You hold it up to see what it reveals.
You can't help it.
It's not just what you do. It's who you are.
You bring light to what never had light before.
You reveal what was always kept hidden before.
THIS is why he has such a conflicted relationship with you.
It's why he's half in and half 0ut.
It's why he gives you such mixed signals.
You're that good. That kind. That loving. That compassionate. That graceful.
You give him love like he's never known love before.
Except for this one thing that you don't even realize you're bringing that he can't handle.
His image - through your loving, caring, giving eyes - reflected back to him. The mirror.
It reflects back to him what he can't hide.
He needs you, but it's in the stark contrast to you that he can't stand what you reveal him to be.
He needs you to redeem him - yes, you're that good. But it's because you're that good that he can only be with you for so long before he needs to have his break.
His time. His space.
Away from you, until he wants to feel good again with how you redeem him and lift him up to a place he's never been before.
He learns what he can and can't handle in the back and forth. This is why you note the push and pull, back and forth behavior that puzzles you to no end because you would never behave this way with someone you loved!
It's when he says he loves you that you're most confused. How can he love you and push you away? How can he love you and not be sure about a commitment to you? How does he separate out the two so easily?
He does and he can because this isn't about you, it's about him.
He seeks you out because you're the healing kind. You love him. And as you love him, you heal him. He's not so bad when he's with you. He's restored when he's with you.
Yes, I did say you really are that good. And you are. He knows this.
And then there's the mirror again. He can only keep this behavior up for so long before his true side - and the contrast it presents to who you are - reveals itself.
He was only that good as long as he was trying to live up to your standards. And that's even without you asking for much.
He was only that good as long as he thought it was attainable.
He was only that good as long as he was living off your goodness.
Living off of someone's goodness isn't sustainable. You have to produce that in yourself.
The irony is he's the damaged one, these are the damaged men, and yet the more you're around them, the more you're the one who feels like the damaged one because even you aren't enough to change him.
Except that it's not about you being enough! It's not about anything you think it is.
Go back to what I said earlier. This isn't about you. You're good! You're beautiful! You're wonderful! And he's not any of those things.
He wants to be. He tries to be. But he can't live vicariously through you just the way you can't live vicariously through him.
He needs to learn to be good like you by actually being good. And you need to learn to let your hair down and stop pretending you're not so angry and fed up and resentful because you've kept everything in for so long and actually allow yourself to be some of what you've been told was bad.
It's not bad. It's real.
See, he holds up the mirror for you to see, too. You've got this chance to change who you keep attracting - this angry guy with an edge, by letting out the real side of you.
No, you don't just smile and say everything's fine when you're real. You do that in environments and with people who you have to be professional with, but girl, come on, it's not everyone.
Be more of what lights you up about him - yes, even the angry bad boy. Be less of what repulses you about the act you've bought into that was never yours to begin with.
The learned responses. The perfect behaviors. Yes, when you need them. Yes, when they serve you well. But only when you choose them.
You know what doing the choosing means? You choose when to be the good girl. You choose when to be the direct girl. You choose when to be the fed up and angry girl and stand up for what you believe in.
Not all at once. Not all the time. Not in a way that you only become what someone else wants you to be all over again, but in your own way that reflects your truth, not just the reflection of someone else looking back at you.
You're more than the mirror. You're everything, girl.
And most of all, you're real!
Love,
Jane
What about you, Gorgeous? Who are you? What do you reveal about him that you're actually revealing about yourself? Tell me down below in the comments. If this seems too deep, let me know and we can talk about it.
He told me he loved me. And we are ok. Then the very next day he told me I put my love on him to much. Hes not that guy and will never be that guy. And hasn't talked to me in 2 weeks. It hurts badly. Because he told me weeks before he was in love with me.
So obviously he doesn't know what love is, Misty. Take it from hundreds of women who will identify with your exact scenario. You haven't lost a thing!
Jane...wow! What an amazing post! This is so real to me, in so many ways! All of my past relationships have been with men who start off so amazing, with so much intensity & loving intentions! Only to fall off & disappear when they can’t continue the charade or find fault in me because of being placed on a pedestal I never wanted to be on!! This post is so deep..thank you from the bottom of my heart!! You are my Godsend & I’m so grateful for you & your wisdom! I just hope I do find someone who sees me for me..thank you!!
Aw thanks, Michele. So glad it resonated with you. I wrote this for you! ❤
Hi Jane,
Here are a few traits of my open heart...I was accustomed to lack of love in the relationship and falling into people pleasing mode I take on more than the lion shared of responsibility guilt I was struggling with feelings of unworthiness, I can say that is not going on now. Improving the quality of my love life is something I really care about, I’m not dating over a year my experience has been crossroads upon crossroads learning from other people’s experiences waiting for the universe to send Mr right because of you, I’m grateful you are amazing thank you 🙏
No more, Olive. No more. Be so proud of yourself for getting here. So glad you can see so clearly how far you've come! ❤
Hi Jane - I've always wanted the ideal relationship with the guy wanting to spend time with me and wanting to take the time to really get to know the real me. Through the years I've known that I am a good person, someone who helps others and someone who cares deeply, but also someone who never really felt worthy of that one great Love. I've gone through my ups and downs, with the wrong guys. Been married, divorced, and dated those bad boys. All of them brought something a little different to the relationship, but NEVER did one of them give me what I really needed or wanted. It's been years of wanting to be with the one that didn't want me back, and being with the ones that I was just settling for to have someone that would text me, or tell me sweet things I wanted to hear...basically just giving me immediate satisfaction at the time and nothing in the long run. I know, at my ripe age now, that I did just settle, and frankly all of those guys just validated my feelings of thinking I was not worthy in the long run. It makes me sad to look back now, and I wish I knew better. I wish I had held out at a younger age for the right person for me. And yet I still hope that he is out there, because somehow through it all, I still believe he is.
Lori
He is, Lori. Right on the other side of you accepting you did the best you could with what you knew at the time, stopping all the beating yourself up because you somehow should have figured this all out on your own. Weouldnt you have done it differently if you'd known?
I am real. Good, loving, generous. But I’m also a scared person in this body. My confidence gets shaky, I want to truly know myself. My teal self. But I’m hard to find, so if I can’t distinguish myself, how can he??
Wise words, Db. You've got it.
This is what am going through with my husband. We have been together for 6 years and married for 9 months. I have been so loving and too understanding. He wasn't exactly a perfect boyfriend. I held on with the hope that one day he will learn to love me the way I know I deserved to be loved or the way I love him at least. I have given him my all. I strapped myself naked emotionally for him to see it all. After he asked for my hand in marriage he actually changed, he fought for me and loved me better. But once we got married old habits came back. Now am so angry at him. I resent him coz of all that he has put me through and refusing to make it up to me by being a better husband. Coz when i agreed to marry i hoped he would kiss it better and make up for all the times he got it wrong. I am angry at him for robbing me the kind of marriage I hope for. Now i find myself acting like him. I have stopped fighting for our relationship coz am tired and it's shocking him coz he got so used to me doing all the work (I blame myself). I can't be the only one that wants it to work. It's been two weeks without talking to each other and i feel like am finding myself again. I know what i want and i will not settle for less even if it means letting him go so i can be my first love. I have been told am a very attractive young woman with a good body. But honestly I dont even see it coz I have learnt to see myself through his eyes and bases on how he treats me it can't be good! But am taking one day at a time. Thank you so much you have no idea how much hope you give me with your emails. Love and light to you Jean
So glad these emails are helping. You are right. Remembering who you are separate from him is key. Sounds like this kind of enmeshment was so familiar, you didn't realize where you'd found yourself again.
I believe, as you’re now married, YOU need to make an effort now to re-gain his attraction to you & Let Go of all that Anger & Resentment you’re holding against him for the past BS he pulled on you.
Listen: Do you want to be right? Do you want a relationship?
MEN are Different than us & while I’m not saying you bow, you ARE Now Married to the man You Wanted & You have him…..
I suggest you:
Be honest with him & what you plan to do to get over the anger/resentment
Do get some counseling outside of girlfriends if need be
BE YOU! Hun! If he didn’t love you he wouldn’t have married you; (of course unless he was using in some financial way) he thought that would ‘fix it’~ we all know it doesn’t however you owe it to the both of you now married, find a way to fix it…you know the results of you do not…good luck! 👍🏻💕
This is very deep. I feel like I can almost grasp what you are saying, but not sure.
Take what resonates, Carol,sit with the rest until it becomes more clear. This was deep, but what you're living through is deep!
You’re describing what I’ve become to know as the “Narcissist.” I think we all can be a little narcissistic at times but the man I love, my ex, the one who was ok with discarding me so easily is a full-blown narcissist. I feel at times that when I get angry towards him I’m reflecting his attitudes and behaviors because I’m so angry at him for not loving me back, for not fighting for me, for us, for the relationship. It’s been 7 months since I walked away and even when I did I didn’t want to but I had to. He was being indifferent towards me and that hurt me so much. I was doing all the loving and giving and he was just taking and being indifferent. My love for him was real. I don’t want to be like him and treat someone like that but lately I find myself being like him towards someone else who has always cared about me. I don’t want to hurt this person. Am I turning into my ex?! I don’t want to but I see similarities in how I handle things at times. I don’t want to be the “bad girl” I just want to be me, but I don’t know how to be that loving, giving sweet person anymore.
They make you question everything about you...he has done that to me to. I look at myself and am i really that bad of a person you couldnt love me. My love for him was also real but they dont no how to handle proper LOVE its alien to them. You look at them and think are you for real cant you see what you have in front of you...they dont and really dont care . Mine used to say that i need tough love i still dont understand why he would say that. What they say and what they do is alien to us normal people just looking for normality in love its hard to find ive gave up.. so...ive decided to have some fun ..let my hair down.. get a toy boy and enjoy the pleasures. 😁
I am so sorry for everything you have been through!! You deserve to be loved!!
You have to try on these parts of you, too, Marisa. And they are yours, too. He doesn't have exclusive rights to them.
Being addicted to dependency of an ex narcissist.
You're in good company here, A. Hope you feel a little less alone. ❤
I previously sent you a message about telling a man goodbye. I had a date this weekend so now I'm wondering he is also not sending text. He only replies to mine. He said he wanted to see a lot more of me the day we first met. But when they don't text you how do you know?
Oh Connie, that's precisely how you know!
I wish that I had gotten this sooner. I recently told a man good buy because he was only good when I was around. For a solid week after I left his house, I heard nothing from him at all. I took this to mean that he wasn't really interested, just only when I was there. His response to me was I haven't heard from you for 7 days and you start with your telling me goodbye. Didn't bother to mention why he hadn't messaged me for 7 days.
Trusting yourself would really help you here,Connie. He didn't bother to mention why because he'd aleady put it all on you!
Wow, just what I needed to read today. Thank you. So bang on it’s scary. I’m working a lot on myself after my recent break up a month ago. This is the second time we have broken up and now it is time to fully move on. He would be all in with me as long as there was no stress ever and everything was happy. If anything seemed a bit off or if I questioned anything he would leave for his space (24-48 hours) and I wouldn’t even exist in those times. No messages, no calls and it would take a few days for him to start to treat me like I was his girlfriend again after. It was so mentally draining. I gave everything to him, and loved him so much. The relationship was amazing otherwise. Sad that this happens but hey at least I’ve learned a lot about myself and people. Your page and advise have really changed my perspective on so many things! Thank you!
Aw I'm so glad, Rikki. Thanks so much for letting me know!
Everything youbbhave said is so true. He pushes and pulls me like a rubber band. It feels like it is ready to break!
He tells me he loves me, I've filled the hole in his heart. We talk about everything and are open and honest about our fears, dreams and commitment.
The issue at hand is our families do not approve. I have fought hard with my 4 adult children to give me the chance to discover this on my own. After 2 years, they have finally said, "we may not agree with this, but if this makes you happy, we will support you". Now his family (2 brothers and 1 sister), tell him if he continues to see me and move forward, they will never talk to him again. His family is so very important to him. But they won't be there in the middle of the night to help with the loneliness. They can't walk hand in hand with him to see God's glory surrounding our everyday. They don't even live in the same city.
When he looks at me, he tells me I am beautiful, kind, loving and generous. We are soulmates. When I look at him, I see a man who is kind, loving, generous and spiritual. I also see the wounded man who has been hurt by lies from previous relationships. He has difficulty in trusting that what we have is real.
Sounds like he has some choosing or talking to do. This is going to be very revealing to you but don't take it personally if he chooses them. That tells you so much more about him!
This email was so accurate that I literally got the chills..
Love those chills, Narissa. So glad it resonated with you! ❤
I thought I could make him feel like he could be that great person I see him to be.. I feel lost and lonely.. My heart is actually aching.. He has gone of the radar..
He has to want to see himself this way, Kerri. Until then, it's just pressure - and that's not yours to fix!
I have the same problem I just read in regards to the mirror . He loves me I love him , we’re good for each other , he’s happy when he’s with me but he’s jaded ! Doesn’t want a relationship with me yet I have a business one with him , he keeps me close yet far I don’t understand,
He's not going to make it any clearer than what you've written here, Anne, because he doesn't want you to understand. Then he might actually have to do something about it!
I'm not sure. He just gets up walks out takes weeks or months to calm down. Blames me for our fights. He says he's done now, doesn't love me anymore or have feelings. Were
Married I've been alone most of it
Christina, does your voice have a say?
I, at age 70, wasn’t looking for a man. I had been single for 8 years when this man from the past literally knocked on my front door to drop off something for a long ago mutual friend who I was going to be seeing. Since he and I live within a couple mikes of each other, she had made the arrangements. It ended up that I invited him in. He came in but said he couldn’t stay long. An hour later he left after asking if I’d like to have dinner some time. We have now been dating four years. His ex wife of years ago, who I knew when they were married, is not happy about that. She refuses to attend a family event if I will be there, so I’m not invited so Mom/Grandma will be there. His family is very important to him and I don’t like being put in the “bad person” role. That means I stay home. Any suggestions?
If he won't stand up to her and make a case for your attendance, this is what you can expect your future to be. Is he worth it?
OMG Im on my lunch break and your email just came through. Im in floods of tears....everthing you said has been my last relationship. I walked away from this 7 weeks ago. He had no clue how to LOVE...he thought that buying me things made up for his lack of emotions but this is how he showed me he cared I cant say love as he never told me this is 2.5 years we were together. Yes I was the good girl..angry girl and the push n pull girl. I just couldn't take the lies and cheating that he thought he was entitled to. Narcissistic to a T . Its taken its toll on me emotionally and health wise
Im 57 years old and done with relationships.
So glad you're seeing this, Sheila. Heartbreaking, but now it's time for you! ❤
I love this. Love. It. I’m not sure exactly what is revealed back to me. That requires some thinking and I’m really going to look at that. But it is bang on with him. I did get fed up and I walked away two weeks ago today. He has reached out twice..... it hurts but at the same time, I know that what I give I want in return. It will happen. I hope it’s with him. But if not, that’s ok. I’ll be happy either way
With clarity, Tami. If it's meant to be it'll be because you both choose to have it be!
You maybe right about him .Now he has time to find himself. I am not angry just deeply disappointed. I was misled or I was trying to believe that everything will be ok and it's not...
I like to see what he will do now ...
You'll find your answers in his actions, Dorota. Can't hide the truth!
Hi Jane, it's like you were a fly on the wall in my last relationship. I was all of those things, I was told your too understanding, your too cobsiderste,....I didn't know there was such a thing. I was just trying to be loving, supportive.....until he couldn't keep up the charade anymore....he used to ask me 'why do you stay ' because I am not a quitter...... he never deserved my love..
I am so.impatient to find love again. But for now I am taking your advice and the search is on hold.. I am concentrating on me, my needs, my heart, my well being. I am empty right now and the tank needs replenishing.
Thank you Jane x
This was so very helpful. I am dating a guy ( yes we are still in the dating phase, but we are not dating other people) & I trust him. Our issue is that he was hurt so badly in his marriage and then one long term girlfriend - emotional abuse and some physical abuse - We talk openly about it all and he says that he knows I am different, etc. but he admits he is having a hard time at the thought of completely trustIng again and commitment ( regarding long term relationship). We connected first emotionally the first time we talked and then later when we met in person there were major sparks which have never left. We are not being totally intimate ( making love), as we both believe that it is for a completely committed relationships/marriage. Do you have any suggestions on how I could make him feel more secure. I would never be that way to him! He says he wants to get there with us... any suggestions would be greatly appreciated- Thank you!❤️
Time and consistency will show him he can trust you not to be his ex, Sophie, but at some point, the trust has to come from him.
So glad you're open to seeing all this, Janene. You can't be the only one being these things. You'll have so much more clarity focusing for a change on you!