Our gorgeous friend, Nancy, is seriously wondering if the guy she was dating is actually a sociopath. Read her story and let us know what you think.
Her story:
Hi Jane!
I stumbled upon your website by chance, after googling questions that I needed answers to after having suffered at the hands of someone I think may be a sociopath.
It's really frustrating when you have to use google as a tool to get answers because the person who you initially trusted won't give them to you straight. Desperation kicks in and you find yourself typing out anything and everything to help soothe your thoughts.
I will try to keep this as short as possible.
Back in the summer, I met a guy who I thought seemed nice and outgoing. I felt attracted to him, but then after he added me on facebook, my gut instinct told me something was off- his fb consisted of a friend list of all women.
I asked him why that was and he told me it was for girls he met bc he had deleted his real facebook. I'm not a stupid person, of course my alarm bells were going off but I also am the kind of person who wants to give people the benefit of the doubt...or maybe I was stupid when it came to him.
Right off the bat he told me how pretty he thought I was, and I am someone he would marry. Again, I thought it was too soon to make such an assumption, but I thought maybe he was just playing.
Still, I decided to step back and we didn't talk again until September. Then in October, was when we really began texting, I say texting bc at this point we were long distance. I told him in December I would be back and from then on we texted constantly, sending pictures etc.
One thing I began noticing was his conversations were always sexual, I would ask him if he didn't feel any feelings towards me but he would brush it off. Again, I let myself believe maybe this was a defense mechanism of his so I put up with it.
December arrived and we met up, we kissed and he couldn't keep his hands off me, insinuating we should go all the way. I told him no since it was the first time seeing each other after so long so I preferred.
Then in January we met up again after having an argument. I told him I had feelings for him but I was scared of falling in love with him because I felt all he wanted was sex.
His response was that we couldn't fall in love bc we lived too far away.
More excuses.
I ended up having sex with him, and we connected, at least in my mind we did. That evening he told me we would meet up again in a couple days, but the day before he told me he was sick.
Of course I didn't believe him, I told him I was leaving in a week and it would break my heart if we didn't see each other again. He told me he was going away for the weekend and maybe we could see each other when I came back in February.
That was that.
February came and I had to return, he came to my hotel room the night I arrived and this is where I will get personal. I gave him oral sex, but I thought that we would have sex afterwards. He left right after and I was left feeling like a prostitute.
I just want to be as clear as possible.
Two days later we met up again, this time we had sex and he also gave me oral, so I felt that he wasn't being selfish this time. I'm not writing these things to be crass, it's simply to get across what I was feeling after what happened between us. But he left again right afterwards, he never spent a night with me, even after suggesting one time that he would.
I was falling in love with him, but he always made excuses that he was too busy. He said he could maybe come by again in a few days.
He never did.
He asked me if I was on another date and I told him yes, I did have another date. I asked him why he asked, if he was jealous, he told me no, he was fine with it.
The next day he told me he also had a date, and that he could see me right afterwards in his words "I recuperate quickly" insinuating that he was going to have sex with someone else and then with me right afterwards.
That was the last straw for me. He knew I had feelings for him but showed no regard for mine.
I confronted him by saying that I was starting to fall in love with him and and asked if he would ever develop feelings for me. I was basically humiliating myself by asking him this. He told me no, that he was only interested in sex.
I asked him if this was bc it's me or if he's like that by nature, he told me it's a bit of his nature.
I cut off all ties with him, something I should have done many months ago. I let myself be used and manipulated, thinking that maybe I was wrong. All the signs were there and I ignored them.
I feel as though something is wrong with me or if in fact he can't develop feelings for anyone.
I feel hurt and confused. I feel like I let myself be someone I'm not.
I've always had respect for myself and with him, I feel like I was begging for something that never existed. I got to the point of begging this man to come visit me before I left. I was in such a sad psychological state that I humiliated myself to that point.
I'm sorry this is so long, I just really need answers. Why did I let myself be manipulated? Could he be a sociopath?
Kind regards,
- Nancy
My Response:
Oh Nancy, how my heart goes out to you as I read your story.
No matter how you found your way here, I’m so glad you did. The things we do when we’re with someone who triggers us the way this man did for you!
I don’t use the “begging end” lightly when I talk about what we reduce ourselves down to all in the name of what we call love. I hope that by going deeper into this process, by looking at what really goes on when we go from having our self-esteem intact to where we’re groveling for any possible crumb to show us we’re ok, you’ll find some healing here for yourself.
Whether he was or is a sociopath doesn’t matter nearly as much as you do.
Focusing on a label shifts the focus away from what we can fix, from what we can change, and from what we can empower ourselves with and onto someone or something that is completely out of our control.
When we write someone off as being a “sociopath”, or some other label, it’s all too easy for us to stop there instead of going deeper into what why we were so caught up with someone like this in the first place.
Instead of blaming him, which only deflects attention away from us and onto him, there is something here for you to see, something here for you to learn from, as difficult and as painful as that realization of what you had - and what didn’t have – can be.
What I hope you’ll see more than anything else here, Nancy, is that you can trust yourself.
You can trust your intuition, your sense of what’s really going on, regardless of the words someone may tell you. Look at how many times you mentioned here that you had a sense what the reality was, that you felt what would later be the truth, even as you doubted it or didn’t allow yourself to believe you knew at the time.
Underneath everything you tried to convince yourself of, you knew the truth about him all along!
But before you start beating yourself up for any of this, before you start inflicting more pain on an already painful situation, I want you to do the only thing that ever really makes a difference in our healing process; having compassion for yourself.
You allowed yourself to be manipulated for the same reason that we all do. Because we so want to believe it’s true!
We live for the dream coming true, for the happily ever after just like we’ve been told it will look like. Our programming is all about our love being enough – about our being enough – to bring around someone who only needs our love to make it all better. This is why we allow ourselves to be treated this way.
For love.
But what is love when it looks like this? What is love when it treats us this way? We dig our heels in, we resolve that much more firmly to give him what he needs, to be everything he wants, all in the hopes that it will be enough to turn things around. We do everything and anything we can to see it through. And we don’t give up until we’re forced to.
Look closer at what you believe about love, Nancy. Find the definition of love you’ve been following. This is why you went where you did. This why you put yourself in the position you did.
For love. Or at least what we’ve been calling love.
We stop doing this to our beautiful hearts and souls when we allow ourselves to see the difference between a love that’s based on an illusion and one that’s based on real actions that say so much more than mere words.
He represented someone to you. When you know who that is, you can resolve what you need to within that relationship so that you won’t be looking for it in another.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you, Nancy.
This is only how we can’t help but feel when we’ve been with someone like this, who takes every one of our deeply ingrained beliefs about love and turns each one upside down.
Love would never treat you this way. Love would never leave you feeling this way. Love is loving, not hurting. If it hurts, let it go. We find out what love isn’t before we find out what it is.
Regardless of where we’ve been, regardless of what we’ve been through.
Dust yourself off. Stand up tall. Shake off everything you’ve allowed him to put on you. Hold your beautiful head up high.
You are worth so much more than what you settled for, Nancy. He’s not worthy of you. He never was. It’s only that we don’t realize this while we’re still with someone like this.
But now you do!
I hope this helps.
Love,
Jane
What do you think? Is this man truly a sociopath as our gorgeous friend Nancy suspects? Share your thoughts along with any words of advice or encouragement you may have for her here in the comments!
Jane is right - sociopath, narcissist...whatever - it really doesn't matter. What matters are the boundries you set. If you're clear about those boundries and don't allow anyone to breach them - you'll naturally attract men who treat you well.
Nancy, you mentioned raising your concerns with him and he brushed them off. Stronger boundaries would mean he wouldn't have been able to do so. It helps to be a perceptive communicator to hold your partner to account. For example, I'm wary of people who answer a question with a question. Or those that deflect. Or use ambiguous language to allow you to interpret something the way you want to - not necessarily the way it was intended.
Read Who's Pulling your Strings or In Sheeps Clothing - both will help you recognise communication that is dishonest. Then at least, you're empowered with information.
Its devastating to be where you are. But really, everyone here can see you dodged a bullet...one day you will too.x
This is true. Normally I pick up on these things and with him I did too, but I ignored my gut. Never again!!! 🙂
Sociopath? I was married to a sociopath and the best and only thing you can do is to completely cut off any contact with him. I was drawn into my relationship by flattery, gifts, flowers, verbal and physical intimacy. It eventually turned into violence, abuse, manipulation, lies and control. And I deserved it (his words). I found my way to an excellent therapist and with the support of my family and friends I was able to get away.
Here's my point, you're away from him. You didn't marry him. It's not your fault. I love myself now and am healing. Jane is right....love doesn't hurt....ever!
Good luck to you!
I'm with Jane. doesn't matter who or what this man is. The important point is that we women (yes, I've been there far more times than I care to admit) have been conditioned to allow men to use us. We believe that is the only way that we can find love. We have been taught to sacrifice ourselves for love. The truth is the opposite. The truth is that the less important he is to you, the more important you will be to him. So cultivate the belief that you are important in a million ways. Do it continuously all day and night, every day and night. Say it to yourself over and over. Wake yourself up giving yourself a hug and an I love you. Show yourself in all the little things you do for yourself everyday - buy yourself jewelry, go to the spa, feed yourself well. Because you ARE important! And no one is allowed to treat you this way! The absolute first requirement for anyone to date you is that he want you at least as much as you want him. If not, he's disqualified. Cross him off. Next!
Hello everyone!
I just want to thank you all for replying and I also want to apologize for not having replied to everyone individually. I just want to say that it has been about a month or so since I wrote Jane this email, and I'm glad to say that I am doing better. I know that this person was definitely a narcissist, maybe even a sociopath (sometimes these 2 seem to overlap). His behaviour seemed abnormal at times, he would seem very happy one minute, the next minute his demeanour would completely change. His eyes seemed empty at times, almost like a dead glare. Even for someone who just wants sex, his behaviour just seemed off and he did it in a very manipulative way. He never showed any empathy or remorse. It's almost like emotionally, he's an empty shell. I'm just writing this because it's good to be aware of these things. Like I mentioned before, the signs were there early on and I saw them, but chose to ignore them. I will never ever ignore my gut again. They say hindsight is 20/20, well this is absolutely true. This entire ordeal was toxic. I felt like I had been hypnotized. Some moments I didn't even feel like myself and that's never a good situation to be in. I was turning into someone else. I was becoming this needy and co dependent person, a person I wasn't before meeting him. In fact, I had never been this way with anyone else. I didn't know who I was becoming. Ladies, if you're ever in a situation like this, please get out ASAP.
I'm starting to live my life again the way I did before meeting him. I no longer feel an emptiness in my heart, I feel like my happy self is back...that's who I really am by nature, happy, loving and loves life...this is something I didn't feel a couple months ago. I sometimes still have my moments of weakness and sometimes can't help but cry, however, these moments are becoming less frequent and hopefully soon, they will be a distant memory. I know the right one is out there, and I will definitely know when I meet him...this experience helped me to realize everything I don't want, and that no woman deserves. To all of you reading this and to everyone who commented, thank you. I wish lots of happiness for all of you, and many blessings along the way. Big hug!
Here an example of a sociopath... I had already posted that experience a few years back, before I got to know the whole truth recently: I’ve found out 2 weeks ago that the man I had dated for over 2 yrs had concealed to me the existence of his daughters and his wife, living in Ireland. It’s a shock. I would never have dealt with him if I had known his wife has just had her second daughter when he started dating me!! Moreover he took me $50000!! I got to know him via internet, I live in Europe and he lives in GA and works as a pharmacy manager. We visited each other a few times. He made me believe he would shift to Europe and also adopt my child… He always complained how tough he had to work to pay his student’s loan back and that he had bought a $500000 for his ex-fiancee in Ireland, etc… so when he asked me to pay his student’s loan back I agreed. After the he asked me to organize a trip in Europe for him, and I did! Then I wanted to surprise him for Xmas as a present, but when we (my son and me) called from the transit, he said he was in Florida and his friend told me at the phone that his wife was there with the kids, I shouldn’t come, etc. Still as he denied it, I thought his friend would just invent some stories for me not to come… but it was the truth!! I only believed it when I saw the pictures on internet. He’s such a charismatic an manipulative person… I’m totally traumatized and cannot trust my actual boyfriend anymore. It’s just horrible to have been deceived from day one and abused. What can I do against him? It’s really not fair that he continues playing games with the next victims and keeps the $50000 while i’m struggling as a single mother to make a decent living! We should make a list (with names, phone numbers, location, etc.) of these people to prevent them from doing more harm to other women and children!
Hi Nancy, my heart goes out to you too, and I feel angry (on your behalf - not at you!) that you had to experience this. It sounds like you really wanted to give this guy a chance, even though some red flags were there. Something was drawing you in, maybe notice what that was, but please don't judge yourself for it. Like many others have said, we've all been there. It sounds like you feel shame, shame for being manipulated by this man and for becoming someone you don't recognise while you were with him. You deserve nothing but love, and to feel love for yourself more than anything else. I'm not sure how helpful it is to label this man because it doesn't sound like he deserves any more of your thoughts and attention right now, but how great that you now see his behaviour for what it was: not loving, and more importantly not loving enough for you. I also admire that you were willing to name in the letter what was happening in the sex department. I think that's so important, and it's a lot of what helps get everything feeling so complicated in our heads. So much unnecessary shame around that, too. You wanted him, and there's no shame in that. Perhaps the shame you do feel tells you that what you wanted was more than he could give? I think it's a good thing to believe in love, to believe there's love out there for you as well as in you. What I've learned here is that the key is to look in the right places for it. It's that old saying, 'If you want a trout, don't go fishing in a herring barrel' (!). So whether he's a sociopath, psychopath, narcissist, or whatever, what's important is not whether he's a herring but whether he's a trout! He's something other than what you really want so it doesn't really matter what he's about, because it's what you really want that really matters. Nearly a year ago now I met a man who I knew from the start that wasn't right for me (very different values and lifestyle), but because I felt a sexual connection with him and he was gentlemanly towards me I gave it a go. Then I got hooked on the sex part and couldn't see the wood for the trees after that, for a good few weeks. Towards the end I was actually initiating the sex part knowing that's all he could give because there was something I couldn't let go of. I knew at this point that I wasn't doing the best thing for myself, but I couldn't stop because I felt powerless to something. So what I did was, this time, more mindfully observe what I was doing (than with previous partners where something similar had happened) - even though I couldn't stop it, I tried to be kind to myself about not being able to stop. Then I found a point where I could let go. Soon after, I met someone who did seem more compatible (into the same things, similar values, similar lifestyle). Because I again got into the sex part too quickly, I ignored all the ways in which he communicated his lack of availability for the kind of relationship I wanted. This time, when I realised what I'd done, I tried to put boundaries around the sex thing. I didn't do the best job of it, but I did do things differently this time. Ultimately the outcome wasn't what I wanted, he walked away, which is probably what I was afraid of all along which is probably why I wasn't firm about my boundaries from the beginning. I fell in love with him so deeply, and there were times I did things that really did come from a place of having been so wounded in the past - by past relationships (chiefly non-relationships!) and he jumped on this woundedness and was only too keen to blame me rather than face his own issues. But it's not about him. I think about him less and less now. I wonder if I might even be getting over him now. I never thought the day would come when I could stand and say that he's not right for me, that man who seemed so perfect for me. Like being under a spell he never really intended to cast, because he knows he's that ambivalent. But it's not about him. Even on the days when I still want to know whether he did really just use me or not, I soon get to thinking that really that doesn't matter: what matters is whether what I am accepting right now is good enough for me. Nancy, you already decided his behaviour isn't good enough for you, that's all you need to know. I suppose what I'm trying to say in the whole story of what happened to me is that the way out of the pain of choices that don't serve us is a journey and it's not always a smooth road. Stay focused on you and what you are choosing for you. See the best in you and you'll choose the best for you x
Hi Clairey!
I Love what you said about the trout---it's true 🙂
I'm sorry you went through that. It's amazing how we ignore our gut and alarm bells because we're so blinded by something. We want it to be real, so we ignore our instincts. One thing I have learned is to never ignore our gut. If something feels off...run. Run like hell! Hugs to you
Aww thanks Nancy, I'm glad to hear you're feeling so much better now. It's hard to run when you're in it, but I think there can come a point where something becomes so intolerable that you resolve not to go anywhere near something like that again! Wishing you lots of love and light in your healing process 🙂
Thank you...same to you 🙂
Hi Nancy,
You are not alone, and you will find a good person who loves you the way you do them. Like all of us, we need to unlearn some pretty messed up ideas, before we can learn good ones...Like Jane said.
Something that all women need to consider today, that this type of texting/sexting is becoming so prevalent in today's world. It is happening with men from 20 to 70. We, as women cannot possibly begin to understand why men get off on this type of behavior, because we are motivated by such different things.
I am learning this the hard way as well, and am just a few steps ahead. It is painful, degrading, humiliating and every other thing you can call it, because it pushes so many buttons. We want and need so badly to believe.
The only thing we can believe now is in the virtual world there are good guys and bad guys, just like in the real world. Listen to your gut, it will never mislead you in love. And even if you decide to ignore what it is telling you at the time, still listen and learn from it.
Be good to yourself. Treat yourself with kindness.
I wish you all the best on your journey.
Jackie:
Thanks for the book resource! I plan to read it for educational purposes.
Suzie.
Hi Nancy,
one thing that I've learned is that when have to go on Google to check if someone's behavior is normal, it probaly isn't.
It's hard, we develop feelings for a person and wish that things were different.
People are who they are, and this one is clearly not a good one for you.
I have a "friend" who says I'm a great, intelligent, beautiful woman who's gonna make a man really happy some day. He knows I'm interested in him and he could be the "happy dude" if he wanted to.
He says he's not interested in a serious relationship right now.
It hurts because I know that he's not interested in a relationship WITH ME.
He might as well meet someone in the gym tomorrow and be married in 3 months...
It hurts a bit...
if I'm all that why isn't he interested in me?
That is so puzzling. I've had that too, where men tell you how great you are, better than the women they've been with - yet not enough to actually be with. I now think it's their way of saying that yes, they are attracted, but you don't have the thing they really connect with. And that may not even be a good thing, it's just how they roll. It's upsetting though when you like them, but it's just not going to happen. However I guess they're saying it's their fault, not yours.
Dearest Nancy,
You will find here that you have friends that have been involved in a relationship/s such as yours. I am very impressed that you caught him at his game early. I on the other hand took much, much longer to see the truth. If it makes you feel any better at all, I did the same thing. Googling information to find out what in the world was happening to me. In my case, I Googled, Why won't he love me? My first inkling was to read the resource that came on the screen that piqued my interest. WHY MEN CAN'T LOVE. It is a book you can use for very helpful information. In my case, I discovered I was in love with a toxic narcissist. Wow! I was shocked! From there I read the book, Help! I Am In Love With A Narcississt! For me, reading this material gave me some closure. I was totally angry at first, and then I realized that I felt bad for him because of the trauma he endured as a child. It caused him to wear a mask and hide his true person and his deep fears. I left him him after the financial resources came to get out of that 7 year relationship. Yes, I said 7 years! I have since taken Jane's course and am just finishing up. I also have read volumes of other books that have brought me out of fantasy relationships and into the true worth of who I am. I saw I had my own childhood issues that needed to be addressed as to why I would continue to be in bad relationships through research. This may have been your first relationship of this kind. Either way, you are perfect just as you were before you met that guy and will self love you can heal and help others to be wary of those seeking to prey on you or those you know and love.
Love and peace. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!
Suzie.
Thank you, Suzie for your kind words 🙂
It hurts I know. But it's also a learning experience. If nothing more, we at least learn from it, pain is growth. We can't know what happiness is until we know what pain is. Hugs to you!
Yes, it has been a life- transforming process Nancy. A very good and necessary change. Hugs right back! 🙂
Wow that sounds similar to my situation. I've been with this man for over two years - he tells me every day how much he loves me, that I have nothing to worry about, that he loves me so much and no one else. However, he disappears for hours at a time with no response, and I've had women contact me telling me they are seeing him too, and have been seeing him for years. He denies it all, says they are crazy jealous liars, but the dates and times they gave for when they were with him coincide with his texts or calls telling me he was somewhere else, sleeping, hanging with buddies or simply had disappeared for a few hours. One of these women have also confirmed that he has been with me and her on the same day within hours of each other, on many occasions. Ewwww gross. I now know what he said were lies and excuses and he was with these women. My gut feeling warned me in the beginning but I ignored it because I fell in love and so wanted him to be the one. Whenever I've asked him or confronted him he explodes with anger and blames me for being jealous and suspicious. Now I'm trying to extricate myself from this. It should be easy given the circumstances. He has lied to me all along. He lies about everything. I'm a confident, attractive, fit, successful woman. What the hell is wrong with me that I would put up with that!?
"...and blames me for being jealous and suspicious".
Been there. We start to doubt ourselves, we get involved.
That's abuse! Some people do that. Do not allow him to do it with you..
Trust yourlself, be strong.
One thing I learned from this experience is always trust your gut. Please believe me when I tell you this! Hugs
Cut him off. Block all connections, get a restraining order so he doesn't come begging at your house. Heal and move on. He will destroy who you are, your selfesteem, selfworth. You don't want that kind of individual in your life. Chalk the experience up as a learning experience... You are now stronger as you move forward with your life. Cut those types of men off early!
Yes, narcissistic. Self absorbed, cannot step out of his shell to be vulnerable and probably can only relate to a female sexually... UNLESS, he is married and/or has another serious girlfriend that he is not enjoying sexually.
What does he do? It sounds like he doubts himself, can please you sexually and why he has your for that connection.
Do you know if he is truly single or unattached?
Hello!
I'm pretty sure he wasn't attached. Am I 100% certain? No, but almost. He said he was working on his masters but recently I found out that was a lie. He is a narcissist, that I have no doubt about. He had these masks, almost lile different personalities and sometimes the mask would slip. I also saw and emptiness dead look in his eyes sometimes. Plus the fact that he never showed empathy or remorse leads me to think he may have sociopathic tendencies at least. Either way, he's emotionally abusive and it was a toxic situation that I am glad I no longer have to deal with.
Unfortunatly there are plenty of men like this out there. Personally, I don't think they are sociopaths, I think they are disrespectful men looking for the women that will give them what they want. There are plenty of women just like them out there, and he was hoping you were one. Good for you for walking away when you did. It's too bad you got hurt in the process. As we go, we learn more and more of the red flags that pop up and learn to trust ourselves faster. It's a learning process. I was in an abusive relationship with what I believe was a psychopath/sociopath of sorts for over a decade...I don't say this with jest. He saw opportunities (not just sex) and used them for himself, he showed no remorse for anything, and he never accepted responsibility-even when police came to the door after I was choked the final time he thought being a paramedic would get him a pass for being arrested. After he blamed me, walked around like nothing. Disgusting. So...there are books to help you understand sociopathy and psychopathy. Protect yourself, they are out there. I saw mention of Hare's books...he's written many and is good (I haven't read them all, but parts of some). Books like these helped me figure out finally that I wasn't dealing with a normal abusive relationship because it never fit what I read; helped me figure I wasn't dealing with a normal human being. Once ypu can read what you're dealing with you can one up them and protect yourself, sociopath or just a regular slime ball.
It's so easy to be with someone for the illusion rather than trying reality. I've learnt that the hard way. But knowing this helps to heal a broken heart.
Nancy, we all been there, but we made it though!!! This was just a lesson, please learn from it. Always go with your gut feeling it will never let you down. When something smell like mess (being nice with my words) that what it is mess!!! Don't wallow in what happen, just learn from it!!
I met the same type man and am still hurting. In my case this man has disappeared for 6 months before calling and a year begore seeing me. He is a narcissist and I hope I will remain strong and never see him again.
Block all connections and move on. You do not want anyone in your life who affects the way you feel about yourself, in a negative way. Pursue loving yourself. Once you've mastered that you won't tolerate anyone not treating you correct or who makes you feel negative about yourself.
Nancy - I'm sorry that he treated you with disrespect and wasn't on the same path of wanting a real relationship filled with all the love you were willing to give! You sound very aware identifying all the signs along the way that were him showing his true self to you. Now that you are reflecting on the whole relationship from a more objective vantage point, I hope it is a little easier to see his true intentions, listen to his words, view his actions and know that it isn't aligned with what you are craving for yourself! It sounds like you are ready for a relationship and want to be in an honest partnership and in love with someone. This man -- regardless of his mental health status -- did not want the same thing. And, I have lived long enough now to start to realize that there is truly someone out there that meets our needs and matches our desires and all of us women who have been vulnerable and then hurt can benefit from Jane's lovely advice here. You certainly do not need to sell yourself short to get scraps of attention and sex from someone who is being dodgy, dating around, and only wants one thing from you. I wish you a gentle healing phase and hope you keep active on this site here -- I have found Jane's work to be so helpful in focusing on my own self-esteem as step 1 to dating.
I lived with a narcissist for twenty five years and told myself a fairy tale of love. In getting back on my feet. my counselor had me address the fears that I would repeat this pattern by having me journal about how a man on a date made me feel safe. I had to stop and write and process everything he did that made me feel safe, known, or loved. Then I had to write anything that didn't feel good. In doing this, I am beginning to be more honest with myself.....to be able to see that I am worth being taken care of made to feel safe....and I am finding men who desire to do all those things. I also began to respect my own boundaries and live into the fact that my skin is the beginning of my soul and I cannot give it to someone until I have a connection all the way down to my heart first. I am so glad you woke up and realized you are worth so much more than a man that recuperated quickly! You are worth a man that stays for the rest of your life!
Thank you! Narcissits have a way of hypnotizing you. I acted in a way that was so out of character for me, and he seemed to enjoy seeing me suffer, he liked getting reactions out of me.
I feel the same way,the guy I'm dating is just using me for sex,I don't know how to get out of this relationship, because I'm attached to him,pls help
Sifiso
Hi Nancy,
The mere fact that you had doubts about
How can you get someone that is worthy of you if you are getting used!!!!
Tell him to go away and leave you alone! You deserve better ?
You can get out, I did. If you'd like to send a final txt you can but you must cut all ties. If you've been clear to him about how he makes you feel then no need for a final txt. Block all connections, seek healing, hangout with friends that lift you up, take a break from dating to heal and to learn how to love yourself. The hardest thing I had to do in my life was to walk away from someone I should hv never fallen in love with. It was an addiction I had to let go of. As most know an addiction can destroy you so walk away and never return. You are beautiful, loving, & a good woman worthy to be loved.
There is a book called Snakes in Suits by Dr. Robert Hare. Dr. Hare's work is about psychopathy. May find his research helpful. If he is a psychopath, just know this: its not personal. He is a snake.
Hi Nancy,
The mere fact that you had doubts about him is a step in the right direction. You are far more worthy than that and you deserve the best. One day you will meet Mr right and find true love. All the best and take care.
Doreen