asking yourself those deep questions we talked about in our last post. It's about letting go of what's not working, and finding yourself.

It’s never easy to be honest with ourselves and face some of our toughest decisions where love and relationships are concerned, but it’s the only way to start bringing something different into our lives, and ultimately someone worthy of the kind of love we have to offer.

Tomorrow is a New Day

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Just like we are so hard on ourselves, many of us (myself included) find it all too easy to look back at the past with so many regrets at what we could have done differently in a given situation.

While we can always learn from our past experiences and determine to do something differently the next time, the harm comes in getting so caught up in that past, beating ourselves up in the process, that we forget that tomorrow truly is a new day. A day to do things differently. A day to celebrate ourselves and all that we are, including our imperfections and shortcomings.

These things make us human, they make us real, and one day they will even endear us to that special someone who will truly love us unconditionally.

I still remember the night when my single girlfriend and I were at a local restaurant after a social event, and we saw two guys who had also been at that event. We both found them attractive and thought they looked interesting, and we went back and forth wondering how we might break the ice and meet them. They both seemed to be in a deep conversation with each other, although they seemed to look over in our direction a few times, enough for us to think they might be interested in meeting us, too.

We noticed that there were no rings on their fingers and they certainly seemed open and friendly enough in their body language, but they never took that step to come over and talk to us, despite our clearly inviting signals and body language.

It was soon time for us to leave, so we walked past them on our way out, smiled one more time and said hello. They both smiled and said "hi", but nothing more.

On our way home we wondered if we should have said or done anything more to open up a conversation, or even gone as far as walking up to them and striking up a conversation ourselves, instead of hoping for them to make a move. We stayed stuck in that depressing world of "what if" and the "what could have been", each in our own individual way, for far too long.

Finally we both realized that it simply didn't really matter. We decided to leave the world of "what if" and come back to the world of "what is". We realized that if it was meant to be, if either one of these guys were meant to be with us, we would meet again.

And more importantly, we realized the hard, cold truth of the matter: If either one of them had been interested in either one of us, they could have (and most likely would have) initiated a conversation with us. It wasn't all about us.

The point is, thinking about the past, focusing on what we could have or should have done differently, doesn't get us anywhere. Learning from that past, building on our previous experiences with new knowledge and new levels of comfort does.

Beating ourselves up over things we cannot change about the past, dwelling on what we wish we had done differently doesn't.

So look at the past, and all of those things you might have wanted to do differently, as learning points. If you feel, based on your past experiences, that you need to do something different, then do it. If you're not sure, then listen deeply to your heart and not all the shoulds or other people, and you'll find you have that answer deep down inside.

It's all a journey. We learn. We experience.

We find ourselves in situations where we wish we had done something different. And we learn again. We resolve to do things differently and then we learn the important life lessons that bring us through to the next season of our lives. And we fall back into old patterns from time to time. It's that three steps forward, two steps back type of learning that we find so frustrating, yet is so necessary to finding our way on our own time, at our own pace, at a timing that is unique to us and no one else.

And always allow yourself the gift of a fresh start.

Accepting What Is

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As I mentioned in the last post, we've recently relocated across the country, which is why I haven't posted in a while. While we were packing our things for our cross-country trek I looked through my bookcase for a few books to read on the way, and I came across a true gem that I hadn't read in a while. It's a book by Melody Beattie, one of my favorite all-time authors, called The Language of Letting Go

As I read her beautiful words once again, I thought about the whole idea of letting go. And what the point is. And how that helped me when I was doing everything except letting go. And I wanted to share some thoughts on that with you here. Because what I realized letting go is really all about, is control. The control we believe or think we have over situations, people and circumstances. Because the reality is, we really don’t have control over almost everything outside of ourselves. But the other part of that reality is, we really do have control over what we think and do about things within ourselves. And that’s why letting go is so difficult to do.

In her book, Melody Beattie defined letting go in this sense that we're talking about, as the process that happens when we stop looking at the past or the future, but instead focus on our reality today and how that frees us up to let life happen without struggling so hard to control outcomes that we really have no control over in the first place. Like waiting around for someone to come around and make a commitment instead of accepting the reality of what is right now. Like looking back on a past relationship with such regret and shame that we didn’t do something different if only we had known better. Like believing that if we were just more of something it would mean he would finally give us the commitment we’re looking for. Like looking at what could be instead of accepting what is. Falling in love with someone's potential, instead of who they really are right now.

The memories of my own struggle with letting go came flooding back to me as I remembered my own scenarios where I clung so hard to that false illusion of control that I thought I held over yet another him and yet another circumstance if I could only be something different from what I was. Yet another scenario destined for heartbreak because I had yet again missed the point of it all – that to release him, and to release any outcomes and instead focus on myself and what is, I would have discovered I didn’t need to do anything different with myself except to accept myself and all that I was and in that process finally get that there was nothing wrong with me and learn to love myself in that process.

Because letting go is really about letting go of that illusion. Accepting what is. Without trying to control it and hang on so hard to what we really think can be. But isn’t. And won’t be. Until we learn to release it. And release him. And the relationship, if there even really is one. And if there isn’t, it’s about accepting that to. And learning that we don’t have to change anything about ourselves. That it’s about embracing ourselves and finding out who we really are and what we’re really looking for. And always keeping in mind what we truly deserve. And refusing to settle for anything less than that.

Because where it’s really at, is focusing on ourselves and getting in touch with where we’re at and what we want out of life instead of focusing on everyone else. Melody talked about this in her book as well, as she revealed “I used to spend so much time reacting and responding to everyone else that my life had no direction. Other people's lives, problems, and wants set the course for my life. Once I realized it was okay for me to think about and identify what I wanted, remarkable things began to take place in my life”. And that’s what we so often forget. It’s more than OK to think about ourselves; it’s actually the key to learning to truly love ourselves and invite love into our lives.

It’s a simple concept, but one of the hardest things to do, especially when we’re caught in the thick of it. So today, the next time you find yourself thinking about what you could have done differently, what you should have known better to do, what you’re beating yourself up about, what you know it could be if only he or you or your circumstances were different, stop. Just stop right where you are. Take a deep breath. Let yourself feel whatever your feeling. And breathe again. Keep feeling your feelings. Then let it go. All of it. All the hoping. All the wishing. All the if onlys and the what ifs and the why nots. And just accept that what it is. Right now. And let it all out.

It’s hard to accept reality, I know that all too well. But it’s only in that acceptance, in that present mind thinking that we can truly move on to the productive side of things where we actually start focusing on you and what is true right now. And that’s where everything real begins.

It’s the fine art of letting go, letting be, and accepting what is.

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Are You Happy?

The Missing Piece

You don’t feel any different.

It all begins with a shift.

It's time to change our self-talk.

More than enough.

You.

He's Going to Fall For You

When You're Ready For a Change

Tomorrow is a New Day

Accepting What Is

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