He held me against my will with a shotgun

I know. I had to read that again, too.

Beautiful Jerimie wrote to me about the guy she's having trouble letting go of and moving on from when she still believes he's the love of her life.

Read on for her story!

Good morning Jane,

This may be a bit long, even maybe a chapter book or short story 🙂 I'll try to keep it to the minimum...

I met Brett November 14, 2014. He has the most brilliant sky blue eyes you'd ever seen. However, what made me fall in love (first time ever) was his stupid half smile with his sideways glance. Omg! That did it for me.

We were just going to hook up for one night.

I had recently been fired from my job (also first time ever) and I just needed a little stress relieving sex. He stayed the night and I went to my "new" job after I left him a cup of coffee on the nightstand and told him to take his time and we'd text later.

I got home after work and to my surprise he pulled up behind me in my driveway. Jumped out and came and opened my door and leaned in for a welcome home kiss. I was shocked! I frantically started thinking..."Ok Jer, relax don't get your hopes up. Be cool! Just be cool!"

I said “Well thanks! What you up to?”

Oh just thought I'd come hang out with the most beautiful lady in the county." I looked at him and said "Just the county, huh?"

Well, he just never left after that. We went to the next county over to get his things and he moved in.

My son was just turning 3 a week after we met.

You see, my son's dad passed away when he was just barely one. Brett couldn't have kids because of a car wreck in 1999 that killed him 3 times and was in a coma for 4 months. He had to relearn everything.

His 2 buddies that were with him died. He wasn't driving but it took 2 years for the investigators to confirm that. So his community looked at him like he was a killer and on top of that he had survivors guilt.

I feel like I need to give you the foundation of what and why I am still in love with Brett! Trust me I want nothing more than to hate him or go back and never met up with him.

I just lied, the only thing I would want more would to be his wife right now. Even after everything we've put each other through. I love him! I know he loves me to! I just don't know what he's thinking or why we can't be together.

We've been on and off for the last 7 years.

August 22, 2018, I was leaving him because he would stay out till 3, 4 in the morning for months he did that. He knew I didn't like it. I gave up on him ever loving me at this time. I would actually catch him masturbating when we hadn't had sex for months.

That made my self-esteem plummet below zero.

But instead of asking what was wrong with him. I asked myself what is wrong with me? Why would he choose to masturbate over being intimate with me? Am I gross?

I'm a plus sized woman so I've always been self-reserved over my body but he acted like he worshipped it prior to then.

He wouldn't leave and move out and I told him fine! Don't leave, but I have a date picking my son and I up at 6 pm whether you're here or not.

He acted like he didn't believe me. Ha-ha you should have seen the look on his face. He was pissed! But I warned him.

After that date with Alan, Brett did a 180.

He wrote me letters, he told me he loved me all the time. In my head, I thought “Ya I've seen this before. You know exactly what to say to keep me. You are a pro at giving me just enough to hold on to NOTHING.”

I didn't fall for it.

So on 8/22/18 I was filling a protective order out in my truck because he wouldn't leave and he turned crazy. Told me if I go to my family’s house in Monroe that he would murder every one of them.

So I locked myself in my truck...

Told him I was writing my adult daughter a birthday letter, like I did every year. I didn't want him to know about the protective order yet. My son was inside sleeping and it was his first day of kindergarten the next day.

Brett started circling my truck like a shark, trying the door handles, punching my windows.

Oh I forgot to mention that earlier that evening he had cocked his shot gun in the house.Knowing I have a very bad fear and anxiety around guns.

So I put my phone on audio recording and stuck it in my bra. I was scared I was going to die that night and I wanted proof that he did it.

I begged him to leave and go around the block so I could go in and get my son. He said he wasn't leaving. He told me if you call the cops, I swear I see one pig bullets will be flying.

Then 5 minutes later he told me I wish you'd call them. Because I want you to sit there and watch them kill me dead cold.

Once a truck was coming up a couple roads away and he screamed I knew it, I knew you called them.

I cried “I didn't call anyone. Please don't get your gun out!”

He said in this really eerie calm voice "It's been out". I knew I was going to die that night so I thought I might as well die trying to save my son! So I watched him and when he got to the back of my truck I hopped out and said “Stay away from me! Do not come near me!” as I was walking in the house.

I went in and it’s like 230 am by this time.

I walk in my son's room and said “Come on baby we gotta go.” He asked why. I said we just do.

I was trying to get him some clothes and I looked back and my son was walking out of his room.

I said no-no you stay here with me.

So I took his hand we went to the front door. I put my son in my arms and took a few deep breaths. I then opened the door walked out onto the patio and Brett’s standing right there.

He laughs and says you're not going anywhere.

I said why what did you do to my truck? He said I didn't do anything to it. I walked up to my driver side door with my son still in my arms and I tried to open my door and he had locked my doors. I knew he was going to do something like that so I unlatched my back window.

I put my son in the back of the truck, I jumped in the back of the truck and I then I put him in the cab of the truck. I told him as soon as Mommy gets to the door unlock my door.

This whole time Brett’s in the background yelling mother of the effing year.

“Put him back in bed. If I wanted to hurt you I would have hurt you by now. I hate you! I told him I hate you too!”

When I jumped out of the back of the truck he rushed me and got in my face and blocked me from getting to my door. I told him 3 times get out of my way and let me leave. I told him one more time this is your final warning get out of my way and let me leave.

He wouldn't move so I threw my shoulder into his stomach and knocked him over and I hurried and jumped in my truck and drove to the convenience store and called 911.

That was the scariest night of my entire life.

A couple months later, we had started talking again.

I know, I know. How in the world can you even talk to him after what he did to us?

I asked him that.

He said I love you so much and I knew you were leaving I didn't know what else to do to keep you with me.

Anyways, he moved away and I started dating Alan.

He hated Alan. But I still talk to him here and there and I didn't trust him at all. I still couldn't stay away.

Then I really started questioning what was wrong with me. So over years on it on and off and on and off.

Was almost obsessed with me he texted me 186 times in one day.

I was trying to move on with Alan but my heart never left Brett. So about 2 years ago Brett finally got clean, got a job, doing good, looking great. He messages me and says that he misses his son and that he was hoping that I would allow him to take him for a weekend.

It floored me my son always talked about he missed his dad Brett. Always talked about how they built things together like his bed. How he wants to be a cowboy just like his daddy.

He did everything like Brett would do. His favorite meal is spaghetti just like his daddy's. I didn't want to be the one that kept my son away from the only dad that he's ever known so I let him go.

I was nervous but when we met to have him pick up my son there stood the six foot two, blond hair, blue blue eyes cowboy with that sideways smile.

Oh my god there goes my heart again.

My son had a great time so did Brett. He gave me a hug when he dropped my son off and it was a long like I miss you hug. He made sure to tell me how good his job was going.

He kept making sure that I knew how well he was doing for himself and how he's building a house in the cabin for himself.

Then I had to quit my job and move for another job prematurely. They needed me there now and I didn't even have a house set up yet. So I lived in my office with my eight year old son. The housing market where I'm at now was ridiculous - nothing available, and if there was it was like $1,400 a month - I couldn't afford that!

My son was going to be starting school 2nd grade but I had no bathtub or shower and I wasn't going to send him to school without giving him a bath.

I cried every night because we were homeless. What have I become? What kind of mom am I?

One night I was crying and my phone rings, I looked and it was Brett. So I answered it.

Instantly he said what's wrong? He always called at the right or wrong moments. So I just unloaded on him everything that was wrong with my life.

He didn't even miss a beat he said will pack my son up he can move here with me and go to school while you get your life together!

I couldn't believe what I had heard. This man that is not responsible in the eyes of the Court for this child is going to take him and raise him right with discipline and structure when he doesn't have to.

Oh, it was answer to my prayers!

I wasn't going to have my daughter in Denver because she was only 21, worked a lot. I was going to put that stress on her - it's not her kid. I wouldn't let my mom raise him, my gosh no that's a whole other story.

But Brett, I know he would be taken care of.

But why did he offer that? Now about a month before that he called me up and said that he's building a house and that he wanted me to be his wife and live in our house in about a year.

I told him I would love nothing more than to be your wife.

But after he took my son something changed. I've been divorced for 19 years now, and I've been proposed to eight or nine times and I have never wanted to be married again until Brett.

But now he's done with me, lives with another woman. He lied to me this whole time.

When he said that he wasn't ready for a relationship I guess he just wasn't ready for a relationship with me.

I told him. I said I don't know how you can change your mind from getting married to not wanting a relationship so fast?

And then I got my son back, and his friend that he said she was just a friend and that her husband was an a-hole they were just talking one day. I tried to show him that I was willing to put in the effort to be with him my son and him lived away from me about 2 hours it took to drive there.

Almost every weekend I would go see them.

My son would tell me that he had girls over there or they went to a girl's house. So I questioned him about it and he get all defensive every time.

After I took my son home I found out that he moved in with this so-called friend and it destroyed me. That was four months ago.

I've let him go at I blocked him from being able to call me or text me or do you even Facebook me. I've deleted old text messages from him I've deleted pictures on my phone with him.

I'm trying to move on without him and it is so hard because the last 7 years of my life have been him and me and our son.

When I was packing my son's things out there was a workbook on before and I picked it up to see if it was my son's. It was his workbook from rehab and the top 10 people in there what was most important to him I started on the second page and so turn to the first page and I was number one.

In his goal after he was done with rehab and got a job and was self-sufficient was to get married to Jer.

I know he loves me and he knows I love him. But how do I move on from he is my soulmate?

But why is he living with this other woman and can somebody's feelings dissipate that fast?

Why did I deserve to have him at his worst and still love him unconditionally? But now that he's at his best he doesn't want me, so he says.

I don't get it!

I don't know how to move on.

I don't know how to not wake up with him on my mind immediately, I don't know how to go to bed without falling asleep thinking about him, I don't know how to listen to all these stupid songs without thinking about him, I don't know how to talk to my son about him, I don't know how to live without him.

I don't know why he's consumed me even after everything he's put me through. I ask myself finally why do I want to be with somebody that doesn't want to be with me?

You know what my answer is? He does want to be with me, he loves me, but I just don't know why he's doing this. Is it payback from Alan? Or am I just being delusional and psychotic and crazy?

Why do I think still one day we will be husband and wife? I'm delusional, my heart overriding my mind.

I'm so lost I'm confused.

In 4 months without any contact but I can still feel it when he thinks about me which is everyday, or that's my delusional mind I don't know.

Well, there's my chapter book.

You're probably going to tell me that I need to admit myself into the mental health ward at my local hospital.

Sorry for such a long message, I just don't know where else to turn. Your emails seem to hit right at home.

The first email that you sent me that made me start reading everything was the email that said who is this man? Who's that man that has all this power over you?

Or something like that.

Any advice or maybe a rock to my head to straighten up my thinking would be greatly appreciated!

Severely emotionally and mentally exhausted,

Jerimie

My Response:

Jerimie, I want you to go back to that night when you were so scared. When he'd locked your car doors and you were trying to get you and your little boy to safety.

Remember how that felt? Remember why you called 911 when you finally got to that convenience store?

This is what he was capable of.

That post you read of mine that resonated so much with you resonated with so many women from all over the world. I've never received more emails and comments on anything I've written than I did on that one.

It's because I knew that guy from firsthand experience. He's the only kind I'd ever loved before I finally broke the cycle. And no, it wasn't easy. But it's doable. And that means you can break this cycle too.

I know you believe in his potential. That he's cleaning himself up. That if he's with someone else now, that he'll have changed. But Jerimie, even without him threatening you like he did, just his jealous, dominant behavior is enough reason for you to close the door on anything more to do with him.

You're not alone in not being able to get him out of your mind, your life. It's someone as volatile as this that leaves us with the hope that he might change, and what that might look like to know you got this guy!

We've dated men to varying degrees like him. I have, most of the women on here have. And what we conclude at some point, is that we can't do this to ourselves anymore.

You have a beautiful son. Of course he thinks of this guy as a dad - he's the closest he's known to one in his short life. And just like he feels something for him because of all the good times he had with him, that's exactly the same reason you feel something for him too. Like all of us, it's so easy to forgive and forget the bad, and focus on the good.

This is what we do so well!

I've coached women like you through varying degrees of this same dynamic too many times to tell you what everyone else has already told you and expect you to actually do it. You won't. Not for you. We'd risk everything for the potential of being with this man.

And that's why I'm going to tell you to do this for you son.

He's watching. He's taking it all in. There's a woman I coached for a long time who finally was able to leave the guy who treated her horribly when her son ended up in rehab because he'd taken to doing drugs to cope with watching his mom allow herself to be treated that way by some guy who could care less. Her son's pain was the only pain that could reach her to wake her up.

There's another woman I coached who finally understood that she was modeling for a young daughter what a woman needs to put up from a man to be loved. She was able to see that she was teaching her that if a guy said he loved her even though he treated her in a way that was anything but love, those hollow words made everything else okay.

So I'm going to leave you with this.

You can do whatever you choose to do with this guy for yourself, but not for your son.

He deserves better even if you don't believe you do.

And for the record, to answer your silent question - no, he doesn't change. Ask any women who's been here with a guy who's ever been in any way volatile or violent with her. She'll tell you the same.

Love,

Jane

How about you? Do you have anything to say here to Jerimie? Tell her in the comments below.