Gorgeous Maria keeps getting pulled back into a relationship, only to have him pull away and get distant again.
Here's what she wrote:
Hi Jane, thank you in advance.
I'm trying to figure out why my ex won't let go of me all together.
And why does he act weird/distant when it comes to us actually meeting for dinner or even visiting him out of town where he lives.
As soon as he knows I'm done with his games he leaves me alone for a week or so, then calls. We have fantastic conversations. When we text or call/face time it's fantastic. But when he sees me face to face he gets weird cold feet.
I've asked him why he acts this way - he says he doesn't know.
Jane, do you?
Thanks.
-Maria
My Response:
Yes Maria, I do know why.
Because it works for him. And because you allow him to.
This is so important for us to understand. A man will behave the way he does for so many different reasons that underlie the actions and the behavior he chooses. And no, he doesn’t have to understand why he’s doing it to be doing it.
We’re the only ones with the need to know why, to understand so we can know what to make of it.
But that’s us, not him. He’s much simpler than that.
This isn’t some long, well thought-out, complicated course of action that he’s spent any amount of time thinking about. Not at all. He’s simply doing what feels good to him, and that means pulling away when you get too close for his comfort, emotionally, physically, or mentally – sometimes all three.
Until you’re at a safe distance. Until he starts to miss you again. Then he’s back. Then everything's great until it all gets too close and too much for him again and he needs to create more space to regain his comfort level. It’s at that point that he pulls back once more.
The pattern will continue until one of two things happen.
Either you decide you don’t want to deal with this back and forth, push and pull behavior anymore and refuse to engage, or it stops working for him.
You’re the one completely in control of the first option. The latter is up to him.
The most important part for you to understand about his behavior though, is that it only continues as long as you’re willing to put up with it. It’s not your fault that he’s only capable of this kind of commitment (basically none at all!), but you're very much in control of how long this kind of behavior from him continues.
Don’t be worried about stopping engaging with him. Don’t be afraid that by stopping you’re somehow going to miss out on him being actually ready for something more and that you won’t get another chance.
If it's real, you will.
But right now he’s revealing to you a deeper issue with emotional closeness and intimacy, and if the two of you ever have a chance at a real relationship, these issues will have to be addressed by him.
After all, a real relationship is about togetherness, closeness - emotional closeness, emotional intimacy. And if he’s not capable of any of these, and a real relationship is what you want, this will never be enough for you!
I hope this helps.
Love,
Jane
So how about you, Beautiful? Do you have any other words of advice and/or encouragment for gorgeous Maria? Share them with us below in the comments!
alia says
Maria
I so understand how you feel. Jane thanks for helping the light bulb turn on for us
Maria, there are plenty of fish in the sea and I guess we have to think if we don't cut this one off the line, we can't free ourselves to catch new fish.
Jane I really like your phrase
Don’t be worried about stopping engaging with him. Don’t be afraid that by stopping you’re somehow going to miss out on him being actually ready for something more and that you won’t get another chance.
If it's real, you will.
That's what I needed to hear I've been getting the distant treatment and the one line texts. but don't want to cut connection in case.....
Time to cut this string or fishing line again
Thanks
Alia
Samegirl says
Oh my gosh - this is exactly what I've been going through. For a year and 10 months. A year ago I moved to the same town as him (it's where our graduate program is - so not stalking!). We now live 5 minutes apart on the same street! And the behavior didn't change. So much love in texts - sometimes calls. But virtually no in person visits. He's "so in love with me". I've stayed. Until now. We broke up on Wednesday. I'm doing everything to not contact him. We've been through this so many times. I deserve better than this. We all deserve better than this. The advice given above was exactly what I needed to hear. I picked up my phone thinking about responding to his last message. And the link to the above was in my email. Thank you. Thank you more than I can say. Because - EXACTLY!!
Jane says
Right on time! So glad this resonated with you, Samegirl. Next!
Carol says
Thanks Jane, so this is what's happening he draws in close then gets angry at me over little things -like shutting me out.Its on off on off for too long, just trying to hold out to take him to a special occasion but already another 2 breakups, so sad we are lovely together when he's good. Oh so seems to be a commitment problem, likes the intimacy..then it's all about what I'm doing wrong and when back together we can't resolve problems as doesn't want to be in the past were moving forward he says, so nothing gets resolved. I know im suposed to let go let my ex go!
Marie says
The key word is EX! Why are you even entertaining your Ex!! Let him go!
Jane says
Just like you, Marie, I have a feeling he's an ex for a reason.