It's never good when the guy we're into says he just wants to be friends.
Those are the words Lee didn't want to hear either. See if this sounds all too familiar to you and then tell me your own story of "the guy who says he just wants to be friends" in the comments. You're not alone!
Here's her story:
Hi Jane,
I started seeing this guy back in the summer and everything seemed to be going great. Lots of fun and enjoyment.
In August, he asked me to be exclusive and I agreed. So as time went by I noticed he was being a bit different and I was wondering why. When I asked him about us and our future he basically told me we are nothing serious but casual so I was left a bit confused by this.
Anyway, we both met on a dating app and I recently went to check was he back on it and I noticed he was.
I confronted him over it and he said he wasn’t on it and wasn’t seeing anyone else but it was the same profile that we chatted on, so I began to watch and I noticed he would only use the app when he’s drunk / drinking never when he’s sober and would put up pictures of himself and everything.
Which really hurt me.
So I confronted him again and he denied it and we got into this argument over it and he ended things by text when I told him I’ve got strong feelings for him he couldn’t handle it. And then said let’s be friends a few days later he tells me he’s going to go back on the app and meet others and who knows what can happen down the line… but he then stopped using the profile I caught him on and started using a new one.
Anyway I’ve noticed it’s me always texting him, me always talking to him and trying to keep the friendship like he said he wanted but it seems he just responds to me he doesn’t engage or text anymore - I’m always reaching out.
I don’t understand why he’s been so cruel towards me.
I understand he’s out of a long term relationship but I asked him In the beginning is this what he wants and he said it is and then my feelings grew … and I’m worried now that I'll lose him as a friend because we get on so well I just don’t know what to do…
-Lee
My Response:
I'm glad you're seeing the pattern here, Lee.
You always texting him. You always talking to him and trying to keep the friendship going like he said he wanted with him only responding to you, not initiating.
This is the most telling part of where things stand. If it's all you initiating and the bare minimum from him by only responding, you don't have a relationship or even a friendship. You've got a one-sided relationship that ends as soon as you stop being the initiator. That's enough of a problem without even looking at the 'you confront him, he denies reality' pattern that's also going on.
In the beginning it was easy for him to say it's what he wanted, but now he's made it clear by his actions that he doesn't want the same thing anymore.
When someone tells you they "just want to be friends", no they don't want to just be friends. What they really mean is they don't want you to be mad at them for leading you on, dumping you & not having the guts to be honest with you.
It's for them, not for you.
It's an easy way out - a socially acceptable, yet meaningless way of getting out of something they don't want to be responsible for anymore.
Like your heart. Like your feelings. Like their own responsibility here for leading you on.
There's only one thing to do here, Lee. Let him go because he's already gone.
No one ever means "let's just be friends". They mean let go and move on or do whatever you need to do, just don't hold it against me for not being capable of what I said I was in the beginning.
There's nothing more to lose than you've already lost with him.
I know it hurts, I know it's hard to accept this is what the promising relationship you imagined was reduced to, but more than anything he said, this is what his actions told you even before his words confirmed your worst fears.
Believe the actions not the words.
Love,
Jane
Been here before? Type "yes" or tell me your story of the guy who just wanted to be friends in the comments. I'll confirm what you know in your heart to be true.
Jane’s responses are always spot on. Please girls, don’t waste any more time on men who don’t want a future. Instead, put all that energy back into “you” and in finding the man who will be a suitable partner to enjoy a good life with. With effort and in time, I believe a better partner will come.
I’ve been there and it is so hard to hear the truth, to accept it’s gone. But you cannot waste your life with men who do not care. This is the phrase that helped me “ your life is waiting for you”. How much time do you have to waste on the wrong people? Given that our lives are really not long and time goes so fast.
You have to fight for finding the right people in your life and start avoiding people who are bad news. I was with a man for 5 years who I knew would never commit. I was so taken with him, now I see him as the rubbish he was. It was a blessing being dumped by him because 2 months after he dumped me, a nice guy showed up and I began a new adventure in my life.
I never thought I could move on and find a new partner, at that time I was at a real low. But you need to go through things to get stronger! I feel stronger now and if one partner doesn’t work I feel more confident in myself that I can set goals and plan new directions without having to feel destroyed by men. My advice, never live your life to revolve around a man, always be working on “you” and setting your goals. Look for that guy who will join you in your goals. Please don’t ever accept low effort from men, if they are not willing to hear you out and support you emotionally, they will not make a healthy life partner, ever ! And if you want kids, they will never be a good parent! :)) Change direction
So true, BKT. This is so important especially if you want kids. We can put up with a lot, but seeing your kids put up with what they didn't have a say in is tragic. I talk to too many women in this position and their biggest regret is believing he would change "when we had kids". No, they don't change!
"Lets just be friends" also means he will call you sometimes, when he feels like it, maybe ask to see you, but with no commitment. Don't fall for it like I did!! It will only be more confusing and heart breaking.
Yes! Don’t ever fall for it. Say bye to him sayanoura
Sure does, Anna. And of course we want to believe him every time.
What was he looking for in the first place??? Relationship or just friendship??
"Let's just be friends" This statement means, i don't want to be in a relationship with, I'm not interested with you...men like to use this statement so that doesn't feel too heavy on us gals...
Let go, he's not serious with you..you are too beautiful for that..
Do your thing..Lee
Spare us the hurt by leading us on. So true, VeeQ.
Yes 10 yrs, current situation but crazy how we spiral into there b.s...how to I get outta this mess.. I love him but need to let go, he currently moved in a girlfriend and now wants to still see me on the side. With stupid phrases like he don't want to say good bye, there still a spark!! When the hell did the raging fire become a spark....really.....Toxic I need help!!!
What's your red line, Tammy? You've got to find that to be able to put this fire out before you get anymore burned. If moving in a girlfriend isn't it, what is?
I won’t get into the specifics. What I will say is the last time he texted me, I didn’t answer. He never called to see if I was OK – and it was at the height of Covid. It was a brutally honest thing that I had to face, but that is what slapped me into reality. I did not answer his text, and I walked away with my head held high.
Good for you, Lizzie. When we're fighting what we've been conditioned to believe about love, whatever slaps us into reality is often what it takes. I always hope for the gentler, kinder way, but I know firsthand how much we dig in just to prove we're the exception. Ego never has our best interests at heart.