You’re calling him strong, and yourself weak.
You’re looking at him as being so strong that he can walk away as easily as he does, and then yourself as weak for not being able to do the same. You think he’s strong. You think of yourself as weak.
Because you need him. And he doesn’t need you.
So you equate that with your being the needy one, the weak one who needs someone.
And the ones who don’t need anyone, you call them strong.
But what if you’re the strong one for giving love a chance? What if you’re the strong one because you can’t just pack up your feelings and walk away? What if you’ve got this all backwards?
What if he’s really the weak one because he can’t make up his mind, doesn’t know what he wants, and hasn’t got it in him to go deeper within himself to find out?
What if you're actually strong?
Because you can admit what you want. And if you don’t, you’re on your way to finding out.
And he can’t.
Strong.
Because you can refuse to settle for less than you deserve.
But still be willing to acknowledge the pain and hurt.
Strong.
Because it’s you who’s willing to stay and stay and stay and try to work things out.
But he’s the first to walk away.
Strong.
Because you’re here.
And he’s nowhere to be found.
Strong.
Because you know you need help.
Yet he’s the last one to admit he might need help, too.
So who has it backward?
Is it really you?
Could it be that it’s your programming? Could it be that all you’ve ever heard, all you’ve ever known is that you’re strong if you don’t need anyone else but you?
But could it be that this message you received was only someone else’s misinformed version of the same thing that was passed on to them? Could it be that you might know better than them?
Me, strong? You say.
“Even if I don’t want to be alone?”
“Even if I want a man in my life – and love, and marriage, and a family – the whole package?”
Yes, you.
Exactly that kind of strong.
Strong enough to stand up and admit to yourself – and the world – your heart’s desire.
Strong enough to not be ashamed to admit it.
Strong enough to see your strength in knowing what you want.
Stronger that you ever allow yourself to feel.
Stronger than you ever allow yourself to believe.
That’s the truth, not someone else’s story that’s become your own.
It’s not surprising you see it this way, with all the positive reinforcement you received when you were so strong, so independent, so not needy. It was only that it made life so much easier for them when you behaved that way, and not because it was of any benefit to you.
The more sensitive you were to those messages, the more this strong, independent, self-sufficient side became ingrained in you.
The more it became you.
But it’s not you. It’s yet another story from someone else’s book of dreams.
You’re the one waking up; they’re the ones still sleeping.
I’d love to hear your thoughts around this subject. What does it mean to be strong to you? Share your thoughts with us in the comments so we can all get clear on this one together!
this resonates to me Jane, been on a roller coaster of " pseudo relationship " with a man that doesnt know what he wants and wont commit but wont let me go. I gave him a lot of chances , over and over bec i was blinded by the potential.
Till last week when i found he was planning a vacation with his ex lover and will drive hundred of miles away just to see her.. From there came an epiphany that he will never change despite of what he was telling me. After crying my eyes out and two close friends who listen to all my vents i finally decided enough is enough. I blocked his number on my phone , i dont want to hear his excuses , i dont want to see him.
Nothings gonna change, he will do whatever he wants to do bec he was entitled to see or meet anyone he wants..
I will be wasting my time with someone who is selfish , everything is all about him.. I wish them luck together , shes just one of his ex lovers that hes in touch with, theyre are alot of them that he communicates thru social media, text and i dont know.. besides hes still on a prowl on two dating site.
I am glad i was able to pull the plug. and i hope that i can continue this because i deserved a man who appreciates and knows my worth. It will be a tough week for now but i know in my heart i will survived this bec i am strong enough to love again , and know what i want.. then now... stronger bec i finally let him go.
this resonates to me Jane, been on a roller coaster of " pseudo relationship " with a man that doesnt know what he wants and wont commit but wont let me go. I gave him a lot of chances , over and over bec i was blinded by the potential.
Till last week when i found he was planning a vacation with his ex lover and will drive hundred of miles away just to see her.. From there came an epiphany that he will never change despite of what he was telling me. After crying my eyes out and two close friends who listen to all my vents i finally decided enough is enough. I blocked his number on my phone , i dont want to hear his excuses , i dont want to see him.
Nothings gonna change, he will do whatever he wants to do bec he was entitled to see or meet anyone he wants..
I will be wasting my time with someone who is selfish , everything is all about him.. I wish them luck together , shes just one of his ex lovers that hes in touch with, theyre are alot of them that he communicates thru social media, text and i dont know.. besides hes still on a prowl on two dating site.
I am glad i was able to pull the plug. and i hope that i can continue this because i deserved a man who appreciates and knows my worth. It will be a tough week for now but i know in my heart i will survived this bec i am strong enough to love again , and know what i want.. then now... stronger bec i finally let him go.
I read somewhere that being strong was staying sensitive and open in a world like this. I started seeing strength differently when I read it. It made a lot of sense to me, and then I traced my concept of strength back to my early days. People around me disliked my sensitivity, they disliked my naivety, they criticized till I just chose to build a wall around me. I'm still a sensitive girl that somehow feels as if I had been in survival mode all my life without even knowing. Self preservation became my principle and way of life. I am being compassionate towards myself now instead of berating me because I'm not the way I thought I was supposed to be; I figured with all this reading I had to start somewhere and it wasn't going to be relying on others. Enough harshness and damage.
I still struggle letting people in... Not that I recognize anyone trying to get to know me, but that's ok I think. It's rather sad that the older I become, the tougher it is to spot people who don't fear getting close. I'm trying to lead by example, but I know it'll take a long time till I can be open entirely. Still baby steps.
I feel tired of being strong anyway. Just thinking about "being strong" the way everyone means it around me makes me want to retreat.
Jane,
Thank you so much for this post! This is one of my favorites from you. This is so true...especially to anyone who struggles with anxiety and depression. Often feeling weak when expressing emotion since society always tells us not to. Thank you for this. I will be printing it for my wall. Thank you.
Thank you for your kind words, Sharon. I'm so glad this one spoke so much to you! Love the idea of hanging it on your wall; we all need these reminders, regardless of who or what it's about. 🙂
My life experiences helped me become who I am today, a strong woman. I've had my share of unhealthy relationships, I don't want any more.
For me, being a strong woman, means that I care enough about myself that I know my worth, what I deserve and that I'll not settle for anything less. This may mean that I'll have to be alone for awhile. So be it, I'll invest this time in having a healthy relationship with myself first. I can love my life whether I have a man in it or not. Life is just too short and I want my remaining years to be the best ones yet.
Love the way you said this, Anne-Marie. You've captured the difference between being alone and being lonely in a most beautiful way.
Hi Jane,
Your posts are always so validating. We are always feeling lesser than because we aren't like "Sasha Fierce". Some of us are just very sensitive and on top of it, there are those like me who have serious abandonment issues from our childhood and we struggle harder and longer when we are left by the men we choose to love. People will shame you for not not moving on and being strong and it's difficult to feel judged on top of having a broken heart. I appreciate your work and empathy. It's very soothing and helpful.
So true, Teresa. Thank you for your beautiful words. It's so nice to hear from you. It's our sensitivity that's our greatest asset regardless of what the world may have to say. Let it show you who's real, who's not, who has no place in your life, and who we can choose to let stay. Don't lose sight of that beautiful woman within you. If he could, he would. But it's not your fault that he can't. We need more places that soothe and fewer places that judge and shame. Not the least of which begins with our own minds.
Jane,
I could not pass up the chance to say that your message stirred my soul. You have a gift, truly. What a blessing you are to women. Your guidence is so valuable and needed to guide women back to a place of being whole again. I am still with 'him' but I have made giant leaps of progression. I knew I needed self- sufficiency so step by step and prayer by prayer I have created my own business and I open on Aug 1st (my birthday) so I will always remember. I am very excited to move back to my own sense of self-worth. 8 years and no commitment, so long over due but as you stated, I am the one who has been strong all along until now; I have no strength left to hold on any longer and it feels good to let go.
Blessings,
Suzie
oh thank you, Suzie. Your words are beautiful! I may plant the seeds, but it's you who takes them and runs - no, flies - with them! 🙂 I'm so excited to hear of your new business. How exciting! I wish you all the best and happy birthday too! You are the strong one here - stronger than you even know. This journey is about so much more than simply leaving or staying, it's about choosing - and recognizing what you need. May "is this working for me?" become our go-to question whenever we find ourselves in doubt, afraid, or unsure of what to do. Deep down, you always know.
Dear Jane
Learning to be strong was one of the most difficult things I had to learn. I remember when I was younger I used to think I needed a guy in my life to make me happy, and I would let guys treat me like dirt. As I got older I finally started to wise up, and I started to learn the warning signs of guys who were as my friends and I like to call them the guys that are "rotten apples." Just by doing that, I've become a stronger happier young woman, and I realized that I don't need a guy to a make me happy.
Such a simple thing, Alysha, but it makes all the difference in the world! Thank you for sharing this. It matters so much. Learning what to look for. Noticing even when we don't want to. And absolutely becoming so much stronger, so much happier in the process! Beautiful!
Yes! I was a late bloomer in the dating game and I'm just learning these things now. When I see the warning signs, no matter how much I like the guy or how cute he is, I bolt in the other direction.
The pain you suffer through the bad times is a gift. It helps you know how to avoid situations that are not good for you.
Now I just enjoy curling up with a good book, doing work, making money, hanging out with my family and friends and people who love and respect me.
These guys, some of them, just don't have respect for women at all and don't care about your feelings. I refuse to allow any of them to take me down like the last one did.
Always a gift, WiseChick. You've got this.
I was with my bf 1 1/2 yrs ......he was a classic disappearing man . We lived an hour 1/2 away from each other. We would see each other on the weekends .......he asked me to marry him i was so happy he swore he would never disappear again......one night we got really drunk and got in a bad fight &
He ended up in jail for 4 days ......we reunited when he got out i thought we were good as we talked about it,,,,,,2 weeks later i saw his phone. He was contacting 2 other women trying to hook up! I was crushed but we talked & thought we worked thru it.......2 weeks later i could feel it coming & so i iniated the "talk" sure enough he said he didnt feel the same about me & we broke up........i am so depressed
Honey,
Thank the Lord he is gone! He sounded like a nightmare on a stick. If he disappears, it's normally because they are juggling different women. He would have just taken you down more. Sometimes when they leave, we think we've lost something. It's like getting rid of cancer. The process of getting rid of it is painful, but once it's gone, we have new life! Be thankful this idiot showed you who he really was before you got in too deeply and married him or had kids by him. Imagine a life with him. Is it worth it. Heck no!
Yes I am not ashamed to say i am open for meeting new people and for love.
It "he" will not fall from the sky... My eyes and heart has to have the space & has to see the beauty in nature, humans and animals.. The space.
I was afraid to say , I did not have the desire for kids. But since like a half year I have. Looking at couples who have kids is something magical and true happiness.
I hope I will meet my future man soon and start a family on our own! My heart is open for it, and I have space in my life. And I have worked these past years, now I am 29.
Only my main thing is to not feel scares when dating goes not as it should. To keep staying strong, as said in the article.
Keep believing in your vision and be open, to not become cynical or bitter about love. To not feel stressed because I am already 29!
Verry nice article! Inspiring!
Bless you Jane, little angel!
Thank you, Maris. Keep it light. Keep it simple. Dating will go as it is meant to go for you, no matter how much it feels like it isn't. It may not feel like it "should", but when you look back years from now, it will all make perfect sense! Remember the whole point of dating; we all need these reminders along the way. 🙂
I definitely do not feel like the strong when he has moved on so quickly after walking away as if I didn't exist and here I am still crying and missing him. Maybe it will finally soak in how strong I am and how weak and cowardly he is.
Remember who you are, Confused. You may not feel strong, you may not call your beautiful qualities strengths, but you are stronger than you realize, no matter how much you don't feel it now. Let your tears flow, allow your heart to grieve, in time you will!
I love what you say in this post. You are so right!!! I am a little different in that I had a great marrage and a man I loved beyond words andhe passed awa 12 years ago and I just can not find love again - I can not let mysef go so I keep attracting these men who do not know what they want or even how to communicate
So glad this resonated with exactly what you've discovered for yourself, Jeanette. Thank you. And I'm so sorry for your loss; I can only imagine how hard it's been for you.
Strong is walking away when hedoesn't show you the respect you deserve
Exactly!!
Jane my thoughts, I have been strong all of my life, but I have allowed different people in my life that tried to destroy who I am, to make me weak. It might have seem weak on the outside because of my reactions to different situations. What determines your strength is when all the smokes clears did it teach you something? This last relationship that I thought was the forever, was simply teaching me a lesson. The lesson was that just because a person has a doctrine degree, on the surface wealth (obtain money on the backs of others), and is in a leadership role does not give that person integrity, character, or morals. I will take a hard working man that has worked hard for his retirement, couldn't go to college because he had to take care of his mother and that is loyal, trustworthy and a MAN of his words any day!! Jane as you have repeated over and over again "No what YOU want because this all about YOU" All of this is LIFE!! We live and learn!! Take what you have learned and apply it and see what happens. LIVE!! LOVE!! LAUGH!!!
"Did it teach you something?" Always a great question to ask, RealDavis, and then to find your strength in your answer. Listen, watch, observe - and always be willing to see what's right in front of you. You've got this!
Maybe our making strength or weakness an explanation for how we react is fraught with peril. But as Jane so well points out, there are different ways of looking at this issue, and knowing that it is not the strength of others that makes them better then us, rather it is just how they choose to define strength or act it out. We can choose differently. And should.
Regardless. Callous and cold is not strength. It is a weakness. A reaction to fear
Hey,
I'm not sure if this will reply to Wayne's comment but i want to reply anyway. I have become cold due to the many bad breakups with guys who were less than deserving of me (i know this now thanks to Jane) and became especially so after the last guy i dated for 6 months decided to tell me he had old issues with his ex gf. The third guy in a row. Consecutively! It was the final straw i think. I do recognize that i have become cold so i'm taking a long time off from dating to find myself again. It was through Jane that i was able to find peace at being single and "alone", but i did not choose to become cold or maybe i did subconsciously but i do not think that it is always a case of weakness, maybe bad choices because i am not blaming the other person alone i am at fault as well that make us cold on some level and we are not able to give ourselves the way we used too
So glad you've found your peace with being "single and "alone", Shinelle. It doesn't have to be lonely! Be so proud of yourself for finding the strength to be you instead of what these experiences could have led you to believe you "should" be. That's where your strength shows - in being true to yourself above all else!
I'm doing this to find my true self. I was so used to changing for every relationship its like i don't know the true me. Since the age of 16 I've been dating and only been single for 1 whole year out of that period (i'm 26 now). I don't know who i am, truly. I think all i am right now is a sum of all the personalities that i have portrayed through my dating career lol. Either way my greatest desire is to find my true self and even though i have people who do not truly understand what i desire because all they see is me set in my ways and do not understand that i wish to hold on to any part of me that i discover for fear of losing my self in another man again. It's making me slowly bitter every time to constantly have to change to be with someone. I am looking forward to reading some of your articles on self discovery if there is any. I'm at work now so i'll search later
You're on such the right track, Shinelle. Your words could have been my own at a similar time in my life. Oh the damage we do to ourselves when we only know how to change for whoever we happen to be with at any given time! Most of us don't even realizing this is what we're doing. This echoes what so many of us struggle with - and what I'm especially passionate about bringing to the forefront of this quest for true love. It's this very piece of the puzzle that holds the key to our answers and leads us in a different way to the only place where we find love worth finding; first within ourselves, then with someone else. Someone truly worthy of you! That you're here at all is huge, Shinelle. It's the beginning of intuitively finding your way to what is going to be soul-stirring, life-changing for you. When we're ready, we start noticing things we never noticed before, and begin to find the ones who will support us in our journey and show us how to discover the answers already within ourselves. No matter who you are or how you got here! 🙂
Exactly, Wayne. It's time we make this distinction for ourselves - and see what we offer, what we give, what we have in our heart of hearts, for what it is - a beautiful strength. And never something to hide!
2 years ago i was a shy adding my crush on FB n talking to him. i told him i was shy n he said "don't be shy, if u msg me i will reply as soon i can" via FB. i saw him 2x in Sep 2013. i was shy to talk to him n he did the talking. In Oct i wanted to see him for a 3rd time but he postponed 7x coz of work commitments cos he works as a window cleaner for businesses
in Nov i was needy, clingy & obsessed with him. i kept asking the same old Q "When can we talk next, how was your day etc" 4 txts everyday. he didn't have time to organise time to talk coz he was flat out with work 6am - 3pm in the afternoon, sport, gigs & private 1s. there was times he was having a nap. there was times he would say "i just got home"
Dec 2013 i was complete obsessed with him n posted my obsession on FB n think that what scared him away. there was times he forgot. on 31/12/13 he unfriended me on fb n my heart raced thinking why did he unfriend me? did i do anything wrong etc. so i re-friended him in Jan 2014 n everytime i re-friended him on fb every 2 weeks i was the person who kept trying to re-friend him until he accepts it. then at the end of Jan 2014 n my mind said this friend requesting must stop, if i don't stop it he could block me. so i thought i don't want him to block me so i left him alone
i fb msg'd him n said can we be friends on fb n then he gave me a sad msg saying nothing happened to us, if i liked spongebob or domeo i would've spent time with them for 6 months n i want us to have a happy ending n said if u do get upset, please don't coz nothing happened to us, please don't reply if u do i won't answer. 4 Feb 2014 when i saw that msg on FB i cried thinking i wish he was my friend n friendships never ended. my friends comfort me n said to me in person "is that lucky my crush told me directly n not through others n got me a milkshake"
so from there onwards i gave him birthday greetings last year n i was shy giving him a msg with greetings n he wrote back "thanks...." i thought he would say something more than that. so i left him alone until Xmas came, gave him Xmas greetings n he read my msg but no greetings back
this year i found my crush on words with friends n he accepted the match n in the end i beated him n still didn't touch his FB until his birthday. on his birthday this year i was so shy giving him greetings n feeling guilty. so after sending him a msg n he read it n replied back at the end of the day which was suprising n said "thanks" i was like OMG has he changed? so i felt like my friendship is slowly coming back.
idk whether to add him on 10 sep like i did 2 years ago or in Dec when he's less busy n match on words with friends n part of me says he may not have time for a friendship but my heart says he will have time for it.
Then he knows you're interested in him, Courtney. Now it's his turn to show you if he is by his own actions. It's easy enough for him to accept an invitation on Facebook; giving you something real and concrete to show his interest is what will tell you everything you need to know. You deserve something real!
I know I'm strong just annoying knowing what you want from life and then someone walks in and you know what they have to offer and then they back away...and they say your the special someone but want you to have more than they can offer without asking you and they are worth the shot if he would just let me in...I get scared of feelings just like he does that's life and sometimes you got to take that chance
And that's the difference that tells you everything you need to know, Emma! You can't be the only one willing to take that chance - "if" he would just let you in. Exactly! It has to come from him.