Our beautiful friend, Cyndi, has been dating a guy who seems to be a bit "hot and cold". Right when she feels like there's a connection, he suddenly disappears on her for days at a time.
Her Story:
Hi Jane,
I am a 48 year old woman, and currently in the middle of a divorce, which luckily is very amicable.
I have been separated for almost four years. During the last four years I have dated and been in relationships with it seems like the same kind of man - either unavailable or still in love with their ex's - so as you can see they haven't been successful.
Even though I learned a new lesson with each man, I am still confused as to how I should be acting especially in the early stages.
Which leads me to my question.
I have been emailing, texting and talking with a man I met on an online site. At first I would hear from him daily, then he would disappear for a few days, then come back, with an explanation of being really busy, and then disappear again.
Then finally after 5 days of not hearing from him, I sent him a note with the assumption that he had moved on, and I just wanted him to know I had enjoyed our chats and wished him luck with his journey.
(Always like to leave with good karma).
Within two hours he was back saying no he hadn't moved on and explained a whole story of how busy he had been.
OK he leads a very busy life. I get it.
So one afternoon when we were talking, he confessed I wasn't the only woman he was talking too. I also get that's how these sites work, yet I am uncomfortable talking to more then one man, and choose to just concentrate on one suitor at a time.
So by chance we got together that night for drinks, and had great conversation, not a dull moment. Laughed for hours.
I thought I felt a connection. When he walked me to my car, we even kissed, which I felt like was more of a connection.
But when we said goodnight, I didn't get any kind of sign or suggestion to see each other again. Got a text 30 minutes later asking if I got home safe, and to tell me he had fun. Then didn't hear from him for two days, and now I get random texts about every other day at random times like 11:00 at night, or 6:00 in the morning.
Nothing suggesting he wants to get together again, or even that he is interested.
I have even put it out there that I am not doing anything when he asks what I am up to. That's where I am confused.
Is he just seeing if I am still there? Or what??
Please help me understand, because I am interested, but not really feeling it from him. Do I still keep talking to him or move on?
P.S. I have been told to let him be the one to contact me, because if a woman contacts a man early on they feel you are to needy.
Please help me!!!!!
Thanks for listening,
Cyndi
My Response:
Oh you’re so not alone on this one, Cyndi.
Your letter could have been written by so many women wondering the same thing; how does one successfully go about dating in the new territory of texting, online dating and social media - what are the rules?!!
The short answer is that you are still the one who’s in control. You decide what you can live with and what you can’t. You decide what terms are set in stone and what you can budge on under the right circumstances.
You still hold the key to your own happiness; the challenge is figuring out what that looks like for you in the context of the new dating scene.
Your biggest indicator of what’s going on hasn’t changed. It’s your intuition.
After 5 days of not hearing from him you knew something had changed. He was busy, ready to pull back from you after the thrill of the initial chase. And then he went back to more of the same.
Chasing. Seeing who else looks interesting online. Doing more of the same.
Why? Because he can!
This is where you teach him how to treat you by your own consistent actions. If you want someone to chase you, don’t chase him.
If you want someone to treat you like gold, treat yourself like gold.
Adopt the mindset that you ARE gold, that you’re worth so much to the right person, that you can never be too much or not enough for the right kind of man!
We don’t have follow through because we doubt ourselves. We listen to that voice inside our head that says “Who do you think you are?” or “That’s arrogant”, when the reality is we’d be hard-pressed to come across as selfish or arrogant or proud because our mindsets are set so far the other way!
In fact, it’s exactly because you’re asking these questions that you need to be more clear with yourself on who you are, on what you want in a relationship, on how you want (and know you deserve!) to be treated.
You’ve got to teach this man how to treat you by your actions!
I'd need more details to really give you a complete plan for what to do in this situation, but typically, with a guy like this, you really need to be the prize. He wants to have to win you over.
So how do you give him what he wants?
Simple. BE the prize!
Have a wonderful, full life. Make sure he knows, by your actions, that he's going to have to work for it if he wants to be with you.
This will mean changing your mindset on being "uncomfortable talking to more then one man, and choose to just concentrate on one suitor at a time." Especially with online dating, you need to keep your options open, and this means dating (or talking to, emailing, etc.) multiple men at a time.
I generally recommend actually dating about 3 at a time - more than that and it's gets difficult to juggle, and less than that you don't really get the full benefits.
I know it may feel uncomfortable at first, especially when you're feeling a "connection" with one, and not the others. But here are a few of the reasons you want to keep doing this (especially when you're feeling a connection):
When you're dating multiple men, you will keep from becoming exclusive before he's ready to.
You'll be distracted from thinking about him too much.
You'll be distracted from texting him or calling him because you're thinking about him too much.
When he asks what you're up to, you'll actually be busy, which is what he'll find attractive.
If he knows you're dating a few (or even several) other men he'll automatically see you as much more of a prize.
When you're out with him, you'll be giving off the vibe that you're in control, and you're doing the evaluating and choosing. This gives you the confidence that you need to have while dating.
It will keep you from "getting ahead of him" and it will allow him to do the chasing, and win you over, both of which he desperately wants to do.
Keep dating at least three men until one of them initiates the "relationship talk" and asks you to be exclusive.
Until then, assume you are not exclusive, and that he's still dating other women as well (you don't have to tell him that you're assuming this, just assume it to yourself until he specifically tells you otherwise).
This will also help to keep you from being intimate with him too soon – if you're considering it, remind yourself that he's dating other women (and probably being intimate with them also) and see if that changes your mind.
Don't look back and regret making your preferences known or showing him what you need from him. How he responds to you is information. It’s for you to see the reality of who he is and what he is (and isn’t) capable of being and doing for you.
Men still do call women. Men still do show up and open doors and behave as men.
But it takes a woman who won’t settle for less in her mindset so that this comes through in her energy and her essence and causes a good man to rise to the occasion. That’s exactly what he can (and wants!) to do.
This is where not settling for less or resigning ourselves to accept crumbs because “that’s just the way men are these days”, keeps us finding these types of men.
These men are not all men! Don’t allow men like this in your life, and you’ll find the others. Hold up a standard for these men to rise to by your actions, by your essence that comes through when you’re confident that you can expect to get exactly what it is you’re looking for and you’ll find exactly that.
That’s how this works!
If he isn’t there or doesn’t give you what you want, you accept that instead of changing what you know in your heart of hearts you don’t want to change.
So do YOU want to keep talking to him even though you know he’s got other women he’s talking to as well? Are YOU okay with putting yourself out there only to never have him take you up on it?
When you feel like gold, when you remember your own power, you won’t be needy.
You’ll naturally want him to reach out to you because that tells you so much more than you reaching out to him will.
A man who is interested contacts you. A man who is interested makes sure you know he is without any doubt or wondering why or having to google your answers.
Shift how you view dating - make it work for you, not against you – and this will all become so much easier on you.
I hope this helps. Remember you’re beautiful, you’re desirable, you’re everything someone is going to want when he’s the right one for you! And don’t you ever forget it.
Love, Jane
Do you have anything to add to the conversation? Let's give Cyndi some help below in the comments. If you can identify with what she's going through, please let her know!
And if you're ready to learn more ways to get him to chase you, try my program "Beautiful, Confident, Radiant YOU!"
Hi Jane,
I think im in similar situation and I dont know what to do. I met a guy in an event and we went on first date and we had sex!( I know is a big NO No and i regret it now), he did see me the week after but we did not have sex again.
Then he kept message me for the next 3 weeks, ask me hows my day and hows work etc, but he never actually make plans always say will plan sth soon or work odd hours problem ( well, i hv dayoff on fri and sat and he has dayoff on weekend) . I dont know what time clashes as we may still see each other on friday night or sat but we never since the first two dates!
So last week sunday I wrote him: I like talking to you but I dont feel like a txt buddy. He didnt responese and I thought he might be angry or sth. Anway i wrote him yesterday Friday say : I felt last time I did not express in a very good way to you as complicated, should say sorry for that:(
Well I got his reply: Dont worry ab it, we just run in different circles.
I dont really understand what he actually means, is it a rejection or he doesnt want to see me anymore? I just reply him : interesting saying but is cool 🙂
He hasnt read my message yet.
So tmr is sunday and I take my dayoff, i know that he mostly stay home on sunday, should I invite him for coffee or like my other fds said he just not that into me and I should move on? I felt that he is not really like those man I met before but we had first date sex must kill our chemistry thats what I think.
I am really unhappy in this situation, please give some advice.
Thanks!
Sex didn't kill anything. You were you and did what you wanted to do. You didn't know him and still don't know him very well. If he's not really making any effort to see you, why do you even want him?
Remember that you only want a man who wants you, who is excited about you and who shows it. No guessing. Don't second guess yourself. Just learn what you can from the experience for your future and let it be.
Be kind and loving to yourself and move on to things that do make you happy. No wonder you're unhappy. You're making it all about him, when the most important person in your life is YOU.
Hi Angel,
Thanks for yr words! It means a lot to me. Yes in the past I always put man above me and I think i dont value myslef much. Why my emotions are all depends on man?:( Maybe I should just do something that make myslef happy:)
I had two back to back marriages, and years attracting guys like you have described Cyndi, because I wasn't ready. You are only allowing him to get away with this because your aren't fully healed from your break-up both emotionally and legally. I personally with what I know now, would not bother dating anyone until I was firstly fully divorced. You are already sending out the wrong energy, you have not completely broken all ties with your ex. It often takes years to un-tie yourself from a marriage. Secondly you attract a mirror of where your at. See how you said, "ones who are still in love with their ex." I'm not suggesting you are still 'in love' but if you delve deeper, perhaps your ex is still in love with you, or subconsciously you are. You are going to keep getting emotionally unavailable men for years until you heal, and have your self-esteem fully in tact, and your ex, fully in your emotional past. Keep dating if you like, and I hope the knocks keep building your self-esteem in a positive direction. I personally, would not have any man in my life, who was seeing another woman PERIOD ! If they can't date me exclusively I'm not interested. But I am ready for a relationship now, and wasn't for many years. That is my personal boundary and the right guy will pick up on that. The confusion you are feeling, is coming from the fact you are not fully healed, that's it ! It won't change over night, but first steps, divorce and time. It's like you have a broken arm and it takes time to heal regardless. A true quality life partner will only come around when you are healed, content within yourself and truly know what you will and won't accept. I wish the quality learning and healing was faster for all humans, it's quite a painful recovery for many people.
Hi Cyndi, read your story and can relate to it. I met someone online we had so much fun when we talked on the phone. He too has a busy schedule, thought I was ok with that, until same thing, the calls and texts slowed down. I suspected that there was someone else, I had this feeling when I called he said he couldn't talk he was on his way home. Next day he said he was in the office the night before and couldn't talk. My advice is to move on forget about him. You are a prise and should be treated like one. Hope this helps. Maria
I agree with Virgo Ellie.
Yes, you've been "separated" for 4 years but it sounds like you've been dating during that time...take a break to work on YOU and self-evaluate who you are and what you stand for. Get stronger, do things to increases your self-esteem so you don't linger on with guys like this.
In addition to what Jane said, you are going this guy your "loyalty" by only communicating with him. Thing is, he is not giving you ANY loyalty in return!! He's not even being consistent in his communication with you.
Also, there were some key things in your letter that make me wonder if this guy is actually in a relationship. Yes, he admitted to talking to other women, but I wonder if he's more involved than he admits: He calls late at night or early morning. He's inconsistent with calling/texting you. He's inconsistent with seeing you. His excuse is he's always working...but how hard is it to send a "have a great day" or "Hey, busy day but thinking about you" text?? IT'S NOT HARD. And you do it for him. We do what's important to us. We make time!!
Stop letting this guy (or any guy) make you an option.
Thanks Kenya, yes he is in my past now, I told him I wasn't going to fight for first place or a Rose ( as some would say).
I am not going to be someone's option!!!
Thanks for chiming in!! Xoxo
I love this blog!! I've been doing this for a while now. At the moment I am actually dating two men. And you know what I was the most conservative person and believed in dating only one man and the right man will find me (which didn't happen). Now I have so much fun dating three men and have had super incredible experiences. Men ask me "what there competition is like" another guy jokes that I have a date every night" and most men pay for everything.
The really interesting thing is sitting back and noticing how men either take action and arrange a date or just call me for over two months and bearly initiate a date. And now I can see the difference and know more what I want.
The only question I have Jane is when the guy does ask to be exclusive then do we still continue not texting him first, not initiating? I mean once were exclusive should the actions of us women change? Should we be more proactive?
Thanks for your inspirational words 🙂
I totally get it I have a few of those - when they do decide to text I play hard to get - I tell them I am busy another time - and then I hear from them consistently for a few days - and I put them off - keep them on back burner - its a game to them - then I have a couple that I talk to if not daily every other day - one actually calls and this is nice - I am busy when they first ask me out then I pick the day and where - you have to be in control or they take advantage - you set the rules sex no sex kiss no kiss - it was hard but I learned after being burnt big time by someone I fell for - if and when one is worthy of my time I will give it happily ! til then it's just fun ! good luck !!!!
Dear Cyndi,
I think you need to stop dating. The guy you are dating and you want to chase you may be wondering why you are still "separated". You aren't available either. So, you have to really look at your dating perspective. You are still technically married.
How long were you married?
You shouldn't date until "maybe" 1 - 2 years after you're completely divorced. If you know how to live on your own without any assistance from a man is when you will realize how to find the man that can be there for you.
Why is your marriage ending?
I'm sorry. I think you should let this guy go. He's trying but knows he can't move forward. I know some will say "he needs to take you away from your ex". But is that fair to him when you are still with your ex? 4 years is a long time to be separated.
Why is it taking so long?
A guy wants you to need him and you can't because you have to way for your divorced to be final.
Again, I am sorry.
Thank you for your advice!! Even though we don't have the legal papers, we are so over. And we are just taking care of some financial things, and waiting for my daughter to graduate so we can sell the house so we don't have anything binding us.
He has moved on and is with someone else, we are actually better apart and are more like friends now. I actually waited a year to even start dating.
We were together 24 years before he left, but it was many years of dealing with his alcoholism, so his leaving was a gift, no more stress for me and my kids. So even though we are taking our time it is amicable and we are trying to make it so that we have nothing to fight over.
Appreciate your advice!!! And trust me I have been working on me, therapy every week, I have come to terms with my marriage ending..
Just don't understand how to do this dating thing right!!
Thanks again!! Xoxo
Dear Candy.
Do you know who you are? Do you know what you're about? Do you know what you want?
Asking myself those questions and working out the true answers got me out of the chasing and the feeling powerless in the so called dating scene.
Focus on you and how you feel and what you want. Be compassionate and understanding, but keep your boundaries intact. Why would you want a man to chase you? Personally I have come to the realization that I don't want to be chased or chase anyone. I want to be who I truly am and do what I want and to find a man who is who he is and does what he wants and we both happen to want to explore the possibility of being with each other. I call him if I want to, I initiate if I want to. There are no rules. You can never find the man who is right for you if you are following a script instead of being the real, authentic you.
I haven't found a great fit for me, but doing what I want and being clear on what I want gave me the peace I so needed. Keep showing up for you as you and let whoever doesn't want to keep you go. That's all it takes. Let this guy go. His actions are begging you to. He's not your potential partner.
Sorry, Cyndi. Autocorrect somehow.
Thank you Angel Says,
I have gotten to the point were I am tired of the games, and I have taken myself off the online sites and I am just going to enjoy my summer, and let the universe take over. Thank you for your advice.
I wish you luck and love in search as well.
Cyndi
Oh how I understand that feeling, Cyndi. Tired of the games. Exactly. I got sick and tired of it too. Enjoy the summer a lot. Treat yourself to your favorite things, spend time with people who truly love you like family and friends and be kind and compassionate to yourself. Get to know yourself more deeply, figure out more about your true desires, what brings you joy, and nurture your talents, hobbies and friendships. Make new acquaintances and always side with yourself. A healthy man who is a good fit for you will find his way to you when the time is right for both of you and it won't be a guessing story. Hugs
That is the truth!
Focus on yourself and make it through this divorce and allow yourself to heal.
And once you in a more stable place, then start to look.
But it sounds like you are much better off without this guy. He is just a distraction that won't go anywhere. And although a distraction probably feels nice at times, it prevents you from healing during this time and moving forward. It also risks becoming used to unacceptable behavior by men.
You don't want to excuse away things like this bc right now you just enjoy the distraction or having fun and not ready for anything serious. Bc when you are ready for something serious, it will be that much harder to break out of the pattern of these types of guys and that much harder to be your authentic self and recognize the quality men out there.
And your guy is out there. Perhaps going through a divorce and rebuilding himself as a single independent man and reaching for a place in his life for when he is really able to be there for someone. 🙂
This is exactly what I needed refreshing input from others who get what I am going thru. Thank you so much.
As for my divorce, my ex and I are more like good friends now. We haven't finalized things because we will need to sell our house and we want our daughter who is 16 to finish high school, in two years. I didn't start dating until at least one year after we split. And I have been very up front with each guy, not one has had an issue with it.
But I do admit I have to work on me because the guys I have met are either unavailable narcissistic a-holes or are still hung up on their ex wives.
It's actually the guys that I have dated that have effected my self esteem, not my ex, or my failed marriage.
Thanks again guys, appreciate your kind words and encouragement!!
Dear Cyndi,
I have a list of 8 deal breakers. These are character traits & qualities I require in any man I date. I can tell by asking detain questions if they are even worth my time to continue talking with them or even meeting them. I always let them know I'm seeing other people so they understand my time is valuable. Men are competitive! Ultimately, I spend a little time with someone to determine if I want to spend more time with them. Once they realize I have high standards, they work harder to prove their intentions. Remember, they must EARN your time, respect, heart, etc. Don't ever just give it to them because they want to take it. Good luck!!