The letter this week covers a topic that I hear from so many of you that I almost could have just written this as an open letter to the community!
Here's her email:
Hi Jane,
In November, I met a wonderful guy.
After the first date, he and I agreed that we felt a strong connection and wanted to date each other exclusively. My boyfriend is truly a great guy with all the qualities I've been looking for in a potential husband and father to future children.
We've talked of getting married and having a family in the near future.
Now for the part I'm struggling with and could use some advice...but let me start off by saying we do have an age difference...I'm 28 and he's 20. My boyfriend is unemployed. He has been since before we started dating.
I expressed my concern for this situation at the very beginning. He lives with his grandparents. He's basically the only member of the family that helps them with daily needs and chores around their house.
He uses his grandmother's vehicle.
In exchange, they take care of him financially (food, gas money, money for his war reenacting hobby, etc.)
My boyfriend says he is trying hard to find a job. It's my belief that subconsciously he doesn't feel the need to get a job...his grandparents take care of him, why would he want to get out and work?
Honestly, it's frustrated me so much that I've unfortunately had to resort to giving him a time frame of getting a job. I told him he has until the end of February to find some sort of job to bring in money or I was leaving. I tried helping him search but he got irritated and said he could do it on his own.
I felt like I was "mothering" him so I backed off.
Now for the part I'm struggling with: I'm in love with him and I know if I have to end up leaving him, I'll be miserable. He tells me he's in love with me and tells me he loves me multiple times during the day.
He doesn't ask me for money but I feel like I enable him in other ways (food at my house, I pay gas money when we go somewhere, etc.) We live an hour and a half away from each other, so we usually see each other every weekend.
I really don't see myself growing old with anyone else. What advice would you give me on this situation?
- Dani
My Response:
What do you do when the guy you’re dating doesn’t make as much money as you, when he’s unemployed, when he always has a reason he’s not more motivated to do what you think he should do?
What do you do when he has your heart, when you found him just when you thought you wouldn’t ever find anyone else, but then there’s this?
What do you do?
It doesn’t matter what we’re talking about here, whenever we’re talking about non-traditional cultural roles that are long-engrained in our society if not in our minds with our programming, we have to look at what it is we believe about love.
And money. And sex. And everything else.
No one is going to convince us, this can only come from us.
This is one I hear all the time. It’s one of the hardest things we’ll ever do. Because it touches on our programming, that deeply embedded belief system that says he has to make a certain amount of money, or have a certain type of job, or even have a job at all to prove he’s worthy of being with me.
The problem is our belief systems are so subconscious, we usually take them as truths, even though they’re simply our beliefs and so aren’t actually universal truths at all. They're just the way we personally believe things should be.
So my question to you with what to do about all of this, is to decide what he’s worth to you. If he doesn’t fit the image that everyone expected for you, is that worth more to you than he is? And then ask yourself whether this is, in fact, your problem, or someone else’s problem (or perception) that you’re allowing to be put on you?
You’ve got to get to the root of where this is coming from before you can look at it objectively. Once you’re clear, then you can decide your priorities.
Let’s face it, in this day and age where women have so many more opportunities than we used to have when we relied so much on our men, there are a lot more women who are the primary breadwinners while their husbands are either stay-at-home dads or some version of that.
It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks of these less traditional arrangements, it only matters what you think.
So if this is just the end result of someone who’s lazy or completely unmotivated and it reflects a bigger problem than just the job, then deal with that.
Look at whether that piece of this works for you. But if he’s more of a gentle family guy who you can picture taking care of the kids while you’re off having the career you love, then adjust your programming to allow for that scenario and see if that works for you.
I can tell you one thing, Dani - there's definitely a balance to all of this.
I spent most of my single life trying to make either the "hero" or the powerful businessman into someone who also possessed the gentle, loving husband (and future father of my children) qualities that I was really looking for.
Guess what - it just didn't happen.
I think what many of us really want is someone who comes home for dinner every night, who isn’t always on an airplane jetting off to everywhere but where we are, someone who can be counted on to be there for us when our cat needs surgery, when we have a bad day at work, or when we just need to know that someone really cares. Since you said he has "all the qualities I've been looking for in a potential husband and father to future children", this tells me this is what you really want as well. I could be wrong, but I'm guessing if you really look into your heart this is what's most important to you.
Anyone can get a job, but finding a man you love, who loves you the way you want to be loved, is committed to you, and is a wonderful husband and will make a wonderful father, that's a bit more rare.
When you know what that’s worth, you’ll know where to go from here – regardless of what anyone else can or can’t live with.
I think his age may also be a factor here (and it may be more of a factor than you realize as your relationship progresses.) Many people in the 20 year old range are just not ready to jump into the world of a 9 to 5 job, and he may be still trying to find himself.
My suggestion would be to relax and just enjoy the relationship, and see where it goes. Since you've only been dating for a few months, I'm sure you both have quite a lot to learn about each other. If everything else is still perfect after another 6 or 9 months, then I think him getting or not getting a job is not something to get worried about, so long as you're okay with being the breadwinner in the family.
For your own benefit, make the assumption that he's not going to change. If he does become more motivated in the future, it will be a pleasant surprise, but if nothing changes then you've already accepted it and it shouldn't cause ripples in the relationship.
But if your programming is such that you can't get past this, and you're just not ever going to respect him if he's not a go-getter, then you have to understand that about yourself, as that will likely cause serious problems in the relationship down the road.
This is where it really comes down to you. Changing someone else is very difficult, if not impossible, but changing yourself is something you can control.
You only answer to you!
I hope this helps.
Love,
Jane
What do you think about Dani's situation? Do you have any thoughts for her? Share your words of advice and/or encouragement with her below in the comments!
I guess I just see it differently. This fine young man does have a job he takes care of his grandparents and is the only family member who is. He's obviously kind hearted and caring. No one else in the family is and care facility's are outrageously expensive and state run ones are overcrowded and depressing.What he's doing should be commended and valued. Let's give him credit where credit is due.
Love your perspective here, Paula. There's always a place here to offer what you see. 🙂
I guess I just see it differently. This fine young man does have a job he takes care of his grandparents and is the only family member who is. He's obviously kind hearted and caring. No one else in the family is and care facility's are outrageously expensive and state run ones are overcrowded and depressing.What he's doing should be commended and valued. Let's give him credit where credit is due.
I hate to say it, but this does feel like you're mothering him as he puts it. You can't shape someone to fit your needs. If you can't accept him for who he is, you have to walk away.
I became a mother at 21, my partner was 20, he couldn't handle the responsibility, and though we worked at things, had another child, and really tried. He just wasn't ready to settle down. He was too young, even though he loved being a dad, and we were head over heels. Settling down so young led to all kinds of problems and it tore us apart. If you can wait until he's ready, stay with him, if you're ready now, leave. If he's the one for you, he'll come back to you when he's ready to commit to settling down if you haven't already found someone else who's ready now like you are.
On another note, I'm now 38, and last year met a guy who I got on well with, and we started seeing each other. He was 34, and our situation was exactly like yours, and hour or so away, seen each other at weekends, always my petrol money as he wasnt working (but I'm trying so hard to find work, this is only temporary) as our relationship evolved, he became lazier, it transpired that he had in fact never held down a job for more than 6 months, and although he told me he'd done numerous courses 'just to keep his brain active' while looking for work, he had in fact never actually completed the majority of the course work. I had to break up with him, I need someone with ambition to do something with their time, not just sit around allowing their mother to keep them (he did have his own flat, but sponged off his mother for meals through the week, and rent money, and as it turned out pretty much everything else!). I broke up with him after 6 months, it became clear that he was happy to just coast along as long as someone was there to pick up the slack. That isn't about me wanting money from a man, I've lived on my own with my kids for 10 years with no support from their father, I work full time while studying towards a degree and being a damn goodd mother. I don't need anyone to take care of me. But I do, personally, want a man who can bring the same things I do to the table. With him it was always someone else's fault, always about what he deserved, not what he'd earned.
You need to ask yourself, if this is the person he is, if he doesn't want something more for himself than being kept by his grandparents, or you, are you satisfied with that? If not, that isn't his responsibility, it's yours, to not settle for less than being in a relationship that doesn't satisfy you. You can't mould him into someone he's not, and you deserve a relationship that satisfies you on every level.
Nicola,
I see so many friends who get stuck in a relationship like the one you just described and ended, that I had to write to say how fantastic it is that you were able to retain or regain some objectivity and end it. Well done!!
And I wanted to share that the "healthiness" of your comments, from your observations of your relationship with your ex to this one and your advice, remind me so much of how certain other friends of mine started to sound (and put in practice) before they finally met the right guy!
Stay strong!
something tells me that she is not satified on all diferent levels. don't stay in something you don't feel completely happy about because if this is an issue now its going to be an issue later on if its not resolved. she needs to either accept how he is or leave because dragging it on is not going to help. if you can't feel proud of who he is, what he does, then whats the point of being with him?
With the age difference, you two are going to be on a different page. He's still in his young and irresponsible years, and you're getting closer to 30 and are ready for a family. He doesn't actually have the desire to build a career and work on his education to get that career. There are so many financial difficulties and challenges that come up in life, so I believe it's important to have a partner who can hold their own in that regard. Believe me, I've done it twice in past relationships the other way, and it just fell apart. It took me until my mid 30s to figure it out. I know there's always fear that you'll never find anybody else. But just enjoy your life, work on yourself and become the person you want to be, and the right man will show up, and he will have a career and be on the same page as you.
I was so SO different at 20 and so were most of my friends and all the guys I knew....
There is always that rare "old soul," but they are very rare and often they still need a few more years to 'season' before they are ready.
It sounds like this guy still has his fun and footloose years ahead of him. And then, later, he may make a very good boyfriend again. But then he may be single again, before being truly ready to settle down and have a life and family.
And I not being mean about him re that. In fact, there is nothing wrong with that or where he is at the moment:
These "fun years" as well as each experience he'll get with a different relationship, the passing of time in general as he matures, along with the jobs he takes when HE is ready and what he learns from them (or the lessons he learns as HE realized he needs a job)... ALL will mold him into someone different and into the man he will be when he marries.
Personally, I wouldn't want to interfere with that process.
Plus, unless I was just thinking of fun dates or was in similar spot as him (not really thinking ahead yet), then I also wouldn't want to risk being one of the girls he learns /grows with which is what any woman he meets now might likely turn out to be. (Instead of the one he ends up with),
and ... I wouldn't want to be another adult paying his way , which is what it sounds like you'll end up being,
either with your money , your valuable time, your hopes and dreams, or
with the wonderful life experiences you could be having soon
with people around your age and sharing similar plans /mindsets,
or -most likely- with a combination of all of the above valuable commodities you have at this moment.
I realize this is hard to read 🙁 , but he IS only 20 and it sounds like he is a typical 20 year old but with a huge heart to care for his grandparents ,
but still only 20 with several years ahead to form and change him into the type of man you really rather have or to a man ready for more (and there no guarantees at this point that time will do that).
And nothing we can do or say or reason or rationalize can change that fact ....
I would try to step back and fill your life with people who already are making the type of life (or working towards it) that you have or want. I don't mean just in terms of job or money but also adult independence, responsibility, and lifestyle .
Take what you love about this guy and look for someone with those qualities but also who is where you are in life and is ready to grow with you.
He IS out there!!
One thing I think Jane was spot on: people don't change.
We can only change ourselves.
I was in a relationship 9 years ago. He was 5 years younger than me - I was 24 he was 19. We were together for 2 wonderful years. We broke it off because, as he said, he still loved me but he couldn't stay in a serious relationship. I was broken hearted - I was done, he was the One and I was devastated for not being able to take it easy on him (I agreed it was better to break it off, but I thought it was all my fault for somehow pushing him).
Last year he came back, wanted do see me, he said he missed me... It was wonderful. We spent a whole weekend together, I was on cloud nine.
Never heard of him after that. (I thought I deserved more respect after our history).
When I confronted him he said it was a great weekend but he wanted nothing more, he didn't want a serious relationship.
After 9 years he still doesn't want what I want, he's 28 now. Imagine if I had waited!
It's not your case, but it's an example of how people don't change.
Be sure you can accept him for what he his.
Oh Anna. Reading your comment made me hurt. Ouch. I'm so sorry he pulled that on you. You did indeed dodge an enormous bullet. Selfish selfish character.
That's sweet, thank you Angel. ❤
I read this and was thinking about my situation. Add 20 years to his life and three children to support and he quits his job with no family to step up for him. This is what happened to me. I was in a relationship with a guy like that.
I had to look at my life. I am also a single mom, underpaid and underappreciated, but I stay at my job and continue to look for other work. I left the guy because at this point in his life it's just irresponsible behavior.
I'm not saying this young man will end up that way, but you need to think about the possibility.
If it weren't for Jane teaching me self boundaries and self love, I might have stayed in this sad situation. I'm so glad I didn't. Being alone isn't the worst thing in the world. Be choosy! You are worth it.