Before he can commit to you, he needs you to commit to this …
This.
Just this one thing is going to make all the difference in the world between whether or not he gives you the one thing you’re looking for.
A decision.
Your decision.
It’s a place where all your power becomes real.
If we take out all his potential, if we remove any and all traces of our programming that says we’re somehow supposed to be enough to change him in any way, if we take all the information we’ve been given so far about who he is and how he behaves, we’ve got some questions to answer before we can settle this once and for all.
Can I accept this person he’s showing himself to be by his words and his actions?
Can I accept how he treats me?
Can I accept how he priorities me?
Because if you can commit to this – to a decision to accept who he actually is right now and not the person down the road who you think he might have the capacity to become – then we’ve got something to work with.
Committing to this decision that you’ve made means you can accept him.
And when you accept him, you can see the little boy inside him as well as the man he’s showing you on the outside. Most men have been cultured to be strong in the ways our culture knows strength. Not to cry, but to stuff their feelings. Not to show they care, but to pretend they don’t.
Even when they do. Especially when they do.
He’s as caught up in the role he’s supposed to play as you are with the role you’re supposed to be playing. Only we don’t realize we're role-playing. That underneath our roles that keep us on the surface, is a desire in both of you to go deeper.
But we’ve never been told how to and we’re too used to pretending we don’t need to.
Now here comes the part we almost miss.
As long as he keeps playing right along with his role, you can keep playing yours. Around and around you both go. This is why we wait. This is why we stay. This is why he goes away only to return and then we go around and around with him some more.
He can’t change for you. If he does, if he could, it would mean you had all the control.
Remember, he can’t stand to be controlled by you. That’s way too familiar to him. Loved by you, yes, but not controlled by you. And no matter how much you try to change him by only loving him more, he sees right through it straight to anything that even hints as control, simply because it is so familiar to him.
There’s a reason he met you. There’s always a reason our paths cross with someone. For both of you.
You’re his inspiration that there’s still hope for a little thing called love that he’s not so sure exits anymore, as much as he’s scared deep down of how he feels when he’s with you. You call him to something more than he’s ever experienced before. You show him a kind of love that’s deeper than he’s ever gone before. And as for you? Well, you know all too well what he does for you.
But what does a little boy do when he’s scared?
He runs. Or he tries to run and if that doesn’t work he gets mean. He doesn’t use “I” statements and say “I’m scared”. Instead, he holds back, pulls away, creates some space to get back to his comfort zone. Or turns it on us if he can’t.
You have to know this. You need to know this.
And then you need to decide if you’re ready to commit to it, too.
Because when you say you’re willing to do whatever it takes to keep him, to have him in your life, it means you’re willing to accept him – all of him, including who he is right now as well as what you hope he might become tomorrow.
That’s not settling. That’s you owning your right to choose. That’s you standing in your power, recognizing that you’re the one doing the choosing.
Yes, even here, Beautiful. Especially here. That’s you. Beautiful, Confident, Radiant You.
Can you? It’s so easy to say, but to live it is something else. Just watch what happens when you make the commitment you think it’s up to him to make. Just watch, Beautiful. Our shifts happen in all kinds of ways, including this one.
Let me know below in the comments what it shifts for you!
Thanks for all the insights.
I still didn't have my "a-ha!" moment and still don't have the feeling I need to give up on him, but guess what, he doesn't know what to do with me. Doesn't want me to leave, doesn't want to date me. 5 months from now we had all prepared for wedding and I found out (not by him) that he doesn't want it, is tired of a relationship, wants rest butnhe didn't have the courage to tell me cuz he didnt want to hurt me. He hurt me nevertheless.
And now I'm leaving hanging.
I'm willing to accept him just as he he, praying that it will only gt better, that is our relationship, closeness, etc.
I love him and know he loves me, just need the commitment. We can work on all of our differences as they present themselves. No matter.
I'm willing and ready.
Jane, this post is so amazing. The shift that happened for me, once I made the decision to walk from a man who kept pushing me away, because of his own fears, was one of empowerment. The man he was in the beginning was the one I fell in love with. However, that man disappeared years ago and I continued to wait for him to come back. The decision to stay with him, for those few years, created a not-so-positive shift, where my self esteem dwindled down to nothing. Anyways, after this experience, I absolutely KNOW that the cards lie in my hands and as soon as I am mistreated and feel like I have to hide myself, I'm walking and wishing him well. The women reading your blogs are those who want deep connections and are looking for true love, so you are speaking to them. The men you write about so often, would best be suited for women who aren't as interested in going too deep. Thanks again Jane. Absolutely loved this post!
So happy to hear how much this resonated with you, Steph. We deserve nothing less than those deep connections and true love and I'm thrilled you're hearing this call from your heart and have found your own truth within! Thank you for allowing yourself to be found here, for allowing me to be a part of your journey. I'm so honored to be a part of it and to see the shifts happening with you!
Wow. Your emailed article could not have been more timely or powerful to me. I just broke up with my partner of 18 months after only a few weeks of him moving in with me. When I read your 3 questions to ask yourself before commiting I realised that you had just put into words the internal turmoil I was having with myself, and the reasons why we broke up after moving in together. At his best i could answer yes to the questions. But at his worst a definate no. We are both post divorce with a child each so this does cause additional complexities. We were arguing as we were under pressure trying to blend 2 families with resistance from the children. But also as communication and post divorce sensitivities meant things escalated instead of being dealt with when I raised my concerns about things and he withdrew and eventually walked out rather than deal with the problems. It was emotionally harrowing. Your article helped me understand why he withdrew and ran away, but not what I could have done differently. How things were became unacceptable to me. Re can he change....I agree not for me. But he has now realised he was being inflexible, defensive and perceiving every issue as a personal criticism. He is now getting therapy to help with these things. But not for me.....for him. He wants to change. I now dont know whether to wait around and hope he can change in the future or whether to move on. Thank you for a thought proving article which helped me reflect on the situation.
I'm so glad this resonated with where you are right now, Lisa. Thank you for sharing. This must have been so hard for you to go through. Trust yourself that you'll know, Lisa. Just like the timing of things like this that are never mere coincidence, you'll watch, you'll know what information you need, and then you'll know what your next steps need to be for you. That he's going to therapy is huge, but whether it is huge for you will be told in time. So true, not for you, but in doing it for himself, you'll know, too.
I agree with you on this. It is worse than casting a vote to a wrong candidate. Hilary or Trump, neither of them is perfect. We bear their behavior, their actions only for 4-8 years. But a committed relationship is for many years. I will make sure that my guy and I are ready for this.
Thanks for your advice,
A.
So glad it resonated with you, Angela. Exactly!
Wow this is powerful. My significant other were just taking g about this today. On the words you need to drink water lol. The matter of choices.
So glad this resonated with you, Robin. It's a fascinating thing, getting into this matter of choices. That you and your significant other are able to talk about this is huge!
Thank you for letting me know this. I understand now but Im not sure if I can commit to this. Im just not sure
That's why it's here, Zerlina. We're never sure until we are - and then we absolutely know what we need to do. That's when the shifts happen and we're ready to see through a lens that we've never seen through before!
"You’re his inspiration that there’s still hope for a little thing called love that he’s not so sure exits anymore, as much as he’s scared deep down of how he feels when he’s with you. You call him to something more than he’s ever experienced before. You show him a kind of love that’s deeper than he’s ever gone before."
So in other words, we are just used as stepping stones to a new, "better" woman? like a "practice girl"?
Only if we choose to be used like a stepping stone, Elisia. It's always our choice, even - especially when - it feels like it's not.
Wow, this is exactly what I'm going through right now. You read my life..... unbelievable
I'm so glad this came through for you right now, Jasmine. Thank you.
I agree. Accepting the man and all that he is will make him know he is safe to commit. It's not all about how I feel but what I know deep down inside. I never knew why the man I loved and who loved me went off with another woman and that was because I wasn't able to make him realize that I accepted him! Not if he accepted me but if I accepted him he would have felt secure. He later told me that he felt he wasn't important to me and that was his little boy inside asking to be accepted. When someone else showed him attention he jumped atvthe chance to feel adequate and admired and needed and yes loved! But that new relationsship didn't last either. I'm fact we are both single and five years ago we were almost married. Yes accepting the man you love and letting him know you accept him is going to shift your relationship for sure. He did have a career as a pilot and was not communicating well when he was gone and that made me feel insecure too. But if I could have worked through those feelings by myself and had self composure while he was away and really let him be him instead of being over emotional and pushing him away or crying too much he might have taken me with him. He was waiting to see if I could handle him and accept him WHEN ALL THE WHILE I THIUGHT IT WAS ME WHO NEEDED TO BE ACCEPTED . His decisions right or wrong were going to be his decisions and when a man has to make a decision and we dont agree with it or that fail at soemthing or really aren't perfect like we had hoped we still can show up as a friend to them and accept they are human and not super human! You can accept the man you say you love when he makes decisins that you dont after with or does his own thingvhisbown way and respect the different way he sees things and stand by him when he hurts you or himself. That means that we are his best friend. And thats how relationships last a life time. We all make mistakes and we all have our own way of seeing things. Respect those differences and when he commits to you for life remain his confidant and relaize he is insecure at times and needs you to be loving and supportive kind and capable. if you can accept that Even if he is not perfect he is stlll deep down doing the best he knows how you will be happier too. And he will appreciate that and let youbin deeper.
Make sure you don't fall for the extreme of wanting to be perfect. It's great that you take responsibility for your share, but don't take on his stuff. Your post sounds a bit like you're making yourself responsible for things that belong to him alone. You need to feel fully accepted, too. It's a two way street.
Yes, Angel, my words, too, yes!
And you deserve to be happy, too, Kelli. To be loved for who you are. To be accepted for everything that you are and everything that you're not. It's such an empowering place to be in when we can see this from both sides, but always remember your own beautiful heart, too!
I am starting to understand this now. It is about me choosing and deciding if I want to give a relationship a chance. About giving love first without expectations. To accept and love what is right now. To be able to explore the relationship. But to not be blind to signs that tell me that he doesn't want the same as I do. Reading your blogs, Jane, and everyones' comments has helped me to get through unhealthy patterns. To remind myself that there is more to a relationship than physical attraction and accepting someone who doesn't want the same commitment. Thank you so much.
You've got this, Maria. So glad it's all becoming more and more clear for you!
I'm done, after 3 years of being there only when it works for him. I passed up two men that were mature enough for a relationship. I still think of what could have been and hope through this site I can move on and be in a healthy and happy relationship one day!
It may seem small, Kris, but it's huge. Recognizing when we're actually done - when we choose to be done - calls in every resource and power in the entire Universe to come right along with you and move forward on the other side of done!
Did I let the wrong one go???..... After 2 wonderful years (plus years of friendship) I asked him what we were and he said he didnt know. I cut contact and even asked him to not text me yet he still messaged me and sent a gift for my birthday 3 months later. I think about him all the time and stop myself from contacting him, like I think it should be up to him (I do miss him lots!) I know he avoids certain social events cos he doesn't know how things would be and I often think he is waiting for me to extend the "olive branch" just to start talking again...... Grrrr what do I do?
Tanya, you need to give a little more info. If those 2 years were really wonderful, plus you were friends before then he probably wouldn't have come up with an "i don't know".. or he thought it would be better to remain as friends.
If you drop the "shoulds", what are you left with, Tanya? Start there. And then ask yourself what makes him the "right" one?
What if one tries and tries? What if it feels one sided? What if it's impossible to make it committed after seven years?
What if it's so difficult to have two people compromise to a "normal" healthy partnership?
What if there's no direction?
What if we could never find a solution cause he always has an excuse?
What if it's all his way?
What if I finally left... again?
What if he's 73 and I'm 69?
What if he never chased me?
What if it's all on his terms and he wants to stay a little boy?
Then you still get to choose, Isabella! You've never under any obligation EVER to choose what you can't live with. We can only go for so long pretending we can live with what we can't if the truth is that we can't. But it's your "I can't". It's your "I won't". It's your "I can't live like this anymore." Own that kind of power - your beautiful power! - and you shift to where you're the one answering every one of your questions because you know deep down what they are.
I except him for who he is . he is a good person . and I love him
And now you have clarity!