This letter is for you.
The you behind the email that says all you want is to get him back.
The you who writes that you’re in too deep to just let him go even though everyone around you, maybe even including your therapist, tells you it’s time.
The you who gives so many reasons that you can’t imagine living your life without him.
The you who can’t hear anything else that anyone says about the other side of this; you only know your heart is breaking now and he’s the only one who can put it back together. It doesn’t matter how he treats you or how much you know you deserve better.
Better isn’t him.
But without him in your life, how can anything be better?
It’s you I’m writing this for today.
Because in going through my inbox to select a letter for today’s post, I came across so many emails that were only comprised of a sentence or two. You may not have said enough to fill an entire blog post, but what you did said everything to me.
How do I get him back?
I can’t let go, even though everyone else tells me to.
I’m in too deep.
I love him even though he treats me bad.
How can I make him love me?
These are the words you can hardly dare to breathe. Just saying them makes it all that much more real.
And while your individual situations are all unique to you, the questions you’re asking are all the same.
How do you get someone back? How do you get someone to love you? How do you get someone to see that the grass isn’t greener anywhere else but with you? How do you change someone back to the way he used to be, to wind back the clock to the very beginning when everything was so good, before he got so distant?
You can’t change him, but you can change you.
And you can start doing something different right now with you. When you say these words, what you need - what this relationship needs if it’s going to have a chance at becoming something more – is space.
Regardless of what’s going on, we can’t think clearly, we can’t see him for who he is and ourselves for who we truly are and what we need, until we can emotionally detach enough to find that out.
That’s where the space comes in.
For him. For the relationship.
But most of all, for you.
I know this first part is the most difficult part of all, but it’s how we start to change any of this. It’s the only way to know for sure what you have, what you want, and what you can live with.
It’s the only way to know who he is, and what he has for you, and if you can live with the reality that actually is. Not the reality that you only want it to be, the one you try so hard to make it be.
How much space?
That depends on your specific circumstances, but you want it to be enough so you can see what he does with that space, so you can see clearly enough to know what you think about the amount of space that he shows you is clearly the kind of space he’s comfortable with.
I know this is going to feel so difficult at first, because it’s the exact opposite that you’re looking for from him.
More closeness, more togetherness, more of him, not less.
But whenever this happens, it means we missed the most important part in the beginning. But it’s not too late to turn it around.
Yes, you’re probably going to feel anxious. Space is anxiety provoking in most of us when we’re already so rejection-sensitive and feel our own abandonment triggers at the slightest hint of distance from him.
But this time is different because you’re the one doing this for you. Fill that space with your own beautiful life that’s waiting for you to notice it, with all the people and places and activities that speak to you, that have so much in common with you, that embrace you just for being you!
Don’t underestimate the power of this space, to change him, to change your relationship, and most of all to change you! This is how you see what’s there – and what isn’t.
Don’t fight it! Don’t be so afraid of this that you’re afraid to give it a try. You can do this!
It’s in allowing what’s meant to be to be – by his actions and what he does with the space, and by your response to what that looks like in reality – that you discover what you can live with, and what you can’t.
You discover a choice instead of no choice.
You discover a voice for yourself instead of silence.
And you discover what it means to do everything you truly can to find out what’s really there, and what’s not.
At the end of the day, that’s what matters.
Because if the two of you are truly compatible and truly meant to be together, you have to be able to live with the reality of who he is and who he may never be.
Can you do that?
If he’s worth it to you, you can. This is what is going to be revealed to you in that space if you allow it to be. It’s how we move past the fantasy to see if our dream can become reality.
Don’t be afraid to find out. It’s the answer to this that you really want to know!
Love,
Jane
Did this one resonate with you? I'd love to hear from you in the comments section. You're never alone in what you're going through.
Thank you Jane for the inspiring message! I am stuck in a bad cycle. I am tired physically and emotionally. We have tried the "space thing" a couple of times, and he always comes back. However, after being disrespected again after he swore no more secrets, no lies, he does it again. This happened after I mentioned "marriage". I know I deserve better, its just hard to imagine life without his good qualities, and dating someone else scares the pants off of me! We have been together for 3 years, and I do have many doubts. I am stuck in not knowing where to turn. It is heart wrenching. Im afraid if we give each other space, it will knowingly be the end of us.
Thank you once again Jane.
I cannot believe it, this article just jumped out at me. Your articles always do this just when I need clarification bammmmm you're there.
I had a weak moment last night and contacted my ex whom I ended it with to give me space and to see what he does with that space that i've also given to him. I had been out on a date with someone else and just got back home and missed my ex so msgd him but I got my act together this morning and msgd him again saying to ignore my msg last night. I' fine but it is hard. I love your articles thank you.
Suzy
Thank you, Suzy! I'm so glad this came through for you! Don't be afraid of what we call those "weak" moments. Even if we follow through with them, they often show us more of what we couldn't otherwise see.
Hi Jane,
Thank you for your email and YES! It did resonate with me. Finally accepting the reality of what is and not what I was trying to make it to be. He text me recently to ask how I am after two months of no contact, I waited until the following day before replying to check in with my emotions first. I feel ok. Thank you Jane.
Lisa xx
You're welcome, Lisa. So glad this resonated with you! 🙂
Finally I feel like I am not alone in my personal hell. I have been dealing with a man for the last 2 years that constantly treated me with disrespect and dishonesty...how can I possibly love someone that ping pongs back between me and several other women?
well i did something that I swore I would never do.....I contacted his other lover and filled her in on what he has been doing to both of us all the lies and manipulation . I am not proud of what I did , but it helped me heal as well as her. In a way I think I actually did that in order to make sure that he would never contact me again....I cant stand the heartache that would eventually make me crazy. Was I wrong to open her eyes??
oh you're never alone, B. You did what you felt you had to do for you. Let that be enough. Don't make it about whether it's right or wrong for someone else. You can only be true to one person - you!
Thanks again Jane! Yes, I can definitely relate to your message today. I have reached my limit with the man I loved and decided to pull back completely. I'm tired of being used and taken for granted by him. Reached the point that I know he doesn't love me due to his treatment of me. I want and deserve much better now and decided to let go of things and people who were not working for me. I'm starting now and will continue into the new year taking care of myself, implementing different interests and goals, living my life now instead of putting it on hold and the hardest part of the whole process is learning to accept myself, self worth and loving myself completely. I know for a fact that I don't love me only deal with myself on a day to day basis. I want my loneliness to end but don't build a constructive social life; I want to be in an exclusive relationship with a considerate and supportive man but doubt has jaded me; I want to feel good about myself and attractive at this age and stage for me but feel like I'm running out of time. I need to find myself for me first and now. Hopefully, I will love again but right now it hurts too much to keep giving, trying and desperately loving someone who doesn't reciprocate at all. I'm done with the man I love and wish him well on his journey, now it's time for me to be on my journey of self discovery. Happy Holidays!
Hello, yes i do see what your saying, but how do i tell him ,i want space , when all i have told him is ,i want to get together and get on with our lives, he says he really wants this, but will not leave his son ,who lives with him, who has a girlfriend of 2 years and he works full time ,and is 32years old . she is 31. and has he own houses. ?.i have told him i have had enough, and i am not happy as i was
Jane says you ar a so beautiful girl....I like it.......
greetings Jane, i am truly touched by the letter you sent. i feel like it resonates a lot with me and the advice you gave on the letter is something that i know i have to do for my own good but i'm afraid of losing him to another woman.
So glad it resonated with you! Don't fear losing someone who can be lost. I know this is deep, but someone who doesn't want to be lost can never be lost in the first place.
Jane I just want to commend you on your mission to help women who
are suffering with the emotional turmoil that comes with loving men who
for one reason or other don't give them the commitment they need.
I have lived through loving someone like that for 7 years, this was 5 years ago, I wish I had known someone like you then. I did give him the space and finally came out the other side a much stronger person. It was the most painful but finally liberating experience of my life. Reading your posts I can reasonate with all the brilliant advice you give, you have walked your talk and it shows through with your understanding and compassion. Thank You!
Thank you for your beautiful words, Linda, and for inspiring us all with your story. How I can relate to what you're saying! When you've walked in these shoes you understand so much more than anyone else can. And we become stronger - and so much more - than we ever could have been before!
So good to hear. I'm not even myself anymore..I am now an angry person and not saying anything as the only thing I can say is goodbye. I have that "face" on me. This relationship hurts.
It's six years later and it still has no direction. I leave I come back. I'm afraid to leave again. It's consuming me. I shut down then I talk again and nothing changes.
Thanks Jane for another wonderful and meaningful post
One we can all relate to in some way or form.
I feel at times we bond far too quickly, even before the guy had proven he is worthy of us! We get chemically addicted and start to confuse this with love
It's only when we detach we start to see with eyes wide open and what is really going on
I read this wonderful quote the other day from Tony Gaskin
Is it love or addiction?
Many couples are suffering from addiction to one another's insecurity. Addicted to the struggle to the drama; make sure you're not calling an addiction, real love
Blessings to you Jane
Rosy x
Oh how we do, Rosy. This is such an important part of the conversation if we're open to having it. We can call anything love if it's all we've ever known. Addiction to a person - and what it triggers in us - is a very powerful thing.
Thanks Jane, this message was Really Just For Me. I really did good, I wanted so bad
to take Thanksgiving Dinner to him today, but this helped me be really strong.
Hope you had a Great Thanksgiving.
Misty
Thank you, Misty. I'm so glad this resonated with what you already knew in your heart to do. The hardest part is remembering that you always do!
I just sent a long detailed comment. However the box requesting to receive a reply did not show up until after I pressed send. I'm sending this in hopes that you will receive this and add me to your response list thank you
Wow Jane, this really hit it dead on to the heart of my situation. I'm 54 years old & in a relationship with a 53-year-old man for the past 3 years who is going through a midlife crisis trying to figure out what he wants to do with his life where he wants to go and he wants to spend it with. I moved 3,000 miles to be with him & have a future together. He loves me very much and says I'm a perfect match for him, however there is something missing and he's trying to figure out what it is that's holding him back from truly committing. We have been living together, however I am going to be moving out because he needs the space to be truly alone and figure out his life and its path. It's heartbreaking to have the potentiality of a perfect relationship with someone who doesn't love themselves enough to see what's possible. I know we all have our issues & flaws, & I am by far not a perfect person. Any help and words of wisdom you have to offer our greatly appreciated. I love this man with all of my heart & want what is best for both of us.
Jane, your email rsonated with me. I gave him space in May, here it is the end of Nov. and all I get is , a happy thanksgiving, no hi MJ just happy thanksgiving. I think he is feeling me out. I did not respond to his text message. I ignored him. I feel like he's setting the stage for next year, thinking I'm going to pay his way on a trip to Alaska. Not happening. He uses women so they will pay his way. Several women have taken him on cruises, trips to Europe. I was dumb enough to pay his way on a 2 month across country road trip. He led me on believing there was more to our relationship than it was. I got tired of his disappearing and called it quits. I'm not going back to a man who is dishonest, unstable and without integrity.
What do you mean by space? A break? And how do you initiate and what to say ? And what are the parameters and time?
Valorie, I hope you don't mind my contributing. I'm going to give you an example that my friend is going through right now. Long story short: He is unsure, doesn't know , possible commitment phobia etc. just after their 3rd (live in) years together, I'm talking about marriage and kids later. She asked him to make up his mind in 6 months, but tried counselling to talk about his issues. That didn't work and it was very expensive. 2 weeks ago she had to move out (probably not her choice, here is the space/break you were asking about) Now, they are back to "dating" which to me is wrong going backwards. She is frustrated, sad, etc. I tried to tell her to just break it off, but she's fighting for him because they still love each other despite this. This doesn't sound like love to me, I guess it's different for everyone.
She says her mother thinks they'll get back together. Also, 3 of her other friends, I don't know, went through the same thing and got back together. But I didn't ask her if those people are actually happy. It's like trying to make someone commit when they probably can't instead of moving on and finding someone who can! I think she's too hopeful and disillusioned. I sure hope not to go through something like this ever.
(if you ever read this (my friend) I'm sorry I posted your story. But I care as a friend and I think you are worth more than this and deserve someone who wants to commit to you without all these issues. )
Start small, Valorie. See how much space you need to allow you to detach emotionally from any outcome, to simply observe without being so attached to that outcome. You don't need to say anything. You let your actions say it all. You get busy with your own life, by putting the focus back on you. You live, instead of waiting around for him to decide, to choose, to live up to that potential you see. You take it one step at a time. What does he do with the space? Does he fill it in by initiating more, or does he leave the space right there between you? Watch, listen, observe. With eyes wide open you'll know more as you see more. You may know more right away, or you may need more time to see more, but one thing's for sure - the answers to your questions will become clear as you walk through this.
This is so what I need to do ! I am always afraid to walk away and give space fearing that all would be lost. but maybe if I do this I'll find out if it was really meant to be. Just fear that it will end what little we have ... Ugh
What little we have... Very interesting statement... I know it has to do with self love and self respect
Isn't it! So telling.
Exactly, Kathy! We're always so afraid to find out what's really there, but deep down inside, we already know. We're already living out that truth, all the space does is simply show us that we can trust ourselves, that we can trust our gut instincts, because it finally confirms what we need to know to live instead of fear, to take our life by the horns instead of burying our heads in the sand. Hoping, hoping hoping. Let the peace of finding out what's real and what's not wash over you. All is never lost because you simply can't lose something - or someone - that doesn't want to be lost in the first place.
Dear Jane, it amazing how every email that I read actually relates to the situation that I'm going through. My heart aches now that I heard that he has been out with other people. I feel that I deserve to be the one he chose to be out in public with. I am deeply hurt and confused why I'm being treated like this. I have tried moving on but I won't allow someone to date me. I really want things to work out with him. Even though the way he treats me, I still love him. How can I let go?
Oh how I hear you, D. How are hearts ache when someone chooses someone else instead of us! And yet, look at how in control you are. Look at how repeatedly tying yourself to him and trying to make him behave the way you want him to keeps you tied to him. Look at how you allowing yourself to be hurt and confused over something you have no control over - him and his actions - keeps you from moving on. Where is he the way you see him like this except in your own mind and with what you're giving him the power to do to you? I know you love him and want things to work out with him, but accepting what he's showing you instead of trying to make it different or insisting on loving someone who treats you this way, will allow you to see him for who he is and who you are. You've got all the power here, D! It's yours to use however you choose. If you want to let go, choose to let go! Because you have to first actually want to let go of him in order to be able to truly let go. You can do this!
i like this guy n i was the 1st person to meet him b4 my best friends did n i've known him for 5 years n i didn't see him as much between 2011 - 2014 and this year i reunited with him and i like him more than a friend. what goes through my mind is this line "5 years & ........" n during that period of time he's never deleted me n he would start FB convos.
this year i reunited with him at my gardening group n he's met my best friends who know him for 1 year & at gardening i feel safe n happy when he is around n i feel there should more than just gardening. my goal is to try n meet him casually 1 on 1 over a coffee or at the cinemas to try n make the friendship stronger in knowing him beta.
i know he ticks my criteria i feel me n him are meant to be friends or even more than that. i'm gonna let him ask me out rather than me asking him out to save rejection.
i've been giving him space in 10 day break n he's polite n gentle n he expresses himself. in my heart i feel he wouldn't ignore me on FB chat.
i'm thinking of inviting him to my events. idk whether to see him 1-1 n get to know him more n making the friendship stronger or go to the next step.
But does he seek you out, Courtney? It's so easy to respond or to not ignore you, but to reach out to you, that shows so much more of where he's at. You're worth so much more than merely responding to you, but actively seeking your out instead!
I'm struggling and suffering with a six year on/off with my neighbor. He is 72 and I am 68. Sounds sick? It is..I take space I leave I come back. He is disrespectful and a liar. I don trust him. I know it's a dead end and I am stuck. When I leave he never chased me. We make plans when I return that never follow through.
It's not sick, Rosey; it's waking up, it's seeing what you couldn't otherwise see without it being this bad, it's you seeing what you can live with and what you can't. It's you discovering you in a way that's never, ever too late. Wrap your arms around that beautiful woman you are - that you will always be! - and don't ever let her go. Yes, you deserve so much more and when you refuse to settle for anything less, you'll find exactly that and nothing less!
Your advice has helped me through a very difficult time in my life. I am finally at that stage you have described in the letter above.....
oh Elizabeth, I'm so touched by your words and so glad that you're coming through this in your own time, in your own way. Thank you. We do get there! Every single one of us!
When someone is gone they are gone. Relationships are not that hard. The people are. Sometimes a person is just not worth it. Grieve for what has gone but don't try to get it or them back.
So true, Jackie, and yet most of us have to find this out in whatever way we need to until we come to see this for ourselves.