Ever wondered how someone falls out of love? Especially if that person someone falls out of love with is you? Tori did. Read on to hear what I had to say about it.
Here's her letter:
My question is regarding how one can fall out of love with someone, when everything is the same if not better over time? I have seen many bad and dysfunctional relationships and people sticking together for the wrong reasons.
My boyfriend and I met on a dating app last May and have been together for a year. The past month he was being a little distant but in a very subtle way. He was still texting me but it felt lackluster and routine. When I would flirt with him or try to make plans he wouldn’t respond with excitement but he would respond.
When I confronted him he broke out in tears saying he didn’t know why but he felt like he was “on his way out” and felt disconnected from me.
Long story short we broke up after talking about it for a long time and going on a break with no contact for a week. Then we each wrote each other a letter and seemed to have a very mature and honest breakup.
But I am devastated and still feel like either a.) He is lying to himself and does love me. He just stopped putting the little effort into connecting. Or b.) He never really loved me.
Either way, I know this is early but how the hell am I supposed to trust any men again??
He acted in love with me for a year and then out of truly nowhere, poof. “You’re amazing and everything I want but I don’t love you anymore.” I don’t understand and I don’t think I ever will. I had an amazing, fun, imperfectly loving relationship and it was a dream come true and I don’t know why it’s over.
I partly think this was a mistake and he is just doing this to protect himself, but clearly I’ve been fooling myself so who knows?
I did everything right, he was everything right and still it ended in confusion and heartbreak. And thinking about looking for someone else in the future scares me even more now because of this loss.
Any advice would be appreciated.
-Tori
My response:
Feeling you on this one, Tori. I think you'll find a lot of women on here wondering the same thing because it's happened to them. The hardest part about our relationships is that there are no guarantees. We can do our best to really get to know someone before we go all in, but a pattern of consistency in behavior over a long period of time takes exactly that; time.
He probably did love you, as much as he was capable of feeling the feelings he associated with being in love. And on some level, he probably still does love you, except that now, for reasons that have everything to do with him and where he's at within himself, he's feeling other things that make those loving feelings harder to feel.
Just like us, men are told what love feels like by our culture, by the media, and by all the well-meaning people who've been teaching him about love and romantic relationships from the time he was old enough to absorb what was going on his world. "This" means love, the messages said.
"This" means you're in love, and "this" means there's something wrong.
Unless someone understands that love isn't about fantasies or idealistic ideas about someone. That it's about two real people with real pasts, real programming and real things you're going to adore about them and other real things that may drive you crazy.
Nobody is perfect, no matter how perfect they seem at the beginning, and people change and grow and find themselves in new circumstances that can give them new perspectives.
Or they can stay exactly the same and unrealistically expect everyone and everyone to stay exactly the same as well.
I know this doesn't provide much comfort when it feels so personal, but it may not be anything specific about you at all that's triggering this shift in his behavior. If he has a preconceived expectation around a timeline and and feels unable to live up to the expectation within your relationship, rather than face up to this reality and the shame that it produces in him (and remember he doesn't understand this so can't tell you this is what's going on), he may find it easier to just say goodye.
I know this is such a difficult concept to understand.
That he would rather risk losing you than look within at his own behavior to understand why and do whatever work required of him to allow him to continue in relationship with you, but unfortunately this happens far too often.
Please know this isn't about you, no matter how much it feels like it is, that this is just one guy - one guy! - and all it will take is one other guy to show you a different kind of relationship that has the staying power because HE has the capacity to look within. One guy who has the capacity to do the real work a relationship involves.
That's enough to change your perspective, even if all you've ever known is the fantasy of the idea of one rather than the reality of a real one.
There are real men out there who understand this, who figure this out, who are able to get there even in spite of their subconscious programming or cultural conditioning that has them believing love and successful relationships are all about finding the perfect woman who can never, ever live up to that kind of an expectation. In fact, it's to our detriment that we would even try!
Don't look too far ahead right now. Stay with me. Remember who you are and what you have to offer. You're still the same beautiful woman you were when you first met him as you are right now.
Yes, there are people who stay together for all the wrong reasons and push through to make it work in spite of themselves. It can be so much easier to stay in unhealthy patterns and relationships that include those patterns no matter how dysfunctional and unhealthy they may seem, than grow into healthy relationships that ironically offer so much more than the familiar ever can.
But it takes two people willing to make that happen, able to reach deep within themselves to grow into whatever their comfort zones are pushing them into.
Without knowing you and him better than what you've told me here, I can only guess at what some of those mitigating factors might be. But I do know this.
If the two of you are truly right for each other, both of you will find a way back to each other one day.
And I do know this as well:
What is always - ALWAYS - the case, is that the only reason these relationships that hold so much potential don't work out is because you deserved so much more than he was capable of giving you.
I see this ALL the time. I hear this from women like you all the time.
After the pain. After the heartbreak. After the feeling of "How the hell am I supposed to trust any men again?"
Your path crosses with someone unexpected. You meet someone you never expected to. You find someone who puts all of this in perspective for you.
Don't look back and blame yourself. Don't look back and wish you could have seen this coming and prevented it somehow.
The future is still bright. There's still so much love waiting for you.
It's just a guy who didn't know what he's capable of. It's one guy who can't tell you what he's going through.
And you will get through this, too.
I wish I could make it all better and wind back the clock and change him back, too, Tori, but I can't.
But you know something? If he can change like this, I'm not sure you want him back. I can only be here for you and walk through this with you. The rest of your answers are going to come the only way they ever do; when you discover them for yourself in exactly the way you need them. Love will never, ever leave you behind!
Love,
Jane
Can you relate? Share your thoughts and comments with Tori in the comments below!
Hey Everyone, I’m going through the exact same situation except we were together for two years. I’m a freshman in college and my boyfriend and I were high school sweethearts and then out of the blue, I felt him becoming disconnected from me. I eventually called him on his bluff and he then told me how he “just didn’t love me anymore and that he wasn’t happy”. It felt so personal to me because he seemed like he was so committed to our relationship. He gave me a promise ring, told me he wanted to get married, have kids, etc. So it just felt like a slap in the face and it makes me keep wondering what I did wrong. It was so unexpected and I’m having such a hard time processing everything because I truly thought he was the one for me.
The fact that the duration of ur ex relationship and mine are the same and how they were so committed makes me feel like I’m not alone at all . My boyfriend out of nowhere broke up with me yesterday and I have 7 consecutive exams coming up . Not to my mention my birthday is only a few weeks away . I came to this site for the sake of my mind and saw ur cmt. I see it’s been months and I hope U’re healing now ❤️
The fact this literally just happened to me today.. This made me bawl my eyes out even more 🙁 I’m 27 and this is the first time I’ve experienced a real heartbreak. I honestly can’t stop crying and am so confused. I barely have anyone to talk to and it makes it hurt, i have no distractions and I’m just here sitting in my thoughts. We just broke off an almost 3rd year relationship and I’m really just hurt. He says it had nothing to do with my physical attributes, characteristics, etc... which is why I’m so confused he doesn’t want to make it work. But I guess I have to just deal with the reality he doesn’t love me anymore. I’m hurt :/
He's right. It has absolutely nothing to do with you, Fati, and that's why he's telling you it doesn't. And for the record, it's not that he DOESN'T love you anymore, it's that he's the one who's feeling confused and breaking up felt better than more confusion. Nothing about love, it's just what he's heard to say when he doesn't know what to say! Feeling for you over here, girl - and hoping reframing it for you this way helps. Hang in there.
Hello Ladies, reading this article and comments has brought some light into my life on the matter. As you can probably all assume from my being on this site, I am going through something similar. My boyfriend and I started dating while we were both going through divorce. He was head over heels crazy about me. We had a long distance thing going because I was a flight attendant living in Dallas, then Philadelphia and he is a pilot living in Arizona. We were still close to each other than ever during that phase in our relationship. I never once had any doubts about how he felt and I absolutely loved how I felt about him. Every day my love and appreciation for him grew. I was getting more and more attached. After our divorces were official, we grew closer and spent more time together. We made each other so happy.. until we didn't. About 7 months into the relationship I started to feel a distance between us. He was backing away. Our communication with each other started to wither and I knew there was something wrong. He would start being mean to me for no reason and there was a growing tension. Then 9 months into the relationship I brought it up to him and he ended up breaking up with me. He told me he didn't love me anymore but that he wished he did. I was dumbfounded. It was absolutely terrible and unexpected and it shattered my heart to pieces. It was hard for me to pull away, but I managed to do so. It felt like I was trying to let go of an addiction. One day and night at a time.. I lost so much weight and cried almost every single day. I even looked for attention with another man who pretty much offered to be my rebound... I know.. I was desperate. Then time kept passing and before I knew it, I wasn't crying some days. I was starting to eat normally again and I was staring to see my life without him. I saw hope. I quit my job as a flight attendant and started going to flight school. I was beginning to feel fine again, although I would still randomly miss him every day. Then one evening about a month and a half after the break up, he reached out. I was surprised.. but I didn't respond. Then he reached out the next morning. Again, I didn't respond. He reached out a third time that afternoon and I ended up responding and that was when we started talking again. He told me many things. Things probably all of us want to hear from a man who broke our hearts. He was dumb, he fucked up, he made a mistake. He said he still loved me and wanted to date me again. He said he ran from his love for me. He said he was afraid of loving me so much and it somehow ending up like his previous marriage. It took a short while and convincing, but I have him another chance. We were so happy together.. even met each other's families. It felt so much stronger than the first time, but fast forward 6 months to a couple of weeks ago. He started acting strange again. We living together this time and with covid have been spending a lot of time together not doing much. He has become distant again. That same feeling of something being wrong that I felt before we broke up the first time, it has returned. I talked to him about it and he admitted to me that he has fallen out of love with me. He says he doesn't know why or when and doesn't want to not love me. He said he wants to work through this with me. But idk how I am supposed to have faith in the relationship anymore when the person I love the most just told me that for no good reason, he has simply just fallen out of love. What is up with that? Is it even fair that I keep giving him so much of my love and yet I receive a pity love from him in return? A guilt love? I am just lost. I know I deserve so much more... I just don't know how to keep having faith in love when this happens to me three times.. with my ex husband and twice with my boyfriend. I do know that it is not my fault, yet it still strangely feels like I am doing something wrong..
this feels like me right now....literally the past 32 hrs after the.love of my.life of 6 years(living together with mine from previous marriage and his from previous marriage's children for past 5 years) looked at me after picking him up from work, and said in bawling tears that he was done. He loves me but has fallen out of love...and has felt this way for month maybe more but was not telling me and trying to force himself to see if he still had any in love feelings. I was blindsided honestly...he said that 3 weeks ago as we were on our way to Thanksgiving with close our bubble group of friends,that he didn't think we were happy any more, and when I said I was...that I should have paid attention that he didn't say same, so I should have been more aware. So it is my fault I honestly did not feel ANY changing of his feelings for me. He still held my hand kissed me, send me loving texts from work each day, and we had been intimate though not as often as he wanted and he had mentioned wanting to get tha back. So I had even planned a romantic night away for this coming weekend that he agreed to but then decided 2 days before laying it all me ,that he was indeed done....and told my best friend, his own father and even his ex wife but waited two days till he could no longer keep it in. Said it had been building, that we were too different ( though neither of us have changed since day we met and he said so many times he never wanted me to change for him nor would he for.me) and that he needs more....but what more he doesn't know. If he had had an open honest conversation a few months ago when it started we could have tried to work on things...the things I wasn't doing he needed like I have a medical condition and he feels that I haven't tried to fight my depression hard enough..and just wallow in bed to much and he needs to be out doing stuff but he never told me we were on brink of falling off the cliff...until he was already on way down.
How do I move on from the love of my life...and I know he was it for me because I am 46 and had been previously married plus in relationships that didn't work so I knew what I wanted....he is 46 previously married to the only other woman he ever dated and was intimate with...and he closed the door on us yet my gut tells me it isn't over ( I don't think it is my heart unwilling to admit it i do believe it isn't)but he has convinced himself it is right now and said needs time and space to figure what he needs ..someone help.me please!!
I experienced the same thing. My boyfriend and I were doing so well in our relationship until the start of September. Out of nowhere, he started being more.. aloof but he still opened up to me on why so I patiently stayed by his side and waited for him. On his birthday, he'd just told me how much his love for me was growing deeper but just a week later, he was asking for us to take a break without any contact because he needed to 'find himself' and I agreed. Little did I know, a week later he'd tell me that he didn't love me anymore. I was pretty shocked to say the least but I've been trying to heal from it and regain my self-confidence. The only thing is that I don't understand how someone could tell you that they love you so much only to suddenly wake up and go "I don't think I love you anymore."
I am going through the exact same thing, but the thing is, we were together for almost 6 years. I am also confused on how someone can love you so much and just wake up the next day not loving you anymore.
I won't admit it to my family, to my friends or to anyone that we broke up. I don't want to. Because if I did it is like giving finality on the break up. And I don't honestly know how to love myself anymore. I lost myself. I am very sorry for myself.
Find yourself again, Shueisha. This was about him, not you, but don't take this shame on you. You're worth more than he could see and that's where you start. Seeing in yourself what he could never - and was never going to - see. But first, get this shame off you. Own what happened. Why would anyone blame or shame you?
I know this is a comment years later on this post. But I am going through this, and I am mad that he didn't tell me earlier. And I don't know how you fall out of love. We are on a so called, 'break' like we are ross and Rachel but honestly. I can't care anymore. Is that wrong? Why didn't he lose interest?
I can totally feel you I have been in on and off relationship w boyfriend since 2 years and have known him for 4 years now
Everything was going great we got back together in January after a 3 month break and he seemed so in love with me and used to talk about future with me although things started taking turn in May when we started fighting quite a lot due to lockdown and he said he doesn’t feel the same for me but he wanted to give a try and everything went back to normal I even asked him if he loves me now or is still dicey but he would say he loves me fully now without a doubt he was struggling w mental health and career issues and I did all I could to help him I didn’t even demand time attention can you believe we didn’t even talk on calls of FaceTimes anymore but I just wanted to be there for him so I did everything but he got distant and one day I asked him if he loves me he said he doesn’t feel for me anymore it’s getting less and less his life isn’t sorted he doesn’t want a girlfriend but he can’t cut me off and wants me to still remain in his life as bestfriends because we were very close and I also agreed to it because losing him is too much but the very next day I lashed out my emotions and he hasn’t texted me after that although he did understand them. He’s a great guy still but sometimes your heart just doesn’t know how to accept and give up dreams
Something similar happened to me two days ago. He started having doubts in May (did not feel attracted to me anymore etc), like a year into the relationship, and we took a break. I went home to my parents for a week and when we met again everything felt like in the beginning when you are so in love. Sometimes we just need a break right? But then the ”doubt” discussions were happening again and the second time I had a panic attack because I was so scared that he would break up with me. But he said he wanted to fight for me and the relationship. Once again, it felt better for weeks. But it was like a cycle he had gotten stuck into. We would talk, it would get better but then he started thinking and analyzing. I think we had the discussion of why he was so doubtful if I was the right one, if he had any feelings at all etc 4 times. The last time we made a plan, he would start therapy to deal with some stuff that might be connected to our issue and soon we would move out to separate apartments. The Covid isolation has been difficult for many people and we had spent time together 24/7 for the past five months which had been challenging for me too. But two days ago he just made his own decision. He was feeling down all day and had anxiety, and in the evening he just broke up with me. He said he could not explain why, but he didn’t feel anything anymore.
Most guys are just full of shit. Having the almost similar experience like you (myself in the previous post as Lisa), I can only say that it has made me put my guard up and not let anyone take me for granted in anyway now. I feel we ladies give so much when it comes to loving men like this and they are just messed up, with the peter pan syndrome. When things get good, they self sabotage. I am still single and it still breaks me every now and then when I think back of all that times I dreamt of our future together. I have been practising law of attraction and journaling from this law attraction 'hello day planner' that I got on that same month after I felt like misery. I feel like it has helped me center my thoughts and be in line with my boundaries since. It is normal for everyone to want to be loved by a significant other(till now I crave a love so deep) but what is the point right, if they are going to break your heart, right? Till today, I still have no idea why he broke off with me like that and it breaks me till this very day but life goes on and I tell myself, why regret when that was what you wanted at that time. Whatever feeling you feel, just feel them. I have been crying so much but I only think it helps me get through, I also learnt how I am my own best friend. It is going to be hard but if you know deep down in your heart that you gave it your best with pure intentions, god/universe will take care of you. You got this. A woman is like a rose, if she is taken good care of, he will only then see love blossom xx
Same here, he just broke up with me saying he was not feeling it anymore. He said it was not my fault. I’m just so heartbroken and I feel scared. Do men like this ever realise what they lost or what? Love is something so precious. I just feel like no one is allowed to fall out of love with someone if they don’t have a valid reason. Just like parents - they don’t just fall out of love with their children unless something is bugging them like adultery/divorce etc.
He wasn’t even sorry about it. He just wanted me to understand that he fell out of love but I couldn’t, I just cried till he eventually ended the call.
Do they ever realise or do they keep doing it to every woman? Or do they be more careful with their next one-if they do have one? I’m just so destroyed by the thought someone you loved so deeply could do that to you. I really don’t think he’ll get anyone better cause no girl would have put up with him like I did. Loving someone is just so tiring & painful. I pray for the universe to take care of all women who go through this.
I'm experiencing a similar situation. I had been with my SO for almost 4 years and we had been good friends for 4 years before that. He often goes through periods of doubts and confusion about his feelings in the relationship and struggled whenever we experienced changes like when I moved closer to him after we had been long distance. We always worked through this and it seemed like our relationship just kept getting stronger. The last year everything seemed to be going great. We planned a future together and even went engagement ring shopping (which was his idea). Then two months after picking out the engagement ring he said he, "wasn't excited" to buy it and didn't know why. His thoughts never changed so he chalked it up to me not being the one for him. When I asked if there were any reasons that were causing his lack of excitement he couldn't give me anything. He said there were no red flags, I did everything I possibly could, and that he loved me and loved spending time with me. But he couldn't shake the feeling of his doubt and that was enough for him to end it.
I'm so sorry, Nicole. Remember that this is his feeling to shake, it's not on you and it's not even about you. His words are so telling "wasn't excited". Of course he wasn't, the reality hit, the fantasy went out the window and the place where real life and real love would have replaced a fantasy was left empty. It was enough for him to end it because he doesn't know the difference between what's real and what's a programmed fantasy and he wasn't willing to put in the effort to find that out. Please don't take this on you; if you want to understand him better, there's a whole psychological reasoning behind this that begins with how we socialize men from the time they're little boys and how low are expectations are of them that keeps them taking the easy "I don't know why and I don't need to figure it out because someone else will do that for me" way out. Hope this helps!
Thank you so much Jane. I really appreciate your response. This is very helpful. I am so happy to have found this website. Your articles have helped me gain perspective and have helped me stop blaming myself. Thank you ❤️
I'm so glad, Nicole!
Tori, I really truly feel for you Girl 🙁 I am going through the EXACT same thing you are right now - and it’s killing me. The hardest part is not knowing ‘why’ he fell out of love when you did absolutely everything right and there is no obvious reason why things changed. I, too, am now scared to trust a man for fear he will just “change his mind” out of nowhere. But we will heal, we will get better xxx know you did nothing but love him and you deserve this love you give xxx
This is exactly what I'm going through, down to every word. Everything was amazing in the beginning. We were both happy and talked everyday. He was frankly my best friend. But eventually, I could see a shift in attitude and we lost our spark. We talked about it amiably and maturely, it took me a lot of courage to confront it, and now we are taking a break. It really couldn't be helped. Like you said, we're both growing up and having different perspectives and thoughts, but it's still heartbreaking nonetheless. Thank you for the words and advice, they really help me.
So glad they're helping, Rylie. You're not alone.
i is so damn hard. my now ex boyfriend had pursued me for over 4 years, before finally i had agreed to be in a relatonship. we were in a long distance relationship from the very beginning, initially we used to meet once a month... everything was sweet and nice. he was my first ever boyfriend, it took me some time, but eventually i became so vulnerable and open. it used to feel so nice. but after about 2 and half years, he started behaving distant, would say he was skeptical about the future, and we used to start having fights over texts, and finally broke up over text saying that he still loves and missses me aand would want to be in touch, but the relationship was not very good for him and he doesnt want to be back together... and finally said that he fell out of love with me. and expected me to understand. 3 years of relationship just meant nothing? i am so devastated.
I'm so sorry, Devastatedbelle. So heartbreaking, especially when you took your time before opening up to him to make sure you were doing the right thing. You don't have to be understanding of him. That's for him, not you. Feel every one of your feelings and every single emotion that comes up for you. This is your time to grieve and mourn the loss of what you had every reason to believe was still to come.
“... That he would rather risk losing you than look within at his own behavior to understand why and do whatever work required of him to allow him to continue in relationship with you..”
I’m now in the same situation, everything was so right at the beginning ... and suddenly poooof he’s gone. So sad but there are so many men like these out there.