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Relationships

The Relationships category contains posts regarding the stage after dating, in which you are generally in an exclusive monogamous relationship. The Relationships category includes posts on such topics as meeting the family, commitment, is he the right one for you?, etc.

Am I the Problem?

2 Comments

Beautiful woman sitting on the beach, sad because of her breakup, wants to get her boyfriend back.
I must be the issue because it can't be everyone else.

I get a ton of emails but sometimes there are ones that cut right through to my heart. This one was one of them.

I read it through twice and caught my breath. How many times had I whispered exactly the same thing? How many women do I talk to who ask me the same thing?

Jane, she began, I wanted to see if I might have one (or any) email consults left with you or if not can I please buy one? 🙂

I have recently found out I'm likely on the spectrum which explains a few things but I'm really struggling with my family dynamics and feel a bit like I'm too messed up to even be friends with anyone let alone be in a relationship (which I've pretty much given up on).

I feel like I keep getting backed into corners and my health is in decline.

I have become very much a recluse and avoid seeing people because I'm either too unwell or feel like it's a waste of time because I will be rejected sooner or later (because I'm not good company - I really understand that) and it's just too painful to do it anymore so I just stay on my own.Continue Reading

Why No Contact NEVER works and what to do instead

12 Comments

Woman sad over breakup looking at mobile phone on the city bus wondering why he doesn't love her
The fastest way to get over a guy isn’t by going no contact

I know, I know.

It’s the exact opposite of what your girlfriends and everyone else tells you to do.

It’s the opposite of what every single email in your inbox says to do.

After coaching thousands of women of all ages and cultures from all over the world the past 10 years and seeing firsthand what works and what doesn’t, I stand by what I say.

The fastest way to get over a guy isn’t by going no contact.

No, that only keeps us overthinking, second-guessing, waiting, spending a ton of money on everything promised under the sun to get over him while we WAIT for some kind of miracle to happen to bring him back.

I mean, let’s be clear. We HATE no contact!

You know how many of us can actually do no contact the right way? Just about no one. If you’re the exception, that’s awesome. You can stop reading this now and move on.

But for the rest of us who can never seem to make no contact work, who keep going back to him – or at least back to thinking about him while beating ourselves up for failing at this again – more shame anyone?! – I’ve got something for you to do instead.

Stop working against yourself and start aligning with your own heart.

You CAN’T get over someone you’re having to play mind games to try to do it.

You WILL get over someone when your heart, your mind, your entire being processes how this guy treats you when you’re at your lowest point.

See, the reason why this unconventional path actually works for real, is because it’s the only way you can make this decision FOR YOURSELF. And that’s the whole point. If someone is telling you that you have to go no contact, if someone is shaming you for contacting him because you’re not supposed to, they’re the only ones who are getting over this guy, not you. You’re still wondering what he’s doing, if that last thing you were going to do might have worked, if surprising him at work might have been the only thing you needed to do, or if getting on that airplane to show up at his place might have been the one thing your relationship needed that it didn’t get.

You have to settle within yourself what going no contact will never ever settle for you.

Until then, you’re trauma bonded, attached to the shame that was put on you or just confusing him with someone else who was supposed to love you unconditionally and couldn’t.

Isn’t it time to stop listening to people who don’t understand you, who don’t get you, and only make you feel bad about yourself for being you?

Go ahead. You don’t need it, but for those of you who do, you’ve got my permission. Call him, text him, message him, drive by his house. Go get on that plane and go see him. Do whatever it is you need to do that will free you from all these regrets you’re going to have. Do the thing you’re beating yourself up already for not trying to do to get him back. I’ve got a line of women a mile long who will reassure you from their new happy relationships they got into only AFTER they stopped listening to all the advice that never resonated with them in the first place and did whatever the hell they wanted to do – you have NOTHING to lose!

How do they do this? They get over him. Fast. They stop pining for him because they don't have to wait to see more traces of the real him. They get this immediate feedback right away - they don't have to wait for it - that tells them he's an asshole. You know how much easier it is to get over an asshole than some guy who's living up to your fantasy imagination that's only in your head because you can't contact him to see how he treats you for real?

You've got this, girl. No one knows this better than you!

Love,

Jane

Now tell me in the comments below a quick 'yes' - that you're going to do whatever the hell you want to do with this guy you can't get over. It's more than time you stop listening to some bad advice that has never worked for you and start listening to your own heart that has always known better than someone selling snake oil who pretends to know better than you!

Has your dream turned into a nightmare?

3 Comments

A beautiful woman lies in bed next to her boyfriend, wondering what decision to make.
All these years I tried to make this relationship work.

Ever feel like your dream for your relationship has turned into a nightmare?

You're not alone.

One of my boyfriends bought me a book on dream interpretations because I had such vivid nightmares while we were dating. Little did he know they were about him! - and for a good reason. What my conscious mind couldn't bring myself to see, my subconscious mind couldn't NOT see.

I've heard the same from many of you in my working with you who've shared your own vivid dreams with me, so today I'm sharing Kelli's letter with you so you can feel another heart who relates to what you've been through. Here's what she wrote to me ...

Her Story:

Hi Jane,

I decided to write to you because burning the bridge on a relationship is tough and I need support.

I did walk away finally and could see why I kept hanging on.

I do know that when a healthy relationship comes along it will be such a relief.

Wishing the old relationship had turned out differently is like hanging on to a cloud.Continue Reading

Sure you still want him?

9 Comments

Man is cheating on his girlfriend texting the other woman while she sleeps in bed next to him.
This is when the real work kicks in.

Oh girl, believe me I've tried. You're not the exception and you're not going to save him.

The conversation always goes something like this.

"I get him like his ex never got him. He tells me he's never felt like this before. So how can you say I won't be the exception? How can you say I can't save him? I'm not like anyone else he's been with. Isn't that worth something?"

So let's say you are.

Let's say you really are the exception you believe you're going to be. So what then? You think that's going to be the end of it? That you get him, he commits to you, and you somehow have your happily ever after with this guy?

No, that's not the way this works. You're not home free - or free anything! - if you somehow eek a commitment out of him.

That's when the real work kicks in.

Now you have to keep him. Now you have to keep up the herculean effort it took to get him this far. The being perfect, the biting your tongue, the holding back, the keeping yourself in check, the pleasing, the performing.Continue Reading

He says he just wants to be friends

11 Comments

A man and a woman are having a serious discussion over dinner because she wants to know how he feels about her.
I just don’t know what to do.

It's never good when the guy we're into says he just wants to be friends.

Those are the words Lee didn't want to hear either. See if this sounds all too familiar to you and then tell me your own story of "the guy who says he just wants to be friends" in the comments. You're not alone!

Here's her story:

Hi Jane,

I started seeing this guy back in the summer and everything seemed to be going great. Lots of fun and enjoyment.

In August, he asked me to be exclusive and I agreed. So as time went by I noticed he was being a bit different and I was wondering why. When I asked him about us and our future he basically told me we are nothing serious but casual so I was left a bit confused by this.

Anyway, we both met on a dating app and I recently went to check was he back on it and I noticed he was.Continue Reading

What Your Anxiety Should Be Telling You

11 Comments

A beautiful woman is holding her head in her hands wondering if her boyfriend who has commitment issues is just playing games or if he wants a committed relationship.
Stop blaming yourself.

In reading your emails, there's something that always stands out for me. It's when you talk about being anxious, feeling uneasy, being sensitive and picking up on things that you don't know what to do with.

See, when you say things like that, I see something else.

I see that you know exactly what to do, even if you don't believe you do and that's why you're writing to me.

I see you knowing this guy far better than you think you do.

I see you blaming yourself for what happened in the past because it's so easy to fall into the pattern of self-blame when we've come to look at our intuitive senses as being something that's "wrong with us" instead of a gift that lets us know what's really going on when we're so wrapped in the fantasy of what someone could be if only he wanted to be that.

There's always a reason the things you see are red flags.

How could you not take them to heart? How could you have interpreted them in any other way than you did? He's rarely a bad guy, just clearly someone who's not on the same page as you.Continue Reading

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About Jane Garapick

Hi, I'm Jane Garapick. I'm here to provide inspiration, support and empowerment on the journey to true love. I know what it’s like to have a broken heart, a broken dream, and a broken you. And I know for a fact, that your dreams can still come true! Read more...
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