Our letter this week comes from our beautiful friend, Madeleine, whose boyfriend of 4 months has suddenly pulled away.
Her Question:
Hi Jane,
I have just discovered your website and videos and they are amazing!
Here is my situation: I dated a guy for 4 months and really liked him.
Mid-July he came over to my place to tell me that he felt disconnected and needed a 3/4 month break without communication at all to see how he really feels about me.
He also said that it did not mean that it was over but he just needed a break as he is going through a lot and he feels lost at the moment.
It was the 3rd and my birthday last week, no news from him... If at the end of the 4th week he has not contacted me, I am not quite sure what to do...
Many thanks for your time and help.
All the best,
Madeleine
My Response:
Dear Madeleine,
Firstly, I just want to welcome you to this beautiful community of women who understand what you’re going through. I’m so glad my website and videos are resonating with you!
Now I have to tell you something about the 3-4 month mark in a new relationship. That’s the first stage of commitment.
If you make it past that mark without a shift, without him pulling away right around that timeline, you’ve got a chance at making it to the next phase, and then a greater chance of making it to the next one after that until you’ve found yourself in the relationship you’re looking for – a fully committed one!
But the problem almost every one of us has with this timeline is that we make it about us. We believe that if we’re enough to motivate him to overcome his own qualms around committing, if we can show him we’re worth it, he won’t hesitate to get his act together and do whatever he needs to do to make that commitment.
We make it all about us proving our worth to him, proving everything that we bring into the picture to make the stakes so high, that we don’t allow him to do the one thing he needs to do: show us who he is and why we should give him our heart!
Instead, it’s the opposite of what we do.
If at the end of the 4th week he hasn’t contacted you, accept that he hasn’t contacted you. Accept that he’s feeling lost and has done the best he knew how to communicate this to you.
And what’s the one thing I want you to absolutely make sure you don’t do?
Take this personally. Let what he thinks about you color what you think about yourself.
Without knowing more details of what went on between the two of you, it’s hard to say what exactly happened. But one thing is sure. We pick who we do for a reason. We choose who we want as well as who we don’t.
And so does he.
Where we get confused is when we make his choices an indication of our worth, instead of recognizing that we all have things that attract us to someone just as we have other things that would have us preferring someone else over him.
In other words, we accept and reject who we do not because there is something so inherently wrong with someone, but because we are who we are.
We need to allow him to do the same!
So don’t chase him. Don’t reach out to him. Don’t try to accidentally or coincidentally contact him.
He’s told you everything you need to know. He’s lost, unsure, uncertain, and needs space. You’ve given him space. You’ve given him time. You’ve done everything you can.
Could it have been an amazing and incredible relationship that it seemed it had the potential to be? Maybe. But only if both of you are on the same page and looking for the same thing. Only if the two of you are both willing to put the effort in to give it a shot.
Don’t judge your worth by whether or not he’s up for that! If not him, there will be someone else who will be.
In fact, these misses that we stake so much on are actually blessings in disguise because they free us up to find someone who isn’t lost, who CAN commit, who wants to get to know you and become unlost in the process and isn’t ambivalent about what that means to him.
And that's the guy you really want, Madelaine.
And he’s the only one you want. Period.
I hope this helps.
Love,
Jane
What are your thoughts? Do you have any other words of advice or encouragement for our beautiful friend, Madeleine? Share them with us below in the comments!
Hi Jane,
I have searched a lot to find this article again and read it carefully! It happened exactly the same to me last night. My boyfriend (we are dating more than 7 months) came to my place and told me that he is really confused and doesn't know what to do. He told me that he really loves and doesn't want to hurt me but he is not ready for marriage. He thinks that his family will be against our marriage . At the end he told me that he needs a break. What should i do? I was shocked and couldn't say anything last night.
Thanks for your support
Parisa
going through the same thing with my so-called "guy" (we have been secretly dating for 7-8 months). Thought it was all well...except he didn't want our relationship to be on the open (to his friends, family, etc).... I told him how I felt -- and don't want to play games. Emotionally I am upset that he couldn't commit or define our relationship. now, we are in limbo -- but I know it is time to move on. I've been in unhung relationships -- it hurts.... but some where, some day... the right man will be on your path (and hopefully in mine too). stay true to yourself.
Exactly, Kl!
I moved in with a guy after my grand daughter and I got evicted from our apartment. I met him 2 month before we got evicted, he was all loving and sweet at first. I had no place else to go. I still live with him, my grand daughter moved back to another state with her mom. Now he says he loves me but is not in love with me. He is still nice to me, but sometimes he gets a guy and frustrated and he constantly reminds me that we are only roommates. It is a one bedroom apartment, so we sleep in the same bed. I still have no place to go, because l have an eviction and very bad credit right now. It is not to bad, but not to good either. I am working full time, but have to pay lots of money back. We share the rent, right down the middle. We live just like a married couple, we have occasionally sex, go shopping together and even on vacation . But he still says he loves me and is not in love with me, but would miss me if l would leave. I wonder if he just do not want to to admit that he is in love with me, or is afraid of it. I hope l can move out one day, that would tell me if he would want to be with me, instead of being forced to be with me. Thanks to Jane, l am learning to keep my feelings in check and a lot more. I am so thankful for that.
I'm going through the same thing, the guy I've been on and off with for 4 years just ended things with me again. His parents are going through a divorce he said he can't handle me that I'm too much right now that we fight to much. I'm heart broken I feel like he is my soulmate. I haven't heard from him he promised he'd reach out and hasn't. He claims he doesn't want a commitment and doesn't see him ever dating someone again. I am having such a hard time letting go. I don't know what to do everyone says keep busy but all I want to do is wait. :-/
My love of my life boyfriend did the same thing after one year. He went from making future plans, telling me I'm his soul mate, he would die for me, etc to telling me he can't ever get married again & wants to be single forever. I cried for 6 months, giving him space, trying to date other people. I couldn't seem to quit him, no matter what. He still calls & tells me how much he loves & misses me (even last night) but still no commitment.... He knows he is lost, scared, jaded about marriage due to a horrific and ongoing divorce for years. That's just who he is & has nothing to do with me. He might heal & be in a better place some day & regret his actions. Potential is NOT a quality. You can't date potential! And sure as hell can't marry potential. It's less painful to go back out there & be open to meeting the right person than waiting for Mr Right Now who isn't at 100 %. Timing is everything. Change your standards to finding emotionally available men. They are out there & are also looking for that rare find - us!!
It is like a lot of guys are addicted to just the first few months of a relationship when they are high on the dopamine of love and all their endorphins are tingling. I blame this on the media which offers them unrealistic , but infinite possibility of finding more love . They are love high junkies.
I fully agree with Michelle.
One of my mantras while dating...don't put all your eggs in one basket. I like to either be greedy with my eggs or spread them around like it's Easter!
If he's acting like this at 4 months, this will be an ongoing rubberband thing for him. Just walk. No need to play games with him. Let him grow up on his time, not yours. Know your worth and be good to yourself. You were a whole, functioning woman before any of these men so you'll be one if they are no longer around. You deserve to be treated like the queen you are. Find your King.
Dust yourself off. Get back out there. If its like this so early on, it will always be this way.
He may come back, but dont sit around like hes your only hope in happily ever after. Go out, date. See whats out there.
He knows what he wants. It isnt you hun. Sorry. But hes taken the cowards way out.
You my girl deserve to be adored.
Go date. You belong to no one. date a few guys and see what you like.
I get it. Right now he feels like the one.
But best way to get past this is to get back out there and see whatsgonna come your way. Mr right 🙂 im 49 and getting married after years of guys like this. Jane is right.
Move on babe. You deserve more. You are worth far more.
Your are right Jane, but sometimes the heart wants..... what the heart wants! It's getting pass that period which seems endless at times, My advice keep busy, very busy. As time heals all wounds -- ? Summer