You can't sleep.
It's that thing you said. It's that thing you did.
You can't let it go.
And it's not just what you said or did; it's how messed up everything became after.
You beat yourself up. Again.
You think about apologizing for the bazillionth time. Again.
If you could put a finger on it, you'd realize what you really can't let go of isn't really that thing you said or did; it's that all you want is for someone to just, for once, have some grace and compassion and understanding for you.
Yes, you.
See, you have it for everyone else.
You go out of your way to excuse and understand and see the best in and give everyone else you're invested in, the benefit of the doubt.
But for you, it's a different story.
There's no compassion or grace in the way you look at your imperfections. There's only judgement and disdain for how you look upon what you think you should have known better and should have done differently instead of what you did.
So when he called you out on the very thing you were trying to prevent, when he turned it on you (because you were trying so hard to be perfect you forgot you were human) too, it only added insult to injury on how you were already feeling about yourself.
Let it go, Beautiful.
If there's something to apologize for, apologize. If there's something you need to do to make amends, do that.
But if this is just one more example of what being with someone who demands nothing less than perfection does to you because you demand the same thing of yourself, look there instead.
You are human.
You're never going to prevent everything you're trying to prevent, so stop trying so hard in the first place.
Cut yourself some slack. Give yourself a break. Practice owning the truth of who you are instead of the image someone said you were supposed to be.
You're going to find that the more you can laugh at yourself and the less serious you take yourself, the more accepting of those same imperfections everyone else will also be.
See, we're still showing up teaching people how to treat us. And when we reveal our standards we set for ourselves as perfect with no room for grace or compassion and understanding, we only attract more of that theme.
Let it go today.
Have that cry. Release that pain.
Give yourself that understanding and compassion you so desperately need yourself. Everything will look better from there.
Even with what you said. Even with what you did.
And if it doesn't, if there's no grace left for you, let that tell you who someone really is, not just who you aren't, for a change.
If this is you, my heart breaks for you, Beautiful.
Where have you been and what must you have gone through that could have made such behavior so acceptable to you?
Love,
Jane
Are you here today? If it's your heart I've resonated with today, I'd love to hear from you. Share with me whatever part of your story you want to share in the comments below.
I have been having a very casual fling with a man I have fallen for. I obsess about him constantly and cuss myself out for being so weak. Basically I am a hot mess and what started out as fun is now making me miserable. I know he likes me, he just doesn’t like me enough. So of corse that makes me want him more. He has been pulling away lately so I decided to just let it go and it really hurts. I just want to stop beating myself up over this whole mess.
Rebecca
Take out the cussing yourself out, the describing yourself as a hot mess and the beating yourself up, Rebecca. What's left? Who's left under all that? Yes it hurts, and yes, you found out you can't do this casually and that's really valuable information for you to have going forward now. You want him more because of our programming that kicks in at precisely this point where he pulls away because that makes us believe he's our chance to finally prove ourselves worthy. But if it's how you've been programmed without questioning it, you can change it by beginning to question it, by asking yourself where it came from and exposing it at its root. You can do this, Rebecca! I'm with you all the way!
Its me all of it!
I hear you, Josephine! All of us, too.
My partner left me after having an affair. I’m devastated and feel so undermined by my sadness and anxiety over this.
My sadness. My anxiety. If it's yours, there's our opening to work on this, to change this for you, Kellie. You may not have realized what you said here, but you've found something you've got control over here. Not what he did. Yes, it's devastating and awful and so unfair especially after everything you gave him. But here's something you can look at that we can start to change for you!
What can we do
Recognize your power. Realize you have the ability to choose. Stop waiting for anyone to change, and live your life unapologetically on your own terms for a change. You won't swing too far the other way when you've lived your whole life for everyone else and lost so much of yourself to everyone else along the way. This us how it changes; because you make that change! ❤
I have severe anxiety. 3 bad marriages. A slew of bad relationships. I’m 63
That might have been where you've been, Susan, but it's not you, it doesn't define you. The person I want to know about is who you are apart from the severe anxiety, apart from the 3 bad marriages, apart from a slew of bad relationships, apart from an age that makes you feel like there's nothing more to come but the same. That's the you I want to know, sweet soul who's never been seen for who you actually are! Heartbreaking. You're so much more than these!
Jane, you always seem to know exactly what message I need to hear. I was contemplating this just last night, and then your message appeared. I had that feeling that I have nothing left to give inside of me and wondering if it would ever replenish, maybe from someone else knowing that it's my time to need that little extra.
Thank you for your kindness, intuition, and seeming to know exactly what is going on in my head!!!!
Oh I'm so glad this came just at the right time for you, Julia. It's when we have nothing left to give that we realize we need to stop giving to those places and people that only leave us even more spent and find the people and places and things that soothe our weary souls even if it's not what we want or where we were supposed to be at this stage of our lives!
Such a beautiful message. Thank you for the gentle and graceful reminder ❤
Anytime, Erica. There's always grace and love here for you!
Thank you for your message of grace this morning. All I can say is God must have sent you to me. I have been broken down.. your message says it all. I was always making sure everything was ok for others and not considering what was good for me. I am in the healing process but its not easy. Thank you again
I'm so glad it resonated with you this morning, Janet. No, it's not easy. It goes against every piece of programming we were ever conditioned to believe as truth. But we can do this, by questioning one thing at a time. If we've learned it, we can unlearn it. One step, one day, one deep breath - I'm doing this! - at a time. There's so much more where this came from. So glad you found your way here!
Dear Jane,
I read your email this morning. It so resonates of what I did this weekend. I went off the handle. This is my story.
I have been with a guy on and off for almost 6 years. In the beginning, it was a whirl wind romance until our first Valentine’s Day together. Everything started to fall apart. Both of us broke the trust. Mostly on his part. Any way, I wish you can know my full story but I have to come up with the money to have a one on one sessions with you through email correspondence . I know one session won’t cut it for 67 dollars.. maybe 4 might do. I am holding on to the relationship even if it means to be just friends with him but deep down I need to end it all to keep my sanity intact. I am truly having a hard time of letting him go.
My heart breaks for you, Marivic. There's always a deeper reason why we fly off the handle. Yet all we're left with is the self-blame about that. Not anything else. Just that. It's the most severe injustice we inflict on ourselves. Send me an email through my "contact me" form. Let me know what you can afford. If this is resonating with you, there's something here for you and I don't want you to miss what that is! I want to hear every word of your story. It matters. You're the whole reason why I'm here at all, doing what I do!
I am in utter shock after this read - How! - How did you know In pretty much exact detail, that at this very sec all you just stated here is precisely what is happening with me to the one who I gave my all to. How could you have possibly know this. With that being said. I am grateful because it does help, to have that sound advice that walking away is needed to be done . No matter the pain or love I feel I’m letting go of . It hurts like hell.... but I know deep within I’m worth more and I should hold out for that. In this case, I Choose Me❣️I already made that decision, but your words helped seal it.
Thank You Jane
Your words are More than appreciated ❤️
I am truly grateful
I never know who a message is going to resonate with, Donna, but I'm so grateful you gave me the gift of knowing it was you!❤️ What I do know for sure is there's always more than one of us giving our all, giving our everything, trying so desperately to figure out how to make everything all better when it's really some of our own grace, love and compassion we're searching for that we've made it our life's work to try to get from someone else. I'm so glad it resonated with you and I love how you've made it your own and taken from it exactly what you needed today. Choose you. Yes. From the mountaintops, yes! Always. No, it's not selfish when you've been where we have have doing what we were supposed to do, being unselfish to a fault because that was supposed to be so much better than taking care of our own selves and filling our own depleted cups. Yes, there's a balance, but I'm not worried about you!