One of our gorgeous readers, who has called herself "A", has been dating a guy for a while, and now thinks he's dating other women. He says these other women are just friends, but she's not sure what to do next.
Here's her email:
Hi Jane! I am so glad I have found you.
I find this website very helpful and I think for most of us, its a relief, because from my experience I get really confused and that inner voice inside of me telling me "I don't think this is going to end well".
Well here is my question: from a guy's point of view what's the idea of dating?
Because I have been dating a really nice guy for a month now, he is 3 years older than me (I am 22), although age doesn't really matter and for once I thought, wow I think this is the one. This guy seems just right, with the way he treats you, takes you out, worries about you, talks to you everyday, I feel great every time I am with him and I think it's the same feeling from his part, anyway its the whole fairy tale.
Everything it's perfect.
Suddenly just out of the blue, I noticed on the social network that he is also dating other girls.
I felt horrible, because I have fallen completely for him, so yes it hurts. I was mad, and confronted him, he told me he never made fun of me and was not going out with anyone but me. So those pictures what? "They are just friends".
He also said he doesn't want to be with anyone at the moment, but we are still talking, although since that happened not with so much frequency.
So here's my question, if you are dating...do you have the right to ask for exclusivity, even if you are not in a serious relationship?
How do you set the cards on the table, without scaring him off? Because from my experience, when I am dating, I like to get to know that person, but just that person.
Everything seemed fine until I asked him what is it that you want with me if you don't plan to move to the next step (and I meant a relationship).
Thank you so much for your time, and will really appreciate if you could help me clear my mind.
-A.
My Response:
Dear A.,
I'm so glad you're here, too – and feeling that relief that finding something that finally resonates with what you know in your own heart to be true brings to you. Welcome!
This is such a great topic you've brought up here, because I've felt for a long time that every single one of us can benefit greatly from taking a fresh look at dating.
So let's back up for a moment and get into the background of what's going on behind the scenes here. We women, being the good little girls that we were positively reinforced to be, have been brought up to date one guy at a time.
To get to know him and only him, putting all our eggs in one basket and not dating anyone else until we find out if he's going to choose us.
No matter how far we've come as women in our culture, anything else still feels "slutty" even if we're not sleeping with anyone. And somehow we've assumed that he's doing the same thing if he tells us he is, if he tells us he's on the same page as we are, if he basically tells us everything we want to hear.
We don't question it.
And the truth of the matter is, most of us don't really want to know if it's anything different than what we want to believe it is.
But in our culture, there's a double standard that goes on. That men can date other women and it's OK. That they're almost expected to date more than one of us at a time if they can get away with it.
It's the old boys' club, guy thing that they prove how much of a man they are by how many women they can get.
So while yes, he's getting to know you better and deciding what he thinks about you, he's also keeping his own options open while he's deciding what's working best for him.
Not every guy does this, but it's important that we recognize that this is the general cultural mindset of this time and place we're living in so that we don't give our hearts and our bodies away too soon before we know for sure who this person is we've made into "the one", before we even really know him.
This is why I'm always concerned when I hear words like "fairy tale " or "perfect".
The reality is the only way to know if someone is going to live up to the potential you see, or be "the one" you think he is, or be capable of giving you the "fairy tale" you've always dreamed of, is by taking the time to get to know him well enough to find that out.
Anyone can promise you the world, anyone can say all the right words he knows you want to hear, anyone can put on an act to get what he wants, but it takes someone consistently showing you that he is who he says he is by his actions and his behavior over time, for you to know if it's the real thing.
And here's the most important part of all of this, A. You absolutely have the right to ask him for exclusivity.
But here's the catch. There's a way to do it.
You tell him what you're looking for. You let him know what you need from him. You own your own needs instead of looking to him to decide if you have the right to have those needs in the first place. Because you do!
That's the difference!
Because someone who's on the same page as you and looking for the same thing as you are is going to rise to the occasion and make sure there's no doubt that you're seeing that from him. But the guy who can't give you that – or runs away when you tell him what you're looking for – is making this so much easier for you even if you can't see it that way when you're in it.
He's showing you who he is. He's giving you a chance to see the real him. And that's huge!
It's not personal, A. We always think it is, but it's not. If he's not there, if he doesn't want the same thing you do, be so glad you're finding this out now before you've given any more of your beautiful loving, giving, believing heart away.
There's so much more I say on this subject in my "Beautiful, Confident, Radiant YOU" program, but I hope this helps for now.
You're doing the choosing, A., not waiting to be chosen by someone who isn't on the same page as you. It's not your role to settle for anything less!
Love,
Jane
What do you think our friend "A" should do in this situation? Share your thoughts with us in the comments!
I think Evan Mark Katz has it right, mirror the man, keep dating, no sex before exclusivity.
Dear Jane,
First, I want to thank you, for all of your insight. Wow! I can't tell you how grateful I am to have found you!!
You have validated my feelings and you have given me my dignity back.
It's like,most my girlfriends don't understand where I am coming from because they either settle for men that don't meet their standards or they are already married with children and believe they are stuck and they have to accept their husband's behavior.
I have been unmarried for 10 years.
I have dated so many men, varying in professions, from waiters making $2 + tips, to very wealthy men who own businesses and properties, electricians, engineers, to the blue collar factory worker, and many in between. All varying ages: 44 like me to 20 something, 30 something and one who was a few months shy of being 60. It is always the same old story, though. He says all the right things, treats me well. Well at least for the first 3-4 months, then all of a sudden, BAM! A new man emerges and he is NOTHING like the guy I had been dating the whole time. In other words, he takes off the mask that he has been wearing, usually because he now thinks he's "got" me. Like he believes that we are so far into our relationship, that I wouldn't dream of leaving now that I have so much time invested in it. It's like I made him up to be the man of my dreams, and when I found out that he was merely "him", I was disappointed.
How quickly ALL of them discovered, that, although I am super good at loving and caring and giving, I am also super good at letting go. If I feel I am not being treated well, I have no problem doing a 180° turn around. "That highway I drove in on, runs both ways. I remember my way home."
So, I wanted to tell you about my new approach to men. It must need a lot of tweaking, since men don't stick around very long, BUT I have been 100% satisfied after they leave because they aren't the kind of man I wanted anyway. (I think, maybe my biggest problem is attracting the wrong men, to begin with.)
Anyway, here is my strategy:
A man asks me out. I don't give him an answer right away. I think about it for a week or two. He contacts me again and we go out.
If he isn't a gentleman, by holding open doors and walking me to my front door after, then I just don't bother contacting him again. In the past I would and every man who did not display actions of a gentleman, lacked other must have qualities as well. So now, I just don't bother.
Second, I don't give up my kisses on the first date anymore. My kisses are reserved for men who aren't desperate for them. Men who aren't pushy. In addition, I don't get my hopes up very high anymore, thee are less disappointments that way. Also, I let him know right up front, that I am not looking for a "hook up", so if he is just looking for a "playmate" I am not his girl. I make it very clear, that I don't have time to waste on players, that I am looking for a relationship with substance. And I am not willing to have sex with anyone that I am not first, in love with. I tell them up front, that when I am in a relationship with a man, it is exclusive, I don't date anyone else and that I expect him to do the same.
I let him know that when I am in a relationship, my male friends are aware and they all know to respect the fact that the man I am seeing comes first.
And I expect the same consideration from the man I dating. Female friends are friends. But I need to be the Alpha female= I need to come FIRST. Just like he will come first in my life, before my male friends.
I won't be second to a female friend.
His mother, daughters, sisters are all on another level, but female friends have to take a back seat now that I am in his life. Just like my male friends will, out of my consideration for him. Usually with these two things, 1 -no sex till I am in love and 2-other women take second place to me, usually scare them off.
And I am usually glad that I didn't waste my time with them.
The last man I dated broke my heart, badly. It took me a year and a half to get over him. I had never experienced that before.
I am giving myself a break from dating. I have vowed to spend the rest of my 40's reading good self help books, not dating anyone, and become the best version of me that I can be. I have had to face many sadness/losses by myself. I always thought that I would surely have a mate to help see me through those difficult times, but as it turned out, I didn't. And I discovered that I was fine without a mate. I got through those times. And in the future, if I am alone through more hard times, now I know that I can do it.
My thing is, maybe I am too straight forward. Maybe there is a way that I can be less aggressive with the way that I explain my standards. Or maybe it is good that I am blunt. I waste less time that way. I don't know.
My daughter says that I will be single forever, because my standards are way too high. Some of my girlfriends agree with her, one says that I am doing right by keeping my standards high, that the right man will be able to reach them. I don't know. But I am sure of one thing, that at the end of the day, when I lay my head on my pillow, and there is no one else in my house with me besides my beloved pets. I am so very grateful that I am not laying next to another regret.
What are your thoughts?
Dear Jane,
First, I want to thank you, for all of your insight. Wow! I can't tell you how grateful I am to have found you!!
You have validated my feelings and you have given me my dignity back.
It's like,most my girlfriends don't understand where I am coming from because they either settle for men that don't meet their standards or they are already married with children and believe they are stuck and they have to accept their husband's behavior.
I have been unmarried for 10 years.
I have dated so many men, varying in professions, from waiters making $2 + tips, to very wealthy men who own businesses and properties, electricians, engineers, to the blue collar factory worker, and many in between. All varying ages: 44 like me to 20 something, 30 something and one who was a few months shy of being 60. It is always the same old story, though. He says all the right things, treats me well. Well at least for the first 3-4 months, then all of a sudden, BAM! A new man emerges and he is NOTHING like the guy I had been dating the whole time. In other words, he takes off the mask that he has been wearing, usually because he now thinks he's "got" me. Like he believs that we are so far into are relationship, that I wouldn't dream of leaving, now that I have so much time invested in it. It's like I made him up to be the man of my dreams, and when I found out that he was merely "him", I was disappointed.
How quickly ALL of them discovered, that, although I am super good at loving and caring and giving, I am also super good at letting go. If I feel I am not being treated well, I have no problem doing a 180° turn around. "That highway I dtovecin on, runs both ways. I rememner my way home."
So, I wanted to tell you about my new approach to men. It must need a lot of tweaking, since men don't stick around very long, BUT I have been 100% satisfied after they leave because they aren't the kind of man I wanted anyway. I think my biggest problem is attracting the wrong men.
Anyway, here is my strategy:
A man asks me out. I don't give him an answer right away. I think about it for a week or two. He contacts me again and we go out.
If he isn't a gentleman, with holding open doors and walking me to my front door after, then I just don't bother contacting him again. In the past I would and every man who did not display actions of a gentleman, lacked other must have qualities as well. So now, I just don't bother.
Second, I don't give up my kisses on the first date anymore. My kisses are reserved for men who aren't desperate for them. Men who aren't pushy. In addition, I don't get my hopes up very high anymore. Also, I let him know right up front, that I am not looking for a "hook up", so if he is just looking for a "playmate" I am not his girl. I make it cleat, that I don't have time to waste on players, that I am looking for a relationship with substance. And I am not willing to have sex with anyone that I am not first, in love with. I tell them up front, that when I am in a relationship with a man, it is exclusive, I don't date anyone else and that I expect him to do the same.
I let him know that when I am in a relationship, my male friends are aware and they all know to respect the fact that the man I am seeing comes first.
And I expect the same consideration from the man I dating. Female friends are friends. But I need to be the Alpha female= I need to come FIRST. Just like he will come first in my life, before my male friends.
I won't be second to a female friend.
His mother, daughters, sisters are all on another level, but female friends have to take a back seat now that I am in his life. Just like my male friends will, out of my consideration for him. Usually with these two things, 1 -no sex till I am in love and 2-other women take second place to me, usually scare them off.
And I am usually glad that I didn't waste my time with them.
The last man I dated broke my heart, badly. It took me a year and a half to get over him. I had never experienced that before.
I am giving myself a break from dating. I have vowed to spend the rest of my 40's reading good self help books, not dating anyone, and become the best version of me that I can be. I have had to face many sadness/losses by myself. I always thought that I would surely have a mate to help see me through those difficult times, but as it turned out, I didn't. And I discovered that t I was fine without a mate. I got through those times. And in the future, if I am alone through more hard times, now I know that I can do it.
My thing is, maybe I too straight forward. Maybe there is a way that I can be less aggressive with the way that I explain my standards. Or maybe it is good that I am blunt. I waste less time that way.
My daughter says that I will be single forever, because my standards are way too high. Some of my girlfriends agree with her, one says that I am doing right by keeping my standards high, that the right man will be able to reach them. I don't know. But I am sure of one thing, that at the end of the day, when I lay my head on my pillow, and there is no one else in my house with me besides my beloved pets. I am so very grateful that I am not laying next to another regret.
What are your thoughts?
Wow. Lots of great comments here. I could write a book on this subject. The dating world can be a confusing one. Searching for that one can be hard and frustrating. Sometimes we'll get caught up with the wrong ones, sometimes we'll meet good ones but we may not like them, and one day, we'll meet someone who is just right for us.
Be patient with yourself. Trust yourself and allow yourself to grow.
You'll hear alot of the same stuff: Run, let him go, you can do better, love yourself, he's a jerk, blah blah...the list goes on and some of this is true.
We're all human dear. We all have flaws and we all have something to learn from this life. But the one thing I can tell you after I ran in circles for years in confusion, after I cried many tears frustrated that everyone around me had something I could never get, how my longing for someone consumed me and sent me in a deep, dark depression, how I met jerk after jerk after jerk after jerk who used me, abused me and took a little of my self worth away every time they ran away when I wanted more from them, that what what you seek in these guys, you first have to give to yourself, love and happiness.
I had to find what really made me happy, as a person. I started to do things that made me feel good, peaceful and worthy of God's love, things that made me love myself more. I refocused my life on the people who ALREADY loved me and I poured more time and effort into them and the return has been life changing.
I started working on my dreams. I got rid of the negative thoughts in my mind and I started to do things that I thought were beyond my reach. I opened my own business, I started a health journey to get myself back into shape, I started doing small self care things for myself, and I sit in the quiet and I work on changing my perspective and creating a balance in my mind, body and spirit.
This is life. Sometimes you'll go through things, sometimes you'll meet people who will hurt you, sometimes you'll meet people who make you smile, you'll meet people who inspire you, and you'll meet people who will take you down. But through all of that, there's one constant through all of life's changes, you.
Don't give too much time and effort to people who contribute so little to the bigger picture of your amazing life. Zoom out a little, see how insignificant this person is and deal with him accordingly. If you keep the bigger picture of your life in your mind, you'll easily weed out men who don't contribute to your bigger goal.
I said I wanted a husband, children, stable household and happiness. After years of searching and settling, I really started to BELIEVE that it is possible and KNOW that I deserve it.
And almost out of nowhere, I met a guy who also wanted all of those things. I did not have to tell him a thing. I did not have to ask for anything, I did not have to beg him to text or call me or come to see me. He couldn't wait to do those thing! He was not running away, he was making plans for me in his future. He's patient, and kind and is an amazing individual who never makes me confused about how he feels or what he wants. Although I've been a little apprehensive because of how badly I was hurt in the last situation, he's understanding and allows me to grow and learn with him.
So dear, I apologize for the book, but I want you to just wake up every day and choose to be happy.
Know that some days you will be sad and you'll think about the hard times. But you'll also smile for no reason because happiness and real love come from within.
God bless you!
If you could only know how hopeful your words have just made me feel, Wise Chica, than words THANK YOU would have their true meaning!
Anytime dear!
It's so inspiring to walk through this journey with you, Wise Chica. I'm so very happy for you. Thank you for sharing - and inspiring us all!
Boy, I can sure relate to "A" in the They're Just Friends article.
I recently ended it with a guy after 3 months because he just wasn't sure where his feelings were leading him and... "I asked myself if I can live without you, and I can't say 'No.' " Well this told me more about him then all the sweet talk I'd heard for 3 months. So I decided to let him live without me. The smartest thing I could have done.
It has been a rough 3 weeks since the break up, but I am finally coming through the fog. I told him I know my worth and I am worthy of a man being able to NO to that all-important question.
So is "A".
If they can't see our worth...then they are not worthy of us.
Dana
5 weeks ago last friday my "great guy"I've know 9 years and dated for 1year said when asked that he just wanted to be friends. He still calls all the time by the way and he ate breakfast with my dad and me last sat am.. What did I do? I lost 22 pounds in 4 weeks for a total of 51lbs. this year. Just don't eat anything white and watch your portions. I bought a skinny black dress with a couple of great beaded necklaces and stopped by his shop last sat after we ate breakfast but before lunch... to pick up a business card he needed to give me. I told him I was late for lunch and couldn't stay and he laughed at me. I asked him if he was laughing at me and he said no I said sure you are but its okay I'm going to have fun anyway and I left. He called me at 8:30 that evening to explain that he wasn't laughing at me but that I looked amazing! I said that's me I'm amazing. I said I'm trying to look nice so I can find my great guy and that I had to go since I was already out. He said sorry to interrupt the 2 of you. I told him it was no problem and to have a great night! I then hung up. And I did have a great time with a girl friend that said I wouldn't meet my great guy at my house that I needed to get out. I looked great, felt great and had fun! As someone once said you'll have to kiss alot of hogs, dogs and frogs to find mr. right. My advice is don't spend one single, extra second thinking of that guy when you could be out there having fun. Do what you need to do to get "yourself" in order and then go show it off! So have only good positive thoughts, push the negative ones out and hang on for the ride. It's a big World out there. Go have fun!
And sometimes when your in a relationship, they will pull away as things get intense...they take time and space to process, however, since they are men and not always great communicators, they dont know how to say that, so be on the lookout for that as a reason the rubber band may also pull back....again, if what you have is real and special, they will bounce back...just dont wait for them
Hmmm, lots of great responses here. I also think at your age, men are also a bit uncertain about themselves and what they want. While this guy is older, he is probably not more mature necessarily.
The rubber band advice someone gave me probably is especially relevant here. Men are like rubber bands, sometimes they pull away, but if there really is a connection, they will bounce right back. While they pull away, for whatever reason whether its work, other women, its your job to focus on you and what you need, so when they do bounce back, you can decide if he is still worth your time, and if his actions align with his words. Something to keep in mind as you go through your 20s. Men in their mid-late 30s have a much better idea of themselves and what they want or need in a partner, so if they arent crazily pursuing you then they aren't that into you. A few things to think about
Reading this reminded me of an ex who I dated for 4 years. He moved country to be with me and seemed sincere and devoted at first. After about 3 months in I realised he seemed to have a lot of female friends, mostly on Facebook and other social media. He would say they were just friends but it made me feel a little worried when I discovered one or two friends were ex girlfriends. I remember trying to talk to him about it and he would reassure me at first, saying that they were just platonic friends. Well I wanted to believe him, but over time discovered that these friends and he were exchanging flirtatious messages on FB. This occurred a good year and a half after we had started living together and by this point I felt out of my depth as I had fallen for me and didn't want the relationship to end. I stuck with it, feeling sad and insecure for the most of it, and the final crunch came when I discovered he had been on dating site. Also, he had developed close friendships closer to home, i.e. a female neighbour who again openly flirted with him. Its easy to be angry with the women however in hindsight I can see that he was encouraging the attention. So in essence any woman who experiences their boyfriend's need to have lots of female friends, see it as a red flag, and try and address early on, before you get your heart broken.
Absolitely agree with Jane. And let me just add to it that exclusivity sucks. Exclusivity is boring and unsafe. Sure you can ask that guy you've met a month ago to be exclusive, because he looks soooo perfect. But are you setiously ready to give up all your long-term male friends for a stranger you just recently met? If this is what you want to do, chill down and think rationally. You think he is perfect, but reality is you just do not know him enough yet. Even if it is true that he is all wonderful and charming like that fairy tale Prince you've been dreaming of, you still just do not have that strong bond with him yet. It can only come with time and shared experience. You still do not know if he can give you what you need and if you can provide what he is looking for. So loosen up a bit at the beginning. Jelousy always works against you. You probably want your guy to love you because he knows you are the best woman for him, not because you are the only woman he is allowed to date.
Hi this guy really is in a casual phase checking out all of his options, he may not want to get into anything serious with anyone at this stage. He is not on the same page as you I believe you would like to b in a relationship. His actions speak louder than words. By 3 months it's a pretty good indication for a man or woman how things are going in a friendship/relationship and from what you are saying this guy doesn't sound like he will commit. The right guy for u will and it won't be a guessing game. As Jane said society has changed for many this is quite acceptable behaviour. However this is more about you and what you want for your life and a potential relationship. I would walk away. This guy is playing a game he is enjoying. Why let his actions get to you. You are worth so much more. If you like someone it's not easy to let go as in your heart their is an expectation as to how you would like things to go. Pardon the cliché expression but " there are plenty of fish in the sea" and this guy is one of many! You need to be clear about what you want for your life. Write It Down. Think about the type of relationship you would like. Once you have a clear idea of ideals/goals and your worth you won't settle for less ever.
Hi A,
I haven't replied to many posts in a very long time due to a personal tragedy I've had to manage over the past few months. But having worked with Jane for just shy of a year I can tell you that what she says is absolutely true.
Don't be the victim and learn to trust your gut instincts. If you search her blog, look for her post on "the spark," as what you are describing, the feelings you have when you're around this person, make you believe that because you're feeling this "spark" he must indeed be the right person. Instead, what you ought to be looking for are whether or not his actions match what he is telling in response to your inquiries about whether or not the two of you truly are on the same page as one another. If you're on the same page but his actions do not reflect what he is telling him, and I'm sure many of the women will have said this already, then you should probably move on and until you do meet somebody is not only on the same as you with respect to what you want, where you'd like your relationship to go and where you would like to find yourself at the end of all of this dating. Then only then can you start to see if his actions match his words and that the two of you are truly compatible with one another in all the ways that will matter the most to YOU. Not him, YOU. You're the one doing the choosing, and as such, you should never ever let the spark mislead you into making a decision that is not in your best interest.
There is much much more I could go rambling on about, but I'm 49 going on 50 next January and I truly met the woman of my life last year and we were together for about 10 months until we truly realized that we were each the ones for one another and that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together.
I cannot tell you how many dates I'd been on, wanting and hoping that the woman I was with at the time was going to be the one I'd be spending my time with, but only with time and patience (and a fair amount of rejection--something none of us as humans like which is why we don't want to sometimes face the truth of the matter which is choosing not to be with somebody when we really want to be in a relationship) I did have the fortune of meeting that I loved more than anything else.
So as easy as it is for me and other to say don't despair, you should really give it time and not rush it. In the meantime, read her past blogs on "the spark," dating (dating for you is to get better clarity on what you want if you don't already know, making new friends, keeping yourself busy by not being so available when you do meet somebody (if they truly want to be with you they will re-arrange their schedules to be with you) and how to forgive yourself if you do slip up along the way--afterall, you're only human.
Eric
What can I say, Eric, except thank you. Your words and the way you've put these concepts speak to so many of the themes that come up in dating. When you've been there, you understand so well. Yes, after all, we're all only human. And discovering whether our particular type of human is compatible with another type of human is what dating as a real human being is all about. Thank you. Your contribution here is invaluable.
So what if he is not showing you a clear answer for where he wants to go with the relationship after a year? Can you then start opening your options again and how do we do that? I'm not ready to know for sure but I don't want to spin my wheels in one place while he decides on and off. He is scared and I'm not wanting to waste time as I'm getting older and have been divorced and want that second chance at life but I don't want to throw anything away prematurely.
You start with you, Kate. At any time, at any stage. What does it look like for you to choose you and focus on you instead of him and what he's doing or not doing with you? Do that. You can absolutely be loving to him while loving to yourself at the same time! The key is navigating that fine line of boundaries in a way that you can live with. That's where you'll find out about real love.
I was absolutely absolutely in the same position recently, excepting I did not confront my male interest. I walked away. I felt there was nothing left to say. That's the advantage you have, you are upfront, telling it like it is. In any event, if I had to make a prediction, our end results should be the same. I'm saying that as a friend and going through the exact same experience.
As Jane said.."back up". As Madonna said "second best is never enough, you'll do much better baby on your own". Second place sucks. Absolutely date him, if that's what you want, but remind yourself this is casual situation. Period. This guy has made that clear in action. You don't want your heart stomped on. Mine was when I saw the pics of my guy interest and another female. It sucked. We don't want that for ourselves, cause we rock!!! Keep the lines of communication open as you're doing, but remember this is an open relationship ATM..and don't believe anything else unless you are both agreeing to it. Especially him.
Good luck GF, I'm pulling for ya.
Beautifully said, TM. Thank you for your words for A.
Hello.... A get out of that while u can it never turns out good been there before....l have been knowing this guy 20yrs and I still got blinded....You are still young just date and enjoy life I wish I could go back everyday but u still can go have fun....
Thank you for your words for A. It sounds like you understand all too well what she's going through. And for you, today is always a new day, Grovecia. You deserve to live that life you long to have back now, not just in your wishing it to be!
We so do not want to hear, so do not want to see... We so want it to be HIM. He is our chance, from the start. Even if he says it in words, or in actions (or, absence of them...), we still wait, hope it will change with time. I often recall on his words, somewhere at beginning of our relationship: he gives no guarantees, he does not know what he wants... I kind of went confused and deaf on this huge sign - I thought, well, it's only the beginning.
Almost four years later, came our second breakup, the final one. He still was not sure what he wants, and I got too confused by his confusion. You either are, or you are not...you either go forward, or you need to change your path.
And I am still amazed on how vainly hopful I was - if I had only listen to him then and moved on. Still, I think I needed this path, too. I have changed during. I am here, and each story feels so close to me, like a reminder, like a lesson, like understanding and accepting.
Your story could have been so many of our own, SB, it seems so much worse at the time to see! Thanks for allowing us to walk through this with you, it helps so much to be loved and supported and understood in our own unique way of being ready to see what is always there for us to see. You're in beautiful company here!
SB
That's my same exact story. Mine was 5 years and 3 breakups. He would beg. tell me he "loves me". I'd get back together with him. He'd "keep up" for a few weeks and then he would be him again. Then I would leave. I finally left for the last time almost 2 years ago. This time I blocked him and cut off all contact. I changed jobs and moved. Done. But when I look back at all the crap I put up with him just hoping he would one day wake up and realize what a FANTASTIC catch I was I get so embarrassed at myself. I ask myself how could I have been that person. I mean why did I feel like I had to prove anything to him. He did not feel the need to prove anything to me. He was doing what he wanted and had me too. The same words he'd always said that I did not hear. "I can't give you what you want" "I don't want a relationship" But then when I would leave it would be "I love you more than you can ever know" "I am committed to you" But the moment I stepped back and stop listening to the garbage he was trying to feed me and watched his actions I saw him for who he really was. I was angry and hurt but I could not blame him. He told me. I chose to hang on to what ever he was selling me.
I learnt from that experience. I met another dude that told me the same thing. I talked to him and then he was like what are we going to do now since we don't want the same thing. I said NOTHING. He offered friendship. Told him I had enough friends and moved on to the next. WOW. I shared it here with Jane. It felt so good to do that. The guy could not believe it. The truth is as women when we love our selves we start to learn how to take care of us and say no to men that cannot meet our needs no matter how much the feel like they are "the one". We set boundaries when we love our selves and won't allow anyone to treat us bad.
"Wow" is right, Princess! No wonder that felt so good - and no wonder he couldn't believe it. Be so proud of yourself for getting here - your truth is so beautifully telling!
Thank you, Princess, thank you Jane, and all the others sharing their stories here! This is so comforting (looking back) and - even more important, so helpful for looking forward to the future - with hope and wisdom. I am amazed how so many of us (mainly women, in all the colors, ages, sizes...) do this to ourselves - it's almost genetic!
It can easily happen that the next will be a "dude" of the same kind as my ex. Will I listen - have I learned? This is why sharing here is so valuable - not just to get over the past, but to make a better future for yourself, day by day!
Yessssssssssssssssssssss!!!! So true dear. Congratulations on your new found freedom.
So many times we think men have all the power but really we have just as much as they do. As Jane says, put yourself in the driver's seat instead of looking to him to decide things and that is when your dating life really takes off. I have found that you can tell a man's intention within the first two months if you just watch his actions and to a lesser extent listen to his words. You'll know whether or not he wants an exclusive relationship, or a casual sexual relationship or no relationship at all. You just have to be willing to accept whatever his actions tell you. If you find yourself spending a lot of time thinking about it and you don't know, just ask him.
Also one month is still really early, the first 3 months you are just getting to know someone, you don't know at that stage whether or not they are the right person for you. I think it's a good rule of thumb to date someone for a couple of months while keeping your options open before deciding whether or not YOU want to be exclusive with THEM.
Exactly, Sallysue! Thank you for your words for A here. It's that acceptance of what we're being shown that's so often the hardest part of all.
I think that's a good point. Tell him upfront that you are looking for an exclusive dating experience for the purpose of building a relationship and find out from the beginning if that is what they are also looking for. They can still be lying to themselves even and say that they are but as time goes by keep doing checkpoints to see if they are emotionally available. That's where my problem KMan is the guy never dealt with and got rid of his past hurts and brought them into our relationship which has almost destroyed us. I say almost because I still have hope that it will turn around.
Exactly, Cheri. His actions will always reveal the truth of who he is and what he's capable of - and what he's not. Don't take whether he's able to turn this around personally, if he can't, it only speaks to what he wasn't capable of and not what you were enough for.
Yes, Jane's advice is timely and true. I had the mindset that I should only date one man at a time; the operative word here is should. I see things differently now thanks to Jane's program.
I have a male friend who has told me straight out from he beginning that he doesn't want a relationship; he's looking for friendship only. We have a lot in common and get along really well, but I finally get it that we are not on the same page concerning having a romantic relationship.
I thanked him for telling me the truth to the best of his ability; and that I am listening to what he is telling me. I am free to be friends with him, but I am open to meeting and dating other men.
This friendship is teaching me to really listen to what a man is telling me. I'm sure this will help me when I'm dating other men too. I had a tendency to give my heart away too soon. Jane's program has taught me how to do things differently so I can attract a healthy and happy love relationship.
I wish you well and pray that you will get clarity so you are able to choose for yourself what you truly want and need in a relationship, and not settle for anything less.
I do too, I gave my heart way too soon for his comfort level and he started running.
Because we're human, Cheri. And now we all know more. 🙂
Thank you for sharing, Anne-Marie. I'm so excited my program has helped you to see things differently now, in a way that supports you! It can be all too easy to miss those words that tell us so much about the reality of what actually is, when we so want to believe in the potential only we can see. You are indeed free!
Love your advice! I also think it's important to tell him your needs and what you are looking for without asking him for anything. If he wants you he will go above and beyond to make sure he fits the bill. Meanwhile keep dating so 1. He knows YOUR options are open and endless and he can't sit back and take his time and 2. You DO have options so when one guy doesn't work out you are still moving forward and the heartbreak is not so bad as when you've counted solely on him
Exactly! You have options too. He is not the only one out there. It does not matter how nice, sweet or whatever he is. The bottom line is he is NOT meeting your needs. Tell him what YOU want. Forget what he wants. Its what YOU want that matters to YOU. He wants to have his cake and eat it too.
Thank you, Princess. No matter how much it may feel like he is, he is never ever the only one out there! Only in our own minds, with the story we've chosen to believe.
You've summed this up so succinctly, Sue; I couldn't agree more. Thank you for adding your perspective to the conversation!
I'm actually in the same situation myself only that I and the guy were dating exclusively for 1 year and then he had to relocate 900 miles away and for the next year we communicated & visited with each other because he needed me, and am the only one that has met his parents. Now for the past 6 months communication has slacked off & he even told me that he's been with other women "it just happened" but he doesn't love them and only loves me. So I too don't know what to say for "A" or myself because I'm just as confused because he at first told me he wanted to settle down & I'm willing to relocate next year, but it seems he no longer is ready for a commitment. ... confused heart!
Run!
We're only confused because we want so much to believe it can be what it was before, Tiffany. But here is where you are right now, not living in the past. "It just happened" are the words spoken by someone who chose to just let it happen, regardless of what other story he's choosing to tell himself - and you. Ask yourself if who he is now is enough for you - and if it is, then accept that this is who he is and this is what you can expect from him. But if you can't live with these terms - his terms - then find out why you want to, why you're content to be with someone who can choose someone else even as he tells you he "only loves me". This isn't how you show you love someone. Is it what you would do? Remember that it's someone's actions that always say so much more than words ever will.
It is not what I would do nor is it the way I would express my Love for someone. Thank you Jane for helping me understand it a little more.
You are wonderful!
Hi A!
I sense some sort of fear on your part when you ask if you have the right to ask for exclusivity or when you say you don't want to scare him of. As Jane says, when we're afraid of these things, it's because we're putting him on a pedestal and his needs above our own. That in and of itself is a huge red flag for you. Think clearly about why you're afraid. If you're not sure where you stand, it's because he's not stepping up. It's time for you to have a little chat with him in a light, mature, healthy fashion to tell him what you're really looking for and what you need and then you just listen to how he responds. When he says things, really listen to what he says and if he says all the right things, contrast that with his actions. Words are easy to say. Now, if he says he's not ready or he wants something different from what you want, please believe him and choose yourself. He's just telling you what you need to know before you're in over your head with emotions.
I agree with Jane when she says we need to get to know a person before we jump in. It's OK for you to really stand in your power and in your own body and decide if things work for you or not, regardless of what he may say or want.
Always trust your intuition when it's telling you something is off.
Time and a man's actions will always tell you if he's right or not for you.
Go easy on yourself and just know that if he doesn't want the same things you want with you or if he's not compatible with you, it doesn't mean anything, it just means he's not your guy and you can peacefully move on.
Your feelings and wishes matter. They matter to yourself the most. Honor yourself.
Good luck.
Such telling words, Angel. Thank you.