Beautiful Sami writes to tell us her story of being ghosted by her relatively new long-distance boyfriend, and she's wondering what could have happened.
Read on for her story, along with my response:
Hi Jane,
I started seeing a guy who lives in a different state than me a few months ago. I've seen him three times in person, and those three times we were with each other almost non stop for days.
He even came to visit me one weekend and again, we were with each other the entire time. It was amazing.
When we weren't together, we would text constantly, every single day. He was usually the one who started the conversations, but I would start them occasionally, attempting to let him know that I was just as interested in talking to him as he was interested in talking to me.
Then one day (this past Saturday actually) he completely dropped off the face of the planet.
I haven't heard from him since.
I don't know what to do, and I just don't understand. Do you have any idea what happened?
Thank you,
-Sami
My Response:
Okay Sami, lets first establish that he's not lying in a hospital bed somewhere, unable to use a phone. Since you've been communicating via text, text him first.
Something light, along the lines of "I haven't heard from you in a couple days which is so unusual for you. Is everything okay?"
That's a totally reasonable reach out.
It shows you care, you've noticed, and you're just checking in to make sure everything's all right because it's out of character for him and outside of the pattern he's established in terms of communication with you.
If you still don't hear from him, give it a day and then call him. If you get his voicemail, leave a message saying the same thing. "Haven't heard from you which is unusual, so just checking in. Is everything okay?"
The point here is a short message that shows genuine concern (because you are genuinely concerned!) about a change in a pattern you've come to expect from him. Now you're going to find out what happened by his response to you!
If he doesn't respond at all, he wants to disappear this way. This is his disappearing act.
He's ghosting you because he finds it the easiest way to back out of something he's not ready for. He doesn't want any conflict. He doesn't want any back and forth. He just wants out.
If this is the response you get from him after you've sent that light text and v-mail - the non-response - you're not missing anything here. You want someone who can actually communicate with you, who can let you know if something's changed BEFORE he just goes silent like this, leaving you hanging and wondering if you imagined the whole thing! (No, you didn't.)
If you get some kind of a response from him, you're going to have new information that will allow you to decide what you want to do going forward.
If he apologizes or says he's had a lot going on or tells you a story of how he actually WAS lying in that hospital bed or the equivalent of that for the last few days, you can decide how realistic that sounds and choose whether to give him the benefit of the doubt.
However, if it took you initiating something to find this out, the chance of it happening again - and the relationship not being sustainable - is pretty likely. So YOU have to decide whether to believe him before you go any further here.
The absolute best way of looking at whether he responds to you or not, is to see it as information. I talk about this a lot, but it's so important to look at how he communicates with you - or doesn't communicate with you - as practical and logical information because our natural inclination is to instead take it all so personally and take responsibility for what happened.
The reality is that his actions have everything to do with him and what's going on for him physically, mentally and emotionally - even if he's unaware of what those reasons are. And you don't need to know what those reasons are either; all you need to know is what his actions tell you about whether or not he's compatible with you as well as on the same page as you!
I can also pretty much guarantee he's not digging deeper. He's much less complicated than that. He's simply going to do what works for him, regardless of what that feels like to you. Now it's up to you to do what works for you!
I hope this helps.
Love,
Jane
Most of us have experienced the phenomenon of the disappearing guy before. Have you? Share your advice for Sami in the comments below!
Sami,
I have been in this situation more than once. Each time I would imagine that something awful must have happened because that could be the only logical reason I could come up with. How in the world does someone lose interest so quickly and not even have a shred of respect for you in terms of letting you know? I have been reading this column for a few years and it has helped tremendously. Jane's advice is spot on, I will reach out the same way but never more than one or texts and the phone call. I had to learn that no response is a response. He is showing you that he is incapable or unwilling to communicate and display basic human courtesy. I know you do not want to be with someone like that. I also know how confused you must feel because you thought he was better than that. I promise you, you will thank yourself in the long run for not chasing this guy. You are now one step closer to the man you are supposed to be with. I am 44 and have just met a man that I think is worthy this year. I have gone through many years of heartbreaks, confusion, and wondering what I was doing wrong. Let me tell you now, there is nothing you said or did wrong. This guy was going to run regardless. I actually did get a response from a ghost once. His answer made me even more frustrated. He said I was so amazing and he had never felt that way before and he was afraid to fall in love, I lived too far (1 hr), and a whole list of other excuses. I thought it was the dumbest thing I had ever heard. How often do you meet someone that you feel that way about and then to just disappear? It still blows my mind to this day but I know that he can never be the man I need him to be. He bailed when things were good, what would he do if something bad happened? You dodged a bullet, my friend. I know it doesn't feel like it right now but you did. Imagine if you had wasted any more time with him? Be thankful, he did you a favor.
Hi Sami,
I’m sorry for your pain, I just went through the same thing.
Only I handled it terribly 😆
I over texted him, not blaming myself totally though because he ghosted, but we are talking again and he owned up to it.. I also owned up to my immature actions. But the main thing is he explained to me what was going on.
Not sure what your situation is but as much in love and are a great fit we are, he simply got scared.
We had talked about him moving here which he was excited about...but when he would go back home He would pull away a little bit.
Back to reality,
He finally explained that getting closer with me equaled him giving up everything at home and his job etc. so the easiest way for him was to pull away selfishly.
It could be that your man feels a lot for you but he’s looking ahead and putting a roadblock up.
Go with your heart, talk to him about it, ask him flat out, maybe he’ll open up, actually he should open up. Took a lot of persistence for me but I’m glad I didn’t give up. All I needed were answers and now I got to make the choice whether I wanted to continue with him.
Being distant is very painful. I hope you get your answers from him.
You deserve it Girl!
My best to you. Let us know how it goes ! 💕
Sami, I suspect distance has something to do with his "pull back". My long term bf is happy that I live close by and so am I. He made that comment right after we first started dating.
My brother was on Match. Dated some women further away, but commented after several times driving to pick them up, "it was too far". His "the one" gf lives closer. Also, the nearer you live to each other, the more chance you know the same people etc, which I think has enhanced our relationship.