You’ve asked everyone you know, and even some you don’t. You’ve Googled it. You’ve read article after article to find your answer and still the answer seems to elude you. It either doesn’t sit right, isn’t you, or sounds too complicated.
There’s a reason you’re confused. It IS confusing!
You hear stories of women who made that initial contact and now they’re happily married! You hear of other women who never EVER initiated any contact, and now they’re happily married, too! Then there’s the in-between stories of the ones who initiated sometimes, and others who only initiated once in a while.
So here you are trying to figure out which one is right, which one is wrong, and which one is right for you, and it’s no wonder you’re finding yourself more confused than ever.
What is the definitive answer to this question?
The answer is that it absolutely, positively, depends on you!
To answer this question, you have to know yourself. You have to know who you are, what you’re about, and what you need most. Your future happily married self is going to thank you for doing the work now to find this out!
This is precisely why this feels so much more complicated than it ever needs to be.
It’s because we’re so busy looking for a one-size-fits-all answer, we miss the answer that’s right there in front of us if we know where to look – within! Not outside of yourself, not at the woman who you’re so secretly jealous of because she seems to do this all so effortlessly, but within your own beautiful self.
Yes, that’s you!
What can you live with? What can you handle?
These are the questions that matter.
And trust me when I say you better know what the answers are, because they’re going to come through regardless of how trivial you think they are.
If you’re going to interpret the slightest delay in him responding to you as a license to automatically overthink everything and drive yourself crazy in the process, you should NEVER initiate contact.
If you can’t help but put all your eggs in one basket and you find yourself dropping everything when you meet someone who might just be your one and only, then you should NEVER initiate contact.
If you get so anxious and depressed at the slightest hint of rejection, then you should NEVER initiate contact.
Why?
Because when you let him do the initiating in the beginning, or at least until you know without a reasonable doubt what his intentions are (and that’s longer than you think!), you have a clear indicator of how he feels.
Believe me, I know.
I missed this part time and time again because I thought the anxiety of not knowing was so much worse than just reaching out and taking the temperature of my days or weeks old “relationship”.
Sound familiar?
I know – oh how I know! – how much you want to know for sure, and it’s so easy to lean heavily on the advice or example of the ones who DID initiate and are now in the committed relationship you want.
For the temporary assuaging of our anxiety that we can have by reaching out to him or starting up that first conversation that he never seems to initiate on his own, we pay the price of never knowing where we stand if he gets distant, if he begins to pull away, or if he responds with enthusiasm but never initiates.
We can avoid so much of the overthinking that comes with this territory by not setting ourselves up for this kind of scenario in the first place!
I promise you, if he’s interested in more than just one thing, if he’s looking for the same committed relationship you are, he’s going to be make sure there's no confusion surrounding his intentions.
That’s what relationship-minded men do!
So the next time you find yourself feeling anxious, wondering if you should or shouldn’t reach out and initiate contact with him, remind yourself who you’re dealing with.
He’s male.
He’s biologically wired to chase you, to pursue you, to win your heart. Let him do that. Even if he’s shy, he’s going to give you something.
Let him keep on doing that until his actions – not just his too-good-to-be-true-words – show you without a doubt that he’s in this for the long run. And by this, he means a real, committed relationship not just a casual fling.
Remember, that’s the only thing you’re interested in – a real, committed, lasting relationship. Don’t talk yourself into accepting anything less no matter who he is or what kind of effect he seems to have on you!
There’s one thing that separates these type of men from the rest (and yes, they’re absolutely out there!) They stand the test of time. Your test of time.
What about you? Still have questions about whether or not to initiate? Post your question here in the comments and let’s have a conversation!
Hi Jane,
So I wish I'd read this before being this guy I've been talking to and getting to know. I completely understand after reading this piece that I definitely should NEVER initiate contact! However, it's too late for that as I already have a few times. We work overseas in Iraq, so all "normal" rules don't apply. We work for the same company, but different departments so we don't see each other very much, or at all. At first, we used to run into each other almost daily and I guess I caught his attention but I didn't really notice him, notice him cause I was too busy figuring this place out and dealing with my own personal dram(its now been 5 months since i got here and it's a small base so I met him almost immediately). But sometimes when we ran into each other he would stop me and strike up a conversation. We had a few like those where he asked me personal, but not invasive questions and also told me quite a bit about himself. I suspected he was maybe interested in me, but didn't think much of it. I was on the tail end of a very long and drawn out break up to a very dead relationship. But fast forward to about a month ago and several interactionswith this new guy and I realized "I think I like him", so of coursethat coincides with my inability to just be cool and casual, so now I'm getting nervous when I see him, so I try to avoid him, but then I DO wanna see him so basically driving myself crazy! That went on for a week or 2 and then one night we had a pretty lengthy conversation and he asked for my Facebook. I'm pretty private and cautious about adding work people or people I don't know well, so I told him I'll add him on messenger only. I "waved" to connect with him and he waved back. Then nothing until 3 days later when he started a convo with me. It's been on and off since then, talking most days but nothing one or 2 days here and there. I've initiated contact a few times and he was pretty quick to respond, but now he takes hours every time, even when he initiates. Just a few days ago he started saying good morning and good night, which I thought was great progress. For the record, I THINK he's into me, but don't to assume.Also, that one long conversation we had he mentioned casually that he's donewith flings and wants something serious and eventually to build a family and then again when I guess he was probing to see what my stance is (I want the same thing). Soooooo, all this long, drawn out post to say: if he's inconsistent with communication should I just write it off as he's not that into me and let it go? For example, last night we were talking and I somewhat abruptly said good night to end the conversation cause I was in bed and watching a movie and I guess just wanted to avoid an awkward end to the conversation....or feeling insecure from him taking too long to answer. He just replied "night" and I left it alone. Then this morning, I sent him a goofy meme and said "I hope you're having a good morning". He looked atthe message hours later and didn't respond. I don't want to make assumptions, but I also don't like mind games and don't want to be hung up on a dude (even though I now REALLY like this guy). You might be thinking, well its work hours, maybe he's busy. Well remember how we're working overseas? Yeah, I KNOW for a fact that he mostly watches moviesand funny youtube videos all day and uses social media, cause he told me himself, and he also knows that I don't ever have that much work either....though I do have more work than him. So again, I may be overthinking it, but I don't want to waste my time and energy on a guy who's not really that into me. How should I proceed?
You need to stop initiating communication. If he does text you, reply with the same effort-he sends two words, you send two words. In a few weeks, it will turn around. You will alter the dynamic. Do NOT TEXT HIM THOUGH. This method always works. When you finally hear him express his feelings, then respond with how you feel. Hope it works out.
Linda,
How wonderful you have this '2d' chance with this guy and I can understand how upsetting it is about the father of your children!
I used to have two people in my life who treated me poorly and I went to a therapist at the time. One person would call me in a terrible mood and make me feel like somehow I was annoying and I was bothering them (yet, they called me!).
The therapist suggested cutting the phone short. I once followed her advice in my own way. I told the person that it sounded like they were upset at the moment and so it appeared it wasn't a good time to speak and I got off the phone.
To my surprise, this person called me a few hours later and started off with a sort of apology for earlier (I was upset with so-and-so).
Over time, i changed it from "it sounds like you are upset" to it sounds like you aren't in a good mood to it sounds like you are in a bad mood.
And they continued to call back later with an explaination and eventually even an apology.
And one day, they stopped treating me like that at all!
My point is perhaps, if you can, limit your contact with the father of your children. When you need to interact about your children or something, try to limit the time with him.
If he starts to go on, perhaps state you sound upset, and like it is not a good time to speak about this. We can discuss it later and go to the kitchen or excuse self to the bathroom or look at time and say you got to run, anything so you can end the interaction.
He may never change, but at least you limiting the amount of this on you.
Also, when he does act this way, recognize it in your mind. And start a conversation with yourself in your mind.
Something perhaps like "wow, there he goes again. I wonder if he realizes how he is. I wonder why he is like this. It is not helping him in life to be like this. That is rather pitiful actually."
You see this is about him and not you. This is how he acts and it nothing to do about you or your capabilities or your intelligence or your looks or how you love and care for your children or how you feel about this new man or how this new man feels about you or even about what you did or did not do in your past.
This just is how he is.
Most people can avoid him altogether or shut him down immediately. And they probably do.
It is harder for you bc he is the father of your children and so YOU, not him, are being gracious and extending understanding and compassion and tolerating him for the sake of your children.
Remind yourself of that YOU are tolerating him. It is not the other way around.
And this other man who loves you, he too is tolerating the father of your children bc that is what we do if we love someone. And he loves you and cares for your children.
You can speak about this with your new man.
Perhaps say, "I find it embarrassing having you see the father of my children and his poor behavior. I tolerate it bc I love my children and I know it only temporary that he and I will have this much contact. As the children grow older , so will our contact. And once they are young adults, I doubt I will have any contact with him except for emergencies , etc... "
And then add that you are working on ideas to set stronger boundaries against this man and to limit how much you interact with him and how much he can say to you and when. But it a careful process...
Your new man knows and loves you. How other people treat you isn't going to change that. If you feel it is putting you in a poor light , then have a conversation similar to the one in the above paragraph. He'll then know , which he probably already does know :), that you do have a strong self of self and good boundaries, but this is one awkward delicate situation that you are cautious about bc of your children.
That said, if the father of your children causes any physical intimidation or is even very berating and mean verbally, then please make sure you always have a third adult with you when you have to interact with him.
And also try to do so outside your home. It is your home, your refuge, your sanctuary and you ARE allowed to keep it that way even if this man is the father of your children.
You deserve more than this ex of your's, Don't forget it!
And you can get through this time and have a wonderful relationship with a loving kind man!
I feel he loves me genuinely. He shows me a lot but my problem is not whether he loves me or not I know without a doubt he does. What's killing our relationship is the father of my kids and his actions. He talks down to me and its been happening for years. He's pushing my relationships away.well at least that's what I feel. I'm lost please help I don't know what to do.
It's funny how I got this post in my inbox early yesterday morning, as I was thinking of messaging as we were dating (well so I thought ) for a short period after hI'm chasing me for just over a year. I finally gave in, only yo have him treat me like nothing, he would not even take me on a proper date. After I realize that I was just there for sex and convenience, I asked if if he prefer that we be just friends and he quickly said " I am ok with anything at this point". and that was it!! I never heard from him again. It was hard to let go of, although we did not have a real relationship. We would talk on the phone daily, for long periods and whatapps and text as well. So I really missed that so, after two weeks of not talking, I reached out to him, he replyed but never once ask how I was doing although I asked that of him regarding himself, and I've not heard from him sonce. So I almost initiated contact again, there were jane in my inbox. I'm the anxious worried type, I go all in , like I drop everything, so being chased works best for Mr, cause I really need to know that you are into me, I'm happy I did not contact him again, thank you for this post, it was very timely.
It's that to contact or not to contact question. Years ago a guy asked me out I declined for personal reasons not because of who he is. and years later I reached out to him and we got together this time. We were together for a year a month ish and I've never really liked anyone so deeply and hard as him, he broke up with me though months ago. I've never been so bold before but if you're not afraid of unknown outcomes, go for it.
Exactly, Diane. Thanks for adding your own experience to the conversation!
I suspect you missed one aspect of us 'reaching out.'
When I was 'shopping' for the right man, online, I had the power to select, ignore or reject profiles and contacts from various men. I actually strengthened my self-image by recognizing that I held that power. More importantly, by asking follow-up questions about their profiles, I acquired male friends. There are lots of guys that fit into the friendship category, where I can practice understanding the language of men. If I reach out and a man's goals are not where mine are, I have no problem shifting my treatment of him into the polite emails and texting category (jokes, common interests, etc.). Plus, they're handy to have around (opinions, specialties, recommendations).
After approx. 3 years of 'shopping' I spotted an online profile that resonated, and the subsequent conversations (a month of telephone calls before we finally met face-to-face) substantiated the fact that we had common interests and very similar backgrounds. My strategy was to find someone that I could talk to, about almost anything, before I let cautiously let down the next wall, and so on. It seems to have borne fruit, since we've been together for 3 years (just celebrated that first contact as an 'anniversary').
In other words, seize the power and Go Shopping!
Awesome, Diane! And congratulations! I'm so very happy for you. You're right-on here to bring up the issue of power. If you recognize just how powerful you are, more than just an act or what you're pretending to be, but your own real, beautiful power, you can handle anything without taking anyone else's response so personally. It's this shift that can transform the entire dating experience from something we don't want to have to do, to something we actually look forward to!
So, I met this guy at camp. He's 29 and I'm 21. He was gorgeous and I developed a little crush on him but was too shy to talk to him. Yes, there were tons of sparks and butterflies. He seemed to notice me too and would usually smile whenever I looked his way but never came over to say anything to me. He seemed to be more extroverted than I am so I know he's not shy. After camp, I found him on Facebook and noticed that he really doesn't post or talk much on it but I decided to add and message him anyway. I introduced myself and explained to him that I saw him at camp but never got around to saying anything to him. I told him though I had a really good time and just wanted to know what he thought of camp. After 5 days, I got a response and he told me he had fun and hoped that I had too. I replied and told him that I did and that I looked forward to next year. The only thing is as soon as I sent that message I regretted it because I knew it would be the end of our conversation and I realized I forgot to ask him a question to keep the conversation going. Then I clicked on his page and saw a post from a girl that was written two weeks prior that proclaimed that she was now his girlfriend. I was devasted and shocked because I saw that they had gotten together 1 day after camp ended. Had I known that he was with her I probably wouldn't have written that message to him. I saw that he changed his profile and cover photo to one of him and his campers together. Secretly, I thought that maybe he'd changed it for me and because of conversation we had about having fun at camp. Fast forward 2 years and I've deleted him on facebook, never wrote to him again out of respect for his relationship, I didn't go back to camp like I told him I would and I recently found out that they've broken up and she's with another guy. But he still has that same cover and profile pic up from two years ago which makes me think maybe he's still thinking about or misses me? Yeah, I know they're crumbs...I think that I have learned so much about myself in two years and have grown but I still want to give him one more chance and go back to camp this year because that's the only place I'll ever see him...I deleted my facebook over a year ago but maybe if I put my profile pic back up again, I hope that he'll find me and write to me. The only reason I hold on is because I'm interested in where that romance could have gone. If I do go back, I don't want to walk away from him again and not have him be mine for good this time. What should I do? I would really appreciate your response. Thanks Jane.
KC,
This guy was there two years ago, just like you were. He also saw your Facebook message and answered it, albeit 5 days later.
He certainly knows who you are and has a means of getting back in touch with you (via old camp records). He will reach out to you if he is interested in giving this a chance.
For example, I ran into someone I went to school with once, he actually contacted the school and asked for my number.
Naturally, they said no, bc of privacy and danger concerns, but he then asked if they would contact me and offer his number. They did, I said no, but said they could call him and give him my number to call.
They did and he did and we dated nearly 5 years.
This old boyfriend was SOOOOO not the type who would ever think of something like this or do this! Yet, he did.
And all the other guys , including your camper, will as well ... when they are ready.
Until then, it invites heartbreak and blows to self-esteem, but most of all, it closes you off to that great guy who is willing to do the work /go the distance /take the risk and initiate contact and ask you out.
Most of the good guys seem to have some type of radar bc they can sense when a girl is open to a real relationship.
Pursue your interests, consider another camp that has more to offer than that guy from the past. And trust that your guy IS journeying towards you!
Ask yourself what he's done to initiate contact with you and you'll have your answers, KC. His reply to your original message was short, polite, and very delayed, and there was nothing more from him after that. That speaks volumes! Let someone pursue you, initiate contact with you, do his homework to find you! Then you won't have to second-guess anyone's intentions ever again!
Thank you EC and Jane. That gives me confidence:)
Hi Jane,
Why does he pull away but yet continue to keep me on his snapchat and facebook and view my snapchats? I know this seems silly on my part to wonder these things.. to grasp at straws... Is he being controlling, is he being mean?
I have initiated texts to him and he answers, he even texted me to see if my daughters court case went well. Is he just being polite? I am very confused. I have blocked him numerous times on facebook and then requested him as a friend again! He immediately added me back?? Jane, I am so exhausted and embarassed to be like this.
Seeing his snaps every day including him being out dancing and having fun with all his friends and some girls is making me literally ill, but I cannot seem to "let go" of his snapchat, Im not ready to block it, one reason is cuz Im not ready and one reason is because I do not want him thinking he is that important to me or he has affected me that much. He views my snaps too and sometimes I make a lot of snaps so he will view them, yes I am SICK and when he views my snaps I feel a sense of calmness?
Please please help me, I think I am going crazy!!!!!!!
Sherrie,
Your question is so timely ; Jane recently wrote a blog on Why He Keeps Hanging On. Scroll all the way down (it's a way's down) to the calendar and click on June1. It will take you to the archives for that day. Click again on the first article to read it and the comments.
The guy keeps you on his social media because that works for him and it requires little effort and no promises from him. I wonder how many times he has asked to friend you after you blocked him/unfriended him?
The same goes with the occasional text. He doesn't sound like decent friend material, let alone a boyfriend or husband. He certainly knows how to contact you, so I would eliminate him from your life and try to focus on things you enjoy.
You need to get over him before you are open to the great guys out there who WILL pursue you.
Don't be afraid eliminating him sends any message. We all live busy lives and I read an article once that we only have the time to keep in touch with 5 friends. Perhaps some can do more, but your time and energy is valuable and you , your family , and your true friends deserve that time, not this guy.
He isn't the one. Maybe he might turn into the one, but not like this. The fastest way to get Mr. Right, whether it turns out to be this guy or one you haven't met, is to mourn him, let him go, move on and live your life now.
I hope I don't sound harsh, but it saddens me how social media results in holding so many wonderful women hostage like this,
You deserve more!!!
EC. Thank you so much for your advice and no you are not being harsh just real and I need this. Today I started not viewing his snaps and I am not making my own snaps for anyone to view. I guess you could say I am letting go in my own way. I also am finding myself being very angry when I look at things he is doing!! To be honest I know its best .. Its kind of a blessing when he is not wanting or contacting me.
I do not understand why a man has to be so cruel or why he cant just be honest with us...
You're not going crazy, Sherrie, you're having a completely understandable reaction to being with someone like this! Turn that exhaustion and embarrassment into positive action by taking back your own power so you can separate yourself enough from him to choose for yourself if this is what you want more of, or if you're ready to be done. It's a false sense of calmness you're getting from him, it's only because it takes away your anxiety temporarily that it feels calm; don't settle for that. You deserve someone who's the real thing!
I think the question is not just whether or not initiate contact ( although this is sometimes definitely a question too) but most importatly, there are many otherrelated relevant question;
With whom do I initiate contact? That guy I have a crush on, but who seems to be ignoring me, or that guy, who seems to have a crush on me, but for some reason I never give him any attention?
How do I initiate contact? What kind of things do I say?
What do I expect from initiating this contact? What is it that I want to achieve if I contact him? Some favor? A date? A conversation? A marriage proposal or just to get his attention? Or rather spark his interest and make him think about me?
I would say the real question is not whether or not to contact guys in general, but how to contact the right guy, in the right way, at the right time and get the result you expect.
Great questions, Nina. Thanks for adding these to the conversation!
Hi Jane,
I took your course and you help me so much about getting to know myself and what i want better. I've been reading and watching self help materials for so long but your nothing helped me more to know my true essence and what i want in a relationship.
I am dealing with a terrible break up right now and deep down inside, i know that i can't go on like this, i need to do something different next time.
After reading that post above, i need to say, men should initiate contact. Because i was always the one doing this and all i had was lots of regret. Maybe it is ok to start a conversation with the guy you like to let him notice you but that's it. If something's going to happen, let him do that. I think men who don't make any effort to start a relationship, don't make any effort to maintain it either. I made that mistake a lot, and men admire you for being so brave at first, but then you find yourself trying to make the relationship work while he is doing nothing. You find yourself focusing on his needs and neglecting yours.
I admit that shy men might need some help on this, but you can let him know that you are intrested in him by your actions and wait for his next move.
I don't know any cultural differences from countries (i am not familiar with American culture) but i think there are just small differences. I am Turkish and the guy i was dating was German. We met in Italy as two exchange students. I also had a chance to observe some other cultures in relationship too. The best relationships has one thing in common. Both man and woman make effort and have fun with this. But, man is the one making the initial contact. That's my opinion on this and thank you for everything Jane! I send you lots of love from Turkey! (i hope i could express myself correctly in English)
oh how nice it is to meet you, Gizem. All the way from Turkey - thank you for being here and joining in the conversation! I love connecting with women just like you from all over the world. You're so kind. 🙂 I'm so glad you got so much out of my program! I couldn't agree more with your observations, and while there may be some cultural differences that vary, generally men are the same in their desire to be the initiators, to make us happy, to fulfill their male role that is so biologically a part of them. (And yes, I understood you perfectly!) 🙂
Me and this guy have been Communicating for two years He's plays football and now lives in LA and I'm in Alabama he says long distance is not really his thing and that he will never forget me, we have had history and it was great, but I know he's all I want and I'm sure he wants me in his life too but has a hard time expressing it because of the goals he wants to accomplish first, he rarely never initiates Conversation first so is usually all up to me and eight times out of 10 he responds I'm just confused on shit I need to initiate conversation. Respond please!!
Nedra, I am so sorry but him saying long distance is not really his thing, that he will never forget you, and he doesn't initiate conversations all mean he does not want to be in a long distance relatiinship. He may also not even be interested in a close distance relationship. It could be he wants to focus on football at the moment.
He knows how to reach you. Find and follow your dreams and date other people and perhaps only send a happy birthday or a holiday card (or text or message), that is only 1-2 reach puts a year.
He will initiate contact when he is ready. When he does, he will have had a lot of interesting or illuminating adventures and will have grown from them.
In the meantime, let him go in your heart and mind (yes, it will take time) and go accumulate your adventures. And try to be open to your Mr. Right being someone absolutely wonderful and great whom you haven't even met yet! 🙂
oh Nedra, you should especially not be the one doing the initiating if it's "usually all up to me". That speaks volumes! If he's telling you long distance is not really his thing and that he'll never forget you, believe him and let that be your cue for moving on. I know it feels so hard to do that, and he can feel like all you want, but you're only delaying the inevitable heartbreak that's going to come when he stops responding all together - and takes your self-esteem with him. Stand up in your own beautiful power, Nedra. If he's all you want, then that includes you initiating and him responding only 8 times out of 10. Is that really what you want?
Hi, Jane,
I'm very glad to have received this letter from you. My ex and I were together about 2 yrs, then he suddenly left me without letting me know. Yes, there were conflicts, but that's what commitment is all about. You don't abandon someone as a way to work together. After around a month since our breakup, my ex and I met yesterday for a couple of hours for the first time. But he mainly needed to pick up some of his belongings, although he left some here yet. We had a good conversation, and he acted warm, not cold, but did not overdue the 'warm' either. However, he "seemed" interested in seeing each other again, perhaps going for a walk together, or something. But, I also know my trust in him has been compromised because of his act of abandonment (cold turkey, no phone calling, and everything we did together, etc.), leaving me in emotional turmoil. Now he told me I can call anytime, BUT I know what I'm seeking in a relationship - long term, loyal, committed, to be treated like he cherishes me, etc. And I ADMIT TO YOU AND TO MYSELF THAT I DO NOT FEEL CONFIDENT THAT IS WHAT HE WANTS RIGHT NOW. He said he needs to work on something "within himself." So, your letter helped me answer that drive inside of me of whether or not to try contacting him next. I've decided that I better let "God protect my heart from any further and deep pain." So, I'm going to refrain from calling, no matter how difficult it is for me right now. Because, deep inside, I DO know what I'm seeking, and I don't want to settle for less at this point. I also say to you that he did seem very interested in seeing me again, BUT, my fragile, loving heart needs protection. Also, both of us are around 60 yrs of age and come from totally different backgrounds. I lost a wonderful, loving, loyal, husband in 2012 to acute leukemia, and he would NEVER have considered abandoning me. He was led by the power of God's unconditional love. My "ex," on the other hand, had 2 failed, bitter marriages and divorces. And he is not used to my deep level of commitment.
hope you read this and can respond. I'd like to hear from you, Jane.
Thank-you,
Delores
Wow, Delores, I hope you see just intuitive you are. You've answered all your own questions! Follow that intuition, let his actions be your confirmation if anything should change. You absolutely deserve someone who proves to you that he is trustworthy, and that takes time - and real effort on his part. I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband. Let this one go and let the next one prove to you he's worthy of you before you get any part of your beautiful heart involved next time. You deserve nothing less than that unconditional love! (And I can tell that deep down inside you, you know this without a doubt, too!)
Hi, again, Jane,
Thanks so much for your supportive reply. But, I also wanted to give you an update, although it's not the type of feedback I expected to give. I did call him back, however, it was only because he left me 3 phone messages when I was gone a few hours today. In a way, I regret phoning back, but not sure if I should feel regret. He stated that he wanted to be "friends and get to know each other." I told him it's ok to be friends, but that I also thought we actually are friends. (I said that because of God's forgiveness instilled in my own heart. ) But, I was straightforward with him by letting him know that I already know what I want deep down (committed, loyal, long term relationship with someone), and I told him I like who I am deep down.
Now I believe I should go back to my original thought and not phone him at all tomorrow. Just let him be, and see IF he calls me on his own again. Although, in all honesty I do not believe he will, and I'd be surprised if he does. I honestly need God to protect my heart and somehow get my mind off of him and the "drive" to phone him, and see what he really does. I have lost trust in his word to me - that much I am sure of.
Unfortunately I think I was also thrown off balance and got confused with his & my calls today. DARN!!
looking forward to your reply again, Jane, and your thoughts?.........
Delores
Hi Jane, I've always valued your advice and now I need it more than ever. I am a very confused soul. I've been dating my guy for over a year, and everything was great. We spent almost every day together, if not, he'll call or text as many times during the day and always expressed his love for me. He even bonded with my boys. One day last month we were making vacation plans, the next day I didn't hear from him. When I called he was very distant and he claimed he needed time. I know what time means, but I didn't understand why he would need time from me, why now? I didn't and still don't understand. It's been 4 weeks and he's still distant, he hasn't initiated contact since then, but has assured me that I can call him at anytime . I've called, texted, gotten emotional and showed up unannounced because I wanted him to see that I was willing to fight for us and do the work; but I'm beginning to feel that I'm pushing him away. Last week I dropped by because I needed answers. I cried, yelled, got angry and even pleaded with him to tell me what's going on; doesn't he think about me, doesn't he miss me, doesn't he care anymore? All he said was he needs time and "maybe" we could go back to way we were, and that he'll call me eventually. I was an emotional wreck, when I left he never even reached out to see if I was OK. It's been four days since I last saw him and neither of us has contacted the other. I don't know what to do, I love this man so much and I don't know where I/we went wrong. Was I wrong for showing him how I feel, did I come across too strong or weak, did I turn him off? I'm so lost, I don't know how to move on. Please help me, I don't want to wait for someone that has no intentions of coming back to me.
Alone in love!
This all happened before you dropped by last week, Kim, so please don't blame yourself. You've obviously tried everything to get some real answers from him and this was your last resort. I know it's so hard to see this right now, but his answers along the lines of needing time and "maybe" are revealing just how not on the same page he is right now. Will that change? You can ask a thousand women and 90% of them will tell you no, it does't change. Find your peace with accepting that you've done everything you can, and now it's time to let go and move on. His response right now isn't the loving one you're looking for, and in a real relationship, when each of us are far from perfect, if this is how he treats you now when you reach out to him, this is how he's going to be then, too. Of course you feel so lost. Find a way to make this your choice, open up to the possibility that you might love the idea of him more than the reality of what he can actually offer you, and in that, make this about you choosing what you want and whether that includes the real him that he's showing you. This isn't personal! Don't take it as a reflection on you. You're a beautiful woman with so much to offer and so much to give someone who wants the same things you do! No matter how good it seems in the beginning, you deserve someone who can ride the waves of real life and can love and accept every part of you. If you're feeling like you're all alone in love, this is your litmus test to check in with yourself and do something different to change it!
in the past whenever i like a guy on the train or bus i would ask him to keep in touch. in the last 3 months i've known this guy for a while as he's acquaintance. in April i texted him & i got into trouble by mum coz i was the 1 who initiated the convo and every time my volunteering got cancelled i felt like texting this guy. when i saw him on the train i told him what happened & he said "That's terrible" and another time he said "you're welcome to text me anytime" i kept it a secret to myself i was relieved he opened the door.
not 1x he has started the convo. when i start convos i get this guilty feeling and thinking it will cause trouble. so i came up with a simple convo starter how are u? he would reply "good". when i give him a statement about me "i like to sleep in" he would say "me 2", if i said something like " maybe we should talk tonight" he would say "ok" in a reply.
this guy is 25 and he tells me he lives a busy life. there has been times where he forgets my name when i see him in person. today i text'd him "how are u" normally he texts back saying "good" but he didn't today. i thought what happened to him. that was the only text i sent on my own. i keep thinking how long shall i wait for a reply?
1 time i waited for a month for a convo start from him n he never started the convo. he lives 15mins away from me. i haven't seen him on the trains at all in the last 6 weeks. but i've seen him 2x in the afternoon trains. when i see him in person the last time he said "sorry i didn't reply to your text this morning as i was very busy"
idk what to do, whether to send him another text on thursday, wait for a reply. i'm always stuck in the trap in wanting to text this guy i like, i understand he lives a busy life. i feel like i'm in this trap i want to keep texting him when i'm sad as i call it Obsessive Texting Disorder.
the other day i haven't seen my friend from primary school n i gave him my number n he gave me n my friend his number but i haven't texted him though n neither does he. idk who should start it, i know this guy for 20 years n he's got a disability too.
idk what to do anymore as i feel like texting him now
Hi Courtney,
You sound like a lovely and kind person with quite a crush! 🙂 I recall having a crush on a guy who I used to see on a commuter train.
Okay, so you are not going to like what I am going to write, but I believe you will feel it's truth:
This guy is not the man for you, not as a friend or a boyfriend or a husband.
If it is possible to take a different train or a different commute, then I suggest you start doing so.
If not, then try to sit in a different carriage/car or ahead of him where you can't see him or in a way where you face the opposite direction.
I know it will be hard!! But you will not be open for the right guy if you continue this crush. What I suggest is take the qualities you thought you liked about him and put them on an imaginary guy.
Now add some more great qualities to that imaginary guy, including he initiates contact with you from the get go (you might not have even ever noticed him before) and he continues to initiate it.
He asks your name and he makes comments and asks questions about you, and seems interested.
And you are happy to notice over time that he seems to seek you out, totally remembers not only your name, but everything you say, including little things that you never would have thought someone would recall.
This guy is respectful and nice, and polite to others on the train.
This guy will come along, maybe on the train or maybe some place else, and perhaps when you least expect it.
But you need to be ready for that, so what you need to go now is work on getting over the guy you wrote about. I would also , for now, stay clear of initiating anything , from a hi or anything.
Your guy IS out there, you just been side-tracked a bit!
And the same thing goes with texting any guy. If you feel like texting them, I suggest taking a walk or going to a coffee shop or exercising or calling/texting a girl, taking a bath, read a book, watch movie, read through this website, especially people's comments.
That urge to text sometimes comes from boredom and loneliness and /or an impatience to get life moving 🙂
We all felt it! But sometimes the waiting part is important. Treat the urge to text like an urge to eat an entire cake in one sitting.
It is a temptation, but one you can distract yourself from and you WILL be very VERY happy later that you did so.
Exactly, EC! Thank you for adding this.
Thanks for jumping in, EC! You said this so thoughtfully and sensitively. 🙂
Guys appreciate it when i approach them. I don t like guys approaching me because they are always the ones i can t stand.
Have you asked yourself why they're always the ones you can't stand, Maria? Sounds like there might be something there for you to explore. Thank you for adding to the conversation!