Your comments inspire a lot more than I often have time to put into my responses, and a recent one was no exception as it brought up a point too important and relevant for any of you to miss.
It’s a scenario you’re used to. He’s pulling away, while giving you his reasons, sharing his sad story from his past. He just wants to be loved, to be understood, to know he can trust you, and yet even when the entire essence of you conveys that to him with everything you do and say, it's STILL not enough to make him ready for a commitment with you!
You're incredulous. How can I be all that and he STILL doesn't know it's going to be different for us than it's ever been with anyone else he's been with? How do I show him that?
I responded by telling her precisely what the problem was.
She’s too perfect for him.
I've had this conversation with so many women before her. I imagined her looking at me incredulously, which is usually the response I get. How could that possibly be the problem?! She’s been trying to be perfect ENOUGH her whole life.
Now she’s TOO perfect?
I know. It makes no sense to you at all. This is why I'm stopping here to explain it to you.
See, in your mind, someone’s either a match or they’re not. You’re either compatible, or you’re not. It’s not complicated. You like each other or you don’t. You’ve seen enough to move forward or you haven’t and you don’t.
Not complicated, right?
Except in his mind, which is full of complications – to him, it’s not at all this simple. And you’re right if you’re seeing the full irony here that someone who’s always being accused of making everything so complicated - you - is actually not the complicated one this time at all! It’s because it's projection, and that's another point that shouldn't be lost on you.
He doesn't know why he can't just commit to you. He doesn't know why he can't just do the smallest thing here and relax, and enjoy the fact that he's found a woman who checks off all his boxes AND wants a committed relationship with him, too!
This is what he's supposed to have been waiting for. Someone who's absolutely perfect!
He has no complaints. And he knows you love him. He knows you're a fighter who will fight for you and him. You're relationship material times a thousand!
But he also knows he doesn't feel like he thought he would.
He feels, well, scared.
He feels unsure. He feels like he's still got a bunch of questions and loose ends that are worrying him. Now, right when you're getting more serious, with the amount of time that's passed since he first met you, he's starting to feel pressure even if it's not coming from you.
He does this to himself.
He feels the pressure from all the messages he's been given. He feels scared to make the wrong decision from all the things he's been told about making sure you only marry once. And make sure you don't lead someone on - that's the other part. He can't live with the possibility that he might be responsible for leading you on if he can't shake these feelings he's not supposed to have.
Now do you see why your being so perfect is a problem?
Your takeaway here? It's only a problem for him. It's only a problem for this type of guy, someone who got stuck on the fantasy of what he was told love and marriage and a committed relationship are supposed to be.
He's stuck in the fantasy part - that's why you got him in the first place. You're stuck in believing you just have to be as perfect as possible to get a guy like this, and he's stuck in being the guy who needs you to be perfect before he'll accept you like this!
Both of you feed this kind of fantasy relationship where it's all good until you get to the real part, the commitment part, where it all falls apart if both of you haven't figured out that the only relationships that last and go through to this next stage - are real ones.
Not one based on the idea of each of you and the idea of a committed relationship, and the idea of living together or marriage or whatever your committed relationship entails, but a real one.
How do you move forward from here?
How do you move forward when you're stuck at the 'he's scared' part where he comes up with all kinds of reasons and excuses for dragging his feet so he doesn't have to admit he doesn't have a plan, he doesn't know where to go from here, and all he can keep coming back to is he doesn't want to lose you, but doesn't know how to keep you?
He's leaving it up to you. This is why you feel like you have to figure this out.
It's because you do.
He's stuck here. You will be too unless you choose not to be. You can talk to him until you're running around in circles with words that never lead to actually fixing whatever's wrong, much less getting to the root that for him means he'd actually have to do his share of that introspection.
It's because there is no fix.
There's simply choosing to move forward together - taking a chance once you have enough information about each other to warrant that chance, adding up all the things you like about him, that he likes about you, that you both like about the relationship and agreeing you might both not know if you're going to have what it takes to make this last, but there's enough here to take that chance.
It's called responsibility. It's called ownership.
Owning the fact that you're two human beings who might have been here before, but haven't been here with each other. Taking responsibility for making the decision to move forward, because being with this person you've come to enjoy being with is better than the alternative of risking losing this person, because you're not sure enough and don't have a criteria for how or when you ever will be.
Both of you, Girl. It takes two.
Because without this equal part - meaning both of you - he'll put it all on you so he doesn't have to decide anything - until you've had enough and he watches you walk away!
Seeing it now? I'm here in the comments if you don't. Tell me what you don't get and I'll explain it more clearly to you.
Thank you Jane! Your insight is spot on. As for me, I have tried in the past to be that perfect girl. Needless to say, it did not work. What I did realize was it is far more important to be real...to be yourself. I am a very down to earth person who expects nothing more, nothing less than that exact thing in a partner. As a matter of fact, I expect that in all my relationships. I have enough experience to know that, whether it is with family, in work, or with a guy in a romantic relationship. I most definitely am not perfect, as I have made a lot of mistakes, especially in the relationship aspect of my life. Yes, some of them have been simply a phase I was going through at the time. I guess you could call it a learning process, but all in all I made mistakes with some of the most important people I ever met. People that were good and I could of had their friendship, but lost them completely because of my jumping too fast into something I thought we had when in fact it was just me being selfish. That was the irony of my life for a long time. I would chase in that part of my life (the relationships), but I was a very unselfish person always putting others first, giving from my heart. I've tried to figure that part out for years now. I've been out of a relationship for a long time now, and I've been grateful for the time to think and reflect on me. I really needed that! Anyways, what I've come to realize, or at least one of the things I've come to realize, is that no one is perfect, we all have flaws and we all make mistakes. The best part is there is always time to forgive yourself and to forgive others who have hurt you. And then we just move forward, whether we do that together or not...it may take time. But I truly believe it will happen when the time is right, because like the song goes, you can't hurry Love...at least not True Love. God Bless.
I’m tired of articles and books and tapes and 5 magic words too say to a man so he will want too commit and love only you If we just find out how
We can be happily married I think it is a two way street and they should have programs how to treat a woman so she loves only you When is the world going too get it women are
Just as precious and until we start holding ourselves high and the man starts doing his own work in the relationship well the whole thing makes me question why he doesn’t have too
Perform
This resonates with me. I ended up having to walk away from something where he had all these doubts. It was agonizing and you're right, he wasn't going to make the decision. I had to even though we had both decided if we weren't engaged by the time our lease was up we would break up. Yes, he wanted me to be even more perfect. I left temporarily and he took the time to "make a list of things I should change" about myself. One of the the things was to like his football as much as he did. Crazy. I was already working overtime to try to be perfect and he's the one making the list of things I needed to change? (It wasn't until he said he'd change a few things that I came back.)
I still don't understand what's going on in their heads, even with the above explanation by Jane. They are stuck on the romcom idea of perfection and refuse to look inward? Is that the answer? So next time around try to be more of the flawed person we are and less perfect? Is that how to screen for this next time around?
This post resonated with me so much. I was once that woman that tried to achieve perfection to be chosen by a particular man. After 18 months of seeing each other (without commitment) and me never complaining (otherwise he would disappear), he finally made his mind up and said that we were in a relationship. He met my son and I met his parents; however everytimeI wasn't "perfect" he would make threats to end the relationship. These occasions of "imperfection" were moments when I tried to address what was making me unhappy in the relationship but he couldn't cope with that. Being "perfect " leads to resentment as I felt I wasn't getting back what I was giving. In the end, he broke up with me when he asked me to have a baby and I said I would only do it if married. We were planning to move in together and opened a bank account together to start trying to get pregnant. I made my views clear, marriage was important to me, especially because of the threats to break up with me if I complained about anything, I wanted to be reassured that he was committed. Of course that when it came to it, he broke up with me. The idea of marriage was too much for him. He did it by text whilst he was abroad. The stupid me thought, hes just angry. Im gonna travel out there (7 hous flight to a different continent) and surprise him. Well, when i landed and texted him saying i was at the airport, he told me F*$@% OFF and go back home. I was there for a week, my hotel was 20 minutes away from where he was staying and he never met me. This was almost 2 years ago but only recentlyI let him go. Since the break up, I haven't been with anyone else because I hope to resume our relationship. In this same period, he called me or texted me everyday saying that I was his favourite person in the world, I was beautiful, etc. I was also helping him by giving him emotional support and with his career (including writing his business plan, writing articles for his website). Whatever he needed, I was there to do it. But then, I realised that he was actually seeing women (he denied this but also added that he was single- completely true). I also realised that whenever he came to my town to see his parents he would never ask to see me, we were effectively penpals. That's when I decided to let him go. I told him: I care a lot about you but unless we go all the way together, we should detach from each other completely. He said that this was not fair, it made him sad but wished me luck. He also said in his last message that I was an amazing girlfriend and he hopes i meet someone that deserves me - oh the irony! There you go, I am perfect but still not good enough. Ladies, let them go. If someone doesnt invest in you as much as you do in them, they shouldn't have the privilege of your company, support and love. I let him go. I'm completely heartbroken but he doesnt deserve my friendship or my help with his business and emotional needs. Heartbroken but proud of myself that I've let go.
HE wasn't good enough. HE! Per your comment, he sounds horrible. I'm sorry.
I agree with you Angel. When I met him, I was a happy confident woman. Through his inconsistencies and On/Off, I like you but I don't like you, I'm here forever/ I'm breaking up with you; I've become someone who's dead inside. I told him that when you are with someone that uses breaking up with you every 3 to 4 months, you destroy their self esteem. He said: I never wanted to break up, I just wanted you to change. I and only I had to change - not him. He broke up with me by text after I lost it with him and called him a coward. I don't know if I was emotionally abused in this relationship but he had a lot more power than me and cared a lot less than me. I did all the begging. Once we were meant to meet and he cancelled saying he was not well - he was in one of his moods "I don't like you today". I bought some soup and took it to him- he was fuming and said NEVER Turn up to my house like that. He drove me straight back to my house. This is a man in his mid 40's. I lost myself with him, there were times I wanted to die but not anymore. I carry on with my broken heart and the dead look in my eyes, but I carry on.
Your comment says to me that yes, you were emotionally abused in that relationship. I'm so sorry you went through that. I hope you are able to heal from this and that you seek a therapist. It's always great to have someone who can help us understand what happened and the underlying situations that lead us to be trapped in such a horrible place. Don't take this on by yourself. If you can reach out to Jane here, do it. Friends and family are great support, but there's a lot they're not able to help you sort. You can definitely build anew, a better life and a stronger more beautiful you, but you need support. Hugs.