One of our gorgeous readers, Geena, writes to tell us about her boyfriend of 4 months who's pulling away and still doesn't consider what they have to be a relationship!
Her letter:
Hi Jane,
I have been dating a guy for over 4 months. I felt immediately connected to and comfortable with him, which is unusual for me, as I'm shy. In the beginning he gave me a lot of attention via text and phone calls when he was away for work.
He is out of town for work all week and is only home on weekends. He has his kids every other weekend, so that has left us with only 2 weekends a month to see each other.
For the first few months we got together every weekend we could, but only for one night, not the entire weekend.
He's been very open with me about himself.
He has made himself vulnerable by telling me about insecurities he has and things that happened to him in past relationships and in his childhood. He's extremely affectionate and appreciative when we are together. He truly makes me feel like I am the only woman on earth when we are together.
About 6 weeks ago I asked him if he felt we had the healthy and mature relationship he had told me he wanted in the beginning and wanted he kids to see. (I haven't met his kids yet, and completely understand his feelings about not introducing them to a woman until he is in a relationship with her).
He said that he felt it was healthy and mature but not yet a relationship.
After the first talk, I told him I was going to start seeing other people if we were not going to be in a relationship (I now feel like that was a mistake). I did this to avoid being hurt by him and told him so.
I went back on the website we had met on, and I saw that he was still on there. He had never left it.
True we were never exclusive, but it hurt that we had been seeing each other for months and he continued looking.
It was a week before we had any contact after that. Our first contact was him calling me to tell me that he was bringing me food at work that he had cooked. He had never made a gesture like that before.
This led to us having several discussions on what his idea of a relationship was; what mine was; whether he had thought about us having a future together (he said he had but hadn't decided yet); whether he thought there was a possibility of a future (he said "of course").
I ended up leaving the website and telling him it was because I was tired of hearing the same lines and lame compliments from men. Later I admitted to him that I just wasn't interested in anyone but him.
After he brought me the food though, we still haven't been in contact as much when he's on the road, and the past two weekends that we could have seen each other, he was not able to see me.
It has been a month since we have seen each other.
Now I am facing another weekend and wondering if we will see each other or not. I am not even sure if I should ask him about getting together.
I have talked to friends about this, but none of them seem to know what to think. I feel like I have made a mess of things and don't know if it is fixable. Is there any sense in waiting to see if he will want to commit?
Should I just throw in the towel and walk away?
- Geena
My Response:
Dear Geena,
This is what we do all too well.
We assume we’re on the same page because we’re doing so much together, he’s coming in with the attention by his calls, texts, etc., and then sometime around the magical timing of about 3 – 4 months - right on cue - there’s a change.
Then, instead of looking at the reality of what his response to your questions and his actions are telling you - like the fact that he’s STILL right there on the same website where you found him in the first place - you turn this on the only person you feel like you have any control over; you.
THIS is what we do so well!
When we can’t control his response, we turn it on ourselves. You feel like you’ve made a mess of things because he’s allowed it to become a mess.
But it takes two! Don’t blame yourself here.
You’ve got a guy who you feel like you have to measure up to because he’s clearly holding the reigns of this relationship so that the only way you feel you can get a temperature reading on where things stand is by coming right out and asking him, in essence, ‘do we qualify’, otherwise known as “Am I worth it?” or “Am I worth committing to?”
It’s disguised as “Is this relationship measuring up to your criteria?”
And then his defining response that gave you that temperature reading with his assessment that it wasn’t quite there for him, and certainly not the way you were defining it as a “relationship”.
Ouch! I can feel from here how that must have felt to you.
It’s no wonder you told him you were going to start seeing other people – and then later regretted that because now he’s got something to pin on you. You needed something to get you out of there, something to shake off his response.
And so you offered up what little you had left to restore a piece of your dignity and give you a chance to hold your head back up again. Isn’t that what we say when there’s nothing more we can say?
I’m moving on. I’m going to start dating other guys.
We want him to stay. To say no, I’ve changed my mind. To go back to the way he was in the beginning.
Before we sensed the change that made that kind of uncomfortable conversation necessary, if only to confirm what we already sensed to be true.
It IS fixable, Geena. It is absolutely fixable.
But not by you, by him. You didn’t do anything wrong. You brought up that conversation and responded the way you did because you felt his answer even before he gave you one. That conversation didn’t change what was already going on with him.
It’s a mess created when two people are on two different pages. When one or both aren’t being honest with the other about what they want and what’s really going on behind the scenes. When they don’t know themselves – and aren’t willing to go there to find out – the messiness gets messier.
It's no wonder we don’t understand when men pull away!
You don’t have to just throw in the towel and walk away. You don’t have to wait around to see if he’ll want to commit.
You’ve got another option.
You can get busy, get beautiful, and get grounded in your own beautiful power.
You can allow him to be himself and show you and prove to you over time that he’s truly worthy of you. If this relationship is sustainable, if it’s going to stand a chance, you’ve got to allow him to see you for who you really are.
He can’t see you when you lose yourself in him. He can’t see you when you’re deferring to him and what he thinks of the relationship instead of deciding for yourself whether what you’re getting from him is enough for you.
He knows where you stand. Now it’s time for you to see where he stands. From a distance that still protects you!
Love,
Jane
What do you think our gorgeous friend Geena should do in this situation? Share your thoughts with her (and all of us) below in the comments!
I see a fundamental issue here. As has been the case, between the sexes, since the beginning of spoken and/or written language, we spell the words the same way and we pronounce them the same way, but, we don't apply the same meaning. When is a "date" considered a "date"? Do we define love differently? Part of the responsibility in initiating a romantic relationship is knowing what we don't want or will not tolerate; dealbreakers. Where are your boundaries? If you don't know, or aren't sure, find out BEFORE you get in. Before you can "give" yourself, you must know yourself.
Hi again Angel,
That's a good way of thinking about things - would I do this to someone? No - never! If someone came to me telling me the things I've said in the past (I'm very open about how I feel) I would be upset that they weren't happy. I'd listen and try to make changes if the person was that important to me and I didn't want to lose them. And if they still wanted to leave, I'd let them go. I'd be upset but I'd want them to be happy...
And we should expect to be treated the way we treat others, shouldn't we. That's partly what compatibility is.
My problem is focusing on words and not behaviour. Forever forgiving the behaviour because I trust the words...
It sounds very selfish to always put myself first, but until someone has committed or at least demonstrated a desire to commit by the way they behave, I suppose we should put ourselves first.
Yes, De Elle, this is a wonderful website. I will keep reading and really appreciate all the support. Thank you!
Oh Tina, you are so not the only one who forgives and falls for the sweet words. The same thing happened to me with the guy from my past. His behavior left a lot to be desired, but he would apologize and get teary-eyed and I would fall for it and forgive, only for him to continue to act less than caring. It's not selfish to put ourselves first. That's old programming we have received from society, family,friends, media, etc. But it is not fair for you to sacrifice for others while they do so little for you. They are the ones who are selfish if they expect you to put yourself on the back burner and suffer just so others can have their cake and eat it too. Fairness begins with us, compassion begins with us, love begins with us. Being boundaried is of the utmost importance, whether married, single, or with kids. The only person who will never ever leave you and be with you till you die is you.
You are right. We have to look at the actions. Actions and words have to match 100%, at least 99% of the time. If they don't, walk away. No more confusion. What helped me was recognizing why I was giving so much more than I was receiving. When I read several books on psychology and reflected on it for myself, I realized that I believed that in order to be loved, I had to be little Ms. Perfect, little Ms. Generous and the good girl. That is of course not how it works and what is worse, I saw how I was trying to manipulate someone into caring about me by giving him so much from me even when he never even asked for so much, much less gave all that in return. So I made a decision. I will give only if I truly want to and fully aware of the consequences: I may not even be thanked. I will give only as much as someone gives to me, so that we both feel fine with how things progress. I reversed it too: I wouldn't feel good if someone gave too much without me even asking and without me doing much for them. It was a bit difficult to break. I still struggle a little bit, but I am so not that girl anymore. I am proud of how far I have come. I stopped being a reverse narcissist, aka doormat lol. We generous, kind people need to see both sides of the equation in order to grow and become assertive. It pays off and you will feel better about yourself when you find that balance and manage to see manipulation and trickery while continuing to be the kind and compassionate person that you are and setting boundaries that do not allow others to use you.
Dear Tina,
There is so much wisdom from the women that Jane has brought together. I hope that you continue to keep reading all of these supportive thoughts and strength inspiring words like I know I need as well.
This letter and these comments have struck a chord with me. I've been in a similar situation to Geena and others here for over a year and a half.
I met an amazing man on an online dating site just before Christmas 2014. We clicked straight away and talked non-stop, finally meeting 2 weeks later and despite him being 15 years my senior (he'd lied on his profile and was actually 60) I found him very attractive.
He pulled me in very quickly, fast forwarded our relationship, flattered me endlessly and told me how lovely I was and how important I was to him. I felt we had such a connection. We talked for hours, we shared our thoughts, ideas, and problems. We opened up to each other with complete trust and understanding. I quickly fell in love with him.
We didn't meet often as he lives an hour away, had a young son and had only recently separated from his wife so I understood that he wouldn't want to introduce me so soon. I didn't ever push him on this, but we only ever met when his son wasn't there and he wasn't busy doing other things, such as working or seeing friends - and he did a lot of that. I was never introduced to any of his friends or family (still haven't been - I'm his secret); I always felt last on his list. But still we talked.
Over the course of 5 months, although he became busier and busier, unable to meet me yet had time for others. He couldn't tell me how he felt about me, said he wasn't good at relationships but that I was his 'only true friend'. All this confused me so much and made me feel very insecure - his actions never matched his feelings.
I finally told him I'd had enough and would start seeing other men. But he was so upset when he heard this that I went back... believing things would be different, that he'd realised.
Nothing changed however and after a further 2 months I said I needed a break. We spent the summer with no contact. But in the autumn he returned declaring just how much he'd missed me and how important I was to him, that he couldn't imagine a life without me.
So I tried again. But nothing changed.
At Christmas last year I gave him an ultimatum - a proper relationship or nothing. He picked nothing. I was inconsolable. I'd made so much effort to 'win' him and his love. I was devastated to hear what I knew in my heart. I told him not to contact me. But after a couple of weeks he returned with the same story - he'd had time to think, realised how much he missed me and I fell for him yet again.
Since then, for the last 7 months, I have been trying to leave. Each time I tell him I need to go he redoubles his efforts for a while but nothing ever changes. There are always very sound reasons why he can't properly be with me. He says he's afraid of his feelings and that everyone he values eventually realises he's an empty shell, and leaves. He has been very open and vulnerable with me. He's told me no one knows him like I do. That our 'relationship' has been the most significant relationship in his life.
Over the last year I've found him several times on the dating site where we first met and he has many different reasons for this - it was his son (not him) I'd upset him by saying I was leaving him, the app reactivated his profile by itself..!? Now I believe he never came off the site.
I don't really understand what he gets from our relationship. We've not slept together for 7 months, so it's not sex. I also don't understand what I get from this relationship or why it is so hard to say goodbye. I may be hanging onto the hope that he is only temporarily unavailable? The few times we meet are so lovely - he seems so open, honest and confused by his feelings. It's hard to believe this is a lie, but at the end of the day, it's not enough for me. Not really...
This is not a pattern for me, it is the first time it has happened. I still find the thought of leaving him hard as we have shared so many thoughts, ideas and feelings and it's so hard to let that go. But he can't or won't commit. And I'm stuck, forever hanging on for just that bit longer, hoping things will be different later...
This is not good Tina. At all. I am so sorry you are so lost that you put up with these narcissistic tendencies this man has. He doesn't care about you at all. If he did, he would never disregard your feelings and what you really want. He is selfish. And what's worse, you cannot even see it. He is taking advantage of your feelings. You're just an emotional booty call. I have been in your shoes and know how painful this is.
You already know the pattern. You leave and he lies and begs and comes back to repeat the cycle of mistreating you. Why are you taking him back? What helped me out of this toxic dynamic was asking myself and going deeper into the answer to that question. In my case, I didn't value myself at all and thought crumbs of attention were all I could have and would take those because I felt it was "better" to have them than be entirely on my own. That of course was a lie. I wanted more and being entirely alone has been much better than serving as someone's emotional airbag. Another thing I realized with that guy was that subconsciously, I wanted what I believed he had. He was carefree, had no problems meeting people, particularly women, he was charming, had his own home, good income, and a "great" group of friends. Those things are what I wanted to have and I projected them on to him. It is actually interesting to explore our psyche that way. It helped me tremendously to get out and to get clearer about myself. Please know that you deserve someone who doesn't lie, not even on his online profile (first red flag), someone that takes his time and lets you take your time getting to know each other and who doesn't do the whole flattery thing to keep you hooked, because as per your comment, that's what he did. Another thing I suggest is to stay away from separated men. These men are not available. And no, don't play the friend role waiting to see if he chooses you. It's not fair to you. You're no waiting woman. Get clear on who you are and what you want. Whenever you manage to gather the strength to leave, this time delete his number and block him everywhere so he has no way to come back with his lies. Don't let him manipulate you with his poor man stories of "being bad at relationships" and "everyone leaving the poor empty shell". Those are his problems to fix, no one else's. You're not a rescuer, don't choose fixer uppers. The only person that can control your life and find your happiness is you. The only person you need to rescue is you.
You are wonderful, Tina. You're kind and compassionate. Just find the people who are kind and compassionate to you as well. Let everyone else go.
I wish you lots of strength, clarity, and blessings to get back on your feet. Real, honest love is waiting for you on the other side of this. Cheering you on from here. Hugs.
Hi Angel,
That was such a lovely reply, thank you. While it's not good that you and others have been through this, it's so reassuring that such self-aware, intelligent, kind and loving women have been treated this way and recovered.
I do see the pattern but it's hard to believe the selfishness. He seems so selfless for everyone else... talks to me about who he's helping next and what he's doing for them. He's been very supportive of me when I've been through some difficult times and, other than the way he behaves in our 'relationship', has never been remotely unkind. He's told me in the past that he feels guilty that he can't say he loves me, that he can't give me the relationship I want, and that he wants me to be happy. But when I say I need to move on, he doesn't want to let me go!
It's so hard to believe he's not the person I thought he was. How could I be so wrong?! Perhaps I'm not wrong? But the fact still remains that he can't or won't commit to me and will lie to keep me despite knowing he can't commit.
Yes, there's an element of me wanting what he has - that's very true. He's sophisticated, cultured, eloquent, fantastic dry sense of humour, appears to know his own value, but then shows me his insecure and vulnerable side. It's irresistible.
I am getting there I think. I have been seeing more of my friends, thinking of him less, thinking of me and what makes me happy more, and remembering the person I am - the person I was before I became this neurotic, insecure woman!
It might take a little while longer, but I see the pattern clearly now. And I think you're right. Some time on my own is what's needed...
Thank you again, Angel, that was very inspirational. I'm so pleased you found your way ?
I am glad you are getting there, Tina. He's not a bad person, that's not what I am saying, but he is not selfless either. None of us actually is ;-). We don't do things we don't get anything out of. He is kind and giving to other people, not you. What good is it for you to believe in someone when they don't give you the compassion and kindness they give to others? Don't be fooled by that. The guy from my past is also a good person, and even though he wasn't overtly abusive or unkind, he wasn't as kind or protective or caring to me as he was to everyone else. There lied the problem. What good is it that he is so loving towards others but not me? How can he truly care about you when he knows he cannot reciprocate and that you are suffering around him and he keeps manipulating you? That IS selfishness. He is NOT acting like a person that truly cares about you. Would you do that to a man if the situation was reverse? If you honestly wanted him to be happy, wouldn't you step aside to let him go and be happy without you? Think about that.
He may be lovely, but he isn't to you. It was nice that he helped you, but you don't owe him anything and you owe love to yourself. Always choose yourself. Those things you say he is that you want for yourself? Cultivate them in you. Work on becoming the sophisticated woman you want to be, take time and make the effort to give yourself those gifts. You will never get them through someone else.
Little by little you will leave this behind. You are everything you admire in others. You just need to polish those things and show them to yourself.
It is unreal that I have had the same experience and it ended at 4 m .. Badly -i ran into him by chance - and it was crazy intense and amazing - said he'd call when he could be with me again- 6 weeks later no call- but I've been moving on/ dating having fun and oh by the way I lost 25 pounds from when we broke up til when he saw me that night and I have to say I looked damn good and he said so/ point is that even though my heart still wants to hear from him I think it could be never or only when he sorts out his shit - but by then it will be too late.....time I call the shots in my life ! And you too all you beauties out there that think u don't deserve more - u do! We do! No more waiting! We make the rules ! Many Blessings to all for abundant happiness!!!
Exactly! Be so proud of yourself, Sylvia. Just look at how far you've come!
One thing I am trying to learn. Do not blame yourself on this. I doesn't matter what you said or didn't say - his behavior would have been the same. He knows you are interested, even if he didn't know, if he were he would come after you...
Exactly, Anna. We're all slowly but surely getting this together.
I don't think you did anything wrong or messed it up at all! Your behavior was perfectly reasonable given the circumstances. He is the one who backed off and please don't blame yourself for this or think you did anything wrong. He might have commitment issues, he might not even want a relationship right now with anyone! Maybe he just got divorced and wants to play the field for awhile. Regardless of his reasons, HE is not what YOU are looking for! Are you looking for a man who can't commit, that ignores you for a whole month and who is looking at other women while he is with you? He has shown you the kind of man he is - walk away. Plus you say that you want a relationship with him but it sounds like you have only spent a few weekends together. I think you have made up things about him in your head, given him qualities that he doesn't actually possess. I know I have been guilty of that in the past.
I agree, walk away. The harsh reality is that NO ONE is ever that busy. Unless this guy is on the moon for work, or fighting in combat in the Middle East, he can make time for you. Even if you can't physically see each other how much time and effort does it take to send a text? Men seriously do have radar, move on to someone else and I guarantee this guy will pop up again. That said, don't take him back. People don't change overnight. He will only want you because he can't have you and that is not love or healthy for that matter. I have been in this situation more times than I would like to admit. I used to take it personally but now I don't because it really is them it is not us. It also shows how selfish this guys is, why is he dating you for months if he does not want the same things as you? Men know after a few dates if not before about whether or not they can get serious with you or if they want you as more than a good time. Like Angel said, if you have to give ultimatums or ask where you stand with someone, they are not the right person for you. You deserve to have someone breaking down your door to be with you and you deserve to be their world. Move on, watch him come back and have the last laugh. I am not trying to be manipulative but if he can't make time for you then don't go out of your way to be nice to him. Follow his lead and be selfish yourself! Dress hot, work out, look amazing, have one for everyday of the week until one tells you what you want to hear. Let this guy come back and tell you he made a mistake and then you have the lovely honor of telling him, you know he made a mistake, and some mistakes you can't walk away from!
I've had my share of these in the past. Now I just walk away if they start to show signs of inattention. They aren't in it for the long haul or usually anything exclusive when they act like this so it's definitely best to keep all options open until you pick the one you'd like and he makes the commitment you're looking for verbally - and backs it up with actions. Until then just have fun, be beautiful, be high value and don't sell yourself short. Be a lioness and the lions will linger around you:) Walk away from any games you don't want to play and play those you do - but let it be on your terms, not his.
Walk away and don't look back. He's incapable of committing or he doesn't want to or whatever the excuse du jour may be. His behavior is on him, not you. A healthy relationship is effortless, it's not bogged down with questions and confusion.
Throw in the towel and move on. This guy doesn't know what he wants, but unfortunately he has made it clear that he doesn't want you. Don't respond to calls or texts, just move on and continue looking for your Mr. Right. If he wanted to be with you and only you he would want to spend time he wasn't working and time he didnt have the kids, with you.
If there is something I have learned is that if you have to ask, you already know the answer. We always know. The mistake we make is assuming he is on the same page we are as Jane already pointed out. Personally, I would stop seeing this guy. I would move on to find other men. If he reaches out, I talk to him kindly and politely, but definitely not the way I would talk to a boyfriend because well... He isn't, so... Normally, when they see that, they stop texting altogether which is perfect. It sucks and all, but you need to come to terms with his answer that, to me, was clear as water. This guy is not for you because evidently you are not enough for him. Onwards and upwards.
For what it's worth, good for you for laying your cards on the table and being open and honest with him. That's what the world needs. Honest people who are not afraid to ask what they need to in order to clear the air and make the right decisions for themselves.
I have been in a really similar situation to Gina. The guy I was seeing would just say 'lets see where it goes,' which gave me hope that one day it would be something more than what it is. However he was still on dating websites, and about 3 months in I felt he was dating around. Everything changed between us when one night I felt he was on a date (because certain things he was telling me didn't add up) and I confronted him about it. He told me he wasn't but this was about as serious as it would ever get. I was heartbroken but decided I would just take what ever he gave me which then became less and less. We had a weekend away booked a month after this happened and everything was fine but contact was definitely dwindling from him by the time we got home, and he also told me he couldnt see me for a month as his diary was full. I then lost it with him as I was upset with how he was treating me and sent a string of emotional angry text messages which only made matters worse. We have agreed to not contact each other for a month, but I also have regrets with what I said how I behaved and all the text messages! I really did care about him, but who knows what he was really up to
Similar situations has happen to me . Learning from the experiences, I have now realize until the man verbally tells you he wants you and wants to be in a relationship with you, you are not in relationship. You as the woman has the option to keep your door open for others, and should never close it no matter how wonderful things are going, until he tells you he wants to be in relationship. Never give him the power to chose for you. When you have to verbally ask where things are going, you lose that power, so never ask, just let it naturally happen. But until he comes out and tells you, this is what he wants, you continue dating until that right person comes along and tells you he wants you. Man love a challenge, and when they see you have options, and people seeing your value, it makes you more valuable in their eyes.
Tonya, Thank you for this. Mistakenly, I asked.
Thank you Angel.
Diane, I appreciate the clarity of "a healthy relationship is not bogged down with questions and confusion".
Oh my goodness, I am so very grateful to all of you who have had the generosity to comment and share.
Thank you.