Am I Blocking Love?

Our letter this week comes from Maya, who's wondering if she may be blocking love from her life.

Here's what she had to say and my response:

Hello Jane,

Thank you for all the great emails and answers I have read till now. They are really helpful to get more and more insight.

I would really like to know your idea about this since I feel I need an outer perspective.

In short, a bit of my background.

Growing up I became a people-pleaser to avoid violence. And I got scared and always looked outside myself for love, running after men. Of course with the wrong results.

Went from abusive men to boring men.

So I did my work, therapy and embodiment. Basically the road to self love. And still practicing. And it's daily work.

Since I always thought something was wrong with me I always took the blame, no boundaries or whatsoever. Also, learning and seeing this.

After many year I finally found the man I wanted. And this time it came from a place of love and not a place of fear. We connected. In short, after short time he passed away.

So now, after a year and being 43, I feel like I lost in life. And I am trying to change my perspective on that.

I blame myself for being alone still and I still feel I must have kids otherwise I can't be happy anymore. I know I don't think like this when I feel good but it still triggers me and I have to remind myself that life can't be controlled and its not my fault.

Although I feel it is my fault since I still have anxiety and am not always in touch with my feelings. Mostly I am doing ok now and I can see from a broader perspective. And then I can enjoy life again. 🙂

So what I do now is to take my responsibility and every time I date this new guy I make sure I am in a good place, because I get totally anxious because of the time pressure. I always feel this time pressure.

This guy is touchy, sweet, listens, thinks things through, accepts my struggles and my past and is understanding, respectful etc. He is basically a good guy for as far as I can see.

I have no anxiety with him or triggered by him. Just my own anxiety now. So I there is peace.

But ....I feel nothing.

I am happy if I am around him and it's easy going. We have chemistry and all that. Now I start to wonder..... I know my old feelings are my old feelings and I seriously check whether or not I am now blocking myself or not.

He is very down to earth and I am more intellectual and like to speak about everything that is under the moon. I can accept it but I have to get used to it a bit. I am not sure if I am not myself because that is just my old patterns that comes from my past or that.

I am not myself with him. (I do see that I have the inclination to hide, so to get out of the anxiety and let go of control now and be myself in this world already is a daily practice, but succeeding :))

In the past I have seen with dating that if I am in my trigger or anxious, I couldn't really tell we were not compatible or not. I felt saved and I couldn't separate the feelings of just wanting to be with someone or being truly in love.

What I always did: I waited till I really felt connected with myself and then I went on a date again. A lot of the times it became clear the guy was a savior and we were not compatible. If I was small and quiet, fine but myself...no.

So then I knew. Since the last 5 years that has changed.

So now I totally don't know how to separate things. Am I blocking love... and still searching for guys that give me anxious feeling.... Is this love and don't I recognize it? Should I just listen to my gut (I seriously have trouble with that and am still learning), should I not overthink this and continue dating since things will become clear? Should I just end it since my time is precious ...?

I am really having a respectful time with this man and he has wonderful qualities I am really grateful for. I am really waiting for me to fall in love almost lol.

I feel I have come really far in my life overcoming the abuse and finding self love.

Also I feel after all that happened I just want to go for real love and keep on going like I always did. But since now time is precious I really get anxious I am making big mistakes and maybe I don't recognize love.. but like my future husband and how he made my heart sing... I don't have it now. Although he makes me feel safe and loved. This guy also is a great guy.

I would love to hear your thoughts.

Thank you so much for your work.

Kind regards

-Maya

My Response:

I'm so sorry for what you've been through, Maya.

The scared little girl in you who learned to please to escape violence, the exact opposite of what any little girl should ever go through. And yet you're not alone in this one.

The type of violence, whether physical, emotional, or mental may be different, but the similarities in your past are strikingly similar to what so many women on here have been through in their own childhoods.

I'm so glad you reached out.

You didn't deserve what you went through, and you didn't know any better than to do what you needed to survive. I  hope you find some comfort here knowing you're not alone.

And now I'm wondering about this question you're asking me.

I have some questions for you.

Can you take out the shoulds? Can you take out the blame? Can you strip away all the messages you've ever been told that you've tried so hard to live up to?

What do YOU want? Who do YOU choose? The guy who makes you anxious? The guy who shows you he loves you? Some guy who isn't either one of these?

If you want to know if you're blocking love, you need to know what you're calling love in the first place. And when love wasn't associated with real unconditional love but was conditioned upon you being good enough in the eyes of someone who was impossible to please because of their own deep void inside, we can have completely misconstrued views of love.

What is love to you? Is there a belief system that says you have to earn someone's love or it's not real love?

It doesn't matter if you're blocking love or not, Maya. What matters is being honest with yourself about what you're actually looking for.

If it's love you want, define that love.

Get clear on your own definition of love, not someone's else's definition for you. The very fact that you're here wondering tells me that something's blocking you, but whether it's you or whether it's more likely what someone else has put on you, the clearer you can be, the less power any block can continue to have on you.

I see this more about standing in your own power and choosing the life and the love you want for yourself, than anything about what you're doing to sabotage what you're looking for.

Picture yourself 10 years down the road from here. What matters then? And who do you see yourself with? Someone who still makes you feel anxious? Or someone who you're so comfortable with now, these questions from 10 years ago seem a lifetime away?

Maya, I'm sensing in you this endless journey around everything you've lost, everything that should have been that wasn't, and a replaying in your mind of everything you should have done different but didn't.

The wheels keep turning in your mind as you go back and back over everything, trying to find a way out and get the elusive answers you can't quite seem to narrow down.

What if nothing has to be perfect?

What if it's enough to have someone love you and have yourself someone to love? What if the grandiose story that you were supposed to have found to fit into by now, was never your own story but someone else's story they hoped to live through you?

I hope you find something here to hold onto, to explore, to see if it brings you a sense of peace once and for all. You're a beautiful sensitive soul that deserves some rest from the endless searching that has taken over you.

You're enough, Maya, just as you are.

Love,

Jane

How about you? Does something in Maya's letter resonate with you? Tell her what you think of her situation in the comments.