Is He Too Good for Me Because of My Baggage?

Our letter today comes from one of our beautiful readers who's chosen to go by the name "LoveIs." Like most of us who have ever been attracted to someone because of their potential, LoveIs is reaching out today for some answers on the question of what to do when you're attracted more to someone's potential than what they're actually showing you they're capable of.

Sound familiar? Read on to find out what I have say on this very relevant question.

Dear Jane,

I love all of your content and the time you spend sharing your knowledge to the world really touches people. You're one of a kind. Would you share some of that knowledge with me today?

I tend to overlook men who are actually good for me and am attracted to men who aren't.

I'm talking about the emotionally unavailable, you chase him, mysterious, keeps you guessing, you wanna be the one to change him type. For some reason, this type of man I find comfort in which is in no way logical but alas, here we are.

I think what attracts me is the comfort in knowing they too are flawed. I say "too" because I am also flawed. Flawed in the sense I have my handful of issues that I'm sure make me difficult to date.

What I'd like to get your opinion on is my way of thinking when it comes to dating. Again, I find comfort in the "no good ones" because I see the good in people (sometimes to a fault).

I see potential and want to work with them or through their issues with them, beckoning their highest potential. But I tend to also rationalize that said guys who is also a little messed and I'm willing to see past it, they will want to do the same with me.

I guess I see it as two people sharing a bond in being flawed we inevitably are drawn to help uplift each other. Or is this just a classic case of the blind leading the blind?

I can definitely see this how this might be an unhealthy attachment style but it's from a very general perspective which is why I'm coming to you as the expert.

Because, I overlook the guys who are good for me.

These are the ones who are seemingly perfect, no red flags, ready to commit - essentially, checking all the boxes! Naturally, I should be drawn to this type of man, right?

*for visibility the one common trait the good guys share is that they are all older than me by at least 10 years. Age is really important to me as I am 26 and feel strongly about not dating anyone over 5 years older. Mainly because I want someone to grow and be on the same page with*

Issue is, once I start to consider giving them a chance, my initial gut reaction is to back away because I am hazardous and they are too good for me. Too good in the sense that they have all their stuff together, know who they are, confident, good souled, optimistic, up on life - basically, everything I would want to be for myself and to someone else.

This isn't to say that I can't, I'm just a work in progress and not all the way there yet.

I suppose the "too good for me" syndrome stems from a sense of guilt. I feel guilty in that I would hate to be the anchor in a sinking ship. I have a pretty jaded, scarred, and traumatizing history and the the thought of bringing my messy plate to someone's clean table terrifies me.

No one deserves to be weighted down.

For context: I grew up in an emotionally abusive family and household. TLC, words of affirmation, and affection were pretty much always absent. I don't blame anyone for my past per se, but if one thing has been imprinted its remembering the feeling of someone emotionally draining you.

This isn't to say that I am an emotionally abusive person - thankfully,

I'm praised for being reliably upbeat and positive but that's all surface; I have a sad and vulnerable side I typically don't reveal unless it's with a s/o who loves me unconditionally.

But to my original point, I recognize what an emotionally draining environment looks like from growing up and what that is, is unhappiness - unhappiness with self, loved ones, environment, etc.

Again, I would feel guilty bringing said baggage to my eligible bachelor.

And while I'm not clinically depressed, because I do live a rather good life, I'm just not fully happy with myself.

Yet.

Nevertheless, I think I have this huge fear that my unhappiness along with my scars from my past will curate an emotionally draining environment for someone I could one day love or do love. And if that's the case, I much rather deserve the a-hole than the gentleman.

Have you seen this before? Am I looking for love in a hopeless place? Should I be reprogramming on where to find love?

- LoveIs

My Response:

I had to smile as I read these words. Have I seen this before?

You're describing almost everyone who finds their way here, LoveIs. At our core, this is most of us.

We come from imperfect places, recognizing more than anyone else our faults, shortcomings and imperfections, and then just like you, we find comfort in the "no good" or deeply flawed ones who we recognize on such a deeper level as being so similar to ourselves.

Like you, we see the good in people - particularly in our romantic interests. And not merely to a fault, but to our own detriment.

Just like you, we see the potential value in working through their issues with them, "beckoning their highest potential", because if we know where we've been and what we've been through and how much our potential came through for us with who we've become, we believe that same sort of miracle can happen for them too - with someone like us on their side.

It's both our most beautiful quality - this ability we have to see the best in someone, to see real potential where others would be so quick to label and dismiss them - and our worst nightmare taken out on ourselves, for involving ourselves with someone who fits this description but proves to be completely incapable of living up that potential, leads only to a soul-wrenching heartbreak in the end.

And while there always remains hope, there is a huge difference between having hope at all, and giving a narrative of false hope when all the warning signs are there.

The same signs we try to dismiss when we're so desperately trying to find something concrete to hold onto.

You don't deserve the a-hole. No one does.

But looking for love in this place that requires someone to actually be capable of living up to this potential that only you can see from your own place of where you've been and what you've been through, will quickly become hopeless if it's only you doing all the work.

As a kindred spirit myself on this subject, as someone who's been in exactly this place and also worked with so many others who've only found their way here after wasting far too much time and energy (and our very lives) trying to find that one person who will make this quest worth it, I have this to say to you:

Yes, reprogram yourself on where you're looking for love.

Yes, trade in a path that never leads to anywhere but more dashed hopes and more unrequited love because you recognize you can't have the happy ending when you're choosing the very men who at best aren't capable of having it and at their worst, subconsciously only know how to sabatoge your attempts to have it.

How can your soulmate, your life partner, your boyfriend, your lover, your best friend in the whole world, be the guy who sees everything conditional when it comes to you while you see everything unconditional when it comes to him?

These are the very men who are incapable of getting there, except by chance of the one in a million who's going to get there but whose pursuit will drag you down to levels you can't imagine. Maybe you've gotten a taste already - in the process of trying to find that one guy.

Look for the ones who are already there.

Look for the ones who want a real relationship with someone who wants a relationship too. Ironically, it's only our own past programming that has us believing a message that someone could ever be too good for us because of our baggage.

We're all human. We're all real. We've all come from places with regrets.

But thinking of ourselves as flawed because of those past circumstances and imperfections, only keeps us choosing the ones who will only leave us lonelier if we were ever able to catch them.

They're not looking to change, they're not looking to be found by us, they're not looking for us to help them live up to their potential.

They're only looking for us to do this work for them.

Let that by your epiphany, LoveIs.

If you can't do it all for them, if they can't sit out on the sidelines watching you work your magic asking for nothing in return, they don't want any part of it. Or you.

Nothing unconditional here. Only more of the conditional most of us grew up with, are subconsciously so comfortable around and are still so attracted to.

Shift your focus to notice the ones who are real, who recognize their own imperfections and press on anyway, not looking for someone to fix or make into something of the kind found in the epic movie scenes we've been so programmed to believe as real life. There's a reason those scenes sell so well. It's what we long to believe could be true for us, too.

Find someone who recognizes what a real relationship looks like - and what it takes.

Real effort. Real prioritizing of each other. Real life stuff.

And don't settle for anything less.

I hope this helps.

Love,

Jane

Do you have any advice for LoveIs? It's a topic most of us can relate to. Share your words of advice, encouragement and support in the comments below.