Does he ever get past this?
This not committing, but not ending things either.
This limbo.
This one foot in your world, and one foot in another. This leaving you hanging, without a crystal ball.
Will he? Or Won’t he?
And what we most want to know; is it worth waiting it out?
In a word? No.
Because when we go into waiting mode, we miss out on so much of our lives. But the answer you’re really looking for can only be answered with both a yes, and a no.
You see, even though he may move in with someone, even though he may even get engaged, and maybe even married, there will always be a certain point where the commitment level gets too real for him.
So yes, he'll commit up to a point. After all, he's gone this far with you.
And at times when he's lonely or he looks around him and realizes he's not getting any younger and his friends still available to go out with him are becoming fewer than few, he'll resolve himself to committing just a little bit more next time.
Until that next time comes and it all gets all too real once again. So until then, yes, he’ll commit up to the level that he's comfortable with.
What that really means is more heartbreak for any one of us who wants more. Because we'll think we have him, we'll put all our eggs in one basket, we'll take ourselves off the market emotionally if not physically, all because of those little signs that give us hope.
But all that we'll really have done is delay the pain of coming face to face with the reality of what it means to love a man who hasn't faced his fears of commitment. After all, that's really what this all comes down to. Fear.
And if you find yourself finding these men again and again, look at your own definition of commitment.
What does it mean to you? You have to know what you want before it finds you, especially when you have such a pattern of finding the man who's afraid of commitment and having him find you.
Oh, he recognizes something in you all right. The woman in you who appears to be everything he's not.
But the irony is never lost when he changes you into the woman who forgets her own worth. The woman who loses herself in him because he suddenly triggers in her everything she's never questioned about love and being in a relationship with someone like him before.
You see, if you look closer, there's usually this other part of you that's choosing for someone else. That's picking someone based on what someone else will think, what you're supposed to want in a man, and what your life with a significant other, call him your boyfriend or fiancé or husband, is supposed to look like.
And here's where the irony begins.
Usually he had to work to get you to see him, much less to go out with him. But then when you finally succumbed, the real live relationship began and suddenly, he has no idea what he's gotten himself – or you, into.
He can't live with that. And so the pressure begins.
Ironically, the reason why he feels this pressure at all is because of his sensitive nature. This is where the little boy in him comes in. And it’s what draws you to him more than anything else.
It’s your chance to save him from himself, from his past, from his demons. It’s your opportunity to be everything that he’s ever wanted in a woman; your chance to be the one who can reach him, who can get through to him, like no one else before.
And it’s your chance to prove your worth.
See how that works? Both of you about to get what you want. It makes perfect sense to you.
Until it doesn’t work.
Until the reality of what that means, of how real this is getting begins to kick in, and he finds himself either slowly backing off, getting distant, or disappearing completely.
Is he worth waiting for? Only you can answer that.
Are you worth more than putting your life on hold waiting for him? That’s the other side to this.
It’s the other one only you know the answer to.
I have been with this man for 7 years. We have two kids aged 5 and 1. He just wont commit. I have been clear with what I want. But he is just not on the same page. He wants me to play the wife, yet he does not want marriage, at least not for now. He still wants to hold onto his single life of going out with friends and having fun all night long. And I take care of the kids. I feel like a single parent. He does not even assist me financially with any expenses related to his kids. Not because he does not afford. He just wont do it because I can afford. When I talk about the subject, he accuses me of wanting to run away from my problems and using his as my escape goat. Now I really hate him.
I needed this!!especially today. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years, we have a one year old son together and he recently moved in. However, he is becoming more distant and detached. I guess I pu all my eggs in one basket bu it's time for me to let go.
Is it ever okay to say to the guy..."I know at this point you are the man I would like to be would (my husband) of course not right now but eventually. If you don't see me as your wife then let's end this now?
If you're ready for whatever response you might get from him, Melissa. But if he can't answer such a question with a definitive answer, what then? A better way I'd recommend is to watch what he does with eyes open to seeing his true character over time while not putting all your eggs in one basket or losing yourself in him, and you'll find out everything you need to know. We always have our answer right there in front of us if we're open to seeing the reality of what is, instead of the potential or the fantasy we so want to hold onto.
ok so i have been dating my bf for 3 yrs I could say my College sweetheart we been through a lot but we at a point where we understand each othrr arguments are once in a while but they dont last for long. My prob Is we have talked bout the future and we want the same thing but whenever I talk about commitment he says he doesnt know when he will commit Its even heartbreaking cos we know in a Long distant relationship and we in diff continents i am always afraid he Is going to.break off thinx with me since he has already told me he doesnt want to.commit yet cos of schooll and all I am 22 n his 23.please help me am i rushing thinx or I should just wait for a little longer
Take your own power back, Thamy, by doing what you need to do for you. You always have the option of focusing on your own life, leaving him in that long distance emotionally as well, but if you're living in constant fear that he's going to break it off, that's your intuition's way of letting you know something needs to change. How you choose to change it is all about what you can live with - and what you can't.
I think that you can tell when a guy ready is to commit. If a guy tells you that he wants to be in a committed relationship, but he's still living his life like he's a single guy, then he's not ready and usually guys who have commitment issues (or just want to live the single life) don't come around and change their behavior. If a guy has commitment issues, it's better to just abandon ship and move onto a guy who is ready for a commitment.
You've said this so succinctly, Alysha. I couldn't agree more!
Hit the nail square on the head again, Jane. Love what your doing for women. 🙂
Thank you, Suzie. 🙂
"But all that we'll really have done is delay the pain of coming face to face with the reality of what it means to love a man who hasn't faced his fears of commitment."
That is so true and powerful! This post really describes my last relationship to a T. I thought that because we were in a committed/exclusive relationship I could "let my hair down" and get emotionally hooked and put all my eggs in his basket because it would only be a matter of time before we got married. After all, why else would he be there? What I didn't realize was I had the title but little else. I had the outward appearance of a committed relationship but I didn't have a truly committed partner. I wasn't a priority to him, we weren't on the same page and he was working out his marriage commitment fears on the back of our relationship. And it would have gone on for as long as I allowed it. What I really had was nothing. Nothing but wasted time, wasted effort. We were together for 3 years and I would say I was "in limbo" for about half of that time, waiting on a proposal.
But I'm grateful it happened because it ultimately made me work out my own issues and my need to prove my worth and convince someone to meet my needs who simply wasn't capable of it. I still have some work to do but my inner child is in a much more peaceful place. I wake up every day happy for the life I have build for myself and so grateful to be through that situation and have the rest of my life to enjoy, surrounding myself with positive people who can meet my needs.
You're so not alone, Sallysue. How many of us could have written your words! And now you're going to be ready in the only way we ever can be for what we're really looking for - by going through everything we go through that finally gets us there!
Good morning Jane
Your articles are so insightful! thanks for these. My friend is in this "waiting situation"
After 3 years he now doesn't know what he wants. It's sad really.
Would you mind giving some feedback please? : You're saying at first these guys put in the work, then the woman gets "hooked" after that when the real relationship begins he isn't so sure anymore. But eventually, we will get hooked, since we can't keep him at a distance for let's say 5-6 months after dating them.
So, from your personal experience, do you sit down and have a talk with him after let's say 5 months and lay all your cards down the table and tell him what you're looking for in the future? Just to be sure you're not wasting time and on the same page?
If we're being realistic, can we expect and demand that he make his mind up now?
Lot of the times, a guy doesn't even know or even thought of the future with a woman he's only seen for 5 months.
I'm so glad you're finding these insightful, Elisia. Yes, you can have that conversation, but so much more than any words you may get from him, it's going to be his actions that tell you everything you need to know. It's because of his confusion and his fears that he's usually not even aware of what's really going on with him. Add to that all the messages he's heard about what it means to be a man, and it's rare that you can ever have an open conversation about them. If you can, if there's any openness on his part to talk about this, then you've got something to work with. But he has to be willing to do that work.
Either way, don't look to his answer to reassure you that you're not wasting your time and that he's on the same page; it's his actions that will tell you that more than anything he may or may not say. As for whether it's realistic to expect and demand that he make up his mind on your timeline; this is where our own reality check comes in. While we all have a right to own expectations, it's not our role to "make" someone be on our timelines, nor is it a reflection of any of us whether he is or isn't on the same page. But more than anything else, just the fact that you have to have that conversation - that these conversations aren't occurring naturally in the everyday course of your relationship - tells you everything you need to know.
If if he "doesn't even know or hasn't even thought of the future with a woman he's only seen for 5 months", that's more information for you to use to decide whether this is working for you - while you're living your own full life, filling your own cup from more places than just him, and keeping your options open while dating more than just him. It's when we allow ourselves to become hooked before we have all the information we need to make that kind of decision, that we only set ourselves for this kind of heartbreak. But as with everything in life and love, hindsight - including my own - is always 20/20. We rarely know what we wish we'd known when we're in the thick of it.
Thanks for your time for replying. I read it twice just so it sinks in.
I understand, the actions will tell whether the person is on my page. Maybe I still have things to learn and probably change my way of thinking sometimes.
It is good to talk to someone who has been there and is able to give guidance, I really appreciate that you reply to the comments Jane!
Have a nice day 🙂
Exactly, Elisia. This is exactly why I'm here! 🙂
Describes my relationship with my ex to the T! 5 yrs later of off and on waiting. Hope. Etc. my life totally devoted to him. He out chasing ladies. I finally had enough and chose me. Blocked all contact with him. 18 months later still blocked. No contact. Now I'm living my life.
Stick to your happiness. Honestly, doesn't feel so good now. No more worrying and pondering. Feeling unsure. No more panick attacks. Keep busy with good food, excercise and a lil extra red wine..
Yes! The wondering and lack of assurance. I swear it's liberating to be out of that faux relationship. Hardest thing I ever had to do because I thought I loved him so much.
"I finally had enough and chose me." Beautiful, Princess! Thanks so much for sharing!
Princess, that's my dilemma today (really breaking it off). I've broken up with my faux boyfriend of 2yrs many many times but hvnt severed our communication so keep taking him back. I've tried blocking him but unblock him after a while, and there he'll be calling, texting, wanting to see me, and making promises. I never reached out to him when I break it off and he just doesn't let go which gives me false hope. He says he wants to be with me but I know by his actions that there's no future with him. I don't hv any other men in my life that I'm interested in so been going along with his games. I know I have to love myself and keep bz (that I do well) but, I have the desire to be loved by a man.... I'm praying that I meet someone that I'm attracted to who is into having a relationship. And, I'm also hoping I can find the strength to truly move on with or without a man in my life.
Chase you, Zan. Chase your dreams, your interests, your hobbies, your passions, the things that bring out that renewed energy in you instead of chasing any man, and you'll begin to notice a difference that can only come from you. You can do this! You're worth so much more than any man who isn't there, who can't give you the future you're looking for with him.
Jane another outstanding article!!! I believe time waits on no one...so why waste your time on a waiting on a man???!!! My last relationship of 3yrs was a learning lesson. He kept telling me he was not ready to commit, found out that he was not ready to commit to me, because he is getting married in a few days. The lesson I learned from this was NEVER put all of your eggs in one basket and NEVER take on someone else responsibilities. Again, WHEN THEY TELL YOU WHO THEY ARE PLEASE BELIEVE THEM!!! Men are like makeup they should enhance you, if they do not use make up remover!!!! Stay safe!!
Dang, that hurts deeply. Wish him the best. Honestly, think about it this way. He didnt have what it takes to make you happy, because The RealDavis is stronger and better than ever. She wants the whole wedding cake not small slices.
Thank you Sharri, did not think I would get passed the hurt, humiliation or hatred. Today I am happy and FABULULOUS!!!
Exactly, RealDavis. And thank you! We learn so much more when we don't get what we think we want so badly, no matter how much we can't see it at the time. There's gold in there!
This message was right on time as all of your messages seem to be when I am going through something. I have been dating this guy for 6 months now and from the beginning I let him know that I am dating to find my mate not just a date. He assured me he felt the same way but as time has progressed he has not made anymore moves since day one. We basically eat, drink and sleep and I told him that doesn't work for me. He has told me several times he is not ready for a relationship. I have broken it off with him twice each time he refuses to let me go and repeatedly calls and texts. I can only manage to ignore him for one week because something tells me to not give up on him. This last time he seems to have stepped up and has been trying to do more relationship things than ever. He still says that he is not quite ready for a relationship and that his contradictory behavior stems from his feelings being ahead of his process. I told him to let go of his processes and let things happen naturally. I am at the point now where I am not trying to logic him into believing that I am the one and I am seeing other people. If he loses me that's on him.
Choose yourself. My ex was the same way. Didn't want a relationship with me. I would break it off and he would come back begging. I will take him back then a few weeks later back to his old ways. I would stand it for a few months once even over a year. I would break it off and he would beg. This went on for 5 yrs. nothing changed. This time I blocked him and I have had zero contact with him in 18months. You told him at the beginning what you wanted. He does not want the same thing. Why hold on to crumbs and hope. Depriving yourself of your precious time to allow him have his cake and eat it too. Let go and choose you. I learnt from that relationship. I've been approached by other men like him that want to have their cake and eat it too. God forbid I allow myself to go through that again.
Princess,
Thanks you're right. I just have to go cold turkey. I keep wavering when I know he isn't ready. I just have to stick to my guns and keep it moving.
Oh Melissa, this is such a tough - but so important! - a lesson for us to learn! We are never here to convince someone of our worth, to try to "logic him into believing that I am the one". So many of us get caught up in doing exactly this and then lose all our self-esteem and all our self-confidence in the process. But if we learn not to go there in the first place, if we refuse to take any of someone else's response to us - or lack of one - personally, we can save ourselves from falling into this downward spiral. We unwittingly do this to ourselves!
I'm so glad the timing of these messages are resonating so much with where you're at. This is exactly why I'm here!
Jane you are so right! Don't even go down that path. Just say no thanks
Yes, Princess. It's so much easier to not go down that path in the first place!
Thank you so much Jane for yet another article that has resonated so well with me. Wishing all of the lovely ladies on here the very best in life and love.
So glad, RK. Thank you!
Hi Jane
Thank You so much for this article I fully agree. I worth more than what I am allowing myself to get. I am tired of waiting I need to move on and find someone that is worthy of me and not wait around waiting. It is so true he will never change his lifestyle is not what I need at my age I need commitment I need love I need respect. I am moving on for my own sanity I am really worth far more than him wasting my time. Once again thank you for helping me realise who and what I am sometimes we need to hear it to believe it.
That's right Sistar, when you decided that enuff is enuff. Keep it moving in your right direction.
I'm so glad this resonated so much with you, Cordelia. That you are realizing all this for yourself is the whole point of all of this!
Such a timely piece.
A woman must first know what she wants before she is in a relationship. She must love herself before she loves someone else. She must not "give" more than he gives - or she becomes a "mother". Insist that the man be a man, not a boy, that he takes action and that he cherishes her.
A man knows before he meets you if he is in a place where he can make a commitment or not. That being said, if he has been badly burned by previous relationships and has not worked those issue out, he will most likely not be able to commit. If he is just "sports fishing", he will not commit.
I have been dating someone for 9 months. Once I knew how I felt about this man, I looked for his actions to line up with his words. He wanted a full-on relationship and at the same time talked about not knowing why he couldn't commit to me. His actions implied commitment, his words did not.
I decided to test out an idea I read about, drawing a line in the relationship by telling him what was necessary for me to continue seeing him:
1. Continuity (regular contact),
2. Longevity (dedication, a look to the future together)
3. Monogamy (exclusivity)
After that discussion, I set a timeline of 8 weeks to see what he would do. Would he disappear or stay in contact? I have not initiated contact with him since then.
He has stayed in contact but much less so, from daily to several times a week at most and no future dates have been set. The 8 weeks is up in 7 days and I have updated my dating profile & added new pictures. I will activate the profile on the 57th day.
I knew I had 2 of the 3 with him, unfortunately without longevity what you have is friends with benefits, something I am not interested in pursuing.
Though I care for him deeply, I decided not compromise myself and put myself on the waiting wheel while he enjoyed the benefits of a relationship with me. I have used the 8 weeks to get to know myself better, what I want and don't want, that I must put myself and love myself first. It has been a valuable time for me. I have learned so much that will help me in a future loving relationship.
Love this!!!
Wow, Sistar
You are showing us woman how to take control of a situationship. Thank you!!
Thanks for sharing your experiences here, Brenda. It is so helpful for others to walk with you through this process and see - and hear - what you came to and why. Never underestimate the value in what you learn while you're not getting what it is you think you want more than anything else. This is exactly how you get to that "future, loving relationship!"
I have never really been in this dynamic. Mine has been slightly different.
I can see why none of those men ever decided to have a relationship with me. I see it very clearly now and I realize it's because of my own behavior. I dropped everything for them. When I think about it now, I realize that wasn't healthy and it wasn't authentic either. I was brought up to think I didn't matter, I couldn't speak my truth, there was too much wrong with me, etc so I basically became a lady in waiting. No man, at least no healthy man would be attracted to that. I see that now.
These men had no problem "committing" to other women. The funny thing is that now I'm so glad it never worked with them. I see their flaws now and while everyone has flaws, I realize their flaws are, now that I'm a sane woman for the first time, deal-breakers for me. Flaws I cannot deal with at all. Phew! Dodged major bullets alright. One of them got married, but he couldn't hold down a job and was still looking for women to "charm" behind his new wife's back. What a gem. Another is still a workaholic that is afraid of commitment beyond the boyfriend-girlfriend stage. He avoids marriage like the plague. Another is still a guy who thinks he's better than everyone and remains as callous as I remember him 18 years ago. Another one refuses to grow up despite his age; he's a good guy, just not good boyfriend material.
Yikes! My choice in men has been real bad. I don't think they were bad men, but I know it's quite difficult for any sane woman to be happy with them.
There's only like two men who were definitely keepers. Sadly it didn't work for major reasons, none of which are our fault.
I'm glad I see myself differently now, I see my weaknesses, I see where I can grow and I'm willing to do so. I guess I'm stopping the search. Focusing on figuring myself out.
What I have learned now is that I cannot waste my life waiting for anyone to pick me. There are so many things I have a say in. I cannot decide when, where and how a partner will show up in my life or if he'll ever show up. But I can decide to build a life for myself, with my own achievements, some day hopefully my own home, my own hobbies and just at peace. It's pretty lonely at the moment, but when I look around and see so many unhealthy dynamics, the reality check helps me to be grateful for where I am at the moment. I have seen a few healthy dynamics and I definitely see how they're wonderful, but since I cannot control getting one for myself with a partner, I'll just smile at them and move along with my life.
I really hope that all the wonderful women I know understand that they cannot sit down and wait for a man to commit. I wish for them to go out and greet much better days with someone who's worthy of them or alone but happy.
Greetings
Angel, you are Awesome! Since joining Jane's blog last year, I can actually feel your evolution.
Thank you for inspiring us woman to look at ourselves, our fears of lonliness, anger,sadness and now joy.
As I reflect on my past lovers, I too dogded machine gun bullets. From the Alpha Macho cop I was so in LOVE with, dumped me after 2 years of dating to marry his college sweetheart. Broken up yes, but I later found out he cheated on her with a MAN. NOW he is totally gay, OUCH!!
Here's a better 1, from the 45 yr old City Bus Driver who still lived with mommy, who was allergic to telling the truth. And also addicited to porn, cocaine, weed, liquor and sex with other woman.
I have plenty more but, this is not about spilling their tea. It's about me selecting the better drinking water for my tea.
Making better decisions. No more waiting for someone else to change/committ. Saying no to hook ups, fwb, booty calls, and e~maintaing.
Love is all around me. Love is ME. From my children to the wind to the planets and stars... 1Love
Thank you, Sharri. We definitely need to evolve if we want better for ourselves. Learning our lessons is absolutely necessary. I also feel like many of us here have evolved steadily. I'm so glad. This is our cheering on place 🙂
Blessings and much love to you!
Thanks for sharing your stories with us all, Angel. "The funny thing is that now I'm so glad it never worked with them." - Yes! This is exactly what we will all come to in the end!
I love this piece...I dont think I have to stay with w Guy who is not ready t commit, n lwys discourages me of even being with him, we definitely dont have to weigh all our eggs in a basket...I love your post, am glad on on this....
So glad this resonated with you, Georgette. Thank you. We always have a choice where we stay - and where we don't.
This email couldn't have come at a more apt time....I've been with my man for 18 months, I've given him everything I have. I'm not giving no more. Tonight I'm leaving him. He's not shown any sign of commitment and he knows what I want. If we were right for each other, I'd at least have a clue what he wants. Instead I feel now like I know him less than I did when I met him. That's not right. He's played lip service to what I want sure...'yes of course that's what I want too, down the line....' Because of his inability to commit to anything more important than designer jeans and a night out, we're over. I won't let 18 months pass with the next guy. If it's not love, 100% reciprocated and mutual effort, I'm out of there. I'm not giving allowances in the hope it happens....time will work things out.
What have I learnt from this? Value yourself, value your needs and don't forget what you want. If it's the right person, they will value these things too...
BRAVO!!!!
Exactly, Steph! He's going to do what works for him; you have to do what works for you.
You sound like my situation I just recently got out of. Almost 2 years and I really thought he was it. Except he never talked about the future. It was never brought up until almost one year in and that's bc I brought it up. He ended up deciding he couldn't commit to anything and we broke up. That was 5 months ago. The pain is still there although it is slowly getting better. But I agree with you. Never again will I waste so much time and myself on someone not on the same page. Good luck to you- you are doing the right thing.
If he is not committing to you then you commit to yourself. Walk away. He either earns a spot in your life daily or not. Solo is better than being treated like an after thought.
Exactly!
I AGREE!!!
So true, Jackie!
It's so simple. After age 30 if commitment is such a challenge for an adult human, then its their problem not yours.
Absolutely!
I've been with my BF for 6 months, last tue we had our first argument about moving in n he wants it fast n can't wait any longer, I told him lets go slow.
He wants to live closer to town, buy groceries online trying to force me to eat fish but I'm not keen on fish n it feels like he's been making rules n he really yelled in my face which put me in tears. He lives in the hills n I'm in the city n he lives 1 n half hours away from me.
I don't it's worth waiting for my guy to commit coz he smokes n I don't like it, he's been rude to me n my family. He doesn't like my family.
He is already telling you who is.....you do not have to take abuse!!! If he is yelling in your face that is abuse!! Next he will be hitting you!! Stay Safe!! Pay Attention!!!
There's so much information to be gained by taking it slow, Courtney. Now you're seeing so much more of the reality of what being with him is really like, and you can choose if this is working for you, not just for him!