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Archives for November 2019

I Just Want to Be Sure I'm Not Walking Away from a Good Thing

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A beautiful woman sits on a couch at home alone, feeling sad that she doesn't have a boyfriend.
Am I foolish to stay in this relationship?

Isn't this at the heart of the question you're asking, too?

You sense what you need to do. You've been wrestling with it for a long time. You've got all your facts, all your information, all that you've quietly (or not so quietly) been observing, all the while hoping something would be different this time.

But it hasn't, has it? It's still the same.

And now there's just one thing you need to know. It's that you're not walking away from a good thing. That's what brought Diane here today.

Here's her story:

Hi Jane,

I have been dating a man, 14 yrs older than me, for almost ten years now. We don't live together.

I have two children who are now teenagers.

My boyfriend works all the time and has very little time for the relationship. We see each other usually Saturday evening through Sunday most weekends, but if either of us has something on at the weekend it means we don't see each other for 2/3 weeks.

He has put this boundary in place as he is exhausted with work all the time. I believe he is a workaholic and is using work to avoid relationship and emotional intimacy. We have been talking about getting a place together for 6 years now and have looked at houses but that is as far as it ever goes.Continue Reading

But That's Not You, Is It?

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A beautiful woman sits on a beach looking sad because her ex has moved on.
You poured every part of your being into your relationship with him.

Years of walking through heartbreak, both my own and with you, have confirmed one very specific thing; we don't get over it, avoid it, or use strategies to keep it from affecting us.

We walk through it. We feel it.

All of it.

There are women who follow a practical "3-step guide" to getting over a guy and that’s all they need.

They get a new hairstyle.

They get a makeover.

They buy some new clothes.

Maybe they take a trip somewhere.

But that’s not you.

No, you feel everything.Continue Reading

Dating a Younger Man

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A beautiful woman is sipping coffee while talking with a man over lunch, wondering why she's not getting what she wants in a relationship.
He said it isn't an issue for him.

Ever dated - or thought about dating - a younger man? I often get asked about the "appropriateness" of dating younger men. This week's letter comes from Mariah and that's exactly what she's asking about here.

Here's her story:

Hi Jane

I recently went on a date with a guy 10 years younger than me. I'm 42 and he is 32. He was very attentive, we had a good time but the age gap keeps bothering me.

I spoke to him after our date as he said he is keen to see me again. I asked him how he felt about the age gap. He said it isn't an issue for him. He has dated a woman 5 years his senior before. He asked how I felt, and I said that I'm not sure. Let's see how we go.

He agreed.Continue Reading

Wondering why this seems so hard? Here's your reason.

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slender long-haired woman wearing white summer dress while walking on a green meadow towards a bright and sunny horizon.
This is how you right this wrong.

If this all seems so difficult to you, there's a reason.

It's because what we're essentially doing here is creating what we're looking for. We don't have a model for it. We haven't seen it before. We don't know what it looks like - at least not for ourselves.

We only have what we've been told it's like and what people describe to us it's going to look like when we find it.

The rest comes from us.

We have to get clear enough ourselves on what it is we're looking for so that we'll even be able to recognize it when it's in front of us.

We have to believe it's possible, by believing what we know was possible within ourselves and within people we've only heard stories about how it happened for them.

Continue Reading

Dating a Married Man

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Close up of womans hand using mobile phone on a bokeh background, symbolizing that her boyfriend doesn't text her.
He still texts me every day.

There are many things I could say about becoming involved with married men, mainly to say don't.

If you want a prescription for heartache (not to mention the moral and ethical guilt that comes along with it), that's a sure one with someone who's involved with someone else, let alone married to them.

But regardless of these moral and ethical issues, the fact remains that I hear from many women who, for various reasons, become involved with men who are married. I'm responding to one of these letters today and hopefully my response with help those of you who are asking the same thing she's asking here, too.

Her story:

Hi Jane,

I was desperately unhappy (have recently become divorced) in my marriage when I surprisingly connected on Social Media with a man I knew many, many years ago.  We were at the same school, but I really didn’t know him well then.

He lives in another county, so we hadn’t even crossed paths apart from innocently liking each other’s photos etc.Continue Reading

Remember When They Used to Ask You This?

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A woman holding a dandelion in her hand blowing it away making a wish, signifying letting go.
It’s time for a new question.

When you were a little girl, they used to ask you, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

You had so many answers back then.

But no one asks you anymore.

When they stopped asking, you stopped asking. You stopped dreaming. You stopped planning. You stopped hoping. You started looking back instead of forward. You started believing another voice.

Not the one of hope, but the one of the opposite of hope.

Hopelessness.

They convinced you you’d lived your best life already.

That you’re too late.Continue Reading

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