How soon should I have the talk?

If you're wondering when it's the right time to have 'the talk', you're not alone. Ella wrote to me asking for my advice on when to have this talk with her guy. Read on to hear what I had to say.

Her Story:

I have been talking to a guy that I met in an event for three weeks now. He lives in a different country, an hour flight away. Every time we talk it lasts for hours and he always mentions how much he enjoys talking to me. We both shared secrets and spoke about work family friends etc.

My issue is, I feel like I'm always the one initiating the conversation.

I would send a text like “hey good morning” or “how was your weekend” and he’d usually respond by calling or texting me to tell me that he would call me when he’s back home.. and we’d end up talking for hours! I know we both enjoy talking to each other, and he does show interest every time I reach out but my pride is getting the best of me for always making the first move.

Also he called me yesterday and said that he would call me today on his way back home from work but it’s already 10:00 pm. He did tell me that he has a relative over and will be busy this month. But he could’ve apologized or rescheduled.

How patient should I be?

I really like him and we have so much in common so I don't want to give up on him, but I'm not sure if it’s too early to have the talk… it’s only been 3 weeks (we talk every 2-3 days for over 2 hours).

Signed,

- Ella

My Response:

Hi Ella,

Here's my rule for when you have "the talk" - you have it before the resentment sets in.

For you, that's now.

You've been patient for long enough to see the pattern and at 3 weeks, that pattern is clear. You may talk every 2 to 3 days for over 2 hours, but you're clearly frustrated that almost all of the initiation of these conversations is coming from one direction - yours, and he doesn't have the courtesy to let you know if he can't make the time he said he would call you.

The question I have for you is this. How long do you want to go on letting him know you're okay with being less of a priority than a relative who gets the whole month, with whatever he can fit in between for you?

You're setting up a pattern here of how to treat you. You're showing him what you're okay with and what you're not. And you're buying into the programming that says you should be patient if you want to see where this goes, when he's already showing you where this is going.

It's going on the slow - you're not a priority - track.

Relatives come first, he doesn't have to account for when he can't keep his plans with you, and he likes it when you initiate because it takes much less effort to respond than to initiate with you.

That's the picture. If you're not okay with this, then you owe it to yourself to have that talk.

If you're a patient martyr at all costs, then there's no need for any talk. You're showing him who you are and what you're okay with and how patient and understanding you are.

But if you're resenting him for treating you like you should be this patient and understanding because that's not actually who you are even if you believe you should be that way, then at some point you're not going to be able to keep this patient and understanding version of you going.

The risk is, you may lose him because he was counting on patient and understanding you being willing to understand his relative in town for the month needs to be a priority for the whole month. You may lose him because he enjoys your conversations without feeling obligated to notify you if he can't keep his word. You may lose him because he may not be comfortable talking about any of this because he wants what you have right now and he's perfectly content to keep it this way.

But then I ask you this. If you lose him for these reasons, have you really lost anything at all?

I hope this helps.

Love,

Jane

Have you had the talk? Have you wondered when to have it? Chime in here in the comments and let Ella know what your thoughts are on the talk.