Getting a guy, attracting a guy, finding someone to love you has never been your problem.
Never.
Getting a guy who isn’t capable of seeing you, attracting someone who you actually want instead of the ones who mirror your own interpretations of what’s wrong with you and treat you accordingly, recognizing what it is you want in someone who loves you - these are the problem!
You want the guy who isn’t capable of seeing you to see you.
You want the guy who reminds you of someone else in your life who didn’t deserve your kind of love either.
And you’re basing love on such a short-sighted view of what it means to be loved that you’re missing the entire point of being in love with someone.
Love isn’t just a feeling.
Or if it is, and if that’s what love means to you, then accept that and go find someone who you can have that feeling with, without anything else. Just a feeling.
But then don’t expect anything more than a feeling that comes and goes, and ends just like any feeling does; kinda quickly.
But if that’s what you need love to be, don’t pretend you don’t. Just be honest with yourself and accept it and don’t get caught up in trying to change you and him into a love story that goes beyond simply feeling that feeling of love.
It’s amazing what accepting this about yourself can do!
Let’s talk about love.
Not the kind of love that’s just a feeling. Not the kind of love you’ve been sold in the movies or in those commercials marketing products to you that you don’t need, all to give you more of that kind of feeling. Not that kind of love.
The real kind. The lasting kind. The caring kind. The consistent kind. The reliable kind of love that you can trust.
That kind of love.
If you’ve never experienced it, it’s hard to imagine it, much less trust that it’s capable of happening to you.
But the irony is only that the closer you come to defining it, the more clear you can get on what it means to you personally, the more you’re going to attract exactly that in your life.
There’s actually two kinds of love. The real kind, and the unsustainable kind that’s been deeply embedded in your psyche from the time you were a little girl, reading about a princess and a knight in shining armor AKA the prince, coming to rescue her.
Only as long as the two of you are content to play your roles does this kind of love ever pan out for you.
What if you didn’t need to be rescued? And what if you recognized the price of having someone come to your rescue could never be worth the price you’d pay for that rescue?
What if this idea that you even need to be rescued is part of an illusion that only befits that fairytale?
It’s not that you need to give up on this idea because there aren’t men out there like that, but it’s because the kind who rescue aren’t the ones who also show up real. If they’re caught up in the “I’m going to rescue you” programming, they’re not going to be able to handle the parts of you beyond the ones that needed to be rescued.
They can handle “needing to be rescued” you, and “damsel in distress” you, but if you grow out of either of those roles or the ones you’ve been programmed with, it’s not easy to keep that kind of relationship going when one of you deviates from the status quo.
That's the problem.
And now you know the solution.
Love,
Jane
Are you seeing this with a little more clarity? If this resonated with you in any way, I'd love to hear from you in the comments. This one is as simple or as deep as you need it to be!
Hi Jane!
“When finding someone to love you has never been your problem” is one of your blogs posted in April. I’ve never read such an eye opening blog! Fortunately, this is not a problem that I’ve struggled with in my lifetime. However, the flip side is that I’m divorced from one man who saved a “damsel in distress” (me) and currently married to an older man that supported me and fell in love with during my divorce. We are currently on the brink of divorce after dating exclusively for 4 years and married for 2 1/2 years. I’m wondering if we’re having these problems because I am currently “back on my feet” in terms of my career goals, financially, spiritually, emotionally, mentally... (the list goes on and on). I have been able to identify the exact problem that has caused so much dissension between us. However, after reading your blog, I had to come to terms with the pattern that I’ve created for myself. I don’t want a divorce. I am still in love with my husband and he most of the time demonstrates that he is still in love me me. He recently told me that he is unable to be emotionally connected to me because he needs to focus on himself. What does this mean? Is this a red flag? Is my marriage based on a fantasy that has now run its course and now over? Please help me understand what I can do to save my marriage as I am no longer a “damsel in distress” but a woman who is living her best life on her own terms.
Sounds like you're onto something, Erika. Have you talked to him about this directly? Have you allowed both of you to be two separate individuals, remembering all the reasons you you fell in love with him, and not letting who he is take away from who you are? It's amazing the power of you remembering that you chose him can have on the both of you. You may have evolved so much, he doesn't know what to do with the new you. And he probably doesn't realize this, just the feeling of what it feels like to him. Accept him for who he is right now. Accept yourself for who you are right now. Is there still room for the both of you in your marriage? Who he is and who you are? If so, you've got some common ground to build from. What parts of him do you still value? What aspects of who he is do you still appreciate? Make a list of those things. Remind yourself why those things have meant enough for you to choose them in him, even when you weren't this strong before. How you see him can make all the difference in the world in how he sees you and your relationship, Erika. I've seen it turn around troubled relationships and marriages into something beautiful. If you want this, it's not out of reach. Change your response to him, to these changes, to the belief that it has to be one way or another, and see what change that brings about from there. Hang in there!