Most of us have fears and even trauma around asking for what we need or setting boundaries because of how this has been received in our past.
We only know the extremes of coming across accommodating or demanding instead of the balance of taking ownership of what we need, recognizing we have a right to ask for that, while allowing those we ask this of to have a right to their own response, even if it's not the response we want.
We don't have to be afraid of their response.
Instead, we can view it as giving us the information we need to know where we go from here, to be able to be informed as to what's in our actual best interest and how we can better make decisions and communicate additional information based on that response.
This isn't easy communication or conversations for most of us, especially when we've been brought up to be so accommodating and understanding of everyone else's needs to the detriment of our own.
I've been here.
And I've walked through this with those of you who've been here, feeling the hesitation of ever saying anything that might give someone reason not to want to be with us. But how much heartbreak it would have saved us all to be true to ourselves up front!
It doesn't get easier the longer we delay, it only gets harder and it lowers the bar on the standard of treatment we'll settle for until that's all we're doing anymore - settling.
That's why they don't treat us better. That's why the anger and resentment deep within us builds. And then we wonder why it all comes crashing down on us over some small seemingly insignificant last straw.
You still have the power to recognize what you need, to ask for that, to use the response you get as an indicator of whether this is someone you can work things out with or someone you need to have as little to do with as possible, BEFORE the anger and resentment build to that point where we're only left with regrets of our own.
Acquiescing isn't attractive in the long run. Not having your own voice gets old. Letting someone walk all over you isn't ever what any of us equated with being in love.
But what matters most here isn't about what any of this looks like to someone else or how attractive it make us, it's what it does to us.
Love,
Jane
Ever wondered why asking for what you need and setting boundaries has always been so difficult for you? I hope this helps you understand more of why, and also why it isn't your fault. If this resonated with you, I'd love to hear from you. Email me or leave a comment in the space below. It took me years to figure this one out. It's more than understandable if you're still struggling with this one, too!
I'm married. I asked him to leave 4 years ago due to his drinking. He was the Sweetest kindest man. Did Everything for me and my 2 children that he could. But I had to say go. He called when he was hurting. Knowing I knew about his history with trauma and he knew mine. So 4 months back. He called and was so frightened. He said "my mother said I have to divorce you bc she's writing up a trust fund. And I'm not in it either. I asked him, as he has not been drinking in 2 years and lives 123 miles away from me, "is this what you want". He cried and said no. He hates her. He's 52 btw. I'm 45. We got a place for December 1st up there. But the past few weeks, as I know and my therapist stated, he's exhausted after working 6 days, hasn't called in 2 weeks. Only 4 days one week. Last was 2..All after work. Now it's the weekend. And I'm writing smothering him. Almost begging. ???
Yes I can relate to that, I am 56 yrs old and have been a people pleaser most of my adult life, does it come from a desperate need to be liked, i'm not sure, my mother has always put others before herself, so maybe I have learned this behaviour from her, one thing I do know though is it absolutely ends in resentment of your partner, I wish I could break the endless circle of making the same mistakes every time I get into a new relationship (you would think at my age I would know better) 🙁
Hi Jane, this post resonated so powerfully with where I'm at today. I'm getting pulled deeper and deeper into a "relationship" that is not good for me. Yet I can't seem to tear myself away. I like the intimacy, physically as well as emotionally. I like the physical passion we have. I like having someone to chat with daily and connect with. Even though I know i deserve better, this is the closest to a relationship i've had in 35 years, so its hard to believe i'll ever find anything else, or anyone better. We've also been friends for over two years before this so I really don't want to lose that either.
But overall I feel bad. It feels unbalanced. I feel like I'm losing myself, bending over backwards in a one-sided relationship as he calls all the shots. I'm too scared to walk away because i'm scared i'll never find anything better. I'm scared to going back to endless singleness again. I know I deserve better, so why is it so hard to walk away? Why does being in an unhealthy relationship still feel so much safer than returning to the loneliness of being perma-single? What can I do?
Is he really your friend if he is calling all the shots? And one thing is for sure, as long as you cling on to this guy you will definitely not find another, actually good man, cause you are still so focused on this guy. And unfortunately what you describe is not love and never will be, he is getting the attention and ego boost from whenever he needs it and that is all it is.
I have been in the same situation, I stayed way too long the last time. And I wouldn't be surprised if this guy of yours have a few others he uses the same way on the side as well.
Sorry if I am harsh, but please save yourself the trouble. This guy will never be the right guy for you.
Hi Jane, your posts have a lot of wisdom and I like reading them. I would like to say from my experience in this topic - having boundaries and speaking up when something is not right is good. But I find that very few men actually appreciate if - they just want to find someone who is easy to be with and does not challenge them. I speak up bcos that’s the only way I know to be but not all the time. It does not mean that you will find a good relationship bcos you speak up, have boundaries etc. it’s really a game of luck. I am Indian by ethnicity, that may play into my beliefs.
stuggling with what you said in last letter. have a therapist now, need a support group.
Jane, I thank you for this info! I've been ghost (Just learned that term yesterday!) by wonderful shy guy who came back into my life three mths ago after a year of silence (barely knew him then). Suddenly quit texting, coming over 9 days ago. I wrote a nice email saying I understand it's difficult for him (he said so himself) but that I won't FAIL HIM (like he said most have!) Do I keep writing encouraging little short texts? Do NOT want to lose him!
Thank you for your thoughts, Jane. Being silent reader of this site for about a year now and receiving another piece of your wisdom today, I just felt the urge to say something 🙂 You are an ally of mine in the daily battle with those inner demons 🙂 Thank you for sharing beams of hope and strength.
So glad you're here, Velvet. And I love being your ally - honored, actually - and so glad you finally came by to say hello. Here's to those beams of hope and strength. You deserve every one of them. Not in spite of who you are or what you've been through, but because of exactly who you are and where you've been!