It's this part that's so telling.
I hear from women just like you every day. Saying they think it's about something they have to say or do differently. They think there's some secret answer that they haven't yet uncovered, and if they can just find that, they'll have him committing in no time.
I get it, because I went on the search for this, too. I tried all of it - everything- just to try to get my answer.
Is it this?
Play it cool. Be the cool girl.
Or this?
Act like you can take or leave him.
What about this?
Don't let on that you're excited about him. It'll turn him off.
Let's take a closer look at each of these.
What is it about these qualities of playing it cool, not getting so excited about him, being able to take or leave him - why do these seem to make us more attractive to him? And are these really what make him want to commit to us?
Most of us believe that the secret has everything to do with us (hint: it does, but not in the way you think!)
We think we have to perfect the art of being exactly what he wants us to be so he'll drop his guard, forget about all his inner demons, and take a chance on us.
The truth is it's not about us living up to some image we think we're supposed to be able to live up to so that he'll want to make that commitment he's never been able to make before to anyone else.
It's actually about something else. It's about your beliefs.
Specifically, what YOU believe about YOURSELF.
See, what you believe about yourself is going to directly affect how you behave with him. If you believe you're just here to please a man and win him over, you're going to be spending your time pleasing a man and trying to win him over. Your relationship will mirror your mindset even if it's not a conscious one.
And that's exactly what he'll see. He'll see a woman who doesn't have the confidence to believe in herself, who instead feels like she has to prove her worth to him.
But if you believe you're here to form a partnership in an equal relationship with a man, you're going to spend your time forming a partnership with a man who's equal to you.
That's a completely different pursuit.
One has you ignoring all the red flags as you try to prove your worthiness to a guy, desperately hoping you have the power to get him to drop his bachelor lifestyle and trade it in for a committed relationship with you.
And that's just not attractive. At all.
The other has you casually and carefully entering into a mutual relationship where you're looking to see what HE brings to the table, and has to offer YOU.
See the difference? So does he.
He sees it, because you can't hide it! Because you naturally exude this type of energy when it's authentically what you believe.
Which is why you have to change your ingrained subconscious beliefs before you can even hope to change your love life.
And that's why this one question - what you believe makes someone make a commitment to you - is one of the most important ones you'll ever ask yourself.
Love,
Jane
So how about you, Beautiful - what do you believe makes a man want to commit to you? Tell us in the comments below.
What about in the case of someone who did commit - was married for 20 years but then wouldn’t commit after a 3 and a half year relationship.
Moved into another relationship a few months later with someone else they have now been 3 years with.
They did it before - just not with me?
What a great post, this is really resonating with me right now.
Jane, your article above also made me realize that “playing it cool” simply attracts men who don’t want to commit. I recall someone who was fantastic at playing it cool and the guy even married her, but nothing changed. It was still all about him, his friends, his plans, and he basically continued on with his single life, including lots of flirtations and some cheating. She was left extremely disappointed and incredibly unhappy, and also like she was now stuck.