Duped by an avoidant guy. Is it fear that drove him away?

Ever wondered why you keep attracting men with an avoidant-attachment style? Anne shared her story about someone just like this. Read on to hear what happened and my thoughts on why.

Her Story:

Hi Jane ...I just bought your book after another failed almost-relationship. It was so helpful, thank you. I wanted to explain my story; sorry that it’s long.

I work in a helping profession and am patient and all about feelings; I'm like so many of the women in this community.

This man was like you've talked about so many times: very sensitive, long series of failed relationships, has a very controlling/critical mother, feelings weren’t really allowed in his home growing up, cares a lot about his own needs, etc.

And yes, I saw the person who so badly wanted to be loved and seen underneath; it felt so easy and obvious to me. I saw what seemed to be a ton of fear and anxiety underneath his exterior.

He came on strong in that we talked ALL THE TIME (except he also said he wanted to go slow...). He was generous and had so many of the good traits you say they often have.

Emotionally it seemed like we were instant, long-time best friends, trusting, etc. I truly felt like he saw the best in me and that we really understood each other.

Based on what he said initially, I thought we were looking for the same thing and that he was ready for what I was looking for. We discussed so many deep topics. I felt like my eyes were open in many ways and I STILL got so swept up.

The connection really felt so amazing for the first several weeks.

Fast forward a few months, as it goes, he became distant when it was time to commit. He ended it a couple days ago.

Ugh.

I had my concerns for a while that he wouldn’t be ready to commit, perhaps not to me or to anyone (eg, he seemed pretty burned by the last - maybe narcissistic? - person he fell for), but I had been holding onto hope. He's in therapy and seemed to have some level of self-awareness, although perhaps not as much as I thought.

Obviously, I really believed in the potential.

We hadn't been exclusive (ya, that hadn’t been great). During our “break-up conversation,” he said he felt more physical chemistry with someone else that he had been seeing for the past couple weeks (so much for going slow...).

I’ll admit, the physical intimacy piece was lacking on our end, but I thought it was largely because of fear/anxiety on his part (and COVID). Maybe “it" just wasn’t there for him, and that’s a part of life I have to accept (but dang that’s all hard for my ego; it also sucks to feel that he would give to someone what he couldn’t give to me).

But - and there’s more to the story - I just find that explanation incredibly NOT satisfying, and I just really don’t believe that captures the whole story at all. If anything, I think there WAS a spark, and our lack of physical intimacy felt like a way for him to maintain distance from me, especially because I think I saw him so deeply emotionally.

Am I crazy for thinking this?

The other kicker is that our “break-up” conversation was long and extremely emotional. We ended up both crying a lot, and he said he had never felt so emotional in his entire life.

He apologized a lot, was clearly conflicted, and said that he might be making a mistake. We shared how much we meant to each other and all the good things we saw in each other.

With all that, it feels INSANE to me that he would be walking away from us, after that level of (clearly mutual) connection, vulnerability, and appreciation.

My friends say that I deserve so much better. I’ll get there but I’m not there yet. Right now, this still feels so sad, baffling, and difficult to accept.

I feel duped (but also like there were red flags for a while), pretty strongly that his fear was a driver of this, and frustrated that I held on this long.

I thought our break up conversation provided closure, and yet, I’m sitting here, so baffled. It seemed like we were SO CLOSE, especially with the conversation we just had. There’s that part of me that wants him to come back and say he made a mistake, but I know I need to move forward and STOP picking men like this.

I’m curious to hear your thoughts.

Thanks,

-Anne

My Response:

I'm so glad my program  - Why Men Pull Away - helped you to understand what happened, Anne. No matter how much we think we know already, we can't move on without the answers to our elusive why!

First of all, you're not at all crazy for thinking there WAS a spark there because what you saw was his avoidant-attachment style that came into play.

He's an avoidant who's the most toxic man of all for women like us.

Both of his choices here - remaining active with other women AND the lack of physical intimacy with you - allowed him to maintain a certain amount of emotional distance that correlates closely with the fact that you saw him on such a deep emotional level.

It's an automatic response that he's not even consciously aware of.

Indeed, the very thing he craved - to be seen the way you saw him and loved even more because of it! - is ironically the scariest thing for him, yet something he wouldn't have consciously admitted to for fear of admitting more weakness.

In his mind, he's not supposed to need to be seen.

He's not supposed to need a woman for something as deep as this. For love as proof that he can get a woman, for sex because he's a man, but the deeper aspect of this - to be seen for who he is beneath the surface  - is a whole other aspect that he's not supposed to be soft enough to even be aware of, let alone to need.

He's got an image to maintain and that's the biggest pressure men feel even as they won't admit to it. What it means to be a man is so ingrained, so much a part of them, they're not even aware of it when asked. What you saw from him, was as much as he was capable of giving you.

And before you look to this new woman who he says he's more "physically attracted to" as proof that she's got something you don't, she doesn't.

She's there because she allows him to have his reason for his other worst fear: not being capable of having a real, loving relationship with a good woman.

Even with therapy, even with the level of self-awareness he's shown. Yes, I say he needs real therapy and not just someone like you believing she can save him to love him through this.

But I've known firsthand many men in therapy who still weren't able to overcome their blocks to make real lasting change in their relationships. And the number of men who my coaching client's have introduced me to who've been in therapy and oh so close, but STILL never got there is staggering. Meaning, it's not just therapy.

One woman I coach  - who finally was able to go on a 30-day hiatus from her emotionally unavailable, scared, non-committing boyfriend - told me her guy had been in therapy for years, but the therapist never bothered to go beyond the topics he was comfortable with, and thus never got to the core of his problem.

On the other hand, another women I coached through two heartbroken relationships with narcissist types, is getting married tomorrow to a guy I adore for her - and he's been in therapy since before she met him.

But it's who he is  - and how he approaches both therapy and her and their relationship! - that makes all the difference in whether  a guy in therapy is actually going to get there.

One last thing. That long, emotional, lots of tears, "you've meant so much to me" deep kind of breakup conversation isn't ironic at all when you consider that most of this is the flood of relief that he's finally got closure on something that he's been feeling so much pressure - and yes, fear - to be better than he actually is and do the right thing.

His dramatic, emotional response is precisely because he knows you're everything he's ever wanted, he knows what he's giving up - the way you see him, and he's not sure he will ever find someone like you again.

But it's the drama, the tears, the deep emotional feeling that's the point of all this. It feels good to be able to feel and release all those feelings with someone who feels safe, and sure he may regret it - he knows that - but to be on the other side of this where there's no conflicted feelings anymore because he's finally done what he's been avoiding - to make a decision at all and set himself free.

It's nothing short of a tragedy, yes. But playing the role of the confused, conflicted hero in his tumultuous story is something so familiar to him, he won't even blink.

This is why we leave these men, Anne.

Not because it makes sense - it never will. But because they harm the very belief in love we hold onto. That we can somehow make this man into what common sense tells us he should be. These "shoulds" don't apply to him.

It's only when you correctly look through a lens that identifies the motivation for what it is in him, that you understand what this is - his avoidance of fear because he's not supposed to be afraid. It's why a guy with an avoidant-attachment style is attracted to you in the first place.

You're right that you're just like so many of the gorgeous women with the most beautiful hearts and souls in this community - you wouldn't be surprised to know so many of these women also work in the helping profession. We've made careers of helping and rescuing people; and then we take those same generous spirited qualities and waste them on men who don't deserve any part of this side of us!

And you're absolutely right that it seemed like you were so close. You were. He was. Again, that was the entire problem.

He couldn't admit it to himself, let alone you, but he never wanted to be that close - that's his fear, that's his vulnerability, that's his immaturity. And it's what he's ashamed to admit.

It's nothing resembling real love. It's him trying to vicariously live though your mirror instead of doing his own work himself.  If you can settle for that, wouldn't you have already?

I know you can move on, Anne. I know you know you deserve better and you're NOT going to fall for someone like this again now that you're empowered to understand WHY a man behaves like this!

None of this is about you. It's because of what men like this refuse to own and keep putting on you!

Go find your anger that someone can treat you like this and give you a dramatic, sob story at the end just to play with your heart.

Tears may help us heal, but it's our anger that finally moves us to do something for real. Go get angry enough to change this once and for all!

I hope this helps.

Love,

Jane

Got something you want to say to Anne? Go tell her in the comments. I have a feeling this guy is all too familiar to most of us!