You know how you stay 'just a little longer' to see if he's going to change? And then you're afraid not to stay in case you miss that change?
That's the familiar scenario I'm talking about here. This is what happens when we wait it out, not realizing the time that passes in the meantime and the days that turn to months and then years.
This is why she wrote to me with the title, subject 'It's been 10 years'. If you've been here you know how it happens and how 'I'll just see how it goes' turns into 10 long years.
Her Story:
I've been with my boyfriend for 10 years now. He's in his 50's and I'm in my 40's.
When I met him I had hope of marriage and a home together. He won't commit because he's OCD and has to have everything his perfect way. He thinks I won't be neat and respect his things.
I'm very careful when I'm at his apartment but it's not good enough to prove that I am careful with his things. I did tell him that I can't always walk on eggshells if we lived together.
I know he has a lot of money saved but he said it was none of my business about how much he has but the thing is I've never asked him about his money. We talked about if we did live together that he would have to get the loan because I'm still building my credit. He said that it would be "his house" and he makes the decisions.
I said so it would never be my home and I would just be paying rent.
The selfishness is off the charts. I don't understand his way of thinking because I'm not selfish at all. I told him that a marriage will never work if everything is divided.
He doesn't think he's doing anything wrong.
He has hurt me so deeply. Its changed my view of men. I wonder if I made a mistake wasting 10 years on this selfish guy. I never wanted to end up alone but I am. He is also embarrassed about my weight. He was ashamed for his coworker to see us at the mall.
My self esteem is in the toilet and the thought of meeting another man and letting him into my bubble seems near impossible. I'm not sure I want to give another guy the chance to make me feel worse.
There's the fear of breaking up with him and risking being completely alone because its hard to meet men and even if I did meet another guy I wont trust him and I will have a hard time opening to someone new. The thought of another man touching me makes me want to scream.
If I stay with my boyfriend I'll be alone but at least my phone will ring sometimes.
I'm so sad and hurt beyond words. The pain has changed me. Sometimes I think that I don't deserve better because I'm kind of heavy and I don't have much to offer. I am a kind and nurturing person. I did try being attentive and loving to him but it got me nowhere. I practically kissed his ass trying to prove myself but it didn't work. I really don't know what to do....
-Belle
My Response:
Yes, you do know what to do, Belle.
You know exactly what to do but you're afraid to do it because of what it means. It means the unknown and that's the scariest part of all. It seems so much easier to make a deal with the devil you know instead of the devil you don't know.
And that's what this is.
Everything you've said to him about marriage and living together and being a real couple is correct. A real relationship is about a partnership, two people who are equals. Selfishness is a relationship destroyer, and especially the kind you're describing in him.
I've seen this so many times in the relationships of the women who come to me looking for advice on what to do about a guy just like this where they've already invested so much time, so many years. Time invested is the hardest part of this.
His OCD isn't going anywhere. He has to have things the way they are, with him controlling everything and if you push back at all on him beyond the general conversations you've had already, you know it would be too much for him.
He holds the power here. All of it. He has the money, the credit, the experience, the position. It's his terms or nothing at all.
You see this. You feel it. And he confirms it for you. And you know if you push back anymore than you have, he'll be putting everything back on you and showing you the door. That's why you don't.
Sure, the future's unknown if you step out without him, but girl, the future's absolutely known if you stay with him! More of this, more of the same, more of your self-esteem even lower than it is now, more of you feeling like nothing more than your weight, feeling like you don't have much to offer.
I know what I'd see if I were to meet you. A beautiful heart and soul, a kind spirit, a shine, a glow that had simply been lost in 10 years of being told to dim your shine, shut up and let a man who holds all the power take the lead. You learned this. It's not just the way it is or the way it EVER has to be!
It's not just your weight or your credit or anything else that you've determined doesn't measure up. It's the fact that you've lost any semblance of any power you've ever had somewhere along the way.
I want you to hold in your thoughts that you already know what to do.
And then I want you to focus on getting your power back before you think about any decision you need to make about him.
You can't make decisions well when you're not standing in your power or when you don't even know you have any anymore. As long as you feel like he holds it all - power, authority, control - and your worth - you're not going to feel like you measure up at all or that you have a right to have your own voice at all.
That feeling carries into your own world where it's scary to think of who you won't be without him. Even when he gives you so little right now.
Let's find you again, Belle.
Under the weight of all his stuff and everyone who went before him you're carrying around with you that's crushed the beautiful essence of you. I talk to women all the time who think they don't know what to do about someone like this, and once they've found their way back to themselves, suddenly they know exactly what to do.
This is you, too!
Who were you before this guy got to you? Who were you when you chose him in the first place? When it felt like you still had a choice? Remember her? You still had power then. Go back there. Find her.
Ask any woman on here and she'll tell you the loneliest lonely she ever felt was being in a relationship with someone like this. They'll tell you their stories. They'll tell you a similar story to the one you've shared here.
You can't appease a man like this. You either accept him on his own terms or you've lost him already.
You already know which one it is for you.
I hope this helps
Love,
Jane
Okay, girls. Belle needs to hear from you. Tell her what you want her to know in the comments below!
Belle, you are too caring, kind, sensitive, and sweet of a woman to continue with this guy. He clearly does NOT appreciate the wonderful, unique lady you are. PLEASE don't hurt yourself any further by staying with him. I completely understand your lonely world, and reasons why you don't want to leave. I am very much alone, with no other close family contact and very few friends I seldom get together with. I have mainly my "pet family." But, as lonely as this life is and can be, I wouldn't be able to stay with a guy you describe as your boyfriend. I lost my wonderful husband, best friend and soulmate, to leukemia several years ago, then my mom 2 months later. Those were the 2 closest family members in my life, and I have no children. So, I understand loneliness. But, PLEASE get away from this boyfriend of yours, and rebuild your self esteem. You really are much better than how you feel about yourself and your worth. Your worth is FAR greater than your "boyfriend" deserves. Don't let the fear he creates within you and for your life interfere with the harsh reality of who he really is, and don't let it interfere with believing that you will find someone much more deserving someday. It's much better for you to wait and eventually meet someone else who will show you the respect and unconditional, sincere love & affection you deserve, than to continue this devastatingly degrading, unhappy relationship you're currently in. I understand, believe me, and I have trouble finding someone again, too, but, even with the loneliness, I can't see going on in your relationship situation any longer.
I Agree with Jane you need to move forward join a group where you would feel comfortable go for walks. Love your self more be kine to your self. You are a beautiful lady don't forget that. Do positive thinks that you will like. I no it's hard. But you Deserve a better life. Love ya take care 😘⚘
Everything Jane has said is true! You already know what the outcome will be if you stay. Loneliness hurts but to be in a relationship and still feel alone is worse. I stayed in a marriage similar to what you described with a very controlling and abusive man. Like you I lost of my self worth, my power to make decisions over things that mattered. My ex was also OCD and no matter how hard I tried to maintain his standards it was never enough! I was never enough!
Although the unknown is scary, trust that it’s better than where you are at now! For me, it has been three years since we parted ways and it’s been the healthiest I ve ever been both physically and emotionally.
You can do this !
Belle, Jane is right, I too am overweight and self conscious. You are worth it, and I know exactly how you feel, you are probably loving, kind, and feel like if I just love him enough, he will change. He will see what I have to offer, my unconditional love, and not want to lose me. He has the power, he is destroying you little by little and why cause he knows he can. I am you, I have been in bad relationships, I'm 56 and tired of it. I'm sick of being in relationships, where I give and get nothing in return. I would love to talk to you and know you better. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!! US Neglected women, can build each other up, there are so many of us. It's like your famed if you do and damed if you dont. Let's talk, I'm cheri cunitz.
HI I was in a relationship for 12 years and had 4 sons. There father fell into drugs far into are relationship and abandoned us. He got me pregnantwith our 4th son the week I left him. Ihave no family i work 2 jobs 70 hours a week.His rights were terminated from my children . 2 years ago come this may I started talking to and started a private friendship with my son basketball coach. He is a great guy but he is very closed down with his emotions and does not want a relationship anytime soon when I try to talk to him in the passed I would feel him clentch up like I know there has been trauma in his passed that has made him this way. He has always came over in the evening once twice a week he stays all night and leaves in morning. Lately he has been playing around spending a little time with my kids but it scares me. I want to move forward and I've told him I don't want to jump into it just because I want to but because he does also. Im 35 with 4 kids and fixed and he is 29 with no kids . He said he didn't mind not having his own kids and he did not plan on it in the future. I just don't know how to get him passed his own ways of being closed down. Its not just me he has closed himself down with but with his friends his family he does not talk to no one about his feelings.
You can inspire him to change with the essence of change, but you're not going to accomplish the Herculean effort of getting him to open up and talk about feelings by yourself if he's been forever conditioned to never admit to having those feelings of viewing them was a weakness. My Why Men Pull Away program goes into detail on why this happens and what you can do about it. You're not helpless here, but it's knowing what to do and how to inspire him by a shift in your mindset that changes everything!
It's better to be alone and content in healthy self-love, boundaries, and standards than to be alone, used, and abused in a situationshi*.
No contact will be the most difficult thing but every time you reach out, you re-set the clock, give away more power, feel more shame, and prevent your healing from the toxic poison you say you want out of the pool from.
Jane threw you a life preserver, grab hold, and realize your own strength!
You obviously have a lot to offer for a jerk like him to be blocking you from your blessings.
There appears to be lot of baggage and drama trauma to unload in counselling then life coaching which is ok. That's their role in life.
You have a rough road ahead of you, Belle, but like your name, there will be a beautiful transformation not just learning that comes out of this.
Stop to 'to smell the roses" again, buy yourself your favourite flowers, chocolates, and a self-love Valentine's Day card and decorate even if you don't feel like it because it's in the simple things God made available for your free enjoyment that you will gratefully see.
You were always the prize. A woman was created to be a gift for a man not the other way around.
It's TOUGH but choose to be tougher and know that a lot of us here were where you were or worse. We're "doing the work" and seeing its rewards.
If you put a "no vacancy" sign in your mind for codependent squatters seeking whom they may devour like wolves in sheep's clothing, the devil will have no choice but to flee.
I can resonate with OCD and it doesn't make people harm others like this. Somewhere in his childhood, I bet he had a narcissistic-like or diagnosed parent who was very controlling so the only thing he could do to have any control was inside his room that was of little to no consequence like his clothing, school work, toiletries and then you, a people pleaser, who may have resonated with a parent like that, too, but chose the sacrificial empath lamb life.
Please set up counselling (a lot of therapists recommend and offer referral discounts with Better Help) then set up time with Jane.
He needs you as supply for fuel and that is never going to change from the sounds of it so your best option is to change your circumstances and grow yourself.
You can do this if you really want a better life. Again, it will be Stokholm Sydrome-like difficult but worth the challenge, a better challenge... The "I AM ENOUGH!" challenge.
All the best, dear one.
God bless.
Dear Belle,
The replies from the other ladies are right on, please listen. I was in a very similar situation as you. I would like to add, you will go through a grieving process when you leave. This is natural and expected whenever a person has been such a big influence in our life for good or bad. Allow the feelings to pass through you, but don't second guess your decision to leave. Be strong, refuse weak moments to contact him, don't do it. Praying with FAITH for strength and forgiveness that you will recieve it, and don't give up until you get it. Get support from friends, counseling, somatic experiencing, EMDR, yoga, Science of Mind, etc to deal with your trauma. Learn about codependency and healthy boundaries. Create a vision board of your desires. Every morning stretch and move your body. Take a fragrant bath or shower, put on some makeup and clothing that makes you feel pretty. Look in the mirror, smile and tell yourself you are beautiful and loved by God. You are a creation of God, therefore you are perfect and loved and filled with the spirit of God (or whatever name you give the omnipresent creator). Don't allow negative chatter towards yourself into your mind. Think of what you have to be grateful for evertime negativity creeps in. You will build back your self worth if you do this daily, consistently over time. There are good men out there. We need to get to know who a man is over time to know if he is good for us. Before we give him our body, figure this out. Women are designed to bond through sex, even if he is the devil himself. Sending you love. Keep us posted of your progress!
Belle, you’ve given too much time to this narcissistic, shallow man. He’s not even a man because a real man would not treat a woman the way this imbecile has treated you. Jane is right, take back your power and love yourself more! You deserve to be loved and respected in return but this guy isn’t any of that. 10 years of your life on this guy who won’t commit, who treats you badly and wants to be in control of how things are to be done in the relationship. No more Belle!! Take back your power!! It’s ok to be by yourself for a while. Work on getting yourself ready for the man that is meant for you. Don’t waste another day on this guy!! Some day you’ll either look back and thank God you got out or you’ll look back and regret not getting out. Which will it be for you? YOU get to make that choice not him. Choose YOU, choose your happiness, choose the future YOU! Don’t waste anymore time with someone who is not worth your time. Someone who has already shown you that you aren’t worthy of him. You are SO worthy and you will see that once you get out of that relationship. Love yourself more! Some day a gentleman with a gentle soul will come into your life and you will realize that all this you’re going through now had to happen so you could know the difference between a good man and a bad man, a good relationship and a bad relationship, a good life and what would’ve been a bad life had you stayed stuck in this relationship. Want more and better for yourself. You deserve it!! I truly hope you choose YOU!! I wish you all the best.
Belle,
Your story sounds so familiar to me. I’ve not done this only once but I’ve done it twice. The first time was for eight years and now I’m going on four with another, but finally, I’m standing up for myself and taking back my own power.
What I’ve learned is we put the person - the man - on a pedestal and we don’t evaluate the relationship for lack of a better word. We ignore the signs and sometimes exactly what they’re telling us quite frankly.
I totally agree with what Jane and the other ladies have said here. We are afraid of being who we might be without him but I have found and I’m finding again that the loneliness that comes from being with someone who is not available in any shape or form is far more painful than being alone.
It’s interesting that these two men have been THE most romantic lovers ever and so I’ve had to get past that fear of not finding that and the total package of someone who actually cares about my feelings and wants to be with me more than just every two weeks or month.
Hang in there and just love your beautiful self! Once you truly accept and love yourself for who you are, you will attract like-minded people who love themselves too and will lavish on you the attention and love and trust that you deserve.
Diana
You sound so much like me. I have wasted my WHOLE life waiting for this guy that I love to change. I am talking like 35 years. He kept promising and promising that we would be together. But he kept hooking up with other women and keeping me "on the side". The other women got most of his time, going out to nice places, meeting his family. All I got was a cheap bar and booty call. When I should have been out dating and meeting men, I was waiting for him, and I still am. How sad is that. But I am trying to make some changes in my life. I have joined some dating sites and trying some "meet up" groups. Not easy, I still want to be with him, even though he is seeing another women.
Don't try to replace him, Kelly. Instead, accept and embrace the part of you that still loves and wants him and ask yourself all the reasons why. You don't get over someone by fighting yourself, but by asking yourself the deeper question of why!
You are strong, and too good for this man, stand your distance get out smile and you will attract a wonderful kind man who will treat you like a queen,. no more waiting around for this man,time is precious and so are you. Wishing you love and strength 💪
I felt this deeply . I have been through similar and I tell you.. 5 years on they don’t change . They set up the dynamic from the start to always be in their favour whilst diminishing you. Your kind nurturing qualities are exactly what he was drawn to because he could sense that you were genuine .
They will never get with schemers like themselves. Unfortunately, knowing this mentally doesn’t always equal action.
Maybe start giving yourself time to wean off him. It might feel like withdrawal and you might doubt yourself many times , but your inner alarm bells won’t ever go silent until you take action.
Maybe Start something new , a new instrument or course perhaps , something that demands your attention so you start learning to be without your energy going towards him all the time, at the very least you deserve to live in peace and not continually pour yourself into a leaky bucket .
Take your time and start planning around you.
I couldn’t leave , I was forced to when COVID happened and had to change my place of abode . For me , and this has been a blessing in disguise because I couldn’t have left on my own will. - too attached to leave the abuse . Waiting for a tommrow when he speaks to me respectfully and loves me. It never happens hun.
Another interesting thing is I found that sometimes we put on weight to protect ourselves . Maybe your heaviness is because because you haven’t felt safe around him.. you’ve been walking on eggshells and that’s incredibly stressful . You need time for you
Sorry if I rambled on.
Much love from someone in the same place as you xx
Look up "Trauma Bond" on you tube. Many of us stay with people who are totally wrong for this reason. Your man...like mine... keeps use in their control. Nice some times, mean other times. Your addicted to the relationship.
Belle --
Listen to Jane!!!!
I know what you have gone through because, I spent six years with a man who could not commit and he proposed to me with a ring!! He was in his 50's and I was a divorced mom with two kids and in my 40's. After dating two and half years, he proposed to me on a tropical island with ring in hand. The next two years were a nightmare. Any step closer to marriage became a battlefield. He refused an engagement party given by my family. He found ways to avoid making wedding plans. I had sold my home and we planned to rent a house together until we found the perfect house to buy (note, he did not sell his home yet). The day of the lease signing, he bailed out on me leaving me to sign the lease alone. He still wanted the relationship but not to sign the lease. He wanted one foot in and one foot out the relationship door.
I put on my big girl pants and told him I was done. You would think that I surprised him and that he would beg for me to change my mind. Guess what? None of that happened. He just said "Ok." You read this correctly. After six years, I was nothing to him. I had boyfriends in high school and college who got more upset if i didn't accept a second date with them when they asked for it at the end of the first one.
This guy was a never married guy in his fifties when I met him. Right there is the huge RED FLAG. Like your guy with the rigid lifestyle, mine had an entire arsenal of rigidity that was relationship poison. We could not do anything on a Saturday because that was laundry day for him. How could an entire day be devoted to the laundry of one man? When we traveled he, had to be in bed by 10:00 p.m. (can you imagine that?). He also could not have sex on vacations because he claimed that vacations created anxiety for him. As the issues he had mounted, I realized he had so much pathology going on and that the best thing for me was to dodge the bullet. Nothing I could do, would ever change what was inherently wrong with him.
Jane is absolutely correct when she says that you will never feel lonelier than in a relationship like the one you are in. With guys like these - You can never be pretty enough, smart enough, rich enough or anything enough. They have a game plan and that is its their way 100% or forget about it. Sure they may throw you a bread crumb and let you pick a movie or a restaurant but the entire zeitgeist of your relationship will be predicated on what they want --- which you have already experienced. They will NEVER change. The longer you stay with them, the more time you give them to control you. Healthy relationships are about give and take, not control.
I asked myself, right before I broke up with my OCD commitment phobic guy, what would be worse than what I had with him. My answer was --- one more day. I have never looked back.
Just remember, men are providers and they want to please a woman. He was to cherish, ravish and give to her. A guy who is so in his own head had no space for you. You will always compete in a game you will never win. You never mentioned your boyfriend's dating history. My guess he has a history of women who could attest to life with him is control game.
Belle, if what you want is a relationship, there is a man who is walking this Earth right now who would love to be your boyfriend. He would commit to you and marry you. He He would move mountains for you. Another day wasting with this guy is taking away from your chance to meet the RIGHT GUY.
Oh lordy! Ms. Jane you are so right! My heart breaks for this young woman. Ten years for a selfish, self absorbed, controlling man that doesn't care what you think is down right cruel. I was married to a man for 12 years except I was the one who had the house, the great credit, education etc. But I never put him down in any way. He, in turn caused me so much heartache that I was seriously thinking of killing myself so I could get away from him. We had two sons, and since I didn't want to break up the family, I stayed and sacrificed my happiness. My husband was a cruel bastard! He was never committed to me or our marriage. I can't even call it that. It felt like more like two roommates living together that had two children together. He did everything in his power to make me miserable and this was on a daily basis. I knew if I divorced him I would end up alone. And I did. But guess what? I got my sanity back, my peace, my independence and self-respect. I will say that my views towards men have changed. I don't trust men anymore but that doesn't mean I won't ever if the right person comes along. Please for your sake leave this man. He's not going to change ever. He likes who he is and until he sees that he's part of the problem, it's always going to be like this. He doesn't need anybody. He's fine living the way he's been doing. He's keeping you around for sex and I bet you he's seeing other women on the side. He's an arrogant, self serving bastard. You can do this! You need time to work on yourself just like I did. It won't be easy but nothing worthwhile comes easy. I get my strength through God and a few friends I can trust. You've already wasted ten years of your life with this idiot. It's time to leave now! When you do, don't text or call him to see if he's okay. Don't answer his calls or texts either and please don't cave in to meet up with him even if he says he'll change cause this my friend is his way of controlling you back to his miserable self. I know this is true cause my husband and I separated 7 times and each time he said he'd change and wanted to work things out, it was all a lie. The only reason he wanted to come back was he didn't have any place to go. He was using me the whole time we were married and when I finally 'got it', that's when I filed for divorce. Best thing I've ever done for myself. Good luck honey!
Clearly this man has no respect for you, Belle. But why on earth have you any respect for him? Other than he has some money, you haven't listed one positive thing about him! Maybe he's good looking (you haven't said this). Maybe he has some prestige because of his job. Maybe his place is fancy and it feels good to sometimes be surrounded by nice things - but they're not your things and he makes that pretty obvious. Most importantly, how does he treat other people? Going by your example, like shit. Is that someone you're proud to consider your boyfriend? Yeah, I'm trying to make you angry. Anger is a powerful emotion, and can start you on the path to taking back your respect for YOU!
What can I text my man to get him to chase me
DO NOT TEXT HIM. This will make you look like your chasing him and even though he may like it, he will eventually tire and resent you for it. It's biological. Boys are taught at a young age that the man is the provider, the protector. They like to feel like they're going after the 'prize.' We women are the prize. Women should make it hard for a man to win us, that way they'll respect us more. The old saying that something that is hard to get makes it all the more worthwhile is absolutely true. I used to chase men without realizing it. After a date I would call them up the next day to thank them for a wonderful time but all I got was a cold response and I never heard back from that guy again. Men don't like to be chased. Chasing a man makes you look desperate and needy. This turns men off! If a man does continue to see you but acts distant, chances are he's just after sex. Trust me I know all about this subject. Now, I let the man chase me. I don't call or text a man anymore unless I have to cancel a date. I let a man prove himself to me first and if he doesn't bother to chase me, I'm done with him. After three months of dating (and with no sex involved), the man is still chasing me then I've got a winner! If a man want to commit to me and only me, then it's okay to text him but don't do it everyday on the hour. In other words, don't be available for his calls or texts. Let him wonder what you're doing. This will drive him nuts wondering what or whom your up with. You can let him know in subtle ways that you like him, just don't be available All the time. You have a life and a busy one at that. Make me wait. Your worth it!
Don't text him at all, Mary. He already knows you want him to, but he needs to see you're not trying to manipulate him into doing something he'll naturally do when YOU see yourself the way you want HIM to see you! It's that essence that makes you the most irresistible woman in the world!
Belle, I’ve been in your shoes and I can tell you from experience there are much better guys out there! Guys that LOVE a curvy figure. Get rid of this sandbag man child. Take the time for yourself to get to know yourself again. Get on your own two feet and stabilize financially. You can do it if you stay in the same job for a few years! This will also help your self esteem. Wear whatever you want. Eat smart. Move your body. I’ve been there. I’m on the other side. Jane helped tremendously. Do what you must and hold your head high! That loser does NOT deserve someone as good as you.
I should tell you that the older a man gets the more settled they are in their ways. Older men are the worst! They know there are more single women out there than are men, so they can choose and pick. This guy apparently was never taught how to be a loving, caring partner. Maybe when he was growing up he had to share things he earned with his siblings and that has made him the way he is now. We all have choices to make and this guy chooses to be a jerk. I've been in this same situation too, many times. I vowed to never let anybody make me feel less of a person Ever again.
I’ve noticed this too.. younger men aren’t as scheming and neurotic. I think also cause older men have had time to gather their finances and establish a financial status, they can “bribe” younger women with gifts etc . They’re more experienced schemers .
I lost myself in something similar snd I’m not the same . He was 10 years older than me Thanks for this , love this comment x