I know today's letter is going to resonate with so many of you who've been here before! Our beautiful friend, Janine, is trying to decide whether to get out now or to accept the terms of a guy she's fallen for who can only give her occasional once-a-month hookups. I know what I think she should do and I'm sharing it with you so you can know too!
Her Story:
Hi Jane,
Firstly, I must say how I love the pearls of wisdom you impart in your blog & on social media. After a break-up at the end of 2020….& with my current situation….so much of what you write and say really resonates with me.
Jane, I have got myself into a ‘casual’ relationship the last couple of months.
Met a man while I was away on holiday at the end of October, we have caught up twice since, even though we live 3 hours apart. We also text msg or talk on the phone most nights.
Last week I spent 3 nights with him at his place. On the last night while I was there he told me he can’t offer me more than what we’ve got now - the occasional hook-up, once a month.
Due to the distance between us, & also the fact that his job is crazy busy - he manages a holiday park & works virtually 7 days a week.
After a couple of months knowing each other, I’ve fallen for him…. & I told him that last week too.
Jane, what do you think about a casual arrangement like this? I’m worried already that eventually I’m going to get hurt, but I feel that I’m not ready to give up this man yet.
He’s lovely & funny & affectionate & charismatic…a really nice guy & very devoted to family too (..his 19 yo daughter, his elderly parents & brother).
I don’t know what to do - end things now before the probability of getting hurt….or continue on as we are, & accept our arrangement for what it is?
Would love to hear your take on this.
with thanks,
- Janine (Australia)
My Response:
Hello Janine from Australia! What a delight to meet you and thank you for your kind words! I absolutely adore my Australian coaching clients and I'm so glad you've found your way here.
What do I think about your casual relationship? I think you've already signed up for a certain amount of heartbreak here, so it really depends on what your tolerance is for that heartbreak when you find out down that road that his position hasn't changed, that he still can only give you what he's already told you.
What I really want you to know is that I most often meet women like you only after they've had their hearts broken by a man who so clearly set out his terms and what they could expect from him. They went the route of accepting his terms because he, like your guy, had all these things they loved about him and they fell for him in spite of the lack of commitment or only the promise of hook-ups too.
These women never expected to fall so hard. They thought they could handle the limits to their relationship with him because of all the things they loved about him.
Typically they found they stopped loving all those things about him around the same time they started wondering if there was someone else and if he might be cheating on them.
If you could hear what I've heard, you'd have your decision in a heartbeat.
But we always want to believe in the guy like this who might just need more of a taste of who we are and all that we have to offer him to show him he doesn't know himself as well as he thinks he does. I'm going to guess that this possibility has crossed your mind too.
My biggest concern is that when you told him you've fallen for him, Janine, you gave him your power.
Now he's in control. He's going to treat you any way he wants to because he knows he HAS YOU.
Do you go back and undo that? No. It's out there. And I suspect you wanted to be as real and honest with him as he was being with you and that's admirable, but what it means for you is that you signed up for who he's telling you he is.
You're letting him know you can fall for him even though this relationship is his terms, not yours.
Take a really close look at what he's said he can and can't give you. This is who he is.
If you can't live with that, if you're going to expect more from him or you're going to frustrate yourself by believing you have a chance at changing what he's told you he can only give you because you know how much you have to offer, then end it sooner rather than later.
But if you actually can accept and actually live with what he's offering you, and you really do feel what he CAN offer you makes up for what he can't, then you've made your decision already.
My one caveat I would insist on for your own beautiful heart is that you set a timeline to check in with yourself and see how you're doing.
Can you still accept just what he's offering you? Can you still accept him AS HE IS? As long as you have no delusions about what he can and can't give you, even if he breaks your heart in the end, you'll have known you went in this with your eyes wide open and you knew what you were getting yourself into.
If you don't know that, if you can't say that, I say from my own experience, as well as the experience of having the same conversation with so many other women who've asked me this same question after they told me about a guy who sounds just like yours, that this isn't a place for you. Certainly not a place for you to be happy.
I hope this helps, Janine.
If you want to tell me more about the specifics of him to make your decision clearer, I offer private coaching where the benefit of having a back and forth conversation allows us to see things you might otherwise be missing here.
Much love,
Jane
Have you been here before? Share your thoughts with Janine in the comments!
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