Our beautiful friend, Jordan, was excited when her boyfriend of over a year asked her where she thought they were heading. But then his response has her more confused than ever and she's looking for some help!
Her story:
Hi Jane,
I've been getting your emails for quite some time now and I love your advice.
I met my boyfriend a year ago (today) and it's been an interesting journey so far mainly due to his job - he is in an elite group of the US Special Forces so he is constantly gone, sometimes little communication, a month trip here, 2 months there, etc. Currently, he is on his first six month deployment.
I think he's had a lot of time to think over there and is usually not an emotionally expressive guy so I was really surprised when I got a text from him yesterday asking "where do you see us headed in the future?" (we can't talk on the phone - only text right now so that is why he didn't call).
I was 100% honest with him.
I told him that after our second date I called my mom and told her I found the guy I am going to marry, and I still feel that way.
He only replied "Wow, that's heavy... and quite flattering," and said he wants to be with me, but can't say yes or no on the marriage thing yet and that he wouldn't want to get married until 1-2 years from now.
I asked him why he asked me about the future and he said he "Just wanted to gauge where we are".
I thought it was sweet and thoughtful, especially coming from someone who doesn't typically share a lot of feelings, but now I'm more confused than ever and have so many questions.
Should he know by now that I'm "the one"? How long does that take? Is there a timeline on that sort of thing?
Don't they say "you know when you know"? Should I take this as a sign to move on? I'm 29 years old and feel like time is ticking away.
I feel like he wouldn't be going through a 6 month deployment with me if he didn't see a future, but if he's telling me he doesn't know about marriage yet is that him really just saying.... I don't see marriage with you? Or I need more time to figure this job/relationship balance out?
Help!
- Jordan
My Response:
Dear Jordan,
Yes, he should know by now.
Yes, you do "know when you know". The key is to find out if he knows before you waste your precious time and energy on someone who may not ever know.
Yes, he might take a little longer than you to get there, to that point of knowing for sure. He might have his own questions and concerns that he needs answered.
But he needs to get them answered. He needs to ask the questions, look for evidence and find the clear indicators to get those answers.
Is he doing that? I know he asked you where you see things going, but does he really need to ask you that? And why?
Without knowing more background about your relationship, it’s hard to say for sure what his motivation was for asking you where you see things going.
But I certainly think your exchange would have been completely different if he really were on the same page as you.
Did he give you any explanation as to why he feels that he wants to wait at least one to two years? Is it job-related? Does he want to be more financially stable? Or is it just that he's not ready now, and doesn't know when he will be, so he arbitrarily put a time frame of a few years on it?
You’re right that at 29 you’re thinking about marriage and kids and settling down. You have every right to be! AND to expect that someone who’s on the same page as you will be, too.
But is this your guy? I don’t know.
I know you probably think that he's the guy you want, but the truth is that what you really want is to love, and be loved, by a great guy that you're attracted to. A guy that want the same things in life that you want.
Is he that guy? He might be, but then again, he might not.
Knowing what I know now, I’d be keeping my options open. For real. I wouldn’t be waiting. I’d be observing. Myself as much as him.
Is one to two years realistic for you? Or more to the point, does that work for you? Is he worth waiting around for one or two more years even if at the end of that timeline he decides he’s still not ready – and might not be able to tell you when he will be?
Or he decides that you're not the one for him, and moves on, leaving you nothing but two years older and starting all over again?
Whether it’s about you, or about him needing more time to figure the work/relationship balance out, will became more and more obvious to you if you’re not so focused on him that you aren’t checking in enough with you.
Take a serious look at the relationship, taking all of the romantic ideals out of the picture - forget all about how you felt after that second date, and what you told your mom. That doesn't matter at all right now.
Would you call him your equal? Do you both want the same things in life? Do you share the same values? Can you talk to him about everything? Do you feel like you just revealed something that the rest of your relationship with him can’t support?
Those are the questions to ask yourself.
That you don’t know after a year what he’s thinking and where he stands – and that this is the first you’ve talked about the future together after a year is concerning for me. These conversations happen naturally when you share that knowing that you’ve got something to base the future on.
And when one or both of you aren’t there, they don’t happen at all.
I hope this helps, Jordan. Time will always tell. The question is, is he worth your precious time to find that out?
Love,
Jane
How about you? What do you think our beautiful friend, Jordan, should do in this situation? Should she just go with the flow, or should she confront him? Tell all of us your thoughts below in the comments!
I've dated and been hurt by a lot of men.
Married to one now who is still unsure of what he wants in the future (go figure).
But I'll tell you this. Both people have to be all in, and if you seek answers outside of the two of you, then you already know, it's just hard to accept.
If you have to wonder if he'll be around, if he wants to marry you, if he wants to be with you, then the answer more than likely is that he does not want to. And we women are so quick to digest that and translate into the "I'm not good enough" thoughts.
That is soo far from the truth. When a man is confused, that's his problem. He could have the most beautiful woman, the smartest, the richest, and he'll still need time to figure it out.
That's the thing I admire about men. They treat themselves like a priority and they do what they want, when they want and they can easily have women just dangling around, waiting until they make a decision.
Queens, it is not supposed to be that way. That's why it feels odd, it feels uneasy. It should not be him who does the choosing, it should be us, the women. The man asks for our hand in marriage and we either accept or don't accept. He has to prove he is worthy of us, not the other way around.
A man who knows what he has, who knows what he wants, and knows what his future holds will do everything in his power to keep that. It's like gold, like a million dollar check. If he is not working his heart out to keep you or move things forward, then either you're putting in way too much effort or he is just not ready at all and you need to be the one to make a decision.
I know it's not the answer you want. I know how painful it is. I've had my heart ripped out so many times. But keep these things in mind. You are in control, you are totally capable of getting the love and commitment you deserve, a man who is not ready is not someone you want to marry anyway, marriage does not equal instant happiness, and you should never have to wait on any man to figure it out. Ever. You're worth more than that queen.
Go out and find your prince charming and leave this frog in the pond for someone else.
Good luck dear!
WELL SAID, D! BRAVO...EVERYTHING YOU SAID is spot on! It is TOUGH to hear that when you are all in with someone and you think of all the things they have said and done that led you to believe you had something. Unfortunately, it is a mirage. Looks real, feels real...but is not! At least, not real enough to stick around for if forever is what you want. It will hurt bad to end it now, but will hurt even worse the longer you wait and WASTE MORE TIME.
Also, if you think maybe he just has cold feet or whatever, if you walk away, he will come after you if you are the one he wants. HE WILL! If he doesn't, he won't. Hurts like hell, but will not feel any better after you've wasted more time on him.
🙁
D/Sue - So well said. "He has to prove he is worthy of us, not the other way around." You are exactly right. I am worth waiting for a guy that will make his love known for me and want to secure a future with me. I have a great career, my own home, volunteer activities, lots of girlfriends, etc. so I don't NEED a man. I guess I just feel like I'm getting older and I need to settle for someone who "checks a lot of the boxes". I think he is far more focused on his career right now than a future with me and maybe the timing just isn't right right now, but I don't want to waste any more of my time.
" a man who is not ready is not someone you want to marry anyway, marriage does not equal instant happiness, and you should never have to wait on any man to figure it out. Ever." Thank you for this.
This is going to hurt... and I don't want to start over... and I'm going to be really sad. And I think that is what has been scaring me. But I've done it before. And you're right, I shouldn't have to wonder and wait..... and like you said Sue, if he is the one for me, he will fight for me.
On Point! Why are we always waiting for the man to decide... I am a Queen:-)
Jordan, I do believe that we meet a guy and know immediately the he is the one. I met an older couple who gave me the same exact story as yours. She went home when she first met him and told her Mom that she was going to marry "x". They have been married for 20 years. So, if you have that feeling that he would be a good man for you then the dating starts and you learn as much as you can. If it turns out it doesn't work then you move on. But, being with someone for a year and saying you don't want to invest 4 more months on the relationship then I would suggest you move on.
I am troubled by his response with "Wow that is heavy". Really? He asked where you 2 were and he didn't expect something like what you said? Sounds to me like he met someone else, wanted to gauge where you were and when you said marriage he was shocked. He didn't want to feel guilty for possibly finding someone else. That was my first thought when I read his response. I know he is away but it doesn't mean he can't meet someone else.
If you don't want to wait then I would say move on. Sorry!
And how we know when is the time to let go, or keep waiting for him to commit, I feel y his a little cruel when we're so ready and so in love and they have us keep waiting until they feel is the right time, well I guess if they're not ready, they don't deserve such a beautiful, and faithful love, they deserve to be alone until they figure it out
"well I guess if they're not ready, they don't deserve such a beautiful, and faithful love, they deserve to be alone until they figure it out" Absolutely!
I understand perfectly all these comments, being in a relationship for 3 in a half years, with a men that I knew after dating for 8 months that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, but when I met him he was so hurt, and like I always said he was literally still bleeding, after being married for 23 years and two kids, his life was absolutely altered when he found out his wife was cheating on him for almost 8 months, I'm still waiting for him to commit cause I know he loves me, but for how long do I have to wait? After 3 years and 6 months just listening promises, and sweet words!! I'm ready now to let go and move on with my life, and find someone that really wants to share his life with me, but how hard is to end up a relationship when you love someone that you can't imagine your life without him!!
You don't say how old he is but he sounds like he might be younger than you and not ready to settle down. I have a friend who met a guy online and he was deployed for a year and then lived in another country for the military for 2 years and he starting talking about marriage after about 9 months and they got married after 2 years together. The guy was ready and they were on the same page and the distance didn't derail them. In fact he was ready for marriage before she was. I think when people are looking for someone to marry they know after a year or so of dating if they want to marry the person. If they are unsure it could be because they simply haven't given it much thought because they aren't looking to settle down. I dated a guy for 3 years who I felt was "the one" and after a year and a half he told me he wanted to marry me but wasn't ready. I stuck around for another 1.5 years waiting for him to catch up, but nothing changed and I left. Oh how I wish I had left sooner. If I were you, I would ask questions and try to get to the root of why he can't give you a definite yes or no. Is it because you haven't spent enough time together? Is it because he's not ready for marriage in general? Is it because he wants to be in a certain place career wise or financially before marriage? More information will help you make a decision of whether to stick around or cut bait. I would also encourage you to think about maybe continuing to date him casually while dating others. Put yourself out there and see who's out there that you can actually physically see on a regular basis. I'd be cautious about putting all your eggs in his basket. I'd set a personal time limit on how long you're willing to give him. Time is our most precious resource, once it's gone we can never get it back! Good luck!
Thank you so much Ana! Yes, he is two years younger than me - you called it! I don't think he is thinking about marriage yet/emotionally on the same page as me. I'm going to stop putting my eggs in one basket and be upfront with him about it.
Hi Jordan, I can really appreciate where you are at in this situation. I just came out of a four year relationship that had these signs at roughly the same place you're at now. I focused on the feeling of chemistry I had around him and how connected I thought we were but failed to notice that he wasn't stable in his attitude about the future. He expressed his thoughts with vagueness and wasn't fully commital, always followed closely with some kind of compliment about how gorgeous I was how close he felt we were (this threw me off track and I didn't then think about what he'd said before that). He was telling me I was amazing but that actually he wasn't sure about the long term. A good friend spotted it and expressed her concern over me getting in any deeper emotionally if it wasn't definitely going anywhere and that's when I started to think. Jane raises some great points for concern and I agree with all of them. Ambivalence in relationships causes hurt and emotional damage in the long run. My advice, but I could be wrong or off the mark, would be: share with him that you've shared precious times, that you love and cherish the relationship and time together but that you need a firm commitment for the future. Perhaps tell him that if he isn't sure right now then you'd like to step back, reflect and not be in a relationship unless he's sure. As hard as this is, it's a way to protect your heart.
This subject is pretty close to the bone. I was slim, attractive and thriving before getting into a long term relationship with just enough hooks (in the form of vague promises) to make me believe one day he'd finally commit. Now I'm recovering from self esteem issues, in therapy and used eating to cope with the constant inner conflict, self doubt and confusion.
I'll thrive again but just wanted to share so that you don't lose precious years of your precious life.
All the best!
Ps, I just read the part about praying together and sharing Christian beliefs. That's all wonderful, I'm Christian too and so is my ex. This can make it very confusing. I still went through all that I did because he was never sure. I realised I'm the Apple of Gods eye so he would want me to feel safe, secure and sure of the future with the right guy. I hope and pray you get all those right signs very soon, or find peace to step back and review things.
Thank you for your advice and prayers. It does make it more confusing and I wonder if I can find someone else that is willing to share my faith + has many other qualities I love. Not easy to come by these days it seems like. You are right, God wants someone I can feel sure and secure with.
I couldn't agree more, Colette...AMBIVALENCE is the death nell...I have found this out the hard way, twice. The hard thing is you don't see it coming. Everything starts out great, and they say and do all the right things until one day, they don't...usually with NO precipitating event! When you get a guy who is all about you for a while, and then you feel that change...something is off...and when you have a discussion, you don't get the answer you're looking for...but only "I don't know..." You have your answer! "I don't know = NO!" I would heavily consider cutting your losses, healing up (it is probably inevitable), and make room for THE RIGHT ONE.
Thank you so much for responding to my email Jane.
I do agree with you that it is concerning that this is the first conversation we've had about a permanent future together. However, we have only physically spent about 4 months total together (I don't think I mentioned that in my letter).
The hard thing is, I can tell him everything, he's one of the only guys I've ever been able to fully share my faith with (he prays with me, goes to church with me when he's home, does daily devotionals on email with me now that he's away), he's supportive of all of my dreams and believes in me, he is my rock & brings me back to reality when I frequently need to be.... We share the same family/professional/personal/spiritual values besides the fact that we love to do a lot of the same things.... and that's hard to find in someone. I'm just stuck between not wanting to give this amazing, rare connection up and wondering if he'll ever know that I'm the one.....
You're so welcome, Jordan. I hope you're finding the shared stories and advice from this beautiful community of women helpful to you. You are never, ever alone in what you're going through! Listen to your intuition, that gut feeling we so often disregard; you know more than you ever believe you do.
This relationship sounds like a waste of time.
Dump him, or at least decrease your level of commitment and date others
When he said, "I Just wanted to gauge where we are". In my mind Jordan's response, should have been, well, first "I want to gauge where you are?". OR seen as you are asking, I'm looking, for some-one to have a life-long commitment with, like most people, and the NO.1 priority is that the man I am with is 100% certain about me and fully committed to us. If that is you 'great!', because you make me happy and I love being with you. If it's not you and your thoughts about us, I sure need to know NOW ?!?!?! When he said in 1-2 years, Jordon should have said, "do you mean definitely with me ???" I am looking for a secure relationship, not a flighty one , thanks ??? Question ??? ...that requires an answer.
Thanks for the advice Sally.... I did ask where he was and he said he wanted to be with me, but couldn't give me a concrete yes or no on marriage at this point. We have only spent about 4 months total together since he is constantly gone. I don't think it's fair for me to give him an ultimatum or tell him he needs to know 100% right NOW if he wants to marry me or not. I feel like some people know the day they meet someone and some people take awhile to figure things out especially if they have very extreme circumstances such as him.
love your response Sally!
I'm not altogether on board with every piece of advice here. This is a first for me since I always agree with Jane.
Personally, there are things that kind of stand out for me as something to consider:
1. According to your letter, you haven't really spent too much time together because he's not available.
2. Based on that, one year is definitely not enough to know if you want to marry someone, let alone if you haven't really shared too much as you said
3. You knew after the second date... Really? There's no way you know someone is right for you after two dates.
4. You're only 29. Should you be taking your love life seriously? Absolutely! I know I am, but you still have more than enough time to find the right man to marry. As Jane said, it's not about getting married and having kids. It's about making the right decision as to who to do that with. What's the rush?
5. Don't have decisive relationship conversations via text. You miss out a lot and it leads to haste and misunderstandings.
I think you might want to seriously start thinking about what you truly need, who you are, all objectively and irrespective of him and give yourself and him some time to see how it develops. Keep your eyes on the prize, but remember that by rushing things you will potentially make bad decisions.
Face your fears, your answers will come even if you do nothing.
Hi Angel,
Thank you for your thoughtful comment.
1. When he is not deployed, he is on training trips, so you are right. He has been gone most of our "year" relationship. He was upfront from day 1 of the relationship that this is a hard life to live and he was initially hesitant to be with someone because he didn't want to put anyone through a relationship where he was gone more than half of the time. So yes, we've known each other a year, but we've physically only spent about 4 months together total.
2. We've shared a lot about families, our faith, thoughts on raising children, etc. but not much about where the relationship is heading... I haven't really wanted to press it and have wanted to let it unfold naturally.
3. I'm not sure - maybe it was infatuation? But I had a strong sense that he was someone I was meant to be with after only two dates.
4. THANK YOU for saying this... I am ONLY 29 🙂 but somehow society makes me feel like I am so behind for my age as far as my love life goes. I've been in 11 weddings, so that may have something to do with the pressure I feel as well!
5. You are right. It is hard to read someone via text message, however, we can only Face Time once every few weeks and I get so impulsive with my emotions so when I saw his text I immediately wanted to have a serious relationship convo to take advantage of his expressiveness. Maybe I should hold off until the fall when he returns to have any sort of decisive conversation and gauge my feelings until then... I guess I was just trying to figure out a definitive YES or NO ASAP because I don't want to waste even 4 more months.....
Your last sentence gave me chills. You should be a guest writer for Jane!! 🙂 Thank you!
Thank you, Jordan for your lovely comments. I'm glad you found the questions helpful to realize there's a different perspective you can consider.
Marriage is something extremely important and it's something that you cannot rush. Go easy on yourself. I'm 30 and I get how frustrating it feels to be one of the few ones without a partner when it feels like everyone else is coupled up. I used to feel that way, until I started looking inwards and considering what I really need and how it's a good thing I'm still single. It means I haven't settled for poor relationships, although I have definitely been hung up on the wrong men in the past and I have made my share of mistakes. I realize that being single is an opportunity to grow, to really think about myself because if I am honest with you,I had no clue up until my last failed attempt at having a relationship. I lost myself in that non-relationship because I hadn't ever thought about myself and who I am without the pressures and the silly ideas society pushes down our throats.
Most of the people I know who have married in their twenties are either in marriages I wouldn't even want to be in, or divorced, some of who are bitter and jaded as well.
The way I see it, taking time even if it was forced to find a partner has allowed me to think more, see myself more and grow more and I am confident I will meet my right man at some point. I would love to meet him yesterday, lol, but if I had to choose between two extremes, I would rather be alone than with a man who has no time for me or no love for me.
Don't settle for crumbs. There is a great man out there for you. Don't get hung up on someone who cannot offer you what you truly need.
This guy may be wonderful, but he might not be it.
The thing you felt after the second date is chemistry. One hell of a ride, but it's not a good predictor of success in the future.
Remember you can only come to love someone once you have shared lots together, physically, mentally, and emotionally. That's how you get to truly know more about someone and bond.
I don't doubt you care about him and you have had wonderful times with him, but you have to ask yourself if a life like this, where you cannot be with him whenever, you have to wait months to have important conversations with him, and be with someone who is not expressive nor truly makes himself available for you, is something you honestly want to be married to.
If the present is not what you want, let yourself open up to other options. Every other idea of the future is you falling for potential, not reality. Potential is not real, it's just in your mind. You gotta want the present, as is.
Jordan - you may have answered your own question with your last statement - 'I don't want to waste even 4 more months.'
However with that said, there are factors you may want to consider as well; ie. the fact your relationship can be long distant due to his work for several months at a time. Take all text messages with a grain of salt. Hold the serious stuff for face to face. Finally, be true to yourself, have no regrets and find peace of mind.