Getting to TRUE Love

It's Time to Be Selfish

I know; we've all been brought up to be very good little girls. And we've become very well-behaved women. We learned well that we were to put others needs before our own, and not be selfish. And we've done just that, haven't we.

We're oh so good at meeting everyone's needs except our own. We know all too well how to take care of other people, especially the men in our lives that we've made so many excuses for over the years. We can cater to everyone else with an amazing sensitivity to what they need, and we know how to make them feel good about themselves.

But in the process there's someone whose needs we've overlooked over and over and over again; yes, I'm talking about you. And the role you play all too well. At the expense of yourself and your own needs.Continue Reading

Beautiful Goodbye

6 Comments

Sad beautiful woman checking phone after boyfriend broke up with her over text. — With each goodbye we lose hope.

I recently went searching for a song that I couldn't quite remember but couldn’t get out of my head, and I finally found it… A Beautiful Goodbye, by Amanda Marshall. She's a Canadian singer from a decade or so ago whose passion for life and love came through over and over again in her songs.

It got me thinking about the goodbyes that we all experience in our lives, the ones that let go of us, the ones we let go of, and the ones we should let go of and don't, and I realized that these lyrics just said everything that I was thinking about perfectly.

I turned up the volume and found myself going back in time. Back to my own painful goodbyes that were so rarely of my own choosing, but were all part of my learning and growing process, even if nothing could have convinced me of that at the time. As I listened to each of her words, everything came flooding back in a swell of tears and emotion.

It made me realize that every time there had been a goodbye, a goodbye that seemed so insignificant to him, every single time, was so painfully heart wrenching for me. As if he had just reached into me and torn my heart right out. For him, it always seemed, it was nothing more than a casual goodbye. And many times there wasn't even a formal goodbye - it just more or less dissolved until it was apparent to me that we just weren't dating any more. I was left alone again with nothing but my broken heart.

But for all of their casual nonchalance, for me it was nothing less than my world crashing down around me. It wasn’t just about me having to let go of yet another relationship that hadn’t kept up to its full potential (which was more of my own making in my own fantasy in my head, than the reality of what the relationship actually was), it was about losing my hopes, my dreams, my fantasies; all those things that little girl inside of me still believed, still wanted. And with each goodbye, with each end, I was losing hope.

As I finished listening to the song, I imagined all the pain and heartbreak of every woman who has ever experienced that kind of goodbye, where she doesn’t realize that it’s not just about the end of a relationship, but in some way, it’s actually the end of a little bit more of her. I don’t think it’s just an accident that Amanda Marshall is singing from a rooftop in the video, or that the scraps of paper are falling to the ground below, or that the wine glass finally falls so gracefully, yet forcefully from the sky to shatter into a million pieces on the ground below, just like our hearts. It's never just about a goodbye, it's about so much more than that. It's our very hearts and souls on the line.

How is it that we allow someone into our lives with such ease and without questioning whether or not they are worthy of being in any kind of a relationship with us before we let them in? How do we forget that we are worth so much more than that? What about you? What about your life? Your passions? Your soul? Your gifts to the world? Your you!

These men who end up saying goodbye, or who never say the words but just disappear from our lives, are so not worthy of any of those beautiful parts of your heart and soul! It's time to let them go. To stop letting them in in the first place. It's time to take back your own power, even if it feels like you no longer have any. It's still all there. It might be buried so deep down inside that you've forgotten you have any, but believe me, it's still there.

This is about you now. It's time to start making choices that are in the best interests of you. So let them go.

Stop the settling for anything less than you deserve to be treated. If he doesn’t treat you like the beautiful woman you are, refuse to settle for those kinds of crumbs. Be absolutely clear first with yourself on how exactly you deserve to be treated, and get that crystal clear before you even accept a date with a guy, and then, and only then, observe his character, see how he treats you - what he says and does - and don’t give him anything of yourself until he shows you that he’s worthy of all that you have to offer. Not anything.

Let him prove his worth to you. Let him show you what he has to offer. Watch and observe. Don’t give yourself away. Not emotionally, not physically, not mentally, not in any way no matter how amazing he seems. Until you know him well enough to consider letting him in. And then only on your terms. Not on his. Because you are the one who has worth. You are the one with everything to offer. Let him prove to you that he is deserving of you, not the other way around.

You, beautiful, radiant, loving you, deserve nothing less than this!

Boundaries

11 Comments

Here's what you need to know to get him to respect your boundaries.

Looking back, I realize that one of the things that most contributed to my many rocky relationship roller coaster rides was the whole thing about boundaries, or, more accurately, the lack thereof.

Although there are many different definitions and ideas out there about what boundaries are and aren’t (and a whole bunch of self-help books on that exact subject to go along with it), the simplest way to think of boundaries regarding these relationships we’re in is this question: At what point do we stand up and let someone know we are not okay with something they are doing?

Sound simple?

Why Hasn't He Called?

19 Comments

A beautiful woman is sitting On Couch At Home anxiously looking at her phone wondering why he hasn't responded. — I thought we hit it off - why hasn't he called me?

Of all the questions I'm asked, the most common one is about what to do when he hasn't called. There's something about that unfinished business, about being left hanging without an explanation that leaves even the most confident of us wondering what we did wrong, and whether or not we should try to contact him to elicit some kind of an answer.

We all share the same story line: You met a great guy, you really hit it off, maybe even went on a date or two, then nothing. No phone call, no explanation, just a silent phone. Every time the phone rings your heart rate shoots up as you grab for your phone, only to see that it's your friend or your Mom calling, as your hearts sinks back into your stomach (sorry Mom!)

It's the same story.

The other part of the story that is always the same, is that we've convinced ourselves our situation is unique, unlike every other woman's experience with the guy who hasn't called. But the reality is that our story is exactly the same as all of the many, many women around the world, and through the ages, that have experienced the same thing. We just don't want to hear it or believe it.Continue Reading

Fireworks!

2 Comments

On this most American of all American holidays, as I prepare to enjoy the festivities of this beautiful Summer day, culminating in a grand display of fireworks lighting up the night sky over the bay late this evening, I can't help but think of the meaning of fireworks as it pertains to our love lives. Why is it that we refer to that initial feeling of love, those butterflies, that excitement, as fireworks? It’s probably because the explosive, beautiful, surprising, loud, scary exhilaration we feel when watching fireworks is the closest we can come to describing that feeling of early love that we all so long for.

Instant fireworks.

You see, I used to think that if there weren't some instant fireworks, that instant chemistry between me and a guy, well then there just wasn't any reason to continue seeing him. What I didn't get back then, was that those incredible fireworks that made my heart all aflutter and gave me butterflies in my stomach was actually more about the initial surface attraction and infatuation than about any real intimate connection. It's more about our own insecurities and the elation of being chosen than it is about anything to do with real love.

When I think of some of the guys who I never gave a second chance to, much less a second date, because they didn't elicit those feelings in me, I realize that they might have very well been the ones who would have made the wonderful, caring husband that I truly wanted, as well as the wonderful, caring father to my future children. The irony is that the ones that were off the Richter scale for me in terms of fireworks, were the ones who were the least healthy, were the most into playing games, and were the fastest to fizzle out after that initial display quickly turned into the grand finale, after which we found ourselves with little in common.

Are early fireworks necessary?

The end result was always the same, with me holding onto nothing more than that initial feeling, hoping to somehow build a relationship around something with no real substance. Of course that never happened, and each experience only made me waste more time and energy on someone that wasn't right for me while I was missing out on a possible real relationship with someone who had so much more beneath the surface to offer me, only for the lack of initial fireworks.

What I realized in the end, looking back now on those days, was that what I really should have been looking for was a balance between the two. Enough attraction to make me interested (because we all know that there needs to be at least some level of he's kind of cute), but more of the real thing underneath all the hoopla that we often are programmed by the media and our fairy tales to believe love is all about.

No substance.

All too often we think that if we don't have all that in the beginning, there's nothing there worth pursuing. But the exact opposite is true. There's nothing more exciting than discovering how attractive and how amazing a connection you can have based on the type of intimacy and attraction that comes from getting to know a real person who is into you as much as you're into them. A real person who is kind, caring, and connects with you on a deep level.

The problem is that we often don't get to the point where we can actually experience that kind of attraction and real love because we get so hung up on having that connection right off the bat. Think about what your girlfriends ask when you go out with a guy for the first time: Were there sparks? Did you feel it? We're so programmed to look at the surface parts of what we call love that we don't even realize that no relationship can ever be sustained over time with just those initial fireworks. Without the substance of a true solid foundation, those fireworks will be over as quickly as tonight's grand finale.

It's about so much more than that.

It's about so much more than initial fireworks. It's about the real thing underneath. The stuff that really matters at the end of the day. Because at the end of the day, what matters is how much he loves you, how much he cares about you, how much he's willing to participate in a marriage partnership with you where both of you share the responsibilities of running a home and possibly raising a family together. The stuff of real life with its messy moments as much as the fun times. That's real love.

And trust me, once you find that deep connection, the fireworks are better than you can imagine.

It Takes Time

2 Comments

Beautiful lonely girl dreamin and thinking while waiting for date in the city ocean pier at sunset time. — And courage.

Any type of positive change is a process that takes place over a period of time - be gentle with yourself and allow yourself that time.

In thinking about my last post about things I would do differently knowing what I now know, I realized that I forgot to mention something very important - this process took me a long time. And I didn't find the love of my life right after I started changing what I was doing. It took time.

Changing yourself takes time.

This learning about ourselves and getting to the roots of why we keep attracting the wrong guys takes time. This looking deep within to figure out why. This learning to start saying no to the ones we've come to call our type and to start opening our eyes to the ones who just might be our real type. It all takes time. This is all the work of getting in touch with ourselves and charting a new path to ourselves first, and then to another human being. It's never quick or painless.

Awareness is the first step.

Awareness is always the first step, but the actual change in who we're attracting, the types of men we're still attracted to, the deeply ingrained patterns and habits of ourselves and our relationships and the way we date, the way we are with this whole meeting and attracting and relating to men in healthy, confident ways - this all takes time. And courage. And strength. And energy. And the ability to be honest with ourselves and others. To be real. To refuse to give up when it seems to be taking too long and we're not seeing any tangible progress.

I remember when I began having all those aha moments as I began reading the first self-help books I would discover after the end of my most devastating break-up. I figured I was breaking so much ground with understanding what had happened and why, that I would surely start attracting a healthier guy and relationship the very next time. But it didn't happen like that. He was still almost the same guy, just a different name and look, because I still hadn't gotten to the deep roots of my dating and attraction patterns. That would take much longer; much more work, much more uncovering what was really going on with my patterns and types. Because change like this always takes time.

Two steps forward, one step back.

So think of it as two steps forward, one step backward. Baby steps. Change takes time. Getting real and honest and applying what our inner self knows to be true about what we really deserve and living like we actually believe it, takes time. Learning to say no when all we want is to be loved, takes time. Learning to respect ourselves enough to let something with so much potential walk away when it's hurting us more often than it's loving us, takes time. Learning to take a chance on something new and different when we're not feeling it right away, takes time. Learning to put ourselves first instead of deferring to what he wants, takes time. Learning to refuse to settle for those crumbs that can feel oh so good, takes time. Remembering who we are, all that we have to offer, and that we deserve nothing less than someone who loves us the way we are so deserving to be loved, takes time.

Go easy on yourself.

So if it's taking you longer than you'd like to realize and really understand these truths, be gentle with yourself. Forgive yourself. And know that reminding yourself as often as possible that you are beautiful (you are!), you deserve to be loved (it's true!), and that you have amazing gifts to bring into a relationship (you do!), will make it real.

M	T	W	T	F	S	S
						1
2	3	4	5	6	7	8
9	10	11	12	13	14	15
16	17	18	19	20	21	22
23	24	25	26	27	28	29
30

It's Time to Be Selfish

Beautiful Goodbye

Boundaries

Sound simple?

Why Hasn't He Called?

It's the same story.

Fireworks!

Instant fireworks.

Are early fireworks necessary?

No substance.

It's about so much more than that.

It Takes Time

Changing yourself takes time.

Awareness is the first step.

Two steps forward, one step back.

Go easy on yourself.

Latest Tweets

Recent Comments

Calendar