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Are You Being Too Picky, Or Not Picky Enough?

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Are you being too picky, or not picky enough?

You may think you're refusing to settle, when in reality you're settling for less than what you really want.

I recently reconnected with a friend of mine from my single, dating days. Back then she and I were searching for Mr. Right together, and we spent a lot of time discussing the men we were dating and analyzing our various relationships.

This woman is beautiful, talented, funny, very hip and is a lot of fun to be around. She's now in her mid-forties.

She's also single.

Too picky?

It really got me thinking about the idea of being picky, and not settling for less than you want.

We both had our lists. Not necessarily written lists (although I had various versions of written lists over the years), but we always carried with us in our minds subconscious lists of our must haves that were the driving force behind deciding whether or not to get involved with a particular guy.  Continue Reading

Do You Have Too Much Emotional Baggage?

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Unpack your bags - don't let the memory of your ex get in the way of a new healthy relationship
Don't bring too much baggage to your next relationship

Don't let the memory of your ex be the "third wheel" in your new relationship.

This is the seventh post in our series 8 Signs You Aren't Ready for a Relationship.

We all have unpacked emotional baggage from our past relationships, and it's difficult, if not impossible, to completely get rid of it; that's just being human. But if you find yourself still pining for, very angry with, or otherwise consumed with emotion over your ex, you need to get past it before you'll be able to be in a new healthy relationship.

It's totally normal to take time to heal from a major heartbreak, and the greater the love there once was, the longer it takes. Make sure that you are treating yourself right by giving yourself that time.

If you're not sure that you're over your ex, ask yourself the following questions and be completely honest with your answers (after all, you're the only one that will hear them):

Too Much Emotional Baggage

Do you find yourself wanting to call (or actually calling) your ex just to see how he's doing?

When you see your ex out at a social event, do you find yourself drawn towards him and wanting to flirt with him?

When you're out with others, including on a date, do you often find yourself talking about your ex, either in a good or bad way?

Do you find that you are still feeling emotionally fragile from your breakup?

Are you still angry or do you still cry when you think about how you were treated or how you were rejected?

Are you going out of your way to remain "friends" with your ex in order to maintain contact with him?

If you answered yes to any of these, as difficult as it may be, you need to make a clean break from your ex and let your heart heal so that you'll be able to move on to the relationship that you are meant to have.

The Rebound Relationship

I remember it all too well. Even though all of the advice I was reading said the same thing: don’t get into a new relationship until you’re over the last one; avoid the rebound; take your time to get over the one you’re getting over; it didn't matter. I just wanted the pain of the heartbreak to go away, and it seemed like the only thing that could make me feel any better was finding someone else to replace the last one, as quickly as possible.

And so each time it would end, sometimes even before it actually ended (but I could see that the end was coming), I would put all my effort into meeting someone else who could get my mind off of it and make the pain and hurt go away. Then I could tell myself (and maybe even tell my ex if I was really feeling hurt) that it didn't matter because there was already someone else. Somehow I felt like that would validate me, my worth, and show him just how insane he was for letting me go, because, see! Someone else wants me!

Of course the problem was that the replacement guy wasn't really the guy I wanted to be with. The guy I wanted to be with was the guy that broke my heart. So instead of taking my mind off of the sadness and heartbreak of the relationship that had ended, the new guy just made me think about all of the things that I missed about my ex.

When the new guy failed to measure up to what I felt the other one was, it would just confirm to me that I really had missed out and messed up a relationship that, at least in my mind, could have been the one. But of course the truth was that the previous relationship wasn't really all that, and I was just romanticizing the good times (as often happens when we feel something has been taken from us) and only remembering the positives in an idealistic way. (Yes, I'm very guilty of being idealistic, as my husband gently reminds me of even now when I was going on and on about how wonderful my childhood home was. That is, until we recently visited there and I found it was not quite what I remembered!)

Eventually I’d see that the new guy wasn’t what I really wanted either, and that would bring an end to something that really should never have started in the first place.  And then I would be all alone once again, feeling even worse than before, particularly if I had broken the new guy's heart in the process.

Change The Behavior

I finally got it, that this wasn’t working.  This was no way to live.  I wish I could say I figured it out early on, but I didn’t.  So take comfort if you’re still stuck in that place of looking for a rebound relationship to feel better.  It takes a while to learn new healthy behaviors, especially when it’s been a routine temporary bandage to help quell the pain that only another woman with a breaking heart can know.  So don’t beat yourself up, but do your best to change this unhealthy behavior.

So what do you do?

Just know that if you're trying to get your ex out of your head, make a clean break from him. If you can't completely break from him, for example if you work together, then set boundaries so that you are only interacting with him on a level that's as limited as possible. Then focus on your own needs until you feel that you're: a.) Not wanting to get back together with him and b.) You're no longer angry about what happened.

Take a break from any kind of relationship or dating until you get to this point. It usually helps to realize that the fact that the relationship ended means that it was not the right relationship for you to be in, and it means that you saved yourself greater heartache down the road.

Of course if you meet a guy during this time that has real potential, and you find that he not only takes your mind off of your ex but he completely makes you forget about your ex or even makes you happy that the relationship ended, then by all means go for it! Just make sure that you're starting the relationship for the right reasons, and that you're not getting into it to try to forget about your ex, because it just doesn't work that way.

Next post in this series: Stop Trying To Be Something You're Not?

Are You Looking for Someone to Complete You?

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Are you looking for someone to complete you?While those three words, "You Complete Me," are beautifully romantic, here's why actually feeling that way is just not healthy.

This is the fifth post in our series 8 Signs You Aren't Ready for a Relationship.

Ever since the mid 90's when the box office hit romantic comedy Jerry Maguire coined the phrase "You complete me," those three words have been bandied about by star struck lovers all over the world. And as much as I love the phrase and the romantic notions it evokes - the idea of two becoming one, the circle becoming complete, of two people so connected that they would be incomplete, broken, without the other - the truth is, well, it's just not healthy.

A much better catch phrase would have been "You complement me," but I'm guessing that would not have brought in as many millions at the box office, been plastered on everything from greeting cards to posters to puzzles, or have been the title of many hit singles from country to R&B.

But at least it would have been a good description of what a healthy relationship looks like.

So, when you're in a relationship, feel free to continue to use the phrase as a modern day equivalent of "I love you." Scribble it on a love note you leave in your partners luggage when he goes away on a business trip, text it to him while he's in a meeting, or leave it on a post-it note on his bathroom mirror so he thinks of how wonderful you are while he's shaving.

Just don't actually live those words.

Do You Have an Empty Life?

So how do you know if you just like the romantic ideals and feelings that these words evoke or you actually have an emotional emptiness inside that you're looking for a partner to fill?

Ask yourself the following questions, and answer yourself honestly:

Do you feel like your life has no direction or purpose when you are not in a relationship?

Do you typically take on the viewpoints, opinions, beliefs and values of your partner instead of thinking through difficult issues yourself?

Do you typically find that all of your friends are those that you have had mutually with a partner, and that you don't have any close friends as an individual?

Do you find that you don't have any activities or interests that you are passionate about, other than those that you share with your partner?

When in a relationship, do you find it very uncomfortable or unpleasant to do things or socialize without your partner?

If you answered yes to any of these, you may be on an unhealthy path looking for (or currently in a relationship with) a partner that is there to fill your life with what you are lacking.

Never Good Enough

It's not uncommon. Many of us have parts of our lives, parts of ourselves, that we just don't think are good enough, maybe that we don't believe we're good at, that we subconsciously look to fill by finding a partner who is good at those things.

Where does this come from? Mostly from those seemingly harmless and well-intentioned childhood messages we’re so often given of "No, don't do it that way, that way's wrong, " or "You’re not good at that, you’re better at this," that eventually chip away at our confidence and  lead us to believe there really is something wrong with us, and that we really do need someone outside of ourselves to handle these things we find difficult.

If we believe we are inferior, that there really is inherently something lacking within us, we’re going to be looking for a completer instead of an equal.  Someone who we need rather than someone who we want to share our lives with.  Do you see the difference?  Needing someone doesn't equate to loving someone, or being loved.

Too often we spend our time focused on finding someone who we hope will magically step into our lives and make everything better for us, rather than looking within ourselves at what it is we believe we’re lacking and working on finding that within ourselves first.

When I finally figured this out and embarked on a mission to become within myself what I had been looking for outside of myself, I was finally able to raise the level of my self-esteem and build up my own inner strength. I then no longer found myself attracted to, or attracting, the same type of unhealthy men that I had been so drawn to before.

Of course we all long for love, for someone to share the beautiful (and not so beautiful) moments in life with, for someone to share our love with, and that's totally normal and healthy. The difference is that when you are healthy, you are feeling full of life and full of love to start with, and you are only looking for someone to share in that life and love romantically. You're not looking for someone to fill empty spaces in your life, or empty spaces in your personality, or empty spaces in your schedule, you're only looking for someone to fill that empty space in your heart.

Fill Your Cup

A real relationship, a great relationship, is about two people who are already complete, in and of themselves, joining to form something tremendous, and mutually beneficial to both. The masculine is complete in his masculinity, and the feminine is complete in her femininity, and together they complement each other to form something even better.

In any healthy relationship you need to give as much as you take. When you are full of life and love you have a lot of love to give to the relationship, you have a full cup to pour from, to add energy into the relationship.  When you are not full you are looking to take from the relationship, and you are drawing off of the other person's cup, taking that energy away.

There is always that give and take, but if your cup is nearly empty to start with you won't be able to add to the relationship, and you will only be drawing off of the cup of your partner, eventually draining it as well. At that point the relationship cannot sustain itself, and it crumbles.

The interesting thing is that when you bring a lot of love to the relationship, you will attract a partner who is full also, and you will both have more love than you started with.

So if you're feeling like you need a relationship to fill up some voids in your life, step back, take a break from the seeking, and look within. Understand what it is that you're lacking in your own life – whether it be socializing, someone to discuss your thoughts and philosophies with, someone to laugh with – and fill those need by finding friends, confidants, and connecting with family or other social groups. Fill that need now, yourself, outside of a romantic relationship.

Once your emotional cup is full you will be ready to have a healthy, romantic relationship that's simply overflowing...with love.

Next post in this series: Don't Spend All of Your Time Hunting

Do You Need a Man in Your Life to Feel Happy?

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Forming deep connections with other people is a very real human need.
Make the most of your precious solo time by deepening and strengthening your connections with friends and family.

Your anxiety may be causing you to waste something very precious.

This is the second post in our series 8 Signs You Aren't Ready for a Relationship. I'm going to spend the next week or two delving into each of these more deeply, one by one, and discussing what you can do to make sure that you are ready for a relationship when your Mr. Right comes along.

Do You Need a Man to Feel Happy?

Do you find yourself turning down invitations to social functions because you don't have a date to bring? Are you the type of woman who needs to know you have a new boyfriend lined up before you will break it off with your current guy? When you find yourself single do you spend all of your time on the hunt for your next boyfriend that hopefully will lift you out of your depressed funk?

Of course most women, including me, are just much happier when in a relationship than when single. I mean, who doesn’t want to have someone with whom to watch the sunset, curl up on the couch and watch a movie, or share a home cooked meal? That’s totally understandable, totally normal, and totally human. We’re programmed for connection; we’re social creatures.

The problem arises when you find being single so depressing, so lonely, so, well, awful that you fall into the trap of getting into a relationship that’s not what you really want just to avoid feeling lonely. The problem with getting in (and worse, staying in) a relationship because you feel that it’s better than being alone is that you've just thrown a major roadblock in the way of finding true happiness.

You've basically locked yourself into a less than satisfying situation just to avoid what might, right now, feel like a worse situation. The risk is that you may find that you've locked yourself into this mediocre situation possibly for life. And that’s a long time.

So it’s time for you to break free of the chains of feeling like you need to be with a guy in order to feel good about yourself. The key is to learn to enjoy these alone times and stop wasting this valuable, precious time that could be well spent in discovering your true self, pursuing your own interests, and making new connections. Look at this time that you are unencumbered by a relationship as the gift that it truly is – the gift of time to do everything that you've wanted to do without being tied down by a relationship.

Find Your Community

One reason many women find it depressing to be single is because they don’t have anyone that they feel deeply connected to. It’s very important to have a sense of connection with other people and to know that there are others out there that care about you, support you, and love you. If you have this in your life in the form of family and friends, you won’t need to rely quite so heavily on a boyfriend to fill that very real human need. If you feel that you desperately need a boyfriend then chances are you don’t currently have this type of deep connection in your life. It’s time to build some.

An excellent goal is to have three to five people in your life that you feel deeply connected to; people that you can rely on to be there for you when you need to cry, scream, vent or just talk. Unfortunately, in our modern times with all of the theoretical connection that we have via email, Facebook, and the like, the reality is that most of us don’t feel deeply connected to anyone. While having three to five people is an excellent long term goal, it’s critically important to have at least one.

Be a Friend to Have a Friend

If you find yourself with no one to share your feelings with, and share in their feelings, then you need to start developing a friendship like this. The best way to build friendships is by being a friend. Reach out to others, find people that are in need of help and help them. If you have some old friends that you haven’t talked to in a while, pick up the phone and give them a call. Set up a time to meet them for coffee or to drop by their house for a visit. Go out of your way to meet them where they are.

I know this personally from when I was single and many of my long time girlfriends got married and started families. I felt deserted. I felt as though they had just disappeared on me, but the truth is that having a new family can be very overwhelming. I found that when I went out of my way to make it easy for them to see me, by stopping by their house and playing with their kids while we visited, we were able to connect and talk fairly easily. And the best part was that they loved me for it, because it provided a welcome distraction for their kids and some time for them to talk to another adult for a change.

Release Your Anxiety

Many times the entire reason for feeling depressed when you’re single is because of the underlying anxiety that you just might not find anyone. But what would being single feel like if you knew that you were guaranteed to find the man of your dreams within a year or so? Would that change how you view being single? You’d probably then be able to relax and really enjoy your single time. You’d find things that are pleasurable and fun for you that you could either do on your own or with your friends and family.

That’s exactly what being single should feel like. Look at it as a vacation from a relationship, and know in your heart that the man of your dreams is waiting for you just around the corner. Because if you can relax, release your anxiety, and really start enjoying your life and your current freedom you’ll be happier, more fun, more interesting and more social. And all of these can only help you to find the love you’re looking for.

Next post in this series: Are You a Rescuer?

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